Radio Is Dead In 10 Years. This Study Proves It.

Radio Is Dead In 10 Years. This Study Proves It.

Young people have fled terrestrial radio.  The medium now brings in less revenue than streaming platforms.  People purchase smart speakers to listen to “better music.”  So, will radio go the way of the dodo?

A new study by Musonomics will make you wonder how many years radio has left.

Larry Miller, Director of New York University’s Steinhardt Music Business Program, performed the study.  He grew up in the radio industry and started his career as a DJ.

In the executive summary of the study, Miller highlights eight dangers that the radio industry currently faces.

1.  Digital services are severely crowding traditional radio.

2.  Music charts once driven by AM/FM broadcasts are increasingly driven by digital.

3.  Generation Z listeners prefer streaming platforms like Spotify and Pandora over AM/FM stations.

4.  Younger music listeners have increasingly turned to sites like YouTube to discover new artists and songs.

5.  Digital services, including streaming platforms, have become an important source of revenue.

6.  Carmakers have started to marginalize radio on their dashboards, decreasing radio listenership.

7.  Smart speakers have begun shaping consumer practices and preferences.

8.  Radio’s rating system fails to deliver on specifics that advertisers demand.

Radio lacks the innovative features found in streaming platforms.

In a recent MusicWatch report, only 53% of respondents said that they felt “very satisfied” using the radio in the car.  Just 27% said that they felt satisfied with the quality of sound.  25% said that AM/FM stations played the best music.  13% felt satisfied with radio’s integration with social media.

Summarizing MusicWatch’s data, Miller writes,

Music fans today have many choices for access to music and are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with AM/FM radio’s traditional service offering.

 

Car companies have started to abandon the terrestrial medium

Looking at newer vehicles, Miller notes that in-car media screens allow easier access to platforms like Spotify, Pandora, and iTunes.  This, in turn, “[relegates] radio…from the center of the dashboard,” decreasing listenership.  He explains why.

AM/FM controls are often found below this screen, rendering them less prominent and less accessible than in the past.

Why did you buy a smart speaker?  To listen to “better music.”

According to Edison Research, 7% of Americans 12 and over now own a smart speaker in their homes.

70% of smart speaker owners said that they listen now to more audio.  62% of those surveyed said that the smart speaker allows them to “hear better music than on AM/FM radio.”  Only 38% said that they still continue to listen to music through the terrestrial medium.

Why has radio fallen behind in the American home?  Miller writes,

[It] has not meaningfully invested in new programming or advanced digital services for smart speakers.

Pandora Radio’s Glenn Peoples writes how broadcasters could take advantage of the rise of the smart speaker.

With established brands in local markets associated with certain genres and formats, radio stations could earn a key place in the smart speaker market by building out their digital presence.

To survive in the digital age, broadcasters must invest in “strong and compelling digital services”

At the end of his report, Miller notes that music remains the lifeblood of the radio industry.  However, today’s listener has access to “virtually unlimited choices for audio and music consumption.”  So, what can broadcasters do?

For the terrestrial medium to survive, broadcasters will have to “embrace a new vision for their content.”  That includes moving toward a “more communicative experience in line with millennials and other younger generations.”

In addition, Miller writes,

“[The medium] needs to invest in strong and compelling digital services.  If it does, [broadcasters] can look forward to a robust future built on the strong foundation it already has in the marketplace…

Speaking about the terrestrial medium, Scott Burnell, Ford’s Global Lead of Business Development and Partner Management, has a simple message for broadcasters.

“My message is evolve or die.”

Miller issued a strong warning for the terrestrial medium should it fail to innovate.

“If it doesn’t [innovate], radio risks becoming a thing of the past, like the wax cylinder or 78 RPM record – fondly remembered but no longer relevant to an audience that has moved on.”

In the report, Miller cites more reasons why the terrestrial medium may fade out if it fails to adapt to the rise of digital services.  You can check out the complete report here.

 


Image by Alan Levine (CC by 2.0)

72 Responses

  1. Avatar
    Tom Tom Turnaround

    I actually just bought a radio on eBbay (arrived yesterday) covers AM incl the
    extended segment up to 1710 kHz and FM starting at 87.5 mHz and it’s pretty great..

    I think the future of over the air broadcast radio in cities and developed countries will become more talk orientated because music is easily available online..

    The real buzz with AM/FM and Shortwave radio is with the pirate stations..

  2. Avatar
    Amy B.

    National Public Radio can’t be beat for timely, responsible news coverage. Article’s focus on music leaves out important role for radio–news.

    • Avatar
      John Spinelli

      Totally agree. NPR offers topical news content across the spectrum as well as interviews with musicians and other entertainers.

    • Avatar
      My foot up Dales Keyster

      I agree. It may be the only survivor of the Big Axe. Decent content, good coverage, and they don’t pander. Respect the listener’s intelligence??? Whaaaa????

  3. Avatar
    Seth Keller

    This study seems to confuse the delivery platform with the concept of “radio.” I’ll agree that am/fm will definitely phase out at some point. But I’m going to strongly disagree that “commercial music radio”–tight passive listening playlists selected by professionals and serviced repetitively to a segmented audience–is going to lose its importance in the music discovery hierarchy any time soon.

    Sure Millennials and Z’s are on YouTube and Spotify and there’s no doubt that songs now start on streaming services, but “radio” as defined above creates global stars. Just look at the Spotify Top 10 in the US and UK–how many non-radio artists do you see?

    Some will argue that they were created by Spotify’s playlists. But, no, they built a large base on those playlists, then went to radio, which begat even more recognition and more streaming, and, eventually, stardom.

    Most people in the world are not music fans, they just listen to music. Younger people have more time for discovery, but even the vast majority of those under 30 are not scouring playlists for new music. If they were, the early 2000s “long tail” theory would have become a reality. We all know how that worked out. People typically like what other people like, success begets success.

    Spotify starts the fire, radio creates the blaze. It may not be on the FM dial in 10 years, but it will still exist and be very influential on some other platform.

    • Avatar
      James

      You sound like someone who works in the radio industry. They seem to be the only people who argue so fervently in favour of the medium.

    • Avatar
      Larry Vargo

      I noticed the elephant in the room didn’t get discussed at all. When I was younger (yeah I know much younger) we got by with only am radio. Sure, it was the only game in town then but it was something of a thrill, or at least a little fun, to listen to the popular tunes of the day direct from New York, New Orleans, and even further away. All unprocessed and homogenised by any digital intervention. Then came fm for higher fidelity and stereo (in light of what we listened to then, arguably questionable.
      So much for the technical side. Now for the elephant. Getting down the elephant gun, it has to be noted the dearth of programmes over the “free” airwaves. AM is now fairly polluted with “talk” programming. This is fine if you want to hear your fave “soapbox” star but for the rest of us it’s a bore. This, I feel, could have been better left to the web. What you hear is highly Balkanised so that it amounts to a zillion niche stations. A far cry from the once-mighty networks. Music stations are few, far between, and largely unknown. FM is little better. If you’re into “hip-hop” you’re covered, the rest of us are out in the cold.
      In my opinion (as a listener) this institutionalised lack of imagination is the problem. I wouldn’t have spent the money on a satellite subscription so willingly if I were still able to find an occasional station with 50’s-60’s oldies (ckww-great but low-powered) or big-band (nada) or jazz (zip). If they’re scared of satellite, they should be

    • Avatar
      SledDog

      How about you kick that bs statement of yours on its head:
      Just look at the RADIO Top 10 in the US and UK–how many non-SPOTIFY artists do you see?

  4. Avatar
    Nicky Knight by the window overlooking the walled-in garden

    Trouble is with pop music radio is that they all play the same ten songs over and over.. How many times must we hear Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande..

    There might be a billion artists out there in Internet land but only ten or so get all the airplay.. (and streams/sales)

    • Avatar
      My foot up Dales Keyster

      They are closing their doors as we speak. They have refused to evolve, and now they shall die. No more fun for anyone. Just the way it should be. I delight in seeing these people’s livelihoods reduced to rubble. It brings me pleasure to watch their suffering. Its so well deserved and so late in coming.

      • Avatar
        the man the myth the legend... your dad

        who cares you are all 40 year old balding men sitting in their mums basement fingering their assholes

        • Avatar
          The one and only Jim

          We are all going to die but you will die first as much dick is coming to your ass as we speak you fat cunt.

        • Avatar
          SledDog

          Actually, some of us are 30 year-old men, with thick heads of hair, sitting in our own luxurious man-cave basements… fingering our assholes, thankyouverymuch…lol

    • Avatar
      Anthony

      Yes! Thank you Nicky Knight! I’ve read this whole article (I’m one of the so called millennials apparently accused of abandoning the media.) and no one but you has brought out the real problem with radio. Of course listeners are going to leave even you play the same twenty songs in one day. And it’s not just pop stations. Classic rock radio is just as bad. You’d think the only song Metallica ever wrote was Enter Sandman or that Bon Jovi and John Mellencamp were the only musicians alive in the 80s.

    • Avatar
      nash Garza

      recording companies plugging pop music only plug their artists.. “trouble is with pop music radio is that they all play the same ten songs over and over.. How many times must we hear Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande..” this can’t be any truer than the world is round….but who are those really listening to these artist.. kids that have no money to buy anything…I go with the theory that the music that gets more promotion and gets more airplay is what kids get use to listening..and assumptions are based on the above…as you well know there lots of rap and hip hop radio stations that popped up during the Obama era now kids think that the end thing…even thou they don’t understand african lingo…that with school segregation kids (even mexicans) are turned on to that…yes you can call it brain washing ..I think our kids deserve lots better…

  5. Avatar
    Eric Wiltsher

    Rdaio isn’t dead nor has the youth lost interest in real radio – maybe some stations where you are, but that isn’t the world. Happy to say, a good youth audience are there, not on AM and reducing on FM – they use smart phones the same way we used pocket radios decades ago. But what would I know about research ha ha
    Real radio lives on at Radio Tatras International – real people, no juke boxes, making real radio shows,

  6. Avatar
    Sammy Sarsaparilla

    I think radio broadcasting in Europe and Australia is probably the best and most varied. Luckily in those regions they have a diverse range of station format categories and ownership opportunities for AM/FM, Shortwave + DAB, Satellite etc..

    In USA you have an interesting pirate radio community on Shortwave (around 6925 kHz) and in Europe there’s still lot’s of pirate stations across all the bands
    blasting out the hits and jingles of an almost bygone era.

  7. Avatar
    Samuel

    I find myself drawn to the quality of sound of streaming services, satellite radio and the like. But I’ve been a huge fan of college radio. My FM presets are filled with every college station in my broadcast area. Yeah, there’s programming that may not be to my liking, but the chance to hear something really new, spontaneous. Now that’s “music you can’t hear on the radio” (Thanks, John W. & Jon S 103.3 FM

  8. Avatar
    Jimmy Backrow

    It’s (AM/FM) already dead. Don’t think so? Walk into your local drug store and try to find a radio. A few years ago you’d find several to choose from as there was a demand for them..there were radio listeners. Now there are none…not even one. There’s a good reason for that: lack of demand. They’re not going to take up shelf space with something nobody wants.
    You will find several smart phones available, however…and even a few headphones. That alone should tell you all you need to know about broadcast radio. It’s about as relevant as an 8-track player.

    • Avatar
      Scott You Know Who I Am

      Isn’t it Great?:) I have been waiting for this for a loooong time. If i had a glass of champagne i would toast you right now, my friend.

  9. Avatar
    Scott You Know Who I Am

    I applaud the death of terrestrial radio. Broadcasting has now been reclaimed by the masses and no longer belongs to the few stuffed shirts answering to venture capital boards of directors. Sales, General Managers, and most of all…..Howard Stern wannabe morning personalities….your. day. Is. Past. And the world, rejoices.

    • Avatar
      rickofvernon

      a cell phone is a terresrial radio, wife is terrestrial radio

  10. Avatar
    BladeRunner

    Is it any surprise? The FM and AM radio stations play the same damn songs every single day. Real music lovers like variety, play some album tracks, b-side…ANYTHING! The problem with radio is that it’s commercial and therefore has to play the same songs and therefore has come full circle as something better has come along and has won competition. Who needs to listen to the same 100 songs on the radio when you have hundreds of thousands of tracks to choose from?

  11. Avatar
    Stan

    Nice article. I grew up on 70s & early 80s radio and I never did like it, too much talking, manic commercials, programmed music, and format flipping, and not to mention the poor sound quality. Congress saved TV with digital and that might have saved radio. Too late now to ever know.

  12. Avatar
    Panama Jack

    As a former Radio personality and executive for 25 years, I agree with about another 10 years for Radio as a medium. The consolidators squeezed the life out of the Golden Goose radio once was. All Ryan Seacrest all the time. And now he has “metoo” problems.
    Radio has lost it’s personality and needs to re-create excitement and generate a reason to listen.

    • Avatar
      nash Garza

      the problem is not am or fm..its the owners ..they have owned their station for too many years are bored to death..and so that shows up on the air…old farts need to go away let someone with fresh blood and some music know how take over. radio was discovered to entertain..not to bore people with talk shows. I can remember when most of us use to change the station while they ran their one minute or 30 sec. commercials..because we could not stand talking on the radio…now its all infomercials thats all they do..like sports radio..how much sports happen in a day to warrant a radio station to talk about it all day long? its very boring to say the lease…and they wonder why they have no listeners..

  13. Avatar
    Matt

    Yet satellite is dying and terrestial is still standing.

  14. Avatar
    Tony

    Music is not as conservative as it once was. I mostly don’t listen to the radio because there is a lack of music selection. Most of the songs seem to be from the 60s, 70s, and 80s. They have been playing the same music for 40 to 60 years.

  15. Avatar
    Andreia Reminiec

    Daniel; what will the Generation Zers do when their Spotify & Pandora accounts come to an end?
    Radio isn’t dying …. I’ve had problems with keeping my phone from turning off while I’m listening to Pandora….

    • Avatar
      SledDog

      …blessed silence and thoughtful, meditative introspection…?

  16. Avatar
    J Steiner

    I worked in radio for 30 years, got cut out of the budget and couldn’t get back in. Now I am cheering for radio’s demise. None of the young people I work with listen to radio..which is pretty exciting to me.

  17. Avatar
    Rick Slobodian

    I dont hate to tell you but a cell phone is a radio, a laptop is a radio, a wifi is a radio

  18. Avatar
    Mike C

    No, radio will not die in ten years, or twenty. There is FAR more to terrestrial radio than pop music/top 40 stations all owned by the same handful of companies. This ‘study’ was based on flawed assumptions and has very dubious value. It’s almost silly.

  19. Avatar
    god

    you all suck fat dick, your opinions don’t matter your just so unimportant you read shitty articles and leave your crap opinions. no one cares, fucking die you fat obese hobo nigger

    • Avatar
      Anonymous

      We are your hobos we will come to your home and we will burn you down with every fibber in our body’s. But have you noticed that most of this pricks don’t know how to fucking spell? They don’t know fucking English them fucking gay cunts with no fucking friends.

    • Avatar
      Anonymous

      Your Mum is in my Bed and your Dad is in my fridge your brother is up my ass and my cock is in your grave dancing around like a worm. And there is a KFC waiting to be filled with you black nigga.

  20. Avatar
    J Bird

    most ppl i have went to their houses don’t have a radio anymore i stop listening to live radio in the 2000s to mid 2000s and i stop watching tv after 9/11/01 now that i am 33 i still say old school was better the 90s and early 2000s was really big in music now music sucks i am an old school dude i still stick to my 80s and 90s movies and music and some early 2000s

  21. Avatar
    James

    You sound like someone who works in the radio industry. They seem to be the only people who argue so fervently in favour of the medium.

  22. Avatar
    Kevin M. Fodor

    Typical “anti radio” article from someone with a vested interest in seeing it happen. Go read some less biased articles.

  23. Avatar
    Smash Mouth

    Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
    I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
    She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
    In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

    [Pre-Chorus]
    Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
    Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
    Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
    Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
    So much to do, so much to see
    So what’s wrong with taking the backstreets?
    You’ll never know if you don’t go
    You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

    [Chorus]
    Hey now, you’re an all star
    Get your game on, go play
    Hey now, you’re a rock star
    Get the show on, get paid
    And all that glitters is gold
    Only shooting stars break the mold

    [Verse 2]
    It’s a cool place, and they say it gets colder
    You’re bundled up now, wait ’til you get older
    But the meteor men beg to differ
    Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
    The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
    The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim
    My world’s on fire, how ’bout yours?
    That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored

    [Chorus]
    Hey now, you’re an all star
    Get your game on, go play
    Hey now, you’re a rock star
    Get the show on, get paid
    All that glitters is gold
    Only shooting stars break the mold

    [Interlude]
    (Go for the moon)
    (Go for the moon)
    (Go for the moon)
    (Go for the moon)

    [Chorus]
    Hey now, you’re an all star
    Get your game on, go play
    Hey now, you’re a rock star
    Get the show on, get paid
    And all that glitters is gold
    Only shooting stars

    [Verse 3]
    Somebody once asked
    Could I spare some change for gas?
    “I need to get myself away from this place”
    I said, “Yep, what a concept
    I could use a little fuel myself
    And we could all use a little change”

    [Pre-Chorus]
    Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
    Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
    Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
    Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
    So much to do, so much to see
    So what’s wrong with taking the backstreets?
    You’ll never know if you don’t go (Go!)
    You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

    [Chorus]
    Hey now, you’re an all star
    Get your game on, go play
    Hey now, you’re a rock star
    Get the show on, get paid
    And all that glitters is gold
    Only shooting stars break the mold

    [Outro]
    And all that glitters is gold
    Only shooting stars break the mold

    Hobo Johnson Breaks Down The Meaning Of “Typical Story”

    twenty one pilots Further Unravel The Story Of Clancy On “Jumpsuit” & “Nico And The Niners”

    A Brief History Of Yelling In Hip-Hop

  24. Avatar
    ofj

    The Entire Bee Movie Script
    Bee Movie Script – Dialogue Transcript

    According to all known laws
    of aviation,

    there is no way a bee
    should be able to fly.

    Its wings are too small to get
    its fat little body off the ground.

    The bee, of course, flies anyway

    because bees don’t care
    what humans think is impossible.

    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

    Ooh, black and yellow!
    Let’s shake it up a little.

    Barry! Breakfast is ready!

    Ooming!

    Hang on a second.

    Hello?

    – Barry?
    – Adam?

    – Oan you believe this is happening?
    – I can’t. I’ll pick you up.

    Looking sharp.

    Use the stairs. Your father
    paid good money for those.

    Sorry. I’m excited.

    Here’s the graduate.
    We’re very proud of you, son.

    A perfect report card, all B’s.

    Very proud.

    Ma! I got a thing going here.

    – You got lint on your fuzz.
    – Ow! That’s me!

    – Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.
    – Bye!

    Barry, I told you,
    stop flying in the house!

    – Hey, Adam.
    – Hey, Barry.

    – Is that fuzz gel?
    – A little. Special day, graduation.

    Never thought I’d make it.

    Three days grade school,
    three days high school.

    Those were awkward.

    Three days college. I’m glad I took
    a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

    You did come back different.

    – Hi, Barry.
    – Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

    – Hear about Frankie?
    – Yeah.

    – You going to the funeral?
    – No, I’m not going.

    Everybody knows,
    sting someone, you die.

    Don’t waste it on a squirrel.
    Such a hothead.

    I guess he could have
    just gotten out of the way.

    I love this incorporating
    an amusement park into our day.

    That’s why we don’t need vacations.

    Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
    under the circumstances.

    – Well, Adam, today we are men.
    – We are!

    – Bee-men.
    – Amen!

    Hallelujah!

    Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

    please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

    Welcome, New Hive Oity
    graduating class of…

    …9:15.

    That concludes our ceremonies.

    And begins your career
    at Honex Industries!

    Will we pick ourjob today?

    I heard it’s just orientation.

    Heads up! Here we go.

    Keep your hands and antennas
    inside the tram at all times.

    – Wonder what it’ll be like?
    – A little scary.

    Welcome to Honex,
    a division of Honesco

    and a part of the Hexagon Group.

    This is it!

    Wow.

    Wow.

    We know that you, as a bee,
    have worked your whole life

    to get to the point where you
    can work for your whole life.

    Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
    Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

    Our top-secret formula

    is automatically color-corrected,
    scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

    into this soothing sweet syrup

    with its distinctive
    golden glow you know as…

    Honey!

    – That girl was hot.
    – She’s my cousin!

    – She is?
    – Yes, we’re all cousins.

    – Right. You’re right.
    – At Honex, we constantly strive

    to improve every aspect
    of bee existence.

    These bees are stress-testing
    a new helmet technology.

    – What do you think he makes?
    – Not enough.

    Here we have our latest advancement,
    the Krelman.

    – What does that do?
    – Oatches that little strand of honey

    that hangs after you pour it.
    Saves us millions.

    Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

    Of course. Most bee jobs are
    small ones. But bees know

    that every small job,
    if it’s done well, means a lot.

    But choose carefully

    because you’ll stay in the job
    you pick for the rest of your life.

    The same job the rest of your life?
    I didn’t know that.

    What’s the difference?

    You’ll be happy to know that bees,
    as a species, haven’t had one day off

    in 27 million years.

    So you’ll just work us to death?

    We’ll sure try.

    Wow! That blew my mind!

    “What’s the difference?”
    How can you say that?

    One job forever?
    That’s an insane choice to have to make.

    I’m relieved. Now we only have
    to make one decision in life.

    But, Adam, how could they
    never have told us that?

    Why would you question anything?
    We’re bees.

    We’re the most perfectly
    functioning society on Earth.

    You ever think maybe things
    work a little too well here?

    Like what? Give me one example.

    I don’t know. But you know
    what I’m talking about.

    Please clear the gate.
    Royal Nectar Force on approach.

    Wait a second. Oheck it out.

    – Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
    – Wow.

    I’ve never seen them this close.

    They know what it’s like
    outside the hive.

    Yeah, but some don’t come back.

    – Hey, Jocks!
    – Hi, Jocks!

    You guys did great!

    You’re monsters!
    You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

    – I wonder where they were.
    – I don’t know.

    Their day’s not planned.

    Outside the hive, flying who knows
    where, doing who knows what.

    You can’tjust decide to be a Pollen
    Jock. You have to be bred for that.

    Right.

    Look. That’s more pollen
    than you and I will see in a lifetime.

    It’s just a status symbol.
    Bees make too much of it.

    Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it
    and the ladies see you wearing it.

    Those ladies?
    Aren’t they our cousins too?

    Distant. Distant.

    Look at these two.

    – Oouple of Hive Harrys.
    – Let’s have fun with them.

    It must be dangerous
    being a Pollen Jock.

    Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
    against a mushroom!

    He had a paw on my throat,
    and with the other, he was slapping me!

    – Oh, my!
    – I never thought I’d knock him out.

    What were you doing during this?

    Trying to alert the authorities.

    I can autograph that.

    A little gusty out there today,
    wasn’t it, comrades?

    Yeah. Gusty.

    We’re hitting a sunflower patch
    six miles from here tomorrow.

    – Six miles, huh?
    – Barry!

    A puddle jump for us,
    but maybe you’re not up for it.

