14 Assholes You See At Every Concert

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1) The “Free Bird” dude.

Funny! I bet you’re great in bed.

2) The Beer Spiller

Do the crowd a favor, don’t send the drunk guy to refill everyone. And if you’re buying drinks for more than the number of hands you possess, bring a friend. It’s not chivalrous to carry three beers for your ladies, it’s a sure fire way to get another lady to slap you when you spill one all over her back.

3) The Crop Duster

For everything that is holy, no beans, cheese or protein shakes before the show!

4) The Folded Arms Dude

I know you got dragged here by your lady, but don’t be a dick and at least pretend you’re having a good time. Do it for her. You don’t have to try to look cool in front of anyone. Everyone here paid lots of money to be here.

5) The Amateur Photographer

Oh you have the new 5D? Impressive! Must you elbow your way in front of my face to get the perfect shot? If you couldn’t get a photo pass, maybe you shouldn’t be bringing your fancy camera to the show. And if you do, at least try to be respectful of the people who paid good money to be here.

6) The Non-Tipper

If you don’t have enough money to tip the bartender you don’t have enough money for a drink. Period. Oh, and $1 tip for four Mojitos ain’t gonna cut it, bro.

7) The Loud, Incessant Talker

This is not the time to tell your bestie all about you horrible date from last night. You had happy hour, dinner and drinks beforehand for that. You’re surrounded by people who are trying to enjoy the show. The only person who should be talking is the person with the mic. STFU.

8) The Phone Holder

You know what’s better than 12 megapixels? No megapixels! Real life! Just remember, when you hold your phone up, you’re blocking the view of someone behind you. Do it quick. Snapchat allows for 10 seconds. Let that be it. For the entire night. 31% of adults 18-34 are on their phones during half of the show or more. Don’t grow that number.

+Fans Spend HOW MUCH Time On Their Phones At Concerts?! 

9) The Early Departed

Oh you’re friends with the opener? Cool! You do realize that they were booked by the headliner (or the venue curating an evening) right? It’s kinda shitty to take off THE SECOND after your friends finish. At least stick around for a few of the headliner’s songs. Believe it or not, you may be pleasantly surprised and find your new favorite band. Or not. Be like every single person in LA – too cool for their own town. High five!

10) The Smoker

Luckily, all venues in America have outlawed smoking. However, it’s much harder to monitor at outdoor venues and festivals. If you’re going to smoke please don’t blow it directly in my face (or hair). And if you’re smoking a J, you are required to pass it down the row. That’s the law.

+12 Things You Should Never Say To A Musician

11) The Front Row Yawner

Only the band sees this. But believe me THEY SEE IT. And die a little every time.

12) The Fifth Beatle

That harmony you’re blasting in my ear is not correct. I think you’re in a different key, actually. You know what, I’m actually here to hear the person on stage sing. Not you. So, kindly, tone it down a notch. You’re not in the band. No matter how many shower rehearsals you’ve put in.

13) The Shoulder Sitter

I know I know I know, letting your girlfriend sit on your shoulders will determine if you’re gonna get laid or not tonight. Unless she’s up there to flash the band, take one for the team and just say no. Ladies, don’t put your men in these tough positions. Because making him choose between sex and being universally hated by 1,500 people is just mean. Know in your heart, he’ll choose sex, er, I mean you, every time.

14) The Heckler

Every time you yell something out at the band, God kills a kitten. Remember that.

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Special thanks to Andrew Leib and Adam Newmark for their contributions to this piece. 

Photo is by Messicanbeer and used with the Creative Commons License

27 Responses

  1. andre

    The Front Row Yawner — wouldn’t be problem if you don’t make weak indie-rock Ari

  2. I'm pretty sure all 3 of those previous comments....

    are ALL actually Rickshaw. Dude, you’re not fooling anyone with your buthurtedness. Did you want Ari to ask you to the prom or something?

    • Rickshaw

      Way to guess. You’re an asshole. I only posted my comment, and do not pose as anyone else.

  3. 666

    click bait alert!

    must be that time of the month to pay the bills at the ol’ DMN HQ

  4. Chase

    Please don’t let this site turn into this. I rarely comment but this is absolutely terrible.

  5. russell

    the writer of this seems like a know it all dickhead who wrote this hungover from last night’s show and should just shut the fuck up himself and stay home.

  6. Agreed

    Paul your site is above this. This is like a bad high school newspaper article.

