1) The “Free Bird” dude.
Funny! I bet you’re great in bed.
2) The Beer Spiller
Do the crowd a favor, don’t send the drunk guy to refill everyone. And if you’re buying drinks for more than the number of hands you possess, bring a friend. It’s not chivalrous to carry three beers for your ladies, it’s a sure fire way to get another lady to slap you when you spill one all over her back.
3) The Crop Duster
For everything that is holy, no beans, cheese or protein shakes before the show!
4) The Folded Arms Dude
I know you got dragged here by your lady, but don’t be a dick and at least pretend you’re having a good time. Do it for her. You don’t have to try to look cool in front of anyone. Everyone here paid lots of money to be here.
5) The Amateur Photographer
Oh you have the new 5D? Impressive! Must you elbow your way in front of my face to get the perfect shot? If you couldn’t get a photo pass, maybe you shouldn’t be bringing your fancy camera to the show. And if you do, at least try to be respectful of the people who paid good money to be here.
6) The Non-Tipper
If you don’t have enough money to tip the bartender you don’t have enough money for a drink. Period. Oh, and $1 tip for four Mojitos ain’t gonna cut it, bro.
7) The Loud, Incessant Talker
This is not the time to tell your bestie all about you horrible date from last night. You had happy hour, dinner and drinks beforehand for that. You’re surrounded by people who are trying to enjoy the show. The only person who should be talking is the person with the mic. STFU.
8) The Phone Holder
You know what’s better than 12 megapixels? No megapixels! Real life! Just remember, when you hold your phone up, you’re blocking the view of someone behind you. Do it quick. Snapchat allows for 10 seconds. Let that be it. For the entire night. 31% of adults 18-34 are on their phones during half of the show or more. Don’t grow that number.
9) The Early Departed
Oh you’re friends with the opener? Cool! You do realize that they were booked by the headliner (or the venue curating an evening) right? It’s kinda shitty to take off THE SECOND after your friends finish. At least stick around for a few of the headliner’s songs. Believe it or not, you may be pleasantly surprised and find your new favorite band. Or not. Be like every single person in LA – too cool for their own town. High five!
10) The Smoker
Luckily, all venues in America have outlawed smoking. However, it’s much harder to monitor at outdoor venues and festivals. If you’re going to smoke please don’t blow it directly in my face (or hair). And if you’re smoking a J, you are required to pass it down the row. That’s the law.
11) The Front Row Yawner
Only the band sees this. But believe me THEY SEE IT. And die a little every time.
12) The Fifth Beatle
That harmony you’re blasting in my ear is not correct. I think you’re in a different key, actually. You know what, I’m actually here to hear the person on stage sing. Not you. So, kindly, tone it down a notch. You’re not in the band. No matter how many shower rehearsals you’ve put in.
13) The Shoulder Sitter
I know I know I know, letting your girlfriend sit on your shoulders will determine if you’re gonna get laid or not tonight. Unless she’s up there to flash the band, take one for the team and just say no. Ladies, don’t put your men in these tough positions. Because making him choose between sex and being universally hated by 1,500 people is just mean. Know in your heart, he’ll choose sex, er, I mean you, every time.
14) The Heckler
Every time you yell something out at the band, God kills a kitten. Remember that.
Special thanks to Andrew Leib and Adam Newmark for their contributions to this piece.
Photo is by Messicanbeer and used with the Creative Commons License