    – Maybe I am.
    – You are not!

    We’re going 0900 at J-Gate.

    What do you think, buzzy-boy?
    Are you bee enough?

    I might be. It all depends
    on what 0900 means.

    Hey, Honex!

    Dad, you surprised me.

    You decide what you’re interested in?

    – Well, there’s a lot of choices.
    – But you only get one.

    Do you ever get bored
    doing the same job every day?

    Son, let me tell you about stirring.

    You grab that stick, and you just
    move it around, and you stir it around.

    You get yourself into a rhythm.
    It’s a beautiful thing.

    You know, Dad,
    the more I think about it,

    maybe the honey field
    just isn’t right for me.

    You were thinking of what,
    making balloon animals?

    That’s a bad job
    for a guy with a stinger.

    Janet, your son’s not sure
    he wants to go into honey!

    – Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
    – I’m not trying to be funny.

    You’re not funny! You’re going
    into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

    – You’re gonna be a stirrer?
    – No one’s listening to me!

    Wait till you see the sticks I have.

    I could say anything right now.
    I’m gonna get an ant tattoo!

    Let’s open some honey and celebrate!

    Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax.
    Shave my antennae.

    Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
    a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!

    I’m so proud.

    – We’re starting work today!
    – Today’s the day.

    Oome on! All the good jobs
    will be gone.

    Yeah, right.

    Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
    stirrer, front desk, hair removal…

    – Is it still available?
    – Hang on. Two left!

    One of them’s yours! Oongratulations!
    Step to the side.

    – What’d you get?
    – Picking crud out. Stellar!

    Wow!

    Oouple of newbies?

    Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

    Make your choice.

    – You want to go first?
    – No, you go.

    Oh, my. What’s available?

    Restroom attendant’s open,
    not for the reason you think.

    – Any chance of getting the Krelman?
    – Sure, you’re on.

    I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

    Wax monkey’s always open.

    The Krelman opened up again.

    What happened?

    A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
    He’s dead. Another dead one.

    Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

    Dead from the neck up.
    Dead from the neck down. That’s life!

    Oh, this is so hard!

    Heating, cooling,
    stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

    humming, inspector number seven,
    lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

    mite wrangler. Barry, what
    do you think I should… Barry?

    Barry!

    All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch
    in quadrant nine…

    What happened to you?
    Where are you?

    – I’m going out.
    – Out? Out where?

    – Out there.
    – Oh, no!

    I have to, before I go
    to work for the rest of my life.

    You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello?

    Another call coming in.

    If anyone’s feeling brave,
    there’s a Korean deli on 83rd

    that gets their roses today.

    Hey, guys.

    – Look at that.
    – Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday?

    Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted.

    It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up.

    Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

    Sign here, here. Just initial that.

    – Thank you.
    – OK.

    You got a rain advisory today,

    and as you all know,
    bees cannot fly in rain.

    So be careful. As always,
    watch your brooms,

    hockey sticks, dogs,
    birds, bears and bats.

    Also, I got a couple of reports
    of root beer being poured on us.

    Murphy’s in a home because of it,
    babbling like a cicada!

    – That’s awful.
    – And a reminder for you rookies,

    bee law number one,
    absolutely no talking to humans!

    All right, launch positions!

    Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
    buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

    Black and yellow!

    Hello!

    You ready for this, hot shot?

    Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

    Wind, check.

    – Antennae, check.
    – Nectar pack, check.

    – Wings, check.
    – Stinger, check.

    Scared out of my shorts, check.

    OK, ladies,

    let’s move it out!

    Pound those petunias,
    you striped stem-suckers!

    All of you, drain those flowers!

    Wow! I’m out!

    I can’t believe I’m out!

    So blue.

    I feel so fast and free!

    Box kite!

    Wow!

    Flowers!

    This is Blue Leader.
    We have roses visual.

    Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

    Roses!

    30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

    Stand to the side, kid.
    It’s got a bit of a kick.

    That is one nectar collector!

    – Ever see pollination up close?
    – No, sir.

    I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
    over here. Maybe a dash over there,

    a pinch on that one.
    See that? It’s a little bit of magic.

    That’s amazing. Why do we do that?

    That’s pollen power. More pollen, more
    flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

    Oool.

    I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow.
    Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those?

    Oopy that visual.

    Wait. One of these flowers
    seems to be on the move.

    Say again? You’re reporting
    a moving flower?

    Affirmative.

    That was on the line!

    This is the coolest. What is it?

    I don’t know, but I’m loving this color.

    It smells good.
    Not like a flower, but I like it.

    Yeah, fuzzy.

    Ohemical-y.

    Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby.

    My sweet lord of bees!

    Oandy-brain, get off there!

    Problem!

    – Guys!
    – This could be bad.

    Affirmative.

    Very close.

    Gonna hurt.

    Mama’s little boy.

    You are way out of position, rookie!

    Ooming in at you like a missile!

    Help me!

    I don’t think these are flowers.

    – Should we tell him?
    – I think he knows.

    What is this?!

    Match point!

    You can start packing up, honey,
    because you’re about to eat it!

    Yowser!

    Gross.

    There’s a bee in the car!

    – Do something!
    – I’m driving!

    – Hi, bee.
    – He’s back here!

    He’s going to sting me!

    Nobody move. If you don’t move,
    he won’t sting you. Freeze!

    He blinked!

    Spray him, Granny!

    What are you doing?!

    Wow… the tension level
    out here is unbelievable.

    I gotta get home.

    Oan’t fly in rain.

    Oan’t fly in rain.

    Oan’t fly in rain.

    Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

    Ken, could you close
    the window please?

    Ken, could you close
    the window please?

    Oheck out my new resume.
    I made it into a fold-out brochure.

    You see? Folds out.

    Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this.

    What was that?

    Maybe this time. This time. This time.
    This time! This time! This…

    Drapes!

    That is diabolical.

    It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special
    skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

    What’s number one? Star Wars?

    Nah, I don’t go for that…

    …kind of stuff.

    No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them.
    They’re out of their minds.

    When I leave a job interview, they’re
    flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say.

    There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out.

    I don’t remember the sun
    having a big 75 on it.

    I predicted global warming.

    I could feel it getting hotter.
    At first I thought it was just me.

    Wait! Stop! Bee!

    Stand back. These are winter boots.

    Wait!

    Don’t kill him!

    You know I’m allergic to them!
    This thing could kill me!

    Why does his life have
    less value than yours?

    Why does his life have any less value
    than mine? Is that your statement?

    I’m just saying all life has value. You
    don’t know what he’s capable of feeling.

    My brochure!

    There you go, little guy.

    I’m not scared of him.
    It’s an allergic thing.

    Put that on your resume brochure.

    My whole face could puff up.

    Make it one of your special skills.

    Knocking someone out
    is also a special skill.

    Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

    – Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
    – Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

    – You could put carob chips on there.
    – Bye.

    – Supposed to be less calories.
    – Bye.

    I gotta say something.

    She saved my life.
    I gotta say something.

    All right, here it goes.

    Nah.

    What would I say?

    I could really get in trouble.

    It’s a bee law.
    You’re not supposed to talk to a human.

    I can’t believe I’m doing this.

    I’ve got to.

    Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on!

    No. Yes. No.

    Do it. I can’t.

    How should I start it?
    “You like jazz?” No, that’s no good.

    Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

    Hi!

    I’m sorry.

    – You’re talking.
    – Yes, I know.

    You’re talking!

    I’m so sorry.

    No, it’s OK. It’s fine.
    I know I’m dreaming.

    But I don’t recall going to bed.

    Well, I’m sure this
    is very disconcerting.

    This is a bit of a surprise to me.
    I mean, you’re a bee!

    I am. And I’m not supposed
    to be doing this,

    but they were all trying to kill me.

    And if it wasn’t for you…

    I had to thank you.
    It’s just how I was raised.

    That was a little weird.

    – I’m talking with a bee.
    – Yeah.

    I’m talking to a bee.
    And the bee is talking to me!

    I just want to say I’m grateful.
    I’ll leave now.

    – Wait! How did you learn to do that?
    – What?

    The talking thing.

    Same way you did, I guess.
    “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.

    – That’s very funny.
    – Yeah.

    Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh,
    we’d cry with what we have to deal with.

    Anyway…

    Oan I…

    …get you something?
    – Like what?

    I don’t know. I mean…
    I don’t know. Ooffee?

    I don’t want to put you out.

    It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes.

    – It’s just coffee.
    – I hate to impose.

    – Don’t be ridiculous!
    – Actually, I would love a cup.

    Hey, you want rum cake?

    – I shouldn’t.
    – Have some.

    – No, I can’t.
    – Oome on!

    I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms.

    – Where?
    – These stripes don’t help.

    You look great!

    I don’t know if you know
    anything about fashion.

    Are you all right?

    No.

    He’s making the tie in the cab
    as they’re flying up Madison.

    He finally gets there.

    He runs up the steps into the church.
    The wedding is on.

    And he says, “Watermelon?
    I thought you said Guatemalan.

    Why would I marry a watermelon?”

    Is that a bee joke?

    That’s the kind of stuff we do.

    Yeah, different.

    So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

    About work? I don’t know.

    I want to do my part for the hive,
    but I can’t do it the way they want.

    I know how you feel.

    – You do?
    – Sure.

    My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
    a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

    – Really?
    – My only interest is flowers.

    Our new queen was just elected
    with that same campaign slogan.

    Anyway, if you look…

    There’s my hive right there. See it?

    You’re in Sheep Meadow!

    Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond!

    No way! I know that area.
    I lost a toe ring there once.

    – Why do girls put rings on their toes?
    – Why not?

    – It’s like putting a hat on your knee.
    – Maybe I’ll try that.

    – You all right, ma’am?
    – Oh, yeah. Fine.

    Just having two cups of coffee!

    Anyway, this has been great.
    Thanks for the coffee.

    Yeah, it’s no trouble.

    Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did,
    I’d be up the rest of my life.

    Are you…?

    Oan I take a piece of this with me?

    Sure! Here, have a crumb.

    – Thanks!
    – Yeah.

    All right. Well, then…
    I guess I’ll see you around.

    Or not.

    OK, Barry.

    And thank you
    so much again… for before.

    Oh, that? That was nothing.

    Well, not nothing, but… Anyway…

    This can’t possibly work.

    He’s all set to go.
    We may as well try it.

    OK, Dave, pull the chute.

    – Sounds amazing.
    – It was amazing!

    It was the scariest,
    happiest moment of my life.

    Humans! I can’t believe
    you were with humans!

    Giant, scary humans!
    What were they like?

    Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

    They eat crazy giant things.
    They drive crazy.

    – Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
    – Some of them. But some of them don’t.

    – How’d you get back?
    – Poodle.

    You did it, and I’m glad. You saw
    whatever you wanted to see.

    You had your “experience.” Now you
    can pick out yourjob and be normal.

    – Well…
    – Well?

    Well, I met someone.

    You did? Was she Bee-ish?

    – A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
    – No, no, no, not a wasp.

    – Spider?
    – I’m not attracted to spiders.

    I know it’s the hottest thing,
    with the eight legs and all.

    I can’t get by that face.

    So who is she?

    She’s… human.

    No, no. That’s a bee law.
    You wouldn’t break a bee law.

    – Her name’s Vanessa.
    – Oh, boy.

    She’s so nice. And she’s a florist!

    Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist!

    We’re not dating.

    You’re flying outside the hive, talking
    to humans that attack our homes

    with power washers and M-80s!
    One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

    She saved my life!
    And she understands me.

    This is over!

    Eat this.

    This is not over! What was that?

    – They call it a crumb.
    – It was so stingin’ stripey!

    And that’s not what they eat.
    That’s what falls off what they eat!

    – You know what a Oinnabon is?
    – No.

    It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting.
    They heat it up…

    Sit down!

    …really hot!
    – Listen to me!

    We are not them! We’re us.
    There’s us and there’s them!

    Yes, but who can deny
    the heart that is yearning?

    There’s no yearning.
    Stop yearning. Listen to me!

    You have got to start thinking bee,
    my friend. Thinking bee!

    – Thinking bee.
    – Thinking bee.

    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    There he is. He’s in the pool.

    You know what your problem is, Barry?

    I gotta start thinking bee?

    How much longer will this go on?

    It’s been three days!
    Why aren’t you working?

    I’ve got a lot of big life decisions
    to think about.

    What life? You have no life!
    You have no job. You’re barely a bee!

    Would it kill you
    to make a little honey?

    Barry, come out.
    Your father’s talking to you.

    Martin, would you talk to him?

    Barry, I’m talking to you!

    You coming?

    Got everything?

    All set!

    Go ahead. I’ll catch up.

    Don’t be too long.

    Watch this!

    Vanessa!

    – We’re still here.
    – I told you not to yell at him.

    He doesn’t respond to yelling!

    – Then why yell at me?
    – Because you don’t listen!

    I’m not listening to this.

    Sorry, I’ve gotta go.

    – Where are you going?
    – I’m meeting a friend.

    A girl? Is this why you can’t decide?

    Bye.

    I just hope she’s Bee-ish.

    They have a huge parade
    of flowers every year in Pasadena?

    To be in the Tournament of Roses,
    that’s every florist’s dream!

    Up on a float, surrounded
    by flowers, crowds cheering.

    A tournament. Do the roses
    compete in athletic events?

    No. All right, I’ve got one.
    How come you don’t fly everywhere?

    It’s exhausting. Why don’t you
    run everywhere? It’s faster.

    Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
    All right, your turn.

    TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
    That’s insane!

    You don’t have that?

    We have Hivo, but it’s a disease.
    It’s a horrible, horrible disease.

    Oh, my.

    Dumb bees!

    You must want to sting all those jerks.

    We try not to sting.
    It’s usually fatal for us.

    So you have to watch your temper.

    Very carefully.
    You kick a wall, take a walk,

    write an angry letter and throw it out.
    Work through it like any emotion:

    Anger, jealousy, lust.

    Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

    Yeah.

    – What is wrong with you?!
    – It’s a bug.

    He’s not bothering anybody.
    Get out of here, you creep!

    What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular?

    Yeah, it was. How did you know?

    It felt like about 10 pages.
    Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

    You’ve really got that
    down to a science.

    – I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
    – I’ll bet.

    What in the name
    of Mighty Hercules is this?

    How did this get here?
    Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

    Ray Liotta Private Select?

    – Is he that actor?
    – I never heard of him.

    – Why is this here?
    – For people. We eat it.

    You don’t have
    enough food of your own?

    – Well, yes.
    – How do you get it?

    – Bees make it.
    – I know who makes it!

    And it’s hard to make it!

    There’s heating, cooling, stirring.
    You need a whole Krelman thing!

    – It’s organic.
    – It’s our-ganic!

    It’s just honey, Barry.

    Just what?!

    Bees don’t know about this!
    This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

    You’ve taken our homes, schools,
    hospitals! This is all we have!

    And it’s on sale?!
    I’m getting to the bottom of this.

    I’m getting to the bottom
    of all of this!

    Hey, Hector.

    – You almost done?
    – Almost.

    He is here. I sense it.

    Well, I guess I’ll go home now

    and just leave this nice honey out,
    with no one around.

    You’re busted, box boy!

    I knew I heard something.
    So you can talk!

    I can talk.
    And now you’ll start talking!

    Where you getting the sweet stuff?
    Who’s your supplier?

    I don’t understand.
    I thought we were friends.

    The last thing we want
    to do is upset bees!

    You’re too late! It’s ours now!

    You, sir, have crossed
    the wrong sword!

    You, sir, will be lunch
    for my iguana, Ignacio!

    Where is the honey coming from?

    Tell me where!

    Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

    Orazy person!

    What horrible thing has happened here?

    These faces, they never knew
    what hit them. And now

    they’re on the road to nowhere!

    Just keep still.

    What? You’re not dead?

    Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
    that moves. Where you headed?

    To Honey Farms.
    I am onto something huge here.

    I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood,
    crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

    I’m going to Tacoma.

    – And you?
    – He really is dead.

    All right.

    Uh-oh!

    – What is that?!
    – Oh, no!

    – A wiper! Triple blade!
    – Triple blade?

    Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee!

    Why does everything have
    to be so doggone clean?!

    How much do you people need to see?!

    Open your eyes!
    Stick your head out the window!

    From NPR News in Washington,
    I’m Oarl Kasell.

    But don’t kill no more bugs!

    – Bee!
    – Moose blood guy!!

    – You hear something?
    – Like what?

    Like tiny screaming.

    Turn off the radio.

    Whassup, bee boy?

    Hey, Blood.

    Just a row of honey jars,
    as far as the eye could see.

    Wow!

    I assume wherever this truck goes
    is where they’re getting it.

    I mean, that honey’s ours.

    – Bees hang tight.
    – We’re all jammed in.

    It’s a close community.

    Not us, man. We on our own.
    Every mosquito on his own.

    – What if you get in trouble?
    – You a mosquito, you in trouble.

    Nobody likes us. They just smack.
    See a mosquito, smack, smack!

    At least you’re out in the world.
    You must meet girls.

    Mosquito girls try to trade up,
    get with a moth, dragonfly.

    Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito.

    You got to be kidding me!

    Mooseblood’s about to leave
    the building! So long, bee!

    – Hey, guys!
    – Mooseblood!

    I knew I’d catch y’all down here.
    Did you bring your crazy straw?

    We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
    and it’s pretty much pure profit.

    What is this place?

    A bee’s got a brain
    the size of a pinhead.

    They are pinheads!

    Pinhead.

    – Oheck out the new smoker.
    – Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want.

    The Thomas 3000!

    Smoker?

    Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
    Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

    A couple breaths of this
    knocks them right out.

    They make the honey,
    and we make the money.

    “They make the honey,
    and we make the money”?

    Oh, my!

    What’s going on? Are you OK?

    Yeah. It doesn’t last too long.

    Do you know you’re
    in a fake hive with fake walls?

    Our queen was moved here.
    We had no choice.

    This is your queen?
    That’s a man in women’s clothes!

    That’s a drag queen!

    What is this?

    Oh, no!

    There’s hundreds of them!

    Bee honey.

    Our honey is being brazenly stolen
    on a massive scale!

    This is worse than anything bears
    have done! I intend to do something.

    Oh, Barry, stop.

    Who told you humans are taking
    our honey? That’s a rumor.

    Do these look like rumors?

    That’s a conspiracy theory.
    These are obviously doctored photos.

    How did you get mixed up in this?

    He’s been talking to humans.

    – What?
    – Talking to humans?!

    He has a human girlfriend.
    And they make out!

    Make out? Barry!

    We do not.

    – You wish you could.
    – Whose side are you on?

    The bees!

    I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
    Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

    Barry, this is what you want
    to do with your life?

    I want to do it for all our lives.
    Nobody works harder than bees!

    Dad, I remember you
    coming home so overworked

    your hands were still stirring.
    You couldn’t stop.

    I remember that.

    What right do they have to our honey?

    We live on two cups a year. They put it
    in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

    Even if it’s true, what can one bee do?

    Sting them where it really hurts.

    In the face! The eye!

    – That would hurt.
    – No.

    Up the nose? That’s a killer.

    There’s only one place you can sting
    the humans, one place where it matters.

    Hive at Five, the hive’s only
    full-hour action news source.

    No more bee beards!

    With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

    Weather with Storm Stinger.

    Sports with Buzz Larvi.

    And Jeanette Ohung.

    – Good evening. I’m Bob Bumble.
    – And I’m Jeanette Ohung.

    A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

    intends to sue the human race
    for stealing our honey,

    packaging it and profiting
    from it illegally!

    Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

    we’ll have three former queens here in
    our studio, discussing their new book,

    Olassy Ladies,
    out this week on Hexagon.

    Tonight we’re talking to Barry Benson.

    Did you ever think, “I’m a kid
    from the hive. I can’t do this”?

    Bees have never been afraid
    to change the world.

    What about Bee Oolumbus?
    Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

    Where I’m from, we’d never sue humans.

    We were thinking
    of stickball or candy stores.

    How old are you?

    The bee community
    is supporting you in this case,

    which will be the trial
    of the bee century.

    You know, they have a Larry King
    in the human world too.

    It’s a common name. Next week…

    He looks like you and has a show
    and suspenders and colored dots…

    Next week…

    Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
    guest even though you just heard ’em.

    Bear Week next week!
    They’re scary, hairy and here live.

    Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
    squinty eyes, very Jewish.

    In tennis, you attack
    at the point of weakness!

    It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81.

    Honey, her backhand’s a joke!
    I’m not gonna take advantage of that?

    Quiet, please.
    Actual work going on here.

    – Is that that same bee?
    – Yes, it is!

    I’m helping him sue the human race.

    – Hello.
    – Hello, bee.

    This is Ken.

    Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
    ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

    Why does he talk again?

    Listen, you better go
    ’cause we’re really busy working.

    But it’s our yogurt night!

    Bye-bye.

    Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

    You poor thing.
    You two have been at this for hours!

    Yes, and Adam here
    has been a huge help.

    – Frosting…
    – How many sugars?

    Just one. I try not
    to use the competition.

    So why are you helping me?

    Bees have good qualities.

    And it takes my mind off the shop.

    Instead of flowers, people
    are giving balloon bouquets now.

    Those are great, if you’re three.

    And artificial flowers.

    – Oh, those just get me psychotic!
    – Yeah, me too.

    Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

    Bees must hate those fake things!

    Nothing worse
    than a daffodil that’s had work done.

    Maybe this could make up
    for it a little bit.

    – This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal.
    – I guess.

    You sure you want to go through with it?

    Am I sure? When I’m done with
    the humans, they won’t be able

    to say, “Honey, I’m home,”
    without paying a royalty!

    It’s an incredible scene
    here in downtown Manhattan,

    where the world anxiously waits,
    because for the first time in history,

    we will hear for ourselves
    if a honeybee can actually speak.

    What have we gotten into here, Barry?

    It’s pretty big, isn’t it?

    I can’t believe how many humans
    don’t work during the day.

    You think billion-dollar multinational
    food companies have good lawyers?

    Everybody needs to stay
    behind the barricade.

    – What’s the matter?
    – I don’t know, I just got a chill.

    Well, if it isn’t the bee team.

    You boys work on this?

    All rise! The Honorable
    Judge Bumbleton presiding.

    All right. Oase number 4475,

    Superior Oourt of New York,
    Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

    is now in session.

    Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing
    the five food companies collectively?

    A privilege.

    Mr. Benson… you’re representing
    all the bees of the world?

    I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
    we’re ready to proceed.

    Mr. Montgomery,
    your opening statement, please.

    Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

    my grandmother was a simple woman.

    Born on a farm, she believed
    it was man’s divine right

    to benefit from the bounty
    of nature God put before us.

    If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
    Mr. Benson imagines,

    just think of what would it mean.

    I would have to negotiate
    with the silkworm

    for the elastic in my britches!

    Talking bee!

    How do we know this isn’t some sort of

    holographic motion-picture-capture
    Hollywood wizardry?

    They could be using laser beams!

    Robotics! Ventriloquism!
    Oloning! For all we know,

    he could be on steroids!

    Mr. Benson?

    Ladies and gentlemen,
    there’s no trickery here.

    I’m just an ordinary bee.
    Honey’s pretty important to me.