  7. Rob

    You must have seriously bad taste in live music if you encounter all the types on this list at all the concerts you attend…

  8. No

    A tongue in cheek article is the one that Ari BLASTED about musicians not deserving to be paid – because he didn’t understand the nuance (and also maybe didn’t understand that plenty of musicians get paid, that ALL people don’t just deserve to get money for trying to be a musician).

    This here pure garbage, son.

    • ThomasG

      You mean this article about the Songwriter Equity Act – helping songwriters get paid MUCH more? Or was it this one about a company trying to f over musicians? I’ve been reading Ari for years and he’s one of the most knowledgable people in the ENTIRE Music business. He wanted to have a little fun. Clearly none of you have a sense of humor. I thought this was hilarious. But whatever, this is DMN’s comment board, so I expect nothing less. Carry on. Carry on.

    • ThomasG

      You mean this article about the Songwriter Equity Act – helping songwriters get paid MUCH more? Or was it this one about a company trying to f over musicians? I’ve been reading Ari for years and he’s one of the most knowledgable people in the ENTIRE Music business. He wanted to have a little fun. Clearly none of you have a sense of humor. I thought this was hilarious. But whatever, this is DMN’s comment board, so I expect nothing less. Carry on. Carry on.

      • Ron

        He may be knowledgeable, but he’s also opportunistic – and not very deft. Sometimes that works in his favor. Other times, well, you have articles like this. I don’t mind satirical articles about shows or audience members, but this one’s pretty tone deaf. It has all the nuance of a Chad Kroeger ballad.

  9. RAMBO1200


  10. Toptag

    Asshole according to Ari. – Someone who doesn’t give 100% attention to his whiney drivel that makes Snow Patrol sound exciting. Newsflash idiot. If you made decent music people would want to listen to it. If people are looking at their phones though their show it’s because they aren’t polite enough to pretend to be listening.

  11. JG

    The crop duster was awesome – thx for the laugh. Serious

    Luckily the Free Bird guy doesn’t go out anymore.

    Other peeps tipping Ari a new one – get over yerseleves.

    • Ron

      Yeah, we just don’t get the socratic wonder that is Ari Herstand. Takes a megalomaniac to know a megalomaniac, that kind of thing?

      The crop duster line is some lazy King of Queens shit.

  12. Kevin

    These comments are actually more entertaining than the main article. Good to see trollism is alive and well on the interwebs

  13. Rick Shaw

    The moment you think you spot one of these, take a look in a mirror to locate another one.

  14. Hippydog

    Holy geez the commenters are kinda ruthless lately..
    sure.. it was a buublegum article.. but I laughed.. and liked it..
    chill people.. chill..

  15. Ben Thinkin

    These people are real! And it’s about time someone wrote about them. In the clubs it’s not such a big deal, but at one concert I actually had someone put an iPad up in the air to make a video blocking the view for myself and dozens of other people. Really? Or how about the lady who decided to stand up and start dancing (in a sea of people who are seated) and then refused to sit down when we told her she was blocking everyone’s view? (I came to see the show on stage not to look at your ass). And if you’re going to chit-chat loudly go in the lobby, we’re here to see the show. But the worst was a guy who was singing at the top of his lungs to the point that we had to endure his gawd awful off key singing because it overpowered us hearing the band. That’s over the top! Ushers were called in and we had to move from our 4th row center seats to the 10th row off to the side. Anything to get away from this jerk! As we left he protested that he’d spent a lot of money on his seats and that apparently gave him the right to ruin the show for everyone else. Thanks for bringing this to everyone’s attention because I always seem to encounter at least one of these people at every concert. It’s to the point that I have to think twice about going to a concert these days! We all want to enjoy the show. Just be respectful of others. And by the way, anyone who criticizes you about this article is probably one of those 14 a-holes you were writing about. Just sayin’.

  16. Mary

    I would love to see you attempt to survive a metal show. In the back. Because in the front, crowdsurfers are kicking you in the face, moshers are squeezing you from all sides. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world. But you may spill your hip craft beer. Everyone is just having a good time. If you can’t handle live concerts, stay home & watch them on YouTube. Or only see shows at Red Rocks. And my husband has sacrificed his own ability to headbang during shows to record footage for me because he knows how much music means to me. Memories fade, but I have a library to refer to when I’m feeling down. It’s not getting posted on social media. I watch it on the bus to & from work every day. It wakes me up & puts a smile on my face. All of the complaints in this article happen at nearly every show, no matter what. So tune it out or blame yourself for having a lousy time. I’ve been to 100+ metal shows in the past 3 years & I wouldn’t trade a second for anything else.