12 Things A Spotify Executive Will Never Say

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1. About Taylor Swift:

“She’s a total hypocrite!  She’s trashing Spotify’s free tier, yet somehow on Apple Music’s free trial?  Not to mention YouTube’s totally free service with nearly-zero royalties?  What are we, an ex-boyfriend?

“But who cares.  Taylor Swift trashing us it the best thing that happened to our awareness and subscriber rates!”

2. About the IPO:

“We don’t even have our major label licenses renewed!  Wall Street thinks we’re toxic.  But hey, you got $100 million to get us through the next few months?”

3.  About Apple Music:

“Well, let’s see: Apple has $203 billion in the bank. We’re waiting for our next round.  We have 75 million users, Apple Music has 11 million after one month.  Apple has ten years to screw this up.  We have one.

“But… our UI is better?”

4. About SoundCloud:

“Don’t you just love how SoundCloud has four times the amount of content that we do, doesn’t pay for any of it, has just as much funding, and doesn’t catch any flack from artists?  Seems totally fair.”

5. About what Spotify pays artists:

LOL.

6. About YouTube paying virtually nothing for music videos:

“The music industry is the dumbest. industry. ever.”

7. About any question, statement, or comment that contains ‘Neil Young’:

“Neil Young is a corpse who cares about money, not sound quality.  And PONO will be dead by Christmas.”

8. About you saying you’d subscribe to Premium but can’t afford it:

“You just spent your monthly streaming allowance on a Subway sandwich and Coke!  You spent more on a Whiskey Sour last night!  Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s Lucian Grainge of Universal Music Group on the line, he’s asking why I’m not converting more freemium users.”

9. About never being profitable:

“Profita-what?  Is Greece profitable?  Of course not, but Goldman Sachs is, which is why they’re also investing in Spotify.  And when this is all done, we’ll all be rich… all 17 of us.”

10. About their major label renegotiations:

“Well, all three are up in less than two months.  It’s been a really fun summer!”

11. About you not being into streaming because you like vinyl better:

“I’m sorry, I don’t think Spotify is available in your territory of Brooklyn.”

12. About you not minding the ads:

“Somebody please fix my sad business model…”