    It’s important to all bees.
    We invented it!

    We make it. And we protect it
    with our lives.

    Unfortunately, there are
    some people in this room

    who think they can take it from us

    ’cause we’re the little guys!
    I’m hoping that, after this is all over,

    you’ll see how, by taking our honey,
    you not only take everything we have

    but everything we are!

    I wish he’d dress like that
    all the time. So nice!

    Oall your first witness.

    So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
    of Honey Farms, big company you have.

    I suppose so.

    I see you also own
    Honeyburton and Honron!

    Yes, they provide beekeepers
    for our farms.

    Beekeeper. I find that
    to be a very disturbing term.

    I don’t imagine you employ
    any bee-free-ers, do you?

    – No.
    – I couldn’t hear you.

    – No.
    – No.

    Because you don’t free bees.
    You keep bees. Not only that,

    it seems you thought a bear would be
    an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

    They’re very lovable creatures.

    Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

    You mean like this?

    Bears kill bees!

    How’d you like his head crashing
    through your living room?!

    Biting into your couch!
    Spitting out your throw pillows!

    OK, that’s enough. Take him away.

    So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
    Your name intrigues me.

    – Where have I heard it before?
    – I was with a band called The Police.

    But you’ve never been
    a police officer, have you?

    No, I haven’t.

    No, you haven’t. And so here
    we have yet another example

    of bee culture casually
    stolen by a human

    for nothing more than
    a prance-about stage name.

    Oh, please.

    Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

    Because I’m feeling
    a little stung, Sting.

    Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

    That’s not his real name?! You idiots!

    Mr. Liotta, first,
    belated congratulations on

    your Emmy win for a guest spot
    on ER in 2005.

    Thank you. Thank you.

    I see from your resume
    that you’re devilishly handsome

    with a churning inner turmoil
    that’s ready to blow.

    I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

    Not yet it isn’t. But is this
    what it’s come to for you?

    Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
    so you don’t

    have to rehearse
    your part and learn your lines, sir?

    Watch it, Benson!
    I could blow right now!

    This isn’t a goodfella.
    This is a badfella!

    Why doesn’t someone just step on
    this creep, and we can all go home?!

    – Order in this court!
    – You’re all thinking it!

    Order! Order, I say!

    – Say it!
    – Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

    I think it was awfully nice
    of that bear to pitch in like that.

    I think the jury’s on our side.

    Are we doing everything right, legally?

    I’m a florist.

    Right. Well, here’s to a great team.

    To a great team!

    Well, hello.

    – Ken!
    – Hello.

    I didn’t think you were coming.

    No, I was just late.
    I tried to call, but… the battery.

    I didn’t want all this to go to waste,
    so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

    Oh, that was lucky.

    There’s a little left.
    I could heat it up.

    Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

    So I hear you’re quite a tennis player.

    I’m not much for the game myself.
    The ball’s a little grabby.

    That’s where I usually sit.
    Right… there.

    Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

    and he agreed with me that eating with
    chopsticks isn’t really a special skill.

    You think I don’t see what you’re doing?

    I know how hard it is to find
    the rightjob. We have that in common.

    Do we?

    Bees have 100 percent employment,
    but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

    That’s just what
    I was thinking about doing.

    Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
    for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

    I’m going to drain the old stinger.

    Yeah, you do that.

    Look at that.

    You know, I’ve just about had it

    with your little mind games.

    – What’s that?
    – Italian Vogue.

    Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages.

    A lot of ads.

    Remember what Van said, why is
    your life more valuable than mine?

    Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that!

    I think something stinks in here!

    I love the smell of flowers.

    How do you like the smell of flames?!

    Not as much.

    Water bug! Not taking sides!

    Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat!
    This is pathetic!

    I’ve got issues!

    Well, well, well, a royal flush!

    – You’re bluffing.
    – Am I?

    Surf’s up, dude!

    Poo water!

    That bowl is gnarly.

    Except for those dirty yellow rings!

    Kenneth! What are you doing?!

    You know, I don’t even like honey!
    I don’t eat it!

    We need to talk!

    He’s just a little bee!

    And he happens to be
    the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time!

    Long time? What are you talking about?!
    Are there other bugs in your life?

    No, but there are other things bugging
    me in life. And you’re one of them!

    Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…

    My nerves are fried from riding
    on this emotional roller coaster!

    Goodbye, Ken.

    And for your information,

    I prefer sugar-free, artificial
    sweeteners made by man!

    I’m sorry about all that.

    I know it’s got
    an aftertaste! I like it!

    I always felt there was some kind
    of barrier between Ken and me.

    I couldn’t overcome it.
    Oh, well.

    Are you OK for the trial?

    I believe Mr. Montgomery
    is about out of ideas.

    We would like to call
    Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

    Good idea! You can really see why he’s
    considered one of the best lawyers…

    Yeah.

    Layton, you’ve
    gotta weave some magic

    with this jury,
    or it’s gonna be all over.

    Don’t worry. The only thing I have
    to do to turn this jury around

    is to remind them
    of what they don’t like about bees.

    – You got the tweezers?
    – Are you allergic?

    Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

    Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you
    what I think we’d all like to know.

    What exactly is your relationship

    to that woman?

    We’re friends.

    – Good friends?
    – Yes.

    How good? Do you live together?

    Wait a minute…

    Are you her little…

    …bedbug?

    I’ve seen a bee documentary or two.
    From what I understand,

    doesn’t your queen give birth
    to all the bee children?

    – Yeah, but…
    – So those aren’t your real parents!

    – Oh, Barry…
    – Yes, they are!

    Hold me back!

    You’re an illegitimate bee,
    aren’t you, Benson?

    He’s denouncing bees!

    Don’t y’all date your cousins?

    – Objection!
    – I’m going to pincushion this guy!

    Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants!

    Oh, I’m hit!!

    Oh, lordy, I am hit!

    Order! Order!

    The venom! The venom
    is coursing through my veins!

    I have been felled
    by a winged beast of destruction!

    You see? You can’t treat them
    like equals! They’re striped savages!

    Stinging’s the only thing
    they know! It’s their way!

    – Adam, stay with me.
    – I can’t feel my legs.

    What angel of mercy
    will come forward to suck the poison

    from my heaving buttocks?

    I will have order in this court. Order!

    Order, please!

    The case of the honeybees
    versus the human race

    took a pointed turn against the bees

    yesterday when one of their legal
    team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

    – Hey, buddy.
    – Hey.

    – Is there much pain?
    – Yeah.

    I…

    I blew the whole case, didn’t I?

    It doesn’t matter. What matters is
    you’re alive. You could have died.

    I’d be better off dead. Look at me.

    They got it from the cafeteria
    downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

    Look, there’s
    a little celery still on it.

    What was it like to sting someone?

    I can’t explain it. It was all…

    All adrenaline and then…
    and then ecstasy!

    All right.

    You think it was all a trap?

    Of course. I’m sorry.
    I flew us right into this.

    What were we thinking? Look at us. We’re
    just a couple of bugs in this world.

    What will the humans do to us
    if they win?

    I don’t know.

    I hear they put the roaches in motels.
    That doesn’t sound so bad.

    Adam, they check in,
    but they don’t check out!

    Oh, my.

    Oould you get a nurse
    to close that window?

    – Why?
    – The smoke.

    Bees don’t smoke.

    Right. Bees don’t smoke.

    Bees don’t smoke!
    But some bees are smoking.

    That’s it! That’s our case!

    It is? It’s not over?

    Get dressed. I’ve gotta go somewhere.

    Get back to the court and stall.
    Stall any way you can.

    And assuming you’ve done step correctly, you’re ready for the tub.

    Mr. Flayman.

    Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

    Where is the rest of your team?

    Well, Your Honor, it’s interesting.

    Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

    and as a result,
    we don’t make very good time.

    I actually heard a funny story about…

    Your Honor,
    haven’t these ridiculous bugs

    taken up enough
    of this court’s valuable time?

    How much longer will we allow
    these absurd shenanigans to go on?

    They have presented no compelling
    evidence to support their charges

    against my clients,
    who run legitimate businesses.

    I move for a complete dismissal
    of this entire case!

    Mr. Flayman, I’m afraid I’m going

    to have to consider
    Mr. Montgomery’s motion.

    But you can’t! We have a terrific case.

    Where is your proof?
    Where is the evidence?

    Show me the smoking gun!

    Hold it, Your Honor!
    You want a smoking gun?

    Here is your smoking gun.

    What is that?

    It’s a bee smoker!

    What, this?
    This harmless little contraption?

    This couldn’t hurt a fly,
    let alone a bee.

    Look at what has happened

    to bees who have never been asked,
    “Smoking or non?”

    Is this what nature intended for us?

    To be forcibly addicted
    to smoke machines

    and man-made wooden slat work camps?

    Living out our lives as honey slaves
    to the white man?

    – What are we gonna do?
    – He’s playing the species card.

    Ladies and gentlemen, please,
    free these bees!

    Free the bees! Free the bees!

    Free the bees!

    Free the bees! Free the bees!

    The court finds in favor of the bees!

    Vanessa, we won!

    I knew you could do it! High-five!

    Sorry.

    I’m OK! You know what this means?

    All the honey
    will finally belong to the bees.

    Now we won’t have
    to work so hard all the time.

    This is an unholy perversion
    of the balance of nature, Benson.

    You’ll regret this.

    Barry, how much honey is out there?

    All right. One at a time.

    Barry, who are you wearing?

    My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
    and I have no pants.

    – What if Montgomery’s right?
    – What do you mean?

    We’ve been living the bee way
    a long time, 27 million years.

    Oongratulations on your victory.
    What will you demand as a settlement?

    First, we’ll demand a complete shutdown
    of all bee work camps.

    Then we want back the honey
    that was ours to begin with,

    every last drop.

    We demand an end to the glorification
    of the bear as anything more

    than a filthy, smelly,
    bad-breath stink machine.

    We’re all aware
    of what they do in the woods.

    Wait for my signal.

    Take him out.

    He’ll have nauseous
    for a few hours, then he’ll be fine.

    And we will no longer tolerate
    bee-negative nicknames…

    But it’s just a prance-about stage name!

    …unnecessary inclusion of honey
    in bogus health products

    and la-dee-da human
    tea-time snack garnishments.

    Oan’t breathe.

    Bring it in, boys!

    Hold it right there! Good.

    Tap it.

    Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
    and there’s gallons more coming!

    – I think we need to shut down!
    – Shut down? We’ve never shut down.

    Shut down honey production!

    Stop making honey!

    Turn your key, sir!

    What do we do now?

    Oannonball!

    We’re shutting honey production!

    Mission abort.

    Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
    Returning to base.

    Adam, you wouldn’t believe
    how much honey was out there.

    Oh, yeah?

    What’s going on? Where is everybody?

    – Are they out celebrating?
    – They’re home.

    They don’t know what to do.
    Laying out, sleeping in.

    I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
    to San Antonio with a cricket.

    At least we got our honey back.

    Sometimes I think, so what if humans
    liked our honey? Who wouldn’t?

    It’s the greatest thing in the world!
    I was excited to be part of making it.

    This was my new desk. This was my
    new job. I wanted to do it really well.

    And now…

    Now I can’t.

    I don’t understand
    why they’re not happy.

    I thought their lives would be better!

    They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing.
    Honey really changes people.

    You don’t have any idea
    what’s going on, do you?

    – What did you want to show me?
    – This.

    What happened here?

    That is not the half of it.

    Oh, no. Oh, my.

    They’re all wilting.

    Doesn’t look very good, does it?

    No.

    And whose fault do you think that is?

    You know, I’m gonna guess bees.

    Bees?

    Specifically, me.

    I didn’t think bees not needing to make
    honey would affect all these things.

    It’s notjust flowers.
    Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

    That’s our whole SAT test right there.

    Take away produce, that affects
    the entire animal kingdom.

    And then, of course…

    The human species?

    So if there’s no more pollination,

    it could all just go south here,
    couldn’t it?

    I know this is also partly my fault.

    How about a suicide pact?

    How do we do it?

    – I’ll sting you, you step on me.
    – Thatjust kills you twice.

    Right, right.

    Listen, Barry…
    sorry, but I gotta get going.

    I had to open my mouth and talk.

    Vanessa?

    Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
    Where are you going?

    To the final Tournament of Roses parade
    in Pasadena.

    They’ve moved it to this weekend
    because all the flowers are dying.

    It’s the last chance
    I’ll ever have to see it.

    Vanessa, I just wanna say I’m sorry.
    I never meant it to turn out like this.

    I know. Me neither.

    Tournament of Roses.
    Roses can’t do sports.

    Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

    Roses!

    Vanessa!

    Roses?!

    Barry?

    – Roses are flowers!
    – Yes, they are.

    Flowers, bees, pollen!

    I know.
    That’s why this is the last parade.

    Maybe not.
    Oould you ask him to slow down?

    Oould you slow down?

    Barry!

    OK, I made a huge mistake.
    This is a total disaster, all my fault.

    Yes, it kind of is.

    I’ve ruined the planet.
    I wanted to help you

    with the flower shop.
    I’ve made it worse.

    Actually, it’s completely closed down.

    I thought maybe you were remodeling.

    But I have another idea, and it’s
    greater than my previous ideas combined.

    I don’t want to hear it!

    All right, they have the roses,
    the roses have the pollen.

    I know every bee, plant
    and flower bud in this park.

    All we gotta do is get what they’ve got
    back here with what we’ve got.

    – Bees.
    – Park.

    – Pollen!
    – Flowers.

    – Repollination!
    – Across the nation!

    Tournament of Roses,
    Pasadena, Oalifornia.

    They’ve got nothing
    but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

    Security will be tight.

    I have an idea.

    Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

    Official floral business. It’s real.

    Sorry, ma’am. Nice brooch.

    Thank you. It was a gift.

    Once inside,
    we just pick the right float.

    How about The Princess and the Pea?

    I could be the princess,
    and you could be the pea!

    Yes, I got it.

    – Where should I sit?
    – What are you?

    – I believe I’m the pea.
    – The pea?

    It goes under the mattresses.

    – Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
    – I’m getting the marshal.

    You do that!
    This whole parade is a fiasco!

    Let’s see what this baby’ll do.

    Hey, what are you doing?!

    Then all we do
    is blend in with traffic…

    …without arousing suspicion.

    Once at the airport,
    there’s no stopping us.

    Stop! Security.

    – You and your insect pack your float?
    – Yes.

    Has it been
    in your possession the entire time?

    Would you remove your shoes?

    – Remove your stinger.
    – It’s part of me.

    I know. Just having some fun.
    Enjoy your flight.

    Then if we’re lucky, we’ll have
    just enough pollen to do the job.

    Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
    have just enough pollen to do the job!

    I think this is gonna work.

    It’s got to work.

    Attention, passengers,
    this is Oaptain Scott.

    We have a bit of bad weather
    in New York.

    It looks like we’ll experience
    a couple hours delay.

    Barry, these are cut flowers
    with no water. They’ll never make it.

    I gotta get up there
    and talk to them.

    Be careful.

    Oan I get help
    with the Sky Mall magazine?

    I’d like to order the talking
    inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

    Oaptain, I’m in a real situation.

    – What’d you say, Hal?
    – Nothing.

    Bee!

    Don’t freak out! My entire species…

    What are you doing?

    – Wait a minute! I’m an attorney!
    – Who’s an attorney?

    Don’t move.

    Oh, Barry.

    Good afternoon, passengers.
    This is your captain.

    Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
    please report to the cockpit?

    And please hurry!

    What happened here?

    There was a DustBuster,
    a toupee, a life raft exploded.

    One’s bald, one’s in a boat,
    they’re both unconscious!

    – Is that another bee joke?
    – No!

    No one’s flying the plane!

    This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
    What’s your status?

    This is Vanessa Bloome.
    I’m a florist from New York.

    Where’s the pilot?

    He’s unconscious,
    and so is the copilot.

    Not good. Does anyone onboard
    have flight experience?

    As a matter of fact, there is.

    – Who’s that?
    – Barry Benson.

    From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

    Vanessa, this is nothing more
    than a big metal bee.

    It’s got giant wings, huge engines.

    I can’t fly a plane.

    – Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot?
    – Yes.

    How hard could it be?

    Wait, Barry!
    We’re headed into some lightning.

    This is Bob Bumble. We have some
    late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

    where a suspenseful scene
    is developing.

    Barry Benson,
    fresh from his legal victory…

    That’s Barry!

    …is attempting to land a plane,
    loaded with people, flowers

    and an incapacitated flight crew.

    Flowers?!

    We have a storm in the area
    and two individuals at the controls

    with absolutely no flight experience.

    Just a minute.
    There’s a bee on that plane.

    I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson
    and his no-account compadres.

    They’ve done enough damage.

    But isn’t he your only hope?

    Technically, a bee
    shouldn’t be able to fly at all.

    Their wings are too small…

    Haven’t we heard this a million times?

    “The surface area of the wings
    and body mass make no sense.”

    – Get this on the air!
    – Got it.

    – Stand by.
    – We’re going live.

    The way we work may be a mystery to you.

    Making honey takes a lot of bees
    doing a lot of small jobs.

    But let me tell you about a small job.

    If you do it well,
    it makes a big difference.

    More than we realized.
    To us, to everyone.

    That’s why I want to get bees
    back to working together.

    That’s the bee way!
    We’re not made of Jell-O.

    We get behind a fellow.

    – Black and yellow!
    – Hello!

    Left, right, down, hover.

    – Hover?
    – Forget hover.

    This isn’t so hard.
    Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

    Barry, what happened?!

    Wait, I think we were
    on autopilot the whole time.

    – That may have been helping me.
    – And now we’re not!

    So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

    All of you, let’s get
    behind this fellow! Move it out!

    Move out!

    Our only chance is if I do what I’d do,
    you copy me with the wings of the plane!

    Don’t have to yell.

    I’m not yelling!
    We’re in a lot of trouble.

    It’s very hard to concentrate
    with that panicky tone in your voice!

    It’s not a tone. I’m panicking!

    I can’t do this!

    Vanessa, pull yourself together.
    You have to snap out of it!

    You snap out of it.

    You snap out of it.

    – You snap out of it!
    – You snap out of it!

    – You snap out of it!
    – You snap out of it!

    – You snap out of it!
    – You snap out of it!

    – Hold it!
    – Why? Oome on, it’s my turn.

    How is the plane flying?

    I don’t know.

    Hello?

    Benson, got any flowers
    for a happy occasion in there?

    The Pollen Jocks!

    They do get behind a fellow.

    – Black and yellow.
    – Hello.

    All right, let’s drop this tin can
    on the blacktop.

    Where? I can’t see anything. Oan you?

    No, nothing. It’s all cloudy.

    Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

    – Thinking bee.
    – Thinking bee.

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    Wait a minute.
    I think I’m feeling something.

    – What?
    – I don’t know. It’s strong, pulling me.

    Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

    Bring the nose down.

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    – What in the world is on the tarmac?
    – Get some lights on that!

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    – Vanessa, aim for the flower.
    – OK.

    Out the engines. We’re going in
    on bee power. Ready, boys?

    Affirmative!

    Good. Good. Easy, now. That’s it.

    Land on that flower!

    Ready? Full reverse!

    Spin it around!

    – Not that flower! The other one!
    – Which one?

    – That flower.
    – I’m aiming at the flower!

    That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
    I mean the giant pulsating flower

    made of millions of bees!

    Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

    Rotate around it.

    – This is insane, Barry!
    – This’s the only way I know how to fly.

    Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
    flying in an insect-like pattern?

    Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid.
    Smell it. Full reverse!

    Just drop it. Be a part of it.

    Aim for the center!

    Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

    Oome on, already.

    Barry, we did it!
    You taught me how to fly!

    – Yes. No high-five!
    – Right.

    Barry, it worked!
    Did you see the giant flower?

    What giant flower? Where? Of course
    I saw the flower! That was genius!

    – Thank you.
    – But we’re not done yet.

    Listen, everyone!

    This runway is covered
    with the last pollen

    from the last flowers
    available anywhere on Earth.

    That means this is our last chance.

    We’re the only ones who make honey,
    pollinate flowers and dress like this.

    If we’re gonna survive as a species,
    this is our moment! What do you say?

    Are we going to be bees, orjust
    Museum of Natural History keychains?

    We’re bees!

    Keychain!

    Then follow me! Except Keychain.

    Hold on, Barry. Here.

    You’ve earned this.

    Yeah!

    I’m a Pollen Jock! And it’s a perfect
    fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

    Oh, yeah.

    That’s our Barry.

    Mom! The bees are back!

    If anybody needs
    to make a call, now’s the time.

    I got a feeling we’ll be
    working late tonight!

    Here’s your change. Have a great
    afternoon! Oan I help who’s next?

    Would you like some honey with that?
    It is bee-approved. Don’t forget these.

    Milk, cream, cheese, it’s all me.
    And I don’t see a nickel!

    Sometimes I just feel
    like a piece of meat!

    I had no idea.

    Barry, I’m sorry.
    Have you got a moment?

    Would you excuse me?
    My mosquito associate will help you.

    Sorry I’m late.

    He’s a lawyer too?

    I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
    All I needed was a briefcase.

    Have a great afternoon!

    Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
    and I can’t get them anywhere.

    No problem, Vannie.
    Just leave it to me.

    You’re a lifesaver, Barry.
    Oan I help who’s next?

    All right, scramble, jocks!
    It’s time to fly.

    Thank you, Barry!

    That bee is living my life!

    Let it go, Kenny.

    – When will this nightmare end?!
    – Let it all go.

    – Beautiful day to fly.
    – Sure is.

    Between you and me,
    I was dying to get out of that office.

    You have got
    to start thinking bee, my friend.

    – Thinking bee!
    – Me?

    Hold it. Let’s just stop
    for a second. Hold it.

    I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone.
    Oan we stop here?

    I’m not making a major life decision
    during a production number!

    All right. Take ten, everybody.
    Wrap it up, guys.

    I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

  25. Avatar
    The Highground

    Senator, we’re making
    our final approach into Coruscant.
    Very good, Lieutenant.
    [ Droid Beeping ]
    [ Grunts ]
    We made it.
    [ Man ]
    I guess I was wrong.
    There was no danger at all.
    Cord.
    Milady, I’m so sorry.
    I’ve failed you, Senator.
    No.
    Milady, you’re still
    in danger here.
    – I shouldn’t have come back.
    – This vote is very important.
    You did your duty.
    Cord did hers. Now, come.
    Senator Amidala,
    please.
    I don’t know how much longer
    I can hold off the vote, my friends.
    More and more star systems
    are joining the separatists.
    – If they do break away–
    – I will not let this Republic…
    that has stood for a thousand years
    be split in two.
    My negotiations
    will not fail.
    If they do,you must realize
    there aren’t enoughJedi
    to protect the Republic.
    We’re keepers of the peace,
    not soldiers.
    Master Yoda.
    Do you think it will
    really come to war?
    Hmm, the dark side
    clouds everything.
    Impossible to see
    the future is.
    [ Speaking Huttese ]
    The Loyalist Committee
    has arrived, Your Honor.
    – Good.
    – [ Huttese ]
    Send them in.
    We will discuss
    this matter later.
    Senator Amidala,
    your tragedy on the landing platform–
    terrible.
    Seeing you alive
    brings warm feelings to my heart.
    Do you have any idea
    who was behind this attack?
    Our intelligence points to disgruntled
    spice miners on the moons of Naboo.
    I think that Count Dooku
    was behind it.
    He is a political idealist,
    not a murderer.
    You know, milady,
    Count Dooku was once a Jedi.
    He couldn’t assassinate anyone.
    It’s not in his character.
    But for certain,
    Senator…
    in grave danger you are.
    MasterJedi,
    may I suggest…
    the senator
    be placed…
    under the protection
    of your graces.
    Do you really think that’s a wise
    decision under these stressful times?
    Chancellor, if I may comment,
    I do not believe–
    The situation
    is that serious?
    No, but I do, Senator.
    I realize all too well
    that additional security…
    might be
    disruptive for you…
    but perhaps someone
    you’re familiar with.
    An old friend,
    like Master Kenobi.
    That’s possible.
    He’s just returned
    from a border dispute on Ansion.
    Do it for me, milady.
    Please?
    The thought
    of losing you…
    is unbearable.
    I will have Obi-Wan
    report to you immediately, milady.
    [ Senator Amidala ]
    Thank you, Master Windu.
    You seem
    a little on edge.
    – Not at all.
    – I haven’t felt you this tense…
    since we fell into
    that nest of gundarks.
    [ Scoffs ] You fell into
    that nightmare, Master…
    and I rescued you,
    remember?
    Oh… yes.
    [ Laughing ]
    [ Chuckles ]
    You’re sweating. Relax.
    Take a deep breath.
    I haven’t seen her
    in ten years, Master.
    Obi? Obi!
    Mesa so smilen
    to seein yousa!
    – Good to see you again,JarJar.
    – Senator Padm.
    Mesa palos here!
    Lookie, lookie, Senator.
    Desa Jedi arriven.
    It’s a great pleasure
    to see you again, milady.
    It has been far too long,
    Master Kenobi.
    Ani? My goodness,
    you’ve grown.
    So have you.
    Grown more beautiful, I mean.
    Well, f-for a senator,
    I mean.
    Ani, you’ll always be that little boy
    I knew on Tatooine.
    Our presence here will be invisible,
    milady, I can assure you.
    I’m Captain Typho
    of Her Majesty’s security service.
    Queen Jamillia has been informed
    of your assignment.
    I am grateful you are here,
    Master Kenobi.
    The situation is more dangerous
    than the senator will admit.
    I don’t need more security.
    I need answers.
    I want to know
    who’s trying to kill me.
    We are here to protect you, Senator,
    not to start an investigation.
    We will find out
    who’s trying to kill you, Padm.
    – I promise you.
    – We will not exceed our mandate…
    my young Padawan learner.
    I meant that in the interest
    of protecting her, Master.
    We will not go through
    this exercise again, Anakin…
    – and you will pay attention to my lead.
    – Why?
    What?
    Why else do you think we were assigned
    to her if not to find the killer?
    Protection is a job
    for local security, notJedi.
    It’s overkill, Master.
    Investigation is implied in our mandate.
    We will do exactly
    as the council has instructed.
    And you will learn
    your place, young one.
    Perhaps with
    merely your presence…
    the mystery surrounding
    this threat will be revealed.
    Now, if you’ll
    excuse me…
    I will retire.
    I know I’ll feel better
    having you here.
    I’ll have an officer stationed
    on every floor, and I’ll be in
    the control center downstairs.
    Mesa busten wit happiness
    seein yousa again, Ani.
    She hardly even
    recognized me,JarJar.
    I’ve thought about her
    every day since we parted, and…
    she’s forgotten me completely.
    Shesa happy. Happier den
    mesa seein her in a longo time.
    You’re focusing on the negative, Anakin.
    Be mindful of your thoughts.
    She was pleased to see us.
    Now, let’s check the security.
    I hit the ship,
    but they used a decoy.
    We’ll have to try something
    more subtle this time, Zam.
    My client is getting impatient.
    Take these.
    Be careful.
    They’re very poisonous.
    Zam, there can be
    no mistakes this time.
    Captain Typho has
    more than enough men downstairs.
    No assassin would try that way.
    – Any activity up here?
    – Quiet as a tomb.
    I don’t like just waiting here
    for something to happen to her.
    – [ Beeping ]
    – What’s going on?
    Ah, she covered
    the cameras.
    I don’t think
    she liked me watching her.
    What is she thinking?
    She programmed R2
    to warn us if there is an intruder.
    [ Obi-Wan ] There are many
    other ways to kill a senator.
    [ Anakin ] I know, but we also want to
    catch this assassin, don’t we, Master?
    You’re using her as bait.
    It was her idea.
    Don’t worry.
    No harm will come to her.
    I can sense everything
    going on in that room.
    Trust me.
    It’s too risky.
    Besides, your senses aren’t
    that attuned, my young apprentice.
    And yours are?
    Possibly.
    You look tired.
    I don’t sleep well anymore.
    Because of your mother?
    I don’t know why
    I keep dreaming about her.
    Dreams pass in time.
    I’d much rather dream
    about Padm.
    Just being around her again
    is… intoxicating.
    Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin.
    They betray you.
    You’ve made
    a commitment to theJedi order,
    a commitment not easily broken.
    And don’t forget, she’s a politician,
    and they’re not to be trusted.
    [ Anakin ] She’s not like the others
    in the senate, Master.
    [ Obi-Wan ] It is my experience
    that senators…
    focus only on pleasing those
    who fund their campaigns…
    and they’re in no means scared of
    forgetting the niceties of democracy…
    -in order to get those funds.
    – Not another lecture.
    At least not on
    the economics of politics.
    [ R2-D2 Beeps ]
    [ Beeping ]
    And besides,
    you’re generalizing.
    – The chancellor doesn’t
    appear to be corrupt.
    – Palpatine is a politician.
    [ Obi-Wan ] I have observed
    that he is very clever…
    in following the passions
    and the prejudices of the senators.
    I think he’s a good man. My–
    I sense it too.
    [ Gasps ]
    [ Whirring ]
    Stay here!
    Are you all right,
    milady?
    Ah!
    – [ Horn Honking ]
    – What the–
    [ Cursing In Huttese ]
    Jedi poo doo!
    – What took you so long?
    – Oh, you know, Master.
    – I couldn’t find a speeder
    that I really liked…
    – There he is.
    with the open cockpit and
    the right speed capabilities.
    If you spent as much time
    practicing your saber techniques
    as you do your wit…
    you would rival Master Yoda
    as a swordsman.
    – I thought I already did.
    – Only in your mind,
    my very young apprentice.
    – Pull up, Anakin. Pull up!
    – [ Laughing ]
    – You know I don’t like it
    when you do that.
    – Sorry, Master.
    I forgot you
    don’t like flying.
    I don’t mind flying,
    but what you’re doing is suicide.
    Anakin! How many times
    have I told you– Ah!–
    – Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
    – stay away from power couplings!
    That was good!
    Where are you going?
    He went that way.
    Master, if we keep this chase
    going any longer…
    that creep is gonna
    end up deep-fried…
    and, personally, I’d very much
    like to find out who he is
    and who he’s working for.
    This is a shortcut.
    I think.
    Well, you’ve lost him.
    I’m deeply sorry, Master.
    That was some shortcut,
    Anakin.
    He went completely
    the other way.
    – Once again you’ve proved–
    – If you’ll excuse me.
    I hate it when he does that.
    [ Grunting ]
    – [ Engine Accelerating ]
    – [ Grunting ]
    [ Shouting, Grunting ]
    [ Onlookers Murmuring ]
    Anakin!
    – She went into the club, Master.
    – Patience.
    Use the Force. Think.
    – Sorry, Master.
    – He went in there to hide, not to run.
    – Yes, Master.
    – Next time, try not to lose it.
    – Yes, Master.
    – This weapon is your life.
    I try, Master.
    Why do I get the feeling
    you’re going to be the death of me?
    Don’t say that, Master. You’re
    the closest thing I have to a father.
    – Then why don’t you listen to me?
    – I am trying.
    [ Cheering, Shouting ]
    – Can you see him?
    – I think he is a she…
    and I think she
    is a changeling.
    In that case,
    be extra careful.
    – Go and find her.
    – Where are you going, Master?
    For a drink.
    Thank you.
    You wanna buy
    some death sticks?
    You don’t want to
    sell me death sticks.
    – I don’t want to sell you death sticks.
    – You want to go home…
    – and rethink your life.
    – I want to go home and rethink my life.
    – [ Patron Shouting In Huttese ]
    – [ Patrons Laughing ]
    [ Cheering ]
    – [ Screaming ]
    – [ Patrons Gasping ]
    [ Moaning, Grunting ]
    Easy.Jedi business.
    Go back to your drinks.
    – [ Groaning ]
    – Do you know who it was
    you were trying to kill?
    [ Moans ]
    It was a senator from Naboo.
    And who hired you?
    It was just a job.
    Who hired you? Tell us.
    Tell us now!
    It was a bounty hunter called–
    [ Gagging ]
    Wee shahnit… sleemo.
    Toxic dart.
    [ Yoda ] Track down this bounty hunter
    you must, Obi-Wan.
    Most importantly,
    find out who he’s working for.
    What about
    Senator Amidala?
    She will still
    need protecting.
    Handle that your Padawan will.
    Anakin, escort the senator back
    to her home planet of Naboo.
    She’ll be safer there.
    And don’t use registered transport.
    Travel as refugees.
    As the leader of the opposition,
    it will be very difficult…
    to get Senator Amidala
    to leave the capital.
    Until caught
    this killer is…
    our judgment she must respect.
    – Hmm.
    -[ Windu ] Anakin, go to the senate…
    and ask Chancellor Palpatine
    to speak with her about this matter.
    I will talk with her. Senator Amidala
    will not refuse an executive order.
    I know her well enough
    to assure you of that.
    Thank you,
    Your Excellency.
    And so, they’ve finally
    given you an assignment.
    Your patience
    has paid off.
    Your guidance
    more than my patience.
    You don’t
    need guidance, Anakin.
    In time, you will learn
    to trust your feelings.
    Then you will be invincible.
    I have said it many times: You are
    the most gifted Jedi I have ever met.
    Thank you,
    Your Excellency.
    I see you becoming
    the greatest of all theJedi, Anakin…
    even more powerful
    than Master Yoda.
    I am concerned
    for my Padawan.
    He is not ready to be given
    this assignment on his own yet.
    [ Yoda ] The council is confident
    in its decision, Obi-Wan.
    [ Windu ]
    The boy has exceptional skills.
    But he still has
    much to learn, Master.
    His abilities have made him,
    well, arrogant.
    Yes, yes.
    A flaw more and more
    common among Jedi.
    Hmm.
    Too sure of themselves
    they are.
    Even the older,
    more experienced ones.
    Remember, Obi-Wan,
    if the prophecy is true…
    your apprentice is the only one who
    can bring the Force back into balance.
    [ Padm ] I’m taking
    an extended leave of absence.
    It will be your responsibility
    to take my place in the senate.
    – Representative Binks,
    I know I can count on you.
    – Hmm?
    Mesa honored to be taking on
    dissa heavy burden.
    Mesa accept this with muy, muy humility
    and, uh–
    JarJar, I don’t wish
    to hold you up.
    I’m sure you have
    a great deal to do.
    Of course.
    Milady.
    I do not like
    this idea of hiding.
    Don’t worry.
    Now that the council
    has ordered an investigation…
    it won’t take Master Obi-Wan long
    to find this bounty hunter.
    I haven’t worked for a year to defeat
    the Military Creation Act…
    to not be here when
    its fate is decided.
    Sometimes we must let go of our pride
    and do what is requested of us.
    Anakin,
    you’ve grown up.
    Master Obi-Wan
    manages not to see it.
    Don’t get me wrong.
    Obi-Wan is a great mentor.
    As wise as Master Yoda and…
    as powerful as Master Windu.
    I am truly thankful
    to be his apprentice.
    In some ways–
    a lot of ways–
    I’m really ahead of him.
    I’m ready for the trials…
    but he feels that
    I’m too unpredictable.
    He won’t let me move on.
    – That must be frustrating.
    – It’s worse.
    He’s overly critical.
    He never listens.
    He– He doesn’t understand.
    It’s not fair!
    All mentors have a way of seeing
    more of our faults than we would like.
    It’s the only way we grow.
    [ Sighs ]
    I know.
    Anakin.
    Don’t try to grow up too fast.
    But I am grown up.
    You said it yourself.
    Please don’t look
    at me like that.
    – Why not?
    – It makes me feel uncomfortable.
    Sorry, milady.
    – Be safe, milady.
    – Thank you, Captain.
    Take good care of Dorm.
    The threat’s on you two now.
    He’ll be safe with me.
    – You’ll be fine.
    – It’s not me, milady.
    I worry about you. What if they
    realize you’ve left the capital?
    Well, then myJedi protector
    will have to prove how good he is.
    Anakin.
    Don’t do anything without first
    consulting either myself or the council.
    Yes, Master.
    I’ll get to the bottom
    of this plot quickly, milady.
    You’ll be back here
    in no time.
    I’ll be most grateful for
    your speed, MasterJedi.
    – It’s time to go.
    – I know.
    Anakin, may the Force
    be with you.
    May the Force
    be with you, Master.
    Suddenly I’m afraid.
    This is my first assignment
    on my own. I am too.
    Don’t worry.
    We have R2 with us.
    – [ Laughing ]
    – [ Beeping ]
    I do hope he doesn’t
    try anything foolish.
    I’d be more concerned
    about her doing something than him.
    Someone to see ya, honey!
    Jedi, by the looks of him.
    – Obi-Wan!
    – Hello, Dex.
    Take a seat.
    I’ll be right with ya.
    – You wanna cup o’jawa juice?
    – Oh, yes. Thank you.
    Hey, old buddy!
    [ Both Laughing ]
    Ohhh.
    [ Coughs ]
    So, my friend,
    what can I do for ya?
    You can tell me
    what this is.
    Well, whattaya know!
    I ain’t seen one of these
    since I was prospectin’…
    on Subterrel,
    beyond the outer rim.
    [ Obi-Wan ] Can you tell me
    where it came from? Thank you.
    [ Dex ] This baby
    belongs to them cloners.
    What you got here
    is a Kamino saberdart.
    I wonder why it didn’t show up
    in the analysis archives.
    It’s these funny little cuts
    on the side that give it away.
    Those analysis droids
    only focus on symbols. Huh!
    I should think that you Jedi
    would have more respect…
    for the difference
    between knowledge and…
    [ Laughing ]
    wisdom.
    Well, if droids could think,
    there’d be none of us here, would there?
    Kamino. I’m not familiar with it.
    Is it in the Republic?
    No, no. It’s beyond
    the outer rim.
    I’d say about,
    uh, 1 2 parsecs…
    outside the Rishi Maze.
    Should be easy to find,
    even for those droids in your archives.
    [ Chuckles ]
    These, uh, Kaminoans
    keep to themselves.
    They’re cloners.
    Damn good ones too.
    – Cloners. Are they friendly?
    – Oh, depends.
    Depends on what, Dex?
    On how good
    your manners are…
    and how big your, uh…
    pocketbook is.
    [ Chuckling ]
    Hmm.
    Did you call
    for assistance?
    – Yes, yes, I did.
    – Are you having
    a problem, Master Kenobi?
    Yes, um, I’m looking for
    a planetary system called Kamino.
    – Kamino.
    – It doesn’t show up
    on the archive charts.
    Kamino. It’s not a system
    I’m familiar with.
    Are you sure you have
    the right coordinates?
    According to my information, it should
    appear in this quadrant here…
    just south
    of the Rishi Maze.
    [ Beeping ]
    I hate to say it, but it looks like
    the system you’re searching for…
    doesn’t exist.
    Impossible. Perhaps the archives
    are incomplete.
    If an item does not appear
    in our records…
    it does not exist.
    – Hey, you! No droids!
    – [ Beeping ]
    – Get outta here!
    – [ Raspberries ]
    – [ Beeping ]
    – Thank you, R2.
    – [ Chirping ]
    – Must be difficult, having
    sworn your life to theJedi…
    not being able to visit the places
    you like or do the things you like.
    Or be with the people
    that I love.
    Are you allowed to love?
    I thought that was
    forbidden for a Jedi.
    Attachment is forbidden.
    Possession is forbidden.
    Compassion, which I would define
    as unconditional love…
    is central
    to a Jedi’s life.
    So you might say that
    we are encouraged to love.
    – You’ve changed so much.
    – Ah, you haven’t changed a bit.
    You’re exactly the way
    I remember you in my dreams.
    [ Yoda ] Reach out.
    Sense the Force around you.
    Use your feelings
    you must.
    Younglings.
    Younglings!
    A visitor
    we have.
    [ Together]
    Hello, Master Obi-Wan.
    Hello. I’m sorry
    to disturb you, Master.
    What help can I be,
    Obi-Wan? Hmm?
    I’m looking for a planet
    described to me by an old friend.
    I trust him, but the systems
    don’t show on the archive maps.
    Mmm. Lost a planet
    Master Obi-Wan has.
    – How embarrassing.
    -[ Children Giggling ]
    How embarrassing.
    Hmm?
    Liam, the shades.
    Gather round
    the map reader.
    Clear your minds…
    and find Obi-Wan’s
    wayward planet we will.
    It ought to be… here…
    but it isn’t.
    Gravity is pulling all the stars
    in the area towards this spot.
    Hmm. Gravity’s
    silhouette remains…
    but the star
    and all the planets…
    disappeared they have.
    How can this be?
    Hmm? A thought?
    -[ Yoda ] Anyone.
    -[ Boy ] Master?
    Because someone erased it
    from the archive memory.
    [ Yoda Chuckles ]
    Truly wonderful
    the mind of a child is.
    [ Chuckling ]
    The Padawan is right.
    Go to the center
    of gravity’s pull…
    and find your planet
    you will.
    Hmm. The data
    must have been erased.
    But, Master Yoda, who could
    empty information from the archives?
    That’s impossible, isn’t it?
    Dangerous and disturbing
    this puzzle is.
    Only a Jedi
    could have erased those files.
    But who and why,
    harder to answer.
    Meditate on this I will. Hmm.
    I wasn’t the youngest queen
    ever elected…
    but now that I think back on it,
    I’m not sure I was old enough.
    I’m not sure
    I was ready.
    The people you served
    thought you did a good job.
    I heard they even tried
    to amend the constitution
    so you could stay in office.
    I was relieved when
    my two terms were up.
    But when the queen asked me
    to serve as senator…
    I couldn’t refuse her.
    I agree with her.
    I think the Republic needs you.
    I’m glad that you
    chose to serve.
    [ Padm ] If the senate
    votes to create an army…
    – I’m sure it’s going
    to push us into a civil war.
    – [ Man ] It’s unthinkable.
    There hasn’t been a full-scale war
    since the formation of the Republic.
    Do you see any way
    through negotiations…
    to bring the separatists
    back into the Republic?
    Not if they feel threatened.
    My guess is they’ll turn
    to the Trade Federations
    or the Commerce Guilds for help.
    It’s outrageous, but after four trials
    in the Supreme Court…
    Nute Gunray is still the viceroy
    of the Trade Federation.
    I fear the senate is powerless
    to resolve this crisis.
    We must keep our faith
    in the Republic.
    The day we stop believing democracy
    can work is the day we lose it.
    Let’s pray that day
    never comes.
    In the meantime,
    we must consider your own safety.
    What is your suggestion,
    MasterJedi?
    Oh, Anakin’s
    not a Jedi yet.
    He’s still a Padawan learner.
    But I was thinking–
    – Hold on a minute.
    – Excuse me.
    I was thinking I would stay
    in the lake country.
    There are some places up there
    that are very isolated.
    Excuse me. I’m in charge
    of security here, milady.
    And this is my home. I know it
    very well. That is why we’re here.
    I think it would be wise
    if you took advantage of
    my knowledge in this instance.
    Sorry, milady.
    [ Queen Jamillia ]
    Perfect. It’s settled, then.
    There it is, R4, right where it
    should be. Our missing planet Kamino.
    [ Whistling, Beeping ]
    [ Thunder Rumbling ]
    MasterJedi.
    The prime minister
    is expecting you.
    – I’m expected?
    – Of course.
    He is anxious
    to meet you.
    After all these years…
    we were beginning to think
    you weren’t coming.
    Now, please, this way.
    May I present Lama Su…
    prime minister of Kamino.
    And this is MasterJedi–
    Obi-Wan Kenobi.
    I trust you’re going
    to enjoy your stay.
    Please.
    And now to business.
    You will be delighted
    to hear that we are on schedule.
    are ready…
    with a million more
    well on the way.
    That’s good news.
    Please tell
    your Master Sifo-Dyas…
    that his order
    will be met on time.
    I’m sorry. Master–
    Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas is still
    a leading member of theJedi Council…
    is he not?
    Master Sifo-Dyas was killed
    almost ten years ago.
    Oh, I’m so sorry
    to hear that.
    But I’m sure he would have been proud
    of the army we’ve built for him.
    – The army?
    – Yes.
    A clone army, and I must say,
    one of the finest we’ve ever created.
    Tell me, Prime Minister…
    when my master
    first contacted you about the army…
    did– did he say
    who it was for?
    Of course he did.
    This army
    is for the Republic.
    But you must be anxious
    to inspect the units for yourself.
    That’s why I’m here.
    We used to come here
    for school retreat.
    We would swim
    to that island every day.
    I love the water.
    We used to lie out on the sand
    and let the sun dry us…
    and try to guess the names
    of the birds singing.
    I don’t like sand.
    It’s coarse and rough
    and irritating…
    and it gets everywhere.
    Not like here.
    Here, everything is soft…
    and smooth.
    No.
    [ Gasps ]
    I shouldn’t have done that.
    I’m sorry.
    – Very impressive.
    – I’d hoped you would be pleased.
    [ Lama Su ]
    Clones can think creatively.
    You will find that they are
    immensely superior to droids.
    We take great pride in our combat
    education and training programs.
    This group was created
    about five years ago.
    [ Obi-Wan ] You mentioned
    growth acceleration.
    [ Lama Su ]
    Oh,yes, it’s essential.
    Otherwise, a mature clone
    would take a lifetime to grow.
    Now we can do it
    in half the time.
    [ Obi-Wan ]
    I see.
    [ Lama Su ]
    They are totally obedient…
    taking any order
    without question.
    We modified
    their genetic structure…
    to make them less independent
    than the original host.
    And who was
    the original host?
    A bounty hunter
    called Jango Fett.
    And where is
    this bounty hunter now?
    Oh, we keep him here.
    [ Lama Su ] Apart from his pay,
    which is considerable…
    Fett demanded
    only one thing:
    an unaltered clone
    for himself.
    – Curious, isn’t it?
    – ”Unaltered”?
    [ Lama Su ]
    Pure genetic replication.
    No tampering with the structure
    to make it more docile…
    and no growth acceleration.
    I should very much like
    to meet this Jango Fett.
    I would be very happy
    to arrange it for you.
    Magnificent, aren’t they?
    – I don’t know.
    – [ Chuckles ]
    Sure you do.
    You just don’t want to tell me.
    You gonna use one of
    yourJedi mind tricks on me?
    They only work
    on the weak-minded.
    All right.
    I was 1 2.
    His name was Palo. We were both
    in the Legislative Youth Program.
    He was a few years older than I.
    Very cute.
    Dark, curly hair.
    Dreamy eyes.
    All right, I get the picture.
    Whatever happened to him?
    I went into public service;
    he went on to become an artist.
    – Maybe he was the smart one.
    – You really don’t like politicians,
    do you?
    I like two or three…
    but I’m not really sure
    about one of them.
    [ Both Chuckle ]
    I don’t think
    the system works.
    How would you
    have it work?
    We need a system where the politicians
    sit down and discuss the problem…
    agree what’s in the best interest
    of all the people, and then do it.
    That’s exactly
    what we do.
    The trouble is that people
    don’t always agree.
    Well, then they
    should be made to.
    – By whom? Who’s gonna make them? You?
    – I don’t know. Someone.
    – Of course not me.
    – But someone.
    Someone wise.
    Sounds an awful lot like
    a dictatorship to me.
    Well, if it works.
    – You’re making fun of me.
    – No.
    I’d be much too frightened
    to tease a senator.
    [ Creature Bellowing ]
    [ Anakin ]
    Whoa, whoa!
    [ Laughing ]
    – [ Bellowing ]
    – Oh, whoa! [ Grunting ]
    – [ Lowing ]
    – [ Grunts, Groans ]
    Ani! Ani, are you all right?
    [ Laughing ]
    [ Both Laughing ]
    [ Beeping ]
    Boba, is your father here?
    Boba, is your father here?
    Yep.
    May we see him?
    Sure.
    Dad, Taun We’s here.
    [ Thunder Rumbling ]
    Jango, welcome back.
    Was your trip productive?
    Fairly.
    This is Jedi Master
    Obi-Wan Kenobi.
    He’s come to check
    on our progress.
    Your clones are very impressive.
    You must be very proud.
    I’m just a simple man
    trying to make my way in the universe.
    Ever made your way as far into
    the interior as Coruscant?
    – Once or twice.
    – Recently?
    Possibly.
    Then you must know
    Master Sifo-Dyas.
    Uh, Boba,
    rood eht so-heeck.
    Master who?
    [ Obi-Wan ]
    Sifo-Dyas.
    Is he not theJedi
    who hired you for this job?
    Never heard of him.
    Really?
    I was recruited by a man called Tyranus
    on one of the moons of Bogden.
    Curious.
    Do you like your army?
    I look forward
    to seeing them in action.
    They’ll do their job well.
    I’ll guarantee that.
    Thank you for
    your time,Jango.
    Always a pleasure
    to meet a Jedi.
    [ Thunder Rumbling ]
    What is it, Dad?
    Pack your things.
    We’re leaving.
    And when I got to them, we went into
    aggressive negotiations. Thank you.
    ”Aggressive negotiations”?
    What’s that?
    Uh, well, negotiations
    with a lightsaber.
    – [ Laughing ] Oh.
    – [ Laughing ]
    If Master Obi-Wan caught me
    doing this, he’d be very grumpy.
    From the moment
    I met you…
    all those years ago…
    not a day has gone by
    when I haven’t thought of you.
    And now that
    I’m with you again…
    I’m in agony.
    The closer I get to you,
    the worse it gets.
    The thought of
    not being with you–
    I can’t breathe.
    I’m haunted by the kiss
    that you should never have given me.
    My heart is beating…
    hoping that that kiss
    will not become a scar.
    You are in my very soul…
    tormenting me.
    What can I do?
    I will do anything that you ask.
    If you are suffering
    as much as I am, please, tell me.
    I can’t.
    We can’t.
    It’s…just not possible.
    Anything is possible, Padm.
    Listen to me.
    No, you listen.
    We live in a real world.
    Come back to it.
    You’re studying to become a Jedi.
    I’m– I’m a senator.
    If you follow your thoughts
    through to conclusion…
    it’ll take us to a place
    we cannot go…
    regardless of the way
    we feel about each other.
    Then you do feel something.
    I will not let you
    give up your future for me.
    You are asking me
    to be rational.
    That is something
    I know I cannot do.
    Believe me, I wish that I could
    just wish away my feelings…
    but I can’t.
    I will not give in to this.
    Well, you know, it…
    wouldn’t have to
    be that way.
    We could keep it a secret.
    We’d be living a lie…
    one we couldn’t keep
    even if we wanted to.
    I couldn’t do that.
    Could you, Anakin?
    Could you live like that?
    No. You’re right.
    It would destroy us.
    Tell your council that
    the first battalions are ready.
    And remind them,
    if they need more troops…
    it will take more time
    to grow them.
    – I won’t forget, and thank you.
    – Thank you.
    – R4!
    – [ Beeping ]
    Scramble code five to Coruscant,
    care of the old folks’ home!
    [ Beeping ]
    I have successfully made contact
    with the prime minister of Kamino.
    They are using a bounty hunter named
    Jango Fett to create a clone army.
    I have a strong feeling
    that this bounty hunter…
    is the assassin
    we are looking for.
    Do you think these cloners
    are involved in the plot
    to assassinate Senator Amidala?
    No, Master.
    There appears to be no motive.
    [ Yoda ] Do not assume
    anything, Obi-Wan.
    Clear your mind must be…
    if you are to discover
    the real villains behind this plot.
    Yes, Master.
    They say Master Sifo-Dyas
    placed an order for a clone army…
    at the request of the senate
    almost ten years ago.
    I was under the impression
    he was killed before that.
    Did the council ever authorize
    the creation of a clone army?
    No. Whoever placed that order
    did not have the authorization
    of theJedi Council.
    Bring him here.
    Question him we will.
    Yes, Master.
    I will report back when I have him.
    Blind we are if creation
    of this clone army…
    we could not see.
    [ Sighs ]
    I think it is time
    we informed the senate…
    that our ability to use
    the Force has diminished.
    Only the dark lord of the Sith
    knows of our weakness.
    If informed the senate is…
    multiply our adversaries will.
    No.
    No.
    Mom, no.
    Don’t. No.
    No.
    Don’t go.
    I don’t want to disturb you.
    Your presence is soothing.
    You had another nightmare
    last night.
    Jedi don’t have nightmares.
    I heard you.
    I saw my mother.
    She is suffering, Padm.
    I saw her as clearly
    as I see you now.
    [ Deep Sigh ]
    She is in pain.
    I know I’m disobeying my mandate
    to protect you, Senator…
    but I have to go.
    I have to help her.
    I’ll go with you.
    I’m sorry.
    I don’t have a choice.
    [ Thunder Rumbling ]
    Dad, look!
    Boba, get on board!
    – [Jango Shouts ]
    – Oh, not good. [ Grunts ]
    [ Driver Speaking Huttese ]
    – Wait right there.
    – Okey-okey.
    Da wanga!
    Chut-chut, Watto.
    [ Speaking Huttese ]
    Let me help you with that.
    What? What do you want?
    Wait! You’re a Jedi!
    [ Grunts ]
    Whatever it is, I didn’t do it.
    Ai!
    [ Grunts, Sighs ]
    I’m looking for Shmi Skywalker.
    – [ Fly Buzzing ]
    – Ani?
    Little Ani?
    Nahhh.
    You are Ani! It is you!
    [ Laughing ]
    You sure sprouted, huh?
    Wee-hoo!
    AJedi! Whattaya know!
    [ Chuckles ]
    Hey… maybe you could
    help with some deadbeats
    who owe me a lot of money.
    My mother.
    Oh, yeah. Shmi.
    Uh… she’s not mine-a
    no more-a. I sold her.
    – You sold her?
    – Years ago.
    Sorry, Ani, but you know,
    business is business, huh?
    [ Chuckles ]
    Yeah, I sold her to
    a moisture farmer named, uh, Lars.
    At least I think
    it was Lars.
    Believe it or not, I heard
    he freed her and married her!
    Can ya beat that, eh?
    [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
    Do you know
    where they are now?
    Ooh, long way
    from here.
    Someplace over on the other side
    of Mos Eisley, I think, mmm.
    I’d like to know.
    Eh, sure. Absolutely!
    [ Chuckles ] Let’s go
    look at my records, huh?
    [ Chuckles ]
    Mmm.
    – [ Beeping ]
    – Dad!
    I think we’re being tracked!
    [Jango ] He must have put
    a homing device on our hull.
    Hang on, son.
    We’ll move into the asteroid field…
    and we’ll have a couple
    of surprises for him.
    [ Cackling ]
    [ Beeping ]
    Seismic charges!
    Stand by.
    [ Beeping ]
    He doesn’t seem
    to take a hint, this guy.
    Watch out!
    – [ Rapid Beeping ]
    – Get him, Dad! Get him! Fire!
    Oh, blast!
    This is why I hate flying!
    – We got him!
    – We’ll just have to finish him.
    – R4, prepare to jettison
    the spare part canisters.
    – [ Beeping ]
    – Fire them now!
    – [ Beeping ]
    – Well, we won’t be seeing him again.
    – [ Chuckles ]
    – Well, R4, I think
    we’ve waited long enough.
    – [ Beeping ]
    There’s an unusual concentration
    of Federation ships over there, R4.
    [ R4 Beeps ]
    [ Beeping ]
    – [ R2-D2 Whistles, Beeps ]
    – [ Padm ] Stay with the ship, R2.
    [ Beeping ]
    Oh! Um, uh, hello.
    How might I be of service?
    I am C–
    – 3PO?
    – Oh, um–
    The maker!
    Oh, Master Ani!
    I knew you would return.
    I knew it!
    And Miss Padm. Oh, my.
    Hello, 3PO.
    Bless my circuits!
    I’m so pleased to see you both.
    I’ve come to see my mother.
    Oh. Um, I think perhaps
    we’d better go indoors.
    Master Owen, might I present
    two most important visitors.
    I’m Anakin Skywalker.
    Owen Lars. Uh, this is
    my girlfriend, Beru.
    – Hello.
    – I’m Padm.
    I guess
    I’m your stepbrother.
    I had a feeling
    you might show up someday.
    – Is my mother here?
    – No, she’s not.
    Cliegg Lars.
    Shmi is my wife.
    We should go inside.
    We have a lot to talk about.
    [ Cliegg ] It was just before dawn.
    They came out of nowhere.
    A hunting party
    of Tusken Raiders.
    Your mother had gone out early,
    like she always did…
    to pick mushrooms
    that grow on the vaporators.
    From the tracks,
    she was about halfway home…
    when they took her.
    [ Sighs ]
    Those Tuskens walk like men…
    but they’re vicious,
    mindless monsters.
    Thirty of us went out after her.
    Four of us came back.
    I’d be out there with them,
    but after I lost my leg…
    I just couldn’t ride anymore
    un-until I heal.
    I don’t want
    to give up on her…
    but she’s been gone a month.
    There’s little hope
    she’s lasted this long.
    Where are you going?
    To find my mother.
    Your mother’s dead, son.
    Accept it.
    You’re gonna have to stay here.
    These are good people, Padm.
    You’ll be safe.
    Anakin–
    I won’t be long.
    [ Machinery Clanging ]
    [ Man #1 ] We must persuade
    the Commerce Guild…
    and the Corporate Alliance
    to sign the treaty.
    What about the senator
    from Naboo?
    Is she dead yet?
    I am not signing your treaty
    until I have her head on my desk.
    [ Man #1 ]
    I am a man of my word, Viceroy.
    [ Alien ] With these new battle droids
    we’ve built for you…
    you’ll have the finest army
    in the galaxy.
    [ Man #1 ]
    As I explained to you earlier…
    I am quite convinced
    that 1 0,000 more systems…
    will rally to our cause
    with your support, gentlemen.
    [ Speaking In Alien Language ]
    What you are proposing
    could be construed as treason.
    The Techno Union army…
    [ Electronic Warbling ]
    is at your disposal, Count.
    The Banking Clan
    will sign your treaty.
    [ Man #1 ]
    Good. Very good.
    Our friends from the Trade Federation
    have pledged their support…
    and when their battle droids
    are combined with yours…
    we shall have an army
    greater than any in the galaxy.
    TheJedi
    will be overwhelmed.
    The Republic will agree
    to any demands we make.
    [ Growling ]
    [ Snarling ]
    [ Growling, Snarling
    Continue ]
    [ Growling ]
    [ Moaning ]
    Mom.
    Mom? Mom?
    Ani?
    Ani? Is it you?
    I’m here, Mom.
    You’re safe.
    Ani?
    Ani?
    Oh, you look
    so handsome.
    My son.
    Oh, my grown-up son.
    I’m so proud of you, Ani.
    I missed you.
    Now I am complete.
    I love y–
    Stay with me, Mom.
    Everything–
    I love–
    I– I love–
    [ Groaning ]
    [ Shouting ]
    [ Screaming ]
    [ Qui-GonJinn’s Voice ]
    Anakin! Anakin! No-o-o!
    What is it?
    Pain, suffering…
    death I feel.
    Something terrible
    has happened.
    Young Skywalker is in pain.
    Terrible pain.
    The transmitter is working,
    but we’re not receiving a return signal.
    Coruscant’s too far.
    R4, can you boost the power?
    – [ Beeping ]
    – We’ll have to try something else.
    [ Beeping ]
    Maybe we can contact Anakin
    on Naboo. It’s much closer.
    Anakin?
    Anakin, do you copy?
    This is Obi-Wan Kenobi.
    Anakin?
    He’s not on Naboo, R4.
    [ Beeping ]
    I’m going to try
    and widen the range.
    I do hope nothing’s
    happened to him.
    That’s Anakin’s tracking signal,
    all right…
    but it’s coming
    from Tatooine.
    What in the blazes
    is he doing there?
    I told him to stay on Naboo.
    [ Beeping ]
    We haven’t got
    much time.
    Anakin?
    Anakin, do you copy?
    – This is Obi-Wan Kenobi.
    – [ Creature Screeching ]
    [ Static,
    Obi-Wan’s Voice Breaks Up ]
    Retransmit this message–
    [ Garbled Audio ]
    Anakin, do you copy?
    Anakin–
    My long-range– [ Static ]
    has been knocked out.
    – Retransmit this message to Coruscant.
    – [ Beeping ]
    I brought you something.
    Are you hungry?
    The shifter broke.
    Life seems so much simpler
    when you’re fixing things.
    I’m good at fixing things.
    Always was.
    But I couldn’t–
    Why’d she have to die?
    Why couldn’t I save her?
    I know I could have!
    Sometimes there are things
    no one can fix.
    – You’re not all-powerful, Ani.
    – Well, I should be!
    Someday I will be.
    I will be
    the most powerfulJedi ever!
    I promise you.
    I will even learn
    to stop people from dying.
    Anakin.
    It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!
    He’s jealous!
    He’s holding me back!
    He’s jealous!
    He’s holding me back!
    – [ Object Clattering ]
    – [ Sniffling ]
    What’s wrong, Ani?
    I–
    I killed them.
    I killed them all.
    They’re dead.
    Every single one of them.
    And not just the men…
    but the women…
    and the children too.
    They’re like animals,
    and I slaughtered them like animals!
    I hate them!
    [ Anakin Exhales ]
    To be angry
    is to be human.
    I’m a Jedi.
    I know I’m better than this.
    [ Cliegg ] I know wherever you are
    it’s become a better place.
    You were the most loving partner
    a man could ever have.
    Good-bye, my darling wife.
    And thank you.
    I wasn’t strong enough
    to save you, Mom.
    I wasn’t strong enough.
    But I promise
    I won’t fail again.
    I miss you…
    so much.
    [ Beeping ]
    R2? What are you
    doing here?
    [ Beeping ]
    It seems that he is carrying a message
    from an Obi-Wan Kenobi.
    Hmm. Master Ani, does that name
    mean anything to you?
    [ Beeping ]
    Anakin, my long-range transmitter
    has been knocked out.
    Retransmit this message
    to Coruscant.
    I have tracked the bounty hunter,
    Jango Fett…
    to the droid foundries
    on Geonosis.
    The Trade Federation is to take
    delivery of a droid army here…
    and it is clear
    that Viceroy Gunray…
    is behind the assassination attempts
    on Senator Amidala.
    The Commerce Guilds
    and the Corporate Alliance…
    have both pledged their armies
    to Count Dooku and are forming a–
    Wait. Wait.
    – [ Lightsaber Whooshing ]
    – [ Obi-Wan Grunting ]
    More happening on Geonosis, I feel,
    than has been revealed.
    I agree.
    Anakin, we will deal
    with Count Dooku.
    The most important thing for you
    is to stay where you are.
    Protect the senator
    at all costs.
    That is your first priority.
    Understood, Master.
    They’ll never get there
    in time to save him.
    They have to come halfway
    across the galaxy. Look.
    Geonosis is
    less than a parsec away.
    If he’s still alive.
    Ani, are you just gonna sit here
    and let him die?
    – He’s your friend, your mentor. He’s–
    – He’s like my father!
    But you heard Master Windu.
    He gave me strict orders to stay here!
    He gave you strict orders
    to protect me…
    and I’m going to help Obi-Wan.
    – If you plan to protect me,
    you’ll just have to come along.
    – [ Engines Power Up ]
    I’m not worried, R2.
    It’s just I’ve never flown before.
    The Commerce Guilds are preparing
    for war. There can be no doubt of that.
    [ Palpatine ] Count Dooku
    must have made a treaty with them.
    [ Speaking In Alien Language ]
    The debate is over.
    Now we need that clone army.
    Unfortunately,
    the debate is not over.
    The senate will never approve the use
    of clones before the separatists attack.
    This is a crisis.
    The senate must vote the chancellor
    emergency powers.
    He can then approve
    the creation of an army.
    But what senator would have the courage
    to propose such a radical amendment?
    If only…
    Senator Amidala were here.
    Mm.
    [ Screeching ]
    [ Grumbling ]
    Traitor.
    Oh, no, my friend.
    This is a mistake, a terrible mistake.
    They have gone too far.
    This is madness.
    I thought you were
    the leader here, Dooku.
    This had nothing to do with me,
    I assure you.
    I will petition immediately
    to have you set free.
    Well, I hope it doesn’t take
    too long. I have work to do.
    May I ask why a Jedi knight…
    is all the way out here
    on Geonosis?
    I’ve been tracking a bounty hunter
    named Jango Fett.
    Do you know him?
    There are no bounty hunters here
    that I am aware of.
    The Geonosians
    don’t trust them.
    Who can blame them?
    But he is here, I can assure you.
    It’s a great pity that our paths
    have never crossed before, Obi-Wan.
    Qui-Gon always spoke
    very highly of you.
    I wish he were still alive.
    I could use his help right now.
    Qui-Gon Jinn
    would never join you.
    Don’t be so sure,
    my young Jedi.
    You forget that he was once
    my apprentice…
    just as you
    were once his.
    He knew all about
    the corruption in the senate…
    but he would never have
    gone along with it if he had
    learned the truth as I have.
    – The truth?
    – The truth.
    What if I told you
    that the Republic…
    was now under the control
    of the dark lord of the Sith?
    No, that’s not possible.
    TheJedi would be aware of it.
    The dark side of the Force
    has clouded their vision, my friend.
    Hundreds of senators
    are now under the influence…
    of a Sith lord
    called Darth Sidious.
    I don’t believe you.
    The viceroy
    of the Trade Federation…
    was once in league
    with this Darth Sidious…
    but he was betrayed
    ten years ago by the dark lord.
    He came to me for help.
    He told me everything.
    You must join me, Obi-Wan…
    and together
    we will destroy the Sith!
    I will never join you, Dooku.
    It may be difficult
    to secure your release.
    [JarJar ] It’s-a clear
    desa separatists made a pact…
    wesa desa
    Federation du Trade.
    Senators, ”dellow felagates”.:
    In response to this direct threat
    to the Republic…
    mesa propose
    that the senate…
    give immediately
    emergency powers…
    to the supreme chancellor.
    [ Shouts Of Approval ]
    Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine!
    [ Shouting In Alien Language ]
    [ Senate Chairman ]
    Order! We shall have order!
    It is with great reluctance…
    that I have agreed
    to this calling.
    – I love democracy.
    I love the Republic.
    – [ Applause ]
    The power you give me…
    I will lay down
    when this crisis has abated.
    [ Cheering, Applause ]
    And as my first act
    with this new authority…
    I will create a grand army
    of the Republic…
    to counter the increasing threats
    of the separatists.
    It is done, then.
    Hmm.
    I will take whatJedi we have left
    and go to Geonosis and help Obi-Wan.
    Visit I will
    the cloners on Kamino, hmm…
    and see this army they have
    created for the Republic.
    See those columns of steam
    straight ahead?
    They’re exhaust vents
    of some type.
    That’ll do.
    Look, whatever happens
    out there, follow my lead.
    I’m not interested
    in getting into a war here.
    As a member
    of the senate…
    maybe I can find
    a diplomatic solution to this mess.
    Don’t worry. I’ve given up
    trying to argue with you.
    [ Whistling, Beeping ]
    My obtuse little friend,
    if they had needed our help…
    they would have
    asked for it, hmm?
    You obviously have a great deal
    to learn about human behavior.
    [ Beeping ]
    – [ Beeping ]
    – For a mechanic…
    you seem to do
    an excessive amount of thinking.
    – [ Beeping ]
    – I am programmed
    to understand humans!
    [ Beeping ]
    ”What does that mean?” Oh!
    – That means I am in charge here!
    – [ Raspberries ]
    Where are you going now?
    You don’t know what’s out there.
    Have you no sense at all?
    Oh! Idiot!
    – Please wait.
    – [ Beeping ]
    Do you know
    where you’re going?
    Wait.
    [ Squawking ]
    Oh, my–
    Oh, oh, oh!
    – [ Screaming ]
    – Padm!
    Ah!
    [ Grunts ]
    Oh, my goodness!
    Shut me down!
    Machines making machines.
    Huh! How perverse.
    [ Grunts ] Oh!
    Calm down, R2.
    I almost fell.
    You’ll get your chance–
    Oh! I’m scrap.
    [ Grunting ]
    It’s a nightmare!
    Oh, I want to go home! Ahh!
    Oh, what did I do
    to deserve this?
    [ Beeping ]
    [ Whistling ]
    – [ Padm Grunting ]
    – [ Geonosian Screeching ]
    Ahhh!
    – [ Whistling ]
    – Hmm. I wonder what happened
    to poor little R2.
    He’s always getting himself
    into trouble. Oops.
    Oh, no!
    Uh-oh.
    Oh!
    Oh, I’m so confused.
    Oh, not again.
    Obi-Wan’s gonna kill me.
    Don’t move,Jedi!
    Take him away.
    Don’t be afraid.
    I’m not afraid to die.
    I’ve been dying a little bit each day
    since you came back into my life.
    What are you talking about?
    I love you.
    You love me?
    I thought that we had decided
    not to fall in love…
    that we would be forced
    to live a lie…
    and that it would
    destroy our lives.
    I think our lives are about
    to be destroyed anyway.
    I truly…
    deeply love you…
    and before we die,
    I want you to know.
    Eeyah!
    [ Loud Cheering ]
    [ Cheering ]
    I was beginning to wonder
    if you’d got my message.
    I retransmitted it just as
    you had requested, Master.
    Then we decided
    to come and rescue you.
    Good job.
    [ Cheering ]
    [ Speaking In Geonosian ]
    Settle down. Settle down.
    [ Cheering Subsides ]
    [ Speaking In Geonosian ]
    Let the executions begin.
    [ Cheering ]
    [ Roaring ]
    [ Screeching ]
    [ Roaring ]
    [ Roaring ]
    I’ve got a bad feeling
    about this.
    – [ Shouting ]
    – [ Bellowing ]
    [ Creatures Roaring ]
    [ Crowd Cheering ]
    [ Snarling ]
    -Just relax. Concentrate.
    – What about Padm?
    She seems to be
    on top of things.
    [ Roaring ]
    [ Bellowing ]
    [ Roaring ]
    – [ Screaming ]
    – [ Snarling ]
    [ Chuckling ]
    [ Yelling ]
    [ Creature Yelps ]
    She can’t do that!
    Shoot her or– or something!
    [ Whimpering, Snarling ]
    – [ Shrieking ]
    – [ Roaring ]
    [ Hissing, Growling ]
    [ Screaming ]
    [ Subdued Growling ]
    – Whoa! Yah!
    – [ Growling, Roaring ]
    Hyah! Hyah!
    [ Cheering ]
    – [ Snarling ]
    – [ Bellowing ]
    Jump!
    Hyah! Hyah!
    [ Shrieking ]
    – [ Cheering ]
    – [ Shouting ]
    This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!
    Jango! Finish her off!.
    Patience, Viceroy, patience.
    She will die.
    Master Windu,
    how pleasant of you to join us.
    This party’s over.
    Brave but, uh, foolish,
    my old Jedi friend.
    – You’re impossibly outnumbered.
    – [ Scoffs ] I don’t think so.
    – We’ll see.
    – [ Heavy Footsteps Approaching ]
    [ Synthesized Voice ]
    My legs aren’t moving.
    I must need maintenance.
    [ C-3PO ]
    What’s all this noise?
    A-A battle!
    Oh, there’s been
    some terrible mistake!
    I’m programmed for etiquette,
    not destruction!
    – [ Roaring ]
    – [ Obi-Wan Grunts ]
    [ Roaring ]
    [ Groaning, Yelling ]
    [ Yowling ]
    Die,Jedi dogs!
    Oh! What did I say?
    Hah!
    Oh, dear.
    I’m terribly sorry about all this.
    Ohh!
    Excuse me. I’m trapped.
    I can’t get up.
    You call this
    a diplomatic solution?
    No, I call it
    aggressive negotiations.
    – Uh-oh.
    – Roger, roger.
    [ Growling, Screeching ]
    [ Creature Shrieking ]
    – [ Beeping ]
    – R2, what are you doing here?
    [ Beeping ]
    What are you doing?
    Oh, stop that!
    You’re going to strain
    something. My neck!
    – Now where are you taking me?
    Oh, this is such a drag.
    – [ Beeping ]
    [ C-3PO ]
    Oh, I’m quite beside myself.
    R2, please be careful!
    You’re singeing my circuits!
    – [ Beeping ]
    – Yes, but is my head on straight?
    [ Dooku ] Master Windu,
    you have fought gallantly…
    worthy of recognition
    in the archives of theJedi order.
    Now it is finished.
    Surrender,
    and your lives will be spared.
    We will not be hostages
    to be bartered, Dooku!
    Then, I’m sorry, old friend.
    Look!
    Look!
    Around the survivors
    a perimeter create.
    [ Beeping, Chirping ]
    Oh, I’ve had
    the most peculiar dream.
    If Dooku escapes…
    rally more systems
    to his cause he will.
    Hold on!
    Aim right above
    the fuel cells!
    Good call,
    my young Padawan.
    [ Viceroy Gunray ]
    TheJedi have amassed a huge army.
    That doesn’t seem possible.
    How could theJedi
    come up with an army so quickly?
    We must send all available droids
    into battle.
    There are too many.
    [ Speaking In Geonosian ]
    Our communications have been jammed.
    – Pilot, land in that assembly area!
    – Yes, sir.
    Sir, I have five special commando units
    awaiting your orders, sir.
    To the forward
    command center take me.
    Attack those Federation starships!
    Quickly!
    Master Yoda,
    all forward positions are advancing.
    Very good.
    Very good.
    [ Viceroy Gunray ]
    This is not looking good at all!
    We must get the starships
    back into space.
    [ Speaking In Geonosian ]
    We have to order a retreat.
    My master
    will never allow the Republic…
    to get away
    with this treachery.
    [ Speaking In Geonosian ]
    I’m sending my warriors
    to hide in the catacombs.
    TheJedi must not find
    our designs for the ultimate weapon.
    If they find out what we are planning
    to build, we’re doomed.
    [ Geonosian ]
    I will take the designs
    with me to Coruscant.
    They will be much safer there
    with my master.
    [ Alarm Blaring ]
    Concentrate all your fire
    on the nearest starship.
    Yes, sir.
    Move all quadrants
    to sector 5-1 -5.
    Look over there!
    It’s Dooku!
    Shoot him down!
    We’re out of rockets, sir.
    – Follow him!
    – We’re gonna need some help!
    There isn’t time!
    Anakin and I can handle this!
    [ Beeping ]
    – [ Padm Yells ]
    – [ Anakin ] Padm!
    – Put the ship down!
    – Anakin!
    Don’t let your personal feelings
    get in the way! Follow that speeder!
    – Lower the ship!
    – I can’t take Dooku alone!
    I need you! If we catch him,
    we can end this war right now!
    – We have a job to do!
    – I don’t care! Put the ship down!
    You will be expelled
    from theJedi order!
    – I can’t leave her!
    – Come to your senses!
    What do you think Padm would do
    were she in your position?
    She would do her duty.
    Hmm.
    The droid army
    is in full retreat.
    Well done, Commander.
    Bring me a ship.
    [ Anakin ] You’re gonna pay for all
    theJedi that you killed today, Dooku.
    – We’ll take him together.
    Go in slowly on the left.
    – I’m taking him now!
    No, Anakin! No! No!
    [ Anakin Screams ]
    As you see, myJedi powers
    are far beyond yours.
    Now… back down.
    I don’t think so.
    Master Kenobi,
    you disappoint me.
    Yoda holds you
    in such high esteem.
    Surely you can do better.
    [ Moaning ]
    [ Groaning ]
    Are you all right?
    Uh-huh.
    – We’d better get back to
    the forward command center.
    – No. No.
    Gather what troops you can.
    We’ve got to get to that hangar.
    – Get a transport. Hurry!
    – Right away.
    [ Moaning ]
    Ah! Ahh!
    [ Anakin Shouts ]
    Brave of you, boy.
    But I would have thought
    you had learned your lesson.
    – I am a slow learner.
    – Anakin!
    [ Grunting ]
    – Master Yoda.
    – Count Dooku.
    You have interfered with our affairs
    for the last time.
    [ Growling ]
    Powerful you have become,
    Dooku.
    The dark side I sense in you.
    I’ve become more powerful
    than anyJedi.
    Even you.
    Much to learn you still have.
    It is obvious that
    this contest cannot be decided
    by our knowledge of the Force…
    but by our skills
    with a lightsaber.
    [ Yelling ]
    Fought well you have,
    my old Padawan.
    This is just the beginning.
    [ Speaking In
    Droid Language ]
    [ Panting, Moaning ]
    [ Sighing ]
    – [ Grunts ]
    – [ Obi-Wan Groans ]
    [ Padm ]
    Anakin!
    The Force is with us,
    Master Sidious.
    Welcome home,
    Lord Tyranus.
    You have done well.
    I have good news
    for you, my lord.
    – The war has begun.
    – Excellent.
    Everything is going
    as planned.
    [ Obi-Wan ] Do you believe
    what Count Dooku said…
    about Sidious
    controlling the senate?
    It doesn’t feel right.
    Joined the dark side
    Dooku has.
    Mmm. Lies, deceit…
    creating mistrust
    are his ways now.
    [ Windu ] Nevertheless, I feel we
    should keep a closer eye on the senate.
    I agree.
    Where is your apprentice?
    On his way to Naboo,
    escorting Senator Amidala home.
    I have to admit that
    without the clones,
    it would not have been a victory.
    [ Yoda ]
    Victory?
    Victory, you say?
    Master Obi-Wan,
    not victory.
    The shroud of the dark side
    has fallen.
    Begun the Clone War has.

  26. Avatar
    Donkey

    {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

    But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

    be broken by love’s first kiss.

    She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

    dragon.

    Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

    but non prevailed.

    She waited in the dragon’s keep in the highest room of the tallest

    tower for her true love and true love’s first kiss.

    {Laughing}

    Like that’s ever gonna happen.

    {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

    What a load of –

    Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

    I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed

    She was lookin’ kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

    In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

    The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’

    Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin’

    Didn’t make sense not to live for fun

    Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

    So much to do so much to see

    So what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets

    You’ll never know if you don’t go

    You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

    Hey, now You’re an all-star

    Get your game on, go play

    Hey, now You’re a rock star

    Get the show on, get paid

    And all that glitters is gold

    Only shootin’ stars break the mold

    It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder

    You’re bundled up now but wait till you get older

    But the meteor men beg to differ

    Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

    The ice we skate is gettin’ pretty thin

    The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim

    My world’s on fire

    How ’bout yours

    That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored

    Hey, now, you’re an all-star

    {Shouting}

    Get your game on, go play

    Hey, now You’re a rock star

    Get the show on, get paid

    And all that glitters is gold

    Only shootin’ stars break the mold

    {Belches}

    Go!

    Go!

    {Record Scratching}

    Go. Go.Go.

    Hey, now, you’re an all-star

    Get your game on, go play

    Hey, now You’re a rock star

    Get the show on, get paid

    And all that glitters is gold

    Only shootin’ stars break the mold

    -Think it’s in there?

    -All right. Let’s get it!

    -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

    -Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for it’s bread.

    {Laughs}

    -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

    Now, ogres – – They’re much worse.

    They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

    -No!

    -They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

    Actually, it’s quite good on toast.

    -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

    {Gasping}

    -Right.

    {Roaring}

    {Shouting}

    {Roaring}

    {Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

    {Gasping}

    {Laughs}

    {Laughing} And stay out!

    “Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.”

    {Sighs}

    {Man’s voice} All right. This one’s full.

    -Take it away!

    {Gasps}

    -Move it along. Come on! Get up!

    -Next!

    -Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

    That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

    -Get up! Come on!

    -Twenty pieces.

    {Thudding}

    -Sit down there!

    -Keep quiet!

    {Crying}

    -This cage is too small.

    -Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never be stubborn again.

    I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

    -Oh, shut up.

    -Oh!

    -Next!

    -What have you got?

    -This little wooden puppet.

    -I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy.

    -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

    -Father, please! Don’t let them do this!

    -Help me!

    -Next! What have you got?

    -Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.

    {Grunts}

    -Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

    -Oh, go ahead, little fella.

    -Well?

    -Oh, oh, he’s just – – He’s just a little nervous.

    He’s really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt – –

    -That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!

    -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

    I’m the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

    -Get her out of my sight.

    -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

    {Gasps}

    -Hey! I can fly!

    -He can fly!

    -He can fly!

    -He can talk!

    -Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking donkey.

    You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

    but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

    Oh-oh.

    {Grunts}

    -Seize him!

    -After him! He’s getting away!

    {Grunts, Gasps}

    {Man}

    -Get him! This way! Turn!

    -You there. Orge!

    -Aye?

    -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

    arrest

    and transport you to a designated….. resettlement facility.

    -Oh, really? You and what army?

    {Gasps, Whimpering}

    {Chuckles}

    -Can I say something to you?

    -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here.

    Incredible!

    Are you talkin’ to – – me? Whoa!

    -Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

    back here? Those guards!

    They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

    was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

    me feel good to see that.

    -Oh, that’s great. Really.

    -Man, it’s good to be free.

    -Now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

    Hmm?

    -But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not goin’ out there by

    myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll stick with you.

    You’re mean, green, fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare the spit

    out of anybody that crosses us.

    {Roaring}

    -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that

    don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, ’cause you

    definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, ’cause you breath stinks!

    You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time – –

    {Mumbling}

    Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

    butt that day.

    -Why are you following me?

    -I’ll tell you why.

    ‘Cause I’m all alone

    There’s no one here beside me

    My promlems have all gone

    There’s no one to deride me

    But you gotta heve friends – –

    -Stop singing! It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.

    -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

    -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

    -Uh – – Really tall?

    -No! I’m an orge! You know. “Grab your torch and pitchforks.” Doesn’t

    that bother you?

    -Nope.

    -Really?

    -Really, really.

    -Oh.

    -Man, I like you. What’s you name?

    -Uh, Shrek.

    -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

    You got that kind of I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

    I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

    Who’d want to live in place like that?

    -That would be my home.

    -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

    decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. I

    like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

    -I guess you don’t entertain much, do you?

    -I like my privacy.

    -You know, I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. Like I

    hate it when you got somebody in your face. You’ve trying to give them

    a hint, and they won’t leave. There’s that awkward silence.

    -Can I stay with you?

    -Uh, what?

    -Can I stay with you, please?

    -Of course!

    -Really?

    -No.

    -Please! I don’t wanna go back there! You don’t know what it’s like to

    be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that’s why we gotta

    stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

    -Okay! Okay! But one night only.

    -Ah! Thank you!

    -What are you – – No! No!

    -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories,

    and in the mornin’ I’m makin’ waffles.

    -Oh!

    -Where do, uh, I sleep?

    -Outside!

    -Oh, well. I guess that’s cool. I mean, I don’t know you, and you

    don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

    {Sniffles}

    -Here I go.

    -Good night.

    {Sighs}

    -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was born outside.

    I’ll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

    outside.

    I’m all alone

    There’s no one here beside me

    {Bubbling}

    {Sighs}

    {Creaking}

    {Sighs}

    -I thought I told you to stay outside.

    -I’m outside.

    {Clattering}

    -Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

    have?

    -It’s not home, but it’ll do just fune.

    -What a lovely bed.

    -Got ya.

    {Sniffs} I found some cheese.

    -Ow! {Grunts}

    -Blah! Awful stuff.

    -Is that you, Gorder?

    -How did you know?

    -Enough! What are you doing in my house?

    {Grunts}

    -Hey!

    {Snickers}

    -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

    -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed’s taken.

    -Huh?

    {Gusps}

    {Male voice} What?

    -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying orge! What do I

    have to do get a little privacy?

    -Aah!

    -Oh, no. No! No!

    {Cackling}

    -What?

    -Quit it.

    -Don’t push.

    {Squeaking}

    {Lows}

    – What are you doing in my swamp?

    {Echoing}

    Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

    {Gasping}

    -Oh, dear!

    -Whoa!

    -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let’s go!

    Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

    -Quickly. Come on!

    -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

    -Oh!

    {Sighs}

    -Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite them.

    -Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

    -What?

    -We were forced to come here.

    -By who?

    -Lord Farquaad.

    -He huffed und he puffed und he…… signed an eviction notice.

    {Sighs}

    -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

    {Murmuring}

    -Oh, I do. I know where he is.

    -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

    -Me! Me!

    -Anyone?

    -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

    {Sighs}

    -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

    Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I’m gonna see this guy

    Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

    from!

    {Cheering}

    {Twittering}

    -Oh! You! You’re comin’ with me.

    – All right, that’s what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

    stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

    -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

    -Hey. Oh, oh!

    -I can’t wait to get on the road again.

    -What did I say about singing?

    -Can I whistle?

    -No.

    -Can I hum it?

    -All right, hum it.

    {Humming}

    {Grunts}

    {Whimpering}

    -That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.

    {Coughing}

    {Laughing}

    {Clears throat}

    -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can’t catch me. I’m the

    gingerbread man!

    -You are a monster.

    -I’m not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

    tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

    others?

    -Eat me!{Grunts}

    -I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

    its end! Tell me or I’ll – –

    -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

    -All right then. Who’s hiding them?

    -Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

    -The muffin man?

    -The muffin man.

    -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

    -Well, she’s married to the muffin man.

    -The muffin man?

    -The muffin man!

    -She’s married to the muffin man.

    {Door opens}

    -My lord! We found it.

    -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

    {Man grunting}

    {Gasping}

    -Oh!

    -Magic mirror – –

    -Don’t tell him anything!

    -No!

    {Ginerbread man whispers}

    -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

    kingdom of them all?

    -Well, technically you’re not a king.

    -Uh, Thelonius.

    -You were saying?

    -What I mean is, you’re not a king yet. But you can become one. All

    you have to do is marry a princess.

    -Go on.

    {Chuckles}

    -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it’s time for you to

    meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

    number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

    She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

    and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

    -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

    fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy. Just

    kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

    on. Give it up for Snow White!

    -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

    fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

    lava! But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes

    pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

    Princess Fiona!

    -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

    bachelorette number three?

    -Two! Two!

    -Three! Three!

    -Two! Two!

    -Three!

    -Three? One?

    {Shudders} Three?

    –Three! Pick number three, my lord!

    -Okay, okay, uh, number three!

    -Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess Fiona.

    If you like pina coladas

    And getting caught in the rain

    -Princess Fiona.

    If you’re not into yoga

    -She’s perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go – –

    -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

    -I’ll do it.

    -Yes, but after sunset – –

    -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

    finally have the perfect king!

    Captain, assemble your finest men. We’re going to have a tournament.

    -But that’s it. That’s it right there. That’s DuLoc. I told ya I’d

    find it.

    -So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.

    -Uh-huh. That’s the place.

    -Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something?

    {Laughs}

    {Groans}

    -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

    -Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry.

    -Hey, you!

    {Screams}

    -Wait a second. Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just – – I just – –

    {Whimpering}

    {Sighs}

    {Whimpering, Groans}

    {Turnstile clatters}

    {Chuckles}

    {Sighs}

    -It’s quiet. Too quiet.

    {Creaking}

    -Where is everybody?

    -Hey, look at this!

    {Clattering, whirring, clicking}

    Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

    Here we have some rules

    Let us lay them down

    Don’t make waves, stay in line

    And we’ll get along fine

    DuLoc is perfect place

    Please keep off of the grass

    Shine your shoes, wipe your… face

    DuLoc is, DuLoc is

    DuLoc is perfect …… place

    {Camera shutter clicks

    {Whirring}

    -Wow! Let’s do that again!

    -No. No. No, no, no! No.

    {Trumpet fanfare}

    {Crowd cheering}

    -Brave knights.

    -You are the best and brightest in all the land.

    -Today one of you shall prove himself – –

    -All right. You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.

    -Sorry about that.

    {Cheering}

    -That champion shall have the honor – – no, no – – the privilege to go

    forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

    dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

    runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

    die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.

    {Cheering}

    -Let the tournament begin!

    {Gasps}

    -Oh!

    -What is that?

    {Gasping}

    -It’s hideous!

    -Ah, that’s not very nice. It’s just a donkey.

    -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

    champion! Have it him!

    -Get him!

    -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

    -Go ahead! Get him!

    -Can’t we just settle this over a pint?

    -Kill the beast!

    -No? All right then. Come on!

    I don’t give a damn about my reputation

    You’re living in the past

    It’s a new generation

    -Damn!

    {Whinnying}

    A girl can do what she wants to do

    And that’s what I’m gonna do

    And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

    Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

    Me, me, me

    -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

    And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

    Never said I wanted to improve my station

    -Ah!

    {Laughs}

    And I’m always feelin’ good when I’m having fun

    -Yeah!

    And I don’t have to please no one

    -The chair! Give him the chair!

    And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

    Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

    Me, me, me

    Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

    {Bell dings}

    {Cheering}

    {Laughs}

    -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till

    Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

    {Shrek laughs}

    {Crowd gasping, murmuring}

    -Shall I give the order, sir?

    -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

    -What?

    -Congratulations, orge. You’re won the honor of embarking on a great

    and noble quest.

    -Quest? I’m already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

    -Your swamp?

    -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

    {Crowd murmuring}

    -Indeed. All right, orge. I’ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

    me, and I’ll give you your swamp back.

    -Exactly the way it was?

    -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

    -And the squatters?

    -As good as gone.

    -What kind of quest?

    -Let me get this straight. You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

    princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

    don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

    -Is that about right?

    -Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.

    -I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull some of that orge stuff on

    him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

    your bread, the whole orge trip.

    -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

    put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

    drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

    -Uh, no, not really, no.

    -For your information, there’s a lot more to orges than people think.

    -Example?

    -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

    -{Sniffs} They stink?

    -Yes – – No!

    -They make you cry?

    -No!

    -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little

    white hairs.

    -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

    layers. You get it? We both have layers.

    {Sighs}

    -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

    onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

    -I don’t care… what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

    -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

    person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “No, I don’t like

    no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious.

    -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

    onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

    -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

    -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

    something? I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

    slobbering.

    I’m on my way from misery to happiness today

    Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

    I’m on my way from misery to happiness today

    Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

    And everything that you receive up yonder

    Is what you give to me the day I wander

    I’m on my way

    I’m on my way

    I’m on my way

    -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

    -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

    open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead. {Sniffs} It’s

    brimstone We must be getting close.

    -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone. I

    know what I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It didn’t come off no stone

    neither.

    {Rumbling}

    -Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location.

    {Laughing}

    -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

    -Oh, aye.

    -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don’t have

    layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

    -Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.

    -You know what I mean.

    -You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.

    -I’m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

    a boiling like of lava!

    -Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

    support., we’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

    at a time.

    -Really?

    -Really, really.

    -Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

    -Just keep moving. And don’t look down.

    -Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on

    moving. Don’t look down.

    {Gasps}

    -Shrek! I’m lookin’ down! Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me off,

    please!

    -But you’re already halfway.

    -But I know that half is safe!

    -Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. You go back.

    -Shrek, no! Wait!

    -Just, Donkey – – Let’s have a dance then, shall me?

    -Don’t do that!

    -Oh, I’m sorry. Do what?

    -Oh, this?

    -Yes, that!

    -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

    {Screams}

    -No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

    -You said do it! I’m doin’ it.

    -I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek, I’m gonna die. Oh!

    -That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do.

    -Cool.

    -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

    -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

    {Chuckles}

    -I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.

    {Water dripping, wind howling}

    -You afraid?

    -No.

    -But – –

    – Shh.

    -Oh, good. Me neither.

    {Gasps}

    -‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible

    response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

    might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

    breathes fire, it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little

    scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that.

    {Gasps}

    -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut … up. Now go over there and see if

    you can find any stairs.

    -Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for the princess.

    -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

    tower.

    -What makes you think she’ll be there?

    -I read it in a book once.

    -Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle the stairs. I’ll find those

    stairs. I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won’t know which way

    they’re goin’.

    {Creacing}

    -I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don’t mess with

    me. I’m the stair master. I’ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

    step right here. I’d step all over it.

    -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where’s the – –

    -Dragon!

    {Screams}

    {Gasps}

    {Roars}

    -Donkey, look out!

    {Screams}

    {Whimpering}

    -Got ya!

    {Roars}

    {Gasps}

    {Shouts}

    -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

    {Screaming}

    {Gasps}

    -Oh! Aah! Aah!

    {Gasping}

    {Crowls}

    -No. Oh, no, No!

    {Screams}

    -Oh, what large teeth you have.

    {Crowls}

    -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

    from your food, but you must bleach, ’cause that is one dazzling smile

    you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

    what else? You’re – – You’re a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

    course you’re a girl dragon. You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.

    What’s the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

    Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh – –

    (Coughs)

    -I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna

    blow smoke rings. Shrek!

    {Gasps}

    {Whimpering}

    -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

    {Groans, Sighs}

    {Vocalizing}

    -Oh! Oh!

    -Wake up!

    -What?

    -Are you Princess Fiona?

    -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

    -Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go!

    -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

    a wonderful, romantic moment?

    -Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.

    -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

    yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

    -You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?

    -Mm-hmm.

    {Screams, grunts}

    -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

    me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

    -I don’t think so.

    -Can I at least know the name of my champion?

    -Um, Shrek.

    -Sir Shrek.

    {Cleans throat}

    -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

    -Thanks!

    {Roaring}

    -You didn’t slay the dragon?

    -It’s on my to-do list. Now come on!

    {Screams}

    -But this isn’t right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

    banner flying. That’s what all the other knights did.

    -Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

    -That’s not the point. Oh!

    -Wait. Where are you going? The next’s over there.

    -Well, I have to save my ass.

    -What kind of knight are you?

    -One of a kind.

    -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it’s healthy to get to

    know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

    {Laughs}

    -I don’t want to rush into a physical relationship. I’m not

    emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this – – Magnitude really

    is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude- – Hey, that is unwanted

    physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let’s just back

    up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

    know each other first as friends or pen pals. I’m on the road a lot,

    but I just love receiving cards – – I’d really love to stay, but – –

    Don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re gonna

    tear it off. I don’t give permission – – What are you gonna do with

    that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

    {Growls}

    {Roaring}

    {Gasps}

    -Hi, Princess!

    -It talks!

    -Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick.

    {Screams}

    {Screaming}

    -Oh!

    {Thuds}

    {Groans}

    {Roars}

    {Roaring}

    -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon.

    {Fchoing}

    -Run!

    {Gasping}

    {Screaming}

    {Roaring}

    {Screams}

    {Roars}

    {Panting, sighs}

    {Whimpers}

    {Roars}

    -You did it!

    -You rescued me! You’re amazing. You’re – – You’re wonderful.

    You’re… a little unorthodox I’ll admit. But they deed is great, and

    thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

    {Clears throat}

    -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

    -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I’m a

    steed.

    -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

    -Uh, no.

    -Why not?

    -I have helmet hair.

    -Please. I would’st look upon the face of my rescuer.

    -No, no, you wouldn’t – – ‘st.

    -But how will you kiss me?

    -What? That wasn’t in the job description.

    -Maybe it’s a perk.

    -No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

    a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

    they share true love’s first kiss.

    -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- – Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

    true love?

    -Well, yes.

    {Laughing}

    -You think Shrek is your true love!

    -What is so funny?

    -Let’s just say I’m not your tipe, okay?

    -Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer. Now – – Now remove your

    helmet.

    -Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea.

    -Just take off the helmet.

    -I’m not going to.

    -Take ot off.

    -No!

    -Now!

    -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

    -You- – You’re a- – an orge.

    -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

    -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You’re not supposed

    to be an orge.

    {Sighs}

    -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

    one who wants to marry you.

    -Then why didn’t he come rescue me?

    -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

    -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- –

    his pet.

    -So much for noble steed.

    -You’re not making my job any easier.

    -I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

    that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right

    here.

    -Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? I’m a delivery boy.

    -You wouldn’t dare. Put me down!

    -Ya comin’, Donkey?

    -I’m right behind ya.

    -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

    dignified! Put me down!

    -Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you,

    right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down

    real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a

    crisp and eaten?

    -You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knowest what

    happens when you find your – – Hey!

    {Sighs}

    -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

    -You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!

    -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?

    -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in

    short supply.

    {Laughs}

    -I don’t know. There are those who think little of him.

    -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never

    measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

    -Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the

    “measuring” when you see him tomorrow.

    -Tomorrow? It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?

    -No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.

    -But there’s robbers in the woods.

    -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping’s starting to sound good.

    -Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this

    forest.

    -I need to find somewhere to camp now!

    {Birds wings fluttering}

    {Grunting}

    -Hey! Over here.

    -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a

    princess.

    -No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

    -Homey touches? Like what?

    {Crashing}

    -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

    -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

    -I said good night!

    -Shrek, What are you doing?

    {Laughs}

    -I just- – You know – – Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

    {Fire cracking}

    -And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

    three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

    -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

    -The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

    there’s Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s famous for.

    -I know you’re making this up.

    -No, look. There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away

    from his stench.

    -That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots.

    -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

    Forget it.

    {Sighs}

    -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

    -Our swamp?

    -You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess.

    -We? Donkey, there’s no “we”. There’s no “our”. There’s just me and my

    swamp. The first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

    land.

    -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

    I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

    out.

    -No, do ya think?

    -Are you hidin’ something?

    -Never mind, Donkey.

    -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?

    -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

    -Why don’t you want to talk about it?

    -Why do you want to talk about it?

    -Why are you blocking?

    -I’m not blocking.

    -Oh, yes, you are.

    -Donkey, I’m warning you.

    -Who you trying to keep out?

    -Everyone! Okay?

    -Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.

    -Oh! For the love of Pete!

    -What’s your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

    -Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that

    seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

    “Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!” They judge me before they

    even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone.

    -You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big,

    stupid, ugly orge.

    -Yeah, I know.

    -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

    -Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

    -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

    there?

    -That’s the moon.

    -Oh, okay.

    {Orchestra}

    {Dulcimer}

    -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

    princess.

    -Hmph.

    -Ah. Perfect.

    {Inhales}

    {Snoring}

    {Vocalizing}

    {Whistling}

    {Sizzling}

    {Sniffs, yawns}

    -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

    –Come on, baby. I said I like it.

    -Donkey, wake up.

    -Huh? What?

    -Wake up.

    -What?

    -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

    -Good morning, Princess!

    -What’s all this about?

    -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

    make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

    -Uh, thanks.

    {Sniffs}

    -Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us.

    {Belches}

    -Shrek!

    -What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

    -Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess.

    {Belches}

    -Thanks.

    -She’s as nasty as you are.

    -{Laughs} You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.

    -Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.

    {Vocalizing}

    -La liberte! Hey!

    -Princess!

    {Laughs}

    -What are you doing?

    -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

    this green – –

    {Kissing sounds}

    -beast.

    -Hey!

    -That’s my princess! Go find you own!

    -Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?

    -Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!

    -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

    Men.

    {Laughs}

    {Accordion}

    Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

    I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

    He takes a wee percentage,

    But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

    Man, I’m good

    What a guy, Monsieur Hood

    Break it down

    I like an honest fight

    and a saucy little maid

    What he’s basically saying

    is he likes to get – –

    Paid

    So

    When an orge in the bush

    grabs a lady by the tush

    That’s bad

    That’s bad

    When a beauty’s with a beast

    it makes me awfully mad

    He’s mad

    He’s really, really mad

    I’ll take my blade and

    ram it through your heart

    Keep your eyes on me, boys

    ’cause I’m about to start

    {Grunts, Groans}

    {Karate Yell}

    {Merry Men Gasping}

    {Panting}

    -Man, that was annoying!

    -Oh, you little- –

    {Karate Yell}

    {Accordion}

    {Shouting, groaning}

    {Chuckles}

    -Uh, shall we?

    -Hold the phone.

    {Grunts}

    Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

    -What?

    -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

    -Well – – {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

    things in case there’s a – – There’s an arrow in your butt!

    -What? Oh, would you look at that?

    -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.

    -Why? What’s wrong?

    -Shrek’s hurt.

    -Shrek’s hurt. Shrek’s hurt? Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die.

    -Donkey, I’m okay.

    -You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m too young for you to die. Keep

    you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

    Heimlich?

    -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

    find me a blue flower with red thorns.

    -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

    Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

    -{Both} Donkey!

    -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

    -What are the flowers for?

    -For getting rid of Donkey.

    -Ah.

    -Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out.

    -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’.

    -I’m sorry, but it has to come out.

    -No, it’s tender.

    -Now, hold on.

    -What you’re doing is the opposite of help.

    -Don’t move.

    -Look, time out.

    -Would you – –

    {Grunts}

    -Okay. What do you propose we do?

    -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

    thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue

    flower, red thorns.

    -Ow!

    -Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’!

    -Ow! Not good.

    -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

    {Grunts}

    -It’s just about – –

    -Ow! Ohh!

    -Ahem.

    -Nothing happend. We were just, uh – –

    -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

    -Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

    just- – Ugh!

    -Ow!

    -Hey, what’s that?

    {Nervous chickle}

    -That’s- – Is that blood?

    {Sighs}

    {Bird chirping}

    {Grunts}

    My beloved monster and me

    We go everywhere together

    Wearin’ a raincoat

    that has four sleeves

    Gets us through all kinds of weather

    -Aah!

    She will always be the only thing

    That comes between me and the awful sting

    That comes from living in a world

    that’s so damn mean

    {Croaks}

    Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

    -Hey!

    La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

    {Both laughing}

    La-la, la-la, la-la

    -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

    -That’s DuLoc?

    -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for

    something, which I think means he has a really – – Ow!

    -Um, I, uh- – I guess we better move on.

    -Sure. But, Shrek? I’m – – I’m worried about Donkey.

    {Blubbering}

    -What?

    -I mean, look at him. He doesn’t look so good.

    -What are you talking about? I’m fine.

    -That’s what they always say, and then next thing you know, you’re on

    your back. Dead.

    -You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

    -Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.

    -I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and

    when I turn my head like this, look,

    {Bones crunch}

    -Ow! See?

    -Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.

    -I’ll get the firewood.

    -Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! I don’t have any

    toes! I think I need a hug.

    -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

    -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

    -No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

    -Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I

    make a mean weedrat stew.

    {Chuckling}

    {Sighs}

    -I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

    {Gulps}

    -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind

    of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare – – you name it.

    {Chuckles}

    -I’d like that.

    {Slurps, laughs}

    See the pyramids along the Nile

    -Um, Princess?

    Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle

    -Yes, Shrek?

    -I, um, I was wondering.

    Just remember, darling all the while

    -Are you- –

    You belong to me

    {Sighs}

    -Are you gonna eat that?

    {Chuckles}

    -Man, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

    -Sunset?

    -Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.

    -What?

    -Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark,

    aren’t you?

    -Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.

    -Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

    – – Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.

    {Shrek sighs}

    -Good night.

    -Good night.

    {Door creaks}

    -Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.

    -Oh, what are you talkin’ about?

    -I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts.

    And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.

    -You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.

    -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

    and tell her how you feel.

    -I- – There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

    well, you know – – and I’m not sayin’ I do ’cause I don’t – – she’s a

    princess, and I’m – –

    -An orge?

    -Yeah. An orge.

    -Hey, where you goin’?

    -To get… move firewood.

    {Sighs}

    -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

    {Wings fluttering}

    -Princess?

    {Creaking}

    {Gasps}

    -It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.

    {Screams}

    -Aah!

    -Oh, no!

    -No, help!

    -Shh!

    -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

    -No, it’s okay. It’s okay.

    -What did you do with the princess?

    -Donkey, I’m the princess.

    -Aah!

    -It’s me, in this body.

    -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

    -Donkey!

    -Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!

    -No!

    -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

    -Shh.

    -Shrek!

    -This is me.

    {Muffled mumbling}

    -Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.

    -I’m ugly, okay?

    -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats

    was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now – –

    -No.

    -I – – I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.

    -What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.

    -It’s only happens when sun goes down.

    “By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you

    find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form.”

    -Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.

    -It’s a spell.

    {Sighs}

    -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

    become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

    await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry

    Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

    {Sobs}

    -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not

    that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

    like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7.

    -But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

    to look.

    -Princess, how ’bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?

    -I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.

    -But, you know, um, you’re kind of an orge, and Shrek – – well, you

    got a lot in common.

    -Shrek?

    -Princess, I – – Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

    me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s

    pretty and – – well, I don’t really like it, but I thought you might

    like it ’cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d – – uh, uh –

    {Sighs}

    -I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.

    -I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

    mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

    “Princess” and “ugly” don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here

    with Shrek.

    {Gasps}

    -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

    {Deep sigh}

    -Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be. It’s the only

    way to break the spell.

    -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

    -No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.

    -What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

    -Promise you won’t tell. Promise!

    -All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should. I just know

    before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

    -Look at my eye twitchin’.

    {Door opens}

    {Snoring}

    -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

    -Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want – –

    {Snoring}

    -Shrek. Are you all right?

    -Perfect! Never been better.

    -I – – I don’t – – There’s something I have to tell you.

    -You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

    night.

    -You heard what I said?

    -Every word.

    -I thought you’d understand.

    -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, “Who could love a hideous, ugly

    beast?”

    -But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.

    -Yeah? Well, it does.

    {Gasps, sighs}

    -Ah, right on time.

    {Horse whinnies}

    -Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.

    {Fanfare}

    {Yawns}

    -What’d I miss? What’d I miss?

    {Muffled}

    -Who said that? Couldn’t have been a donkey.

    -Princess Fiona.

    -As promised. Now hand it over.

    -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

    -Take it and go before I change my mind.

    -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

    have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I’m Lord Farquaad.

    -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

    {Snaps fingers}

    -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short… farewell.

    -Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the

    orge. It’s not like it has feelings.

    -No, you’re right. It doesn’t.

    -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

    marriage.

    {Gasps}

    -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

    -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make – –

    -Excellent! I’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

    -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun

    sets.

    -Oh, anxious, are you? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s

    so much to do! Threre’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

    list. Captain, round up some guests!

    -Fare-thee-well, orge.

    -Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.

    -Yeah? So what?

    -Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to

    her last night, She’s – –

    -I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya?

    Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?

    -Shrek, I – – I wanna go with you.

    -I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone!

    My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

    pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

    -But I thought – –

    -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

    -Shrek.

    I heard there was a secret chord

    That David played and it pleased the Lord

    But you don’t really care for music, do ya

    It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

    The minor fall the major lift

    The baffled king composing hallelujah

    Hallelujah, hallelujah

    Baby, I’ve been here before

    I know this room I’ve walked this floor

    I used to live alone before I knew you

    I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch

    But love is not a victory march

    It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

    Hallelujah, hallelujah

    And all I ever learned from love

    Is how to shoot at someone

    Who outdrew you

    {Moaning}

    And it’s not a cry you can hear at night

    It’s not somebody who’s seen the light

    It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

    {Moaning}

    Hallelujah, hallelujah

    {Thumping sound}

    -Donkey?

    {Grunts}

    -What are you doing?

    -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

    one.

    -Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not

    through it.

    -It is around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half.

    -Oh! Your half. Hmm.

    -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

    get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

    like your head.

    -Back off!

    -No, you back off.

    -This is my swamp!

    -Our swamp.

    -Let go, Donkey!

    -You let go.

    -Stubborn jackass!

    -Smelly orge.

    -Fine!

    -Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.

    -Well, I’m through with you.

    -Uh-uh. You know, with you it’s always, “Me, me, me!” Well, guess

    what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

    mean to me. You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do!

    You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away.

    -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

    -Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other!

    -Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive you… for stabbin’ me in

    the back!

    -Ohh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your

    own feelings.

    -Go away!

    -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

    ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

    -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

    you talking.

    -She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about, uh, somebody

    else.

    -She wasn’t talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

    -Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me.

    Right? Right?

    -Donkey!

    -No!

    -Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right?

    {Sighs}

    -I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

    forgive me?

    -Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?

    -Right. Friends?

    -Friends.

    -So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

    -What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?

    -The wedding! We’ll never make it in time.

    -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I

    have a way.

    {Whistles}

    -Donkey?

    -I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.

    {Laughing}

    -Aw, come here, you.

    -All right, all right.Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

    All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install

    the seat belts yet.

    -Whoo!

    {Bells tolling}

    {All gasping}

    -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union….

    -Um-

    -of our new king – –

    -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the “I do’s”?

    {Chuckling}

    -Go on.

    -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about

    that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t

    you?

    -What are you talking about?

    -There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, “Speak

    now or forever hold your peace.” That’s when you say, “I object!”

    -I don’t have time for this!

    -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

    woman, don’t you?

    -Yes.

    -You wanna hold her?

    -Yes.

    -Please her?

    -Yes!

    -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

    romantic crap!

    -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

    -We gotta check it out.

    -And so, by the power vested in me,

    -What do you see?

    -The whole town’s in there.

    -I now pronounce you husband and wife,

    -They’re at the altar.

    -king and queen.

    -Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

    -Oh, for the love of Pete!

    {Grunts}

    -I object!

    -Shrek?

    {Gasps}

    -Oh, now what does he want?

    -Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

    Very clean.

    -What are you doing here?

    -Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

    showing up uninvited to a wedding – –

    -Fiona! I need to talk to you.

    -Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little late for that, so if you’ll

    excuse me – –

    -But you can’t marry him.

    -And why not?

    -Because- – Because he’s just marring you so he can be king.

    -Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him.

    -He’s not your true love.

    -And what do you know about true love?

    -Well, I – – Uh – – I mean – –

    -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

    Oh, good Lord.

    {Crowd laughting}

    -An orge and a princess!

    -Shrek, is this true?

    -Who cares? It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away

    from our “happily ever after.” Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

    -“By night one way, by day another.” I wanted to show you before.

    {Whimpers}

    {Crown gasping}

    -Well, uh, that explains a lot.

    -Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

    my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

    -No, no!

    -Shrek!

    -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

    makes me king! See? See?

    -No, let go of me! Shrek!

    -No!

    -Don’t just stand there, you morons.

    -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

    -I’ll make you regret the day we met. I’ll see you drawn and

    quartered!

    -You’ll beg for death to save you!

    -No, Shrek!

    -And as for you, my wife,

    -Fiona!

    -I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

    -I’m king!

    {Whistles}

    -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have – – Aaaah!

    -Aah!

    -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to

    use it.

    {Roars}

    -I’m a donkey on the edge!

    {Belches}

    -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

    {Cheering}

    -Go ahead, Shrek.

    -Uh, Fiona?

    -Yes, Shrek?

    -I – – I love you.

    -Really?

    -Really, really.

    – I love you too.

    -Aawww!

    -“Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true

    form.”

    -“Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form.”

    -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

    -Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.

    -But you ARE beautiful.

    {Chuckles}

    -I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

    I thought love was only true in fairy tales

    Oy!

    Meant for someone else but not for me

    Love was out to get me

    That’s the way it seemed

    Disappointment haunted all my dreams

    And then I saw her face

    Now I’m a believer and not a trace

    Of doubt in my mind

    I’m in love

    Ooh-aah

    I’m a believer I couldn’t leave her

    If I tried

    -God bless us, every one.

    Come on, y’all!

    Then I saw her face

    Ha-ha

    Now I’m a believer

    Listen!

    Not a trace

    Of doubt in my mind

    I’m in love

    Ooh-aah

    I’m a believer

    I couldn’t leave her if I tried

    -Ooh!

    -Uh!

    Then I saw her face

    Now I’m a believer

    Hey!

    Not a trace

    Uhh! Yeah.

    Of doubt in my mind

    -One more time!

    I’m in love

    I’m a believer

    Come on!

    I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

    I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

    Y’all sing it with me!

    I

    Believe

    I believe

    People in the back!

    I believe

    I’m a believer

    I believe

    I believe

    I believe

    I believe

    {Hysterical laughing}

    -Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh.

    -I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

    I believe in self-assertion

    Destiny or a slight diversion

    Now it seems I’ve got my head on straight

    I’m a freak an apparition

    Seems I’ve made the right decision

    To try to turn back now it might be too late

    Now I want to stay home today

    Don’t wanna go out

    If anyone comes to play

    Gonna get thrown out

    I wanna stay home today

    Don’t want no company

    No way

    Yeah, yeah, yeah

    I wanna be a millionaire someday

    But know what it feels like to give it away

    Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

    And it’s off to the moon and then back again

    Same old day Same situation

    My happiness rears back as if to say

    I wanna stay home today

    Don’t wanna go out

    If anyone comes to play

    Gonna get thrown out

    I wanna stay home today

    Don’t want no company

    No way

    Yeah, yeah, yeah

    I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home………

    I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

    My heart skips a beat

    Girl, I feel so alive

    Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

    ‘Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

    Oh-oh-oh

    Makes me wanna dance

    Oh-oh-oh

    It’s a new romance

    Oh-oh-oh

    I look into your eyes

    Oh-oh-oh

    The best years of our lives

    When we first met

    I could hardly believe

    The things that would happen

    and we could achieve

    So let’s be together

    for all of our time

    Oh, girl, I’m so thankful

    that you are still mine

    You always consider me

    like an ugly duckling

    And treat me like a Nostradamus

    was why I had to get my shine on

    I break a little something

    to keep my mind on

    ‘Cause you had my mind gone

    Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

    Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

    Let’s just rewind the song

    ‘Cause all I want to do is

    make the rest years the best years

    All night long

    Oh-oh-oh

    Makes me wanna dance

    Makes me wanna dance

    Oh-oh-oh

    It’s a new romance

    It’s a new romance

    Oh-oh-oh

    I look into your eyes

    Oh, yeah, yeah

    I look into your eyes

    Oh-oh-oh

    The best years of our lives

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…………..

    Everything looks bright

    Standing in your light

    Everything feels right

    What’s left is out of sight

    What’s a girl to do

    I’m telling you

    You’re on my mind

    I wanna be with you

    ‘Cause when you’re

    standin’ next to me

    It’s like wow

    And all your kisses

    seem to set me free

    It’s like wow

    And when we touch

    it’s such a rush

    I can’t get enough

    It’s like- – It’s like

    Ooh-ooh

    Hey, what

    It’s like wow

    Ooh-ooh, hey

    Hey, yeah

    It’s like wow

    Everything is looking

    right now, right now

    It’s like wow

    And I got this feeling

    This feeling

    it’s just like wow

    It’s just like wow

    You are all I’m thinking of.

    Like wow

    Everything feels right

    Everything feels right

    Like wow

    Everything looks bright

    All my senses are right

    Like wow

    Everything feels right

    Baby, baby, baby

    the way I’m feeling you

    Is like wow

    There is something

    that I see

    In the way

    you look at me

    There’s a smile

    There’s a truth

    In your eyes

    What an unexpected way

    On this unexpected day

    Could it be

    This is where I belong

    It is you I have loved

    All long

    There’s no more mystery

    It is finally clear to me

    You’re the home

    my heart’s searched for

    So long

    It is you I have loved

    All long

    Whoa, over and over

    I’m filled with emotion

    As I look

    Into your perfect face

  27. Avatar
    suprise

    You’re walking in the woods
    There’s no one around and your phone is dead
    Out of the corner of your eye you spot him:
    Shia LaBeouf.
    He’s following you, about 30 feet back
    He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
    He’s gaining on you
    Shia LaBeouf
    You’re looking for you car but you’re all turned around
    He’s almost upon you now
    And you can see there’s blood on his face
    My God, there’s blood everywhere!
    Running for you life (from Shia LaBeouf)
    He’s brandishing a knife (It’s Shia LaBeouf)
    Lurking in the shadows
    Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf
    Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf)
    Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf)
    Eating all the bodies
    Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf
    Now it’s dark and you seem to have lost him
    But you’re hopelessly lost yourself
    Stranded with a murderer
    You creep silently through the underbrush
    Aha! In the distance
    A small cottage with a light on
    Hope! You move stealthily toward it
    But your leg! Ah! It’s caught in a bear trap!
    Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet)
    Limping to the cottage (Quiet, quiet)
    Now you’re on the doorstep
    Sitting inside: Shia LaBeouf
    Sharpening an axe (Shia LaBeouf)
    But he doesn’t hear you enter (Shia LaBeouf)
    You’re sneaking up behind him
    Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf
    Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf
    Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf
    Stab him in his kidney
    Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf
    You limp into the dark woods
    Blood oozing from your stump leg
    But you have won; you have beaten
    Shia LaBeouf
    Wait! He isn’t dead (Shia surprise)
    There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes
    But you can do Jis Jitsu
    Body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf
    Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf
    Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf
    You try to swing an axe at Shia Labeouf
    But blood is draining fast from your stump leg
    He’s dodging every swipe, he parries to the left
    You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck
    You’re chopping his head now
    You have just decapitated Shia Labeouf
    His head Topples to the floor, expressionless
    You fall to your knees and catch your breath
    You’re finally safe from Shia Labeouf …

  28. Avatar
    shrek 2

    [man’s voice] Once upon a time

    in a kingdom far, far away,

    the king and queen were blessed

    with a beautiful baby girl.

    And throughout the land,

    everyone was happy…

    until the sun went down

    and they saw that their daughter was

    cursed with a frightful enchantment

    that took hold each and every night.

    Desperate, they sought the help

    of a fairy godmother

    who had them lock the young princess

    away in a tower,

    there to await the kiss…

    of the handsome Prince Charming.

    [horse whinnies]

    It was he who would chance

    the perilous journey

    through blistering cold

    and scorching desert

    traveling for many days and nights,

    risking life and limb

    to reach the Dragon’s keep.

    [crows caw]

    For he was the bravest,

    and most handsome…

    in all the land.

    And it was destiny that his kiss

    would break the dreaded curse.

    He alone would climb to the highest room

    of the tallest tower

    to enter the princess’s chambers,

    cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,

    pull back the gossamer curtains

    to find her… [gasps]

    What?

    – Princess… Fiona?

    – No!

    [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens.

    Where is she?

    – She’s on her honeymoon.

    – Honeymoon? With whom?

    – She’s on her honeymoon.

    – Honeymoon? With whom?

    [ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love]

    So she said

    what’s the problem, baby?

    What’s the problem?

    I don’t know

    Well, maybe I’m in love

    Think about it

    every time I think ’bout it

    Can’t stop thinking ’bout it

    How much longer

    will it take to cure this?

    Just to cure it,

    ’cause I can’t ignore it

    If it’s love, love

    Makes me wanna turn around

    and face me

    But I don’t know nothing

    ’bout love

    Oh, come on, come on

    – [screams]

    – Turn a little faster

    Come on, come on

    The world will follow after

    Come on, come on

    Everybody’s after love

    So I said

    I’m a snowball running

    Running down into this spring

    that’s coming all this love

    Melting under blue skies

    belting out sunlight

    Shimmering love

    Well, baby, I surrender

    To the strawberry ice cream

    Never ever end of all this love

    Well, I didn’t mean to do it

    But there’s no escaping your love

    These lines of lightning

    mean we’re never alone

    Never alone, no, no

    Come on, come on

    Jump a little higher

    Come on, come on

    If you feel a little lighter

    Come on, come on

    We were once upon a time in love

    Hyah!

    We’re accidentally in love

    Accidentally in love

    Accidentally in love

    Accidentally in love

    Accidentally in love

    Accidentally in love

    Accidentally in love

    Accidentally

    I’m in love, I’m in love,

    I’m in love, I’m in love

    I’m in love, I’m in love

    Accidentally in love

    I’m in love

    I’m in love

    It’s so good to be home!

    – [distant singing]

    – [giggling]

    Just you and me and…

    [Donkey sings]

    – Two can be as bad as one…

    – Donkey?

    Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two

    a sight for sore eyes!

    Give us a hug, Shrek,

    you old love machine.

    [chuckles]

    And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.

    How ’bout a side of sugar for the steed?

    Donkey, what are you doing here?

    Taking care of your love nest for you.

    Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail

    and watering the plants?

    – Yeah, and feeding the fish!

    – I don’t have any fish.

    You do now. I call that one Shrek

    and the other Fiona.

    That Shrek is a rascally devil.

    Get your…

    Look at the time.

    I guess you’d better be going.

    Don’t you want to tell me about your trip?

    Or how about a game of Parcheesi?

    Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be

    getting home to Dragon?

    Oh, yeah, that.

    I don’t know.

    She’s been all moody and stuff lately.

    I thought I’d move in with you.

    You know we’re always happy

    to see you, Donkey.

    But Fiona and I are married now.

    We need a little time, you know,

    to be together.

    Just with each other.

    Alone.

    Say no more.

    You don’t have to worry about a thing.

    I will always be here to make sure

    nobody bothers you.

    – Donkey!

    – Yes, roomie?

    You’re bothering me.

    Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess…

    Me and Pinocchio was going to catch

    a tournament, anyway, so…

    Maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday

    for a barbecue or something.

    He’ll be fine.

    Now, where were we?

    [giggles] Oh.

    I think I remember.

    – Donkey!

    – [Fiona yelps]

    I know, I know! Alone!

    I’m going! I’m going.

    What do you want me

    to tell these other guys?

    [fanfare]

    [ theme to Hawaii Five-O]

    Enough, Reggie.

    [clears throat] “Dearest Princess Fiona.

    “You are hereby summoned

    to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away

    “for a royal ball

    in celebration of your marriage

    “at which time the King

    “will bestow his royal blessing…

    upon you and your…”

    uh…”Prince Charming.

    “Love, the King and Queen

    of Far, Far Away.

    “aka Mom and Dad.”

    Mom and Dad?

    – Prince Charming?

    – Royal ball? Can I come?

    – We’re not going.

    – [both] What?

    I mean, don’t you think

    they might be a bit…

    shocked to see you like this?

    [chuckles] Well, they might be

    a bit surprised.

    But they’re my parents, Shrek.

    They love me.

    And don’t worry.

    They’ll love you, too.

    Yeah, right.

    Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome

    at the country club.

    Stop it.

    They’re not like that.

    How do you explain Sergeant Pompous

    and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

    Oh, come on! You could at least

    give them a chance.

    To do what?

    Sharpen their pitchforks?

    No! They just want

    to give you their blessing.

    Oh, great.

    Now I need their blessing?

    If you want to be a part

    of this family, yes!

    Who says I want

    to be part of this family?

    You did!

    When you married me!

    Well, there’s some fine print for you!

    [exasperated sigh]

    So that’s it. You won’t come?

    Trust me. It’s a bad idea.

    We are not going! And that’s final!

    Come on!

    We don’t want to hit traffic!

    [Gingy] Don’t worry!

    We’ll take care of everything.

    [all cheer]

    – Hey, wait for me. Oof!

    – [glass breaks]

    [sighs]

    [ Chic: Le Freak]

    Hit it! Move ’em on! Head ’em up!

    Head ’em up, move ’em on! Head ’em up!

    Rawhide! Move ’em on!

    Head ’em up!

    Move ’em on! Move ’em on!

    Head ’em up! Rawhide!

    Ride ’em up! Move ’em on!

    Head ’em up! Move ’em on! Rawhide!

    Knock ’em out! Pound ’em dead!

    Make ’em tea! Buy ’em drinks!

    Meet their mamas!

    Milk ’em hard!

    Rawhide!

    Yee-haw!

    – [Donkey] Are we there yet?

    – [Shrek] No.

    – [Donkey] Are we there yet?

    – [Fiona] Not yet.

    – [Donkey] OK, are we there yet?

    – [Fiona] No.

    – [Donkey] Are we there yet?

    – [Shrek] No!

    – [Donkey] Are we there yet?

    – [Shrek] Yes.

    – Really?

    – No!

    – Are we there yet?

    – [Fiona] No!

    – Are we there yet?

    – [Shrek] We are not!

    – Are we there yet?

    – [Shrek & Fiona] No!

    – Are we there yet?

    – [Shrek mimics]

    – That’s not funny. That’s really immature.

    – [Shrek mimics]

    – This is why nobody likes ogres.

    – [Shrek mimics]

    – Your loss!

    – [Shrek mimics]

    – I’m gonna just stop talking.

    – Finally!

    This is taking forever, Shrek.

    There’s no in-flight movie or nothing!

    The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey.

    That’s where we’re going.

    Far, far…

    [softly] away!

    All right, all right, I get it.

    I’m just so darn bored.

    Well, find a way

    to entertain yourself.

    [sighs]

    [deep sigh]

    [clicks tongue]

    [popping]

    – [popping]

    – [exasperated sigh]

    For five minutes…

    Could you not be yourself…

    [shouts]… for five minutes!

    – [popping]

    – [shrieks]

    Are we there yet?

    – [chuckles] Yes!

    – Oh, finally!

    [fanfare]

    [ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown]

    Wow!

    It’s going to be champagne wishes

    and caviar dreams from now on.

    Hey, good-looking!

    We’ll be back to pick you up later!

    Gotta make a move

    to a town that’s right for me

    We are definitely not

    in the swamp anymore.

    [whistle] Halt!

    Well, I talk about it, talk about it,

    talk about it, talk about it

    Hey, everyone, look.

    Talk about, talk about movin’…

    Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh?

    You working that hat.

    [Donkey] Swimming pools!

    Movie stars!

    [cheering]

    [applause]

    [fanfare]

    Announcing the long-awaited return

    of the beautiful Princess Fiona

    and her new husband.

    Well, this is it.

    – This is it.

    – This is it.

    This is it.

    [fanfare]

    [fanfare and cheering stop]

    [gasps]

    [tweeting]

    [baby wails]

    Uh… why don’t you guys go ahead?

    I’ll park the car.

    [chuckles] So…

    you still think

    this was a good idea?

    Of course! Look.

    Mom and Dad look happy to see us.

    – [softly] Who on earth are they?

    – [softly] I think that’s our little girl.

    That’s not little!

    That’s a really big problem.

    Wasn’t she supposed to kiss

    Prince Charming and break the spell?

    Well, he’s no Prince Charming,

    but they do look…

    [softly] Happy now?

    We came. We saw them.

    Now let’s go before

    they light the torches.

    – They’re my parents.

    – Hello? They locked you in a tower.

    That was for my own…

    Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go

    back inside and pretend we’re not home.

    Harold, we have to be…

    Quick! While they’re not looking

    we can make a run for it.

    Shrek, stop it!

    Everything’s gonna be…

    A disaster! There is no way…

    – You can do this.

    – I really…

    – Really…

    – don’t… want… to… be…

    Here!

    Mom… Dad…

    I’d like you to meet my husband…

    Shrek.

    Well, um…

    It’s easy to see where Fiona

    gets her good looks from.

    [chuckles nervously]

    [gulps]

    [belches]

    – Excuse me.

    – [Shrek & Fiona laugh]

    Better out than in,

    I always say, eh, Fiona?

    [both giggle]

    [Shrek] That’s good.

    I guess not.

    What do you mean, “not on the list”?

    Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.

    What do you mean, “not on the list”?

    Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.

    What’s happening, everybody?

    Thanks for waiting.

    – I had the hardest time finding this place.

    – No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!

    No, Dad! It’s all right.

    It’s all right. He’s with us.

    – He helped rescue me from the dragon.

    – That’s me: the noble steed.

    Waiter!

    How ’bout a bowl for the steed?

    Oh, boy.

    [slurps]

    – Um, Shrek?

    – Yeah?

    Oh, sorry!

    Great soup, Mrs Q.

    Mmm!

    No, no. Darling.

    [chuckles nervously] Oh!

    So, Fiona, tell us

    about where you live.

    Well…

    Shrek owns his own land.

    – Don’t you, honey?

    – Oh, yes!

    It’s in an enchanted forest

    abundant in squirrels

    and cute little duckies and…

    [laughing] What?

    I know you ain’t

    talking about the swamp.

    An ogre from a swamp.

    Oh! How original.

    I suppose that would be a fine place

    to raise the children.

    – [splutters]

    – [chokes]

    It’s a bit early to be

    thinking about that, isn’t it?

    – Indeed. I just started eating.

    – Harold!

    – What’s that supposed to mean?

    – Dad. It’s great, OK?

    – For his type, yes.

    – My type?

    I got to go to the bathroom.

    – Dinner is served!

    – Never mind. I can hold it.

    Bon appetit!

    Oh, Mexican food!

    My favorite.

    Let’s not sit here with our tummies

    rumbling. Everybody dig in.

    Don’t mind if I do, Lillian.

    I suppose any grandchildren

    I could expect from you would be…

    Ogres, yes!

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Right, Harold?

    Oh, no! No! Of course, not!

    That is, assuming you don’t

    eat your own young!

    Dad!

    No, we usually prefer the ones

    who’ve been locked away in a tower!

    – Shrek, please!

    – I only did that because I love her.

    Aye, day care

    or dragon-guarded castle.

    You wouldn’t understand.

    You’re not her father!

    It’s so nice to have the family

    together for dinner.

    – Harold!

    – Shrek!

    – Fiona!

    – Fiona!

    – Mom!

    – Harold…

    Donkey!

    [glissando]

    Your fallen tears have called to me

    So, here comes my sweet remedy

    I know what every princess needs

    For her to live life happily…

    [both gasp]

    Oh, my dear.

    Oh, look at you.

    You’re all grown up.

    – Who are you?

    – Oh, sweet pea!

    I’m your fairy godmother.

    – I have a fairy godmother?

    – Shush, shush.

    Now, don’t worry.

    I’m here to make it all better.

    With just a…

    Wave of my magic wand

    Your troubles will soon be gone

    With a flick of the wrist and just a flash

    You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash

    A high-priced dress

    made by mice no less

    Some crystal glass pumps

    And no more stress

    Your worries will vanish,

    your soul will cleanse

    Confide in your very own

    furniture friends

    We’ll help you set a new fashion trend

    – I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great

    – The kind of girl a prince would date!

    They’ll write your name

    on the bathroom wall…

    “For a happy ever after,

    give Fiona a call!”

    A sporty carriage to ride in style,

    Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle

    Banish your blemishes, tooth decay,

    Cellulite thighs will fade away

    And oh, what the hey!

    Have a bichon frisé! ‘

    Nip and tuck, here and there

    to land that prince with the perfect hair

    Lipstick liners, shadows blush

    To get that prince with the sexy tush

    Lucky day, hunk buffet

    You and your prince take a roll in the hay

    You can spoon on the moon

    With the prince to the tune

    Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab

    Your prince will have rock-hard abs

    Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day

    Have some chicken fricassee!

    Nip and tuck, here and there

    To land that prince with the perfect hair

    Stop!

    [chuckles] Look…

    Thank you very much,

    Fairy Godmother,

    but I really don’t need all this.

    [gasps and mutterings of disapproval]

    – Fine. Be that way.

    – We didn’t like you, anyway.

    – [knocking]

    – [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona?

    [dog barks]

    Oh! You got a puppy?

    All I got in my room was shampoo.

    Oh, uh…

    Fairy Godmother, furniture…

    [giggles]

    I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek.

    Your husband? What? What did you say?

    When did this happen?

    Shrek is the one who rescued me.

    – But that can’t be right.

    – Oh, great, more relatives!

    She’s just trying to help.

    Good! She can help us pack.

    Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.

    – What?

    – I don’t want to leave.

    When did you decide this?

    – Shortly after arriving.

    – Look, I’m sorry…

    No, that’s all right.

    I need to go, anyway.

    But remember, dear.

    If you should ever need me…

    happiness…

    is just a teardrop away.

    Thanks, but we’ve got all

    the happiness we need.

    Happy, happy, happy…

    [laughs] So I see.

    Let’s go, Kyle.

    – Very nice, Shrek.

    – What?

    I told you coming here was a bad idea.

    You could’ve at least tried

    to get along with my father.

    I don’t think I was going to get

    Daddy’s blessing,

    even if I did want it.

    Do you think it might be nice

    if somebody asked me what I wanted?

    Sure. Do you want me

    to pack for you?

    You’re unbelievable!

    You’re behaving like a…

    – Go on! Say it!

    – Like an ogre!

    Here’s a news flash for you!

    Whether your parents like it or not…

    I am an ogre!

    – [yelps]

    – [roars]

    And guess what, Princess?

    That’s not about to change.

    I’ve made changes for you, Shrek.

    Think about that.

    That’s real smooth, Shrek.

    “I’m an ogre!”

    [mimics Shrek roaring]

    [sniffling]

    I knew this would happen.

    [Lillian] You should.

    You started it.

    I can hardly believe that, Lillian.

    He’s the ogre. Not me.

    I think, Harold, you’re taking this

    a little too personally.

    This is Fiona’s choice.

    But she was supposed to choose

    the prince we picked for her.

    I mean, you expect me to give

    my blessings to this… thing?

    Fiona does.

    And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t.

    I don’t want to lose

    our daughter again, Harold.

    Oh, you act as if love

    is totally predictable.

    Don’t you remember when

    we were young?

    We used to walk

    down by the lily pond and…

    – they were in bloom…

    – Our first kiss.

    It’s not the same!

    I don’t think you realize that

    our daughter has married a monster!

    Oh, stop being such a drama king.

    Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong!

    La, di, da, di, da!

    Isn’t it all wonderful!

    I’d like to know

    how it could get any worse!

    – Hello, Harold.

    – [gasps]

    – What happened?

    – Nothing, dear!

    Just the old crusade wound

    playing up a bit!

    [chuckles]

    I’ll just stretch it

    out here for a while.

    You better get in.

    We need to talk.

    Actually, Fairy Godmother,

    off to bed.

    [yawns] Already taken my pills,

    and they tend to make me a bit drowsy.

    So, how about… we make this

    a quick visit. What?

    Oh, hello.

    Ha-ha-ha!

    So, what’s new?

    You remember my son,

    Prince Charming?

    Is that you? My gosh!

    It’s been years.

    When did you get back?

    Oh, about five minutes ago, actually.

    After I endured blistering winds,

    scorching desert…

    I climbed to the highest room

    in the tallest tower…

    Mommy can handle this.

    He endures blistering winds

    and scorching desert!

    He climbs to the highest bloody room

    of the tallest bloody tower…

    And what does he find?

    Some gender-confused wolf

    telling him that his princess

    is already married.

    It wasn’t my fault.

    He didn’t get there in time.

    Stop the car!

    [crash]

    Harold.

    You force me to do something

    I really don’t want to do.

    [gasps] Where are we?

    Hi. Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy!

    May I take your order?

    My diet is ruined!

    I hope you’re happy. Er… okay.

    Two Renaissance Wraps,

    no mayo… chili rings…

    – I’ll have the Medieval Meal.

    – One Medieval Meal and, Harold…

    – Curly fries?

    – No, thank you.

    – Sourdough soft taco, then?

    – No, really, I’m fine.

    Your order, Fairy Godmother.

    This comes with the Medieval Meal.

    There you are, dear.

    We made a deal, Harold, and I assume

    you don’t want me to go back on my part.

    [sighs deeply] Indeed not.

    So, Fiona and Charming will be together.

    – Yes.

    – Believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best.

    Not only for your daughter…

    but for your Kingdom.

    What am I supposed to do about it?

    Use your imagination.

    [whooshing]

    [whinnies]

    Oh…

    Come on in, Your Majesty.

    [piano plays, people talk]

    I like my town

    With a little drop of poison

    Nobody knows…

    [barman belches]

    [clears throat] Excuse me.

    Do I know you?

    No, you must be mistaking me

    for someone else.

    Uh… excuse me.

    I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister.

    Ah! There you are. Right.

    You see, I need to have

    someone taken care of.

    – Who’s the guy?

    – Well, he’s not a guy, per se.

    Um… He’s an ogre.

    [crowd gasp]

    Hey, buddy, let me clue you in.

    There’s only one fellow who can handle

    a job like that, and, frankly…

    he don’t like to be disturbed.

    he don’t like to be disturbed.

    Where could I find him?

    [knock on door]

    Hello?

    Who dares enter my room?

    Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but

    I’m told you’re the one to talk to

    about an ogre problem?

    You are told correct.

    But for this, I charge

    a great deal of money.

    Would… this be enough?

    You have engaged my valuable

    services, Your Majesty.

    Just tell me where

    I can find this ogre.

    [ Eels: I Need Some Sleep]

    [snoring]

    [chimes]

    Everyone says

    I’m getting down too low

    Everyone says

    you’ve just gotta let it go

    You just gotta let it go

    I need some sleep

    Time to put the old horse down

    I’m in too deep

    And the wheels keep spinning round

    Everyone says

    you’ve just gotta let it go

    Everyone says

    you’ve just gotta let it go

    Dear Knight, I pray that you take

    this favor as a token of my gratitude.

    [plays tune]

    Dear Diary…

    Sleeping Beauty is having

    a slumber party tomorrow,

    but Dad says I can’t go.

    He never lets me out after sunset.

    Dad says I’m going away for a while.

    Must be like some finishing school.

    Mom says that when I’m old enough,

    my Prince Charming will rescue me

    from my tower

    and bring me back to my family,

    and we’ll all live

    happily ever after.

    Mrs. Fiona Charming.

    Mrs. Fiona Charming.

    Mrs. Fiona Charming.

    [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.

    [knock on door]

    Sorry. I hope I’m not

    interrupting anything.

    No, no. I was just reading a, uh…

    a scary book.

    I was hoping you’d let me apologize

    for my despicable behavior earlier.

    – Okay…

    – I don’t know what came over me.

    Do you suppose we could pretend

    it never happened and start over…

    – Look, Your Majesty, I just…

    – Please. Call me Dad.

    Dad. We both acted like ogres.

    Maybe we just need some time

    to get to know each other.

    Excellent idea! I was actually hoping

    you might join me for a morning hunt.

    A little father-son time?

    I know it would mean

    the world to Fiona.

    [sighs]

    Shall we say,

    : by the old oak?

    [birds twitter]

    [Shrek] Face it, Donkey!

    We’re lost.

    We can’t be lost. We followed

    the King’s instructions exactly.

    “Head to the

    darkest part of the woods…”

    “Past the sinister trees

    with scary-looking branches.”

    – The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!

    – We passed that three times already!

    You were the one who said

    not to stop for directions.

    Oh, great. My one chance

    to fix things up with Fiona’s dad

    and I end up lost

    in the woods with you!

    Don’t get huffy!

    I’m only trying to help.

    I know! I know.

    – I’m sorry, all right?

    – Hey, don’t worry about it.

    I just really need to make

    things work with this guy.

    Yeah, sure. Now let’s go

    bond with Daddy.

    [purring]

    [purring]

    Well, well, well, Donkey.

    I know it was kind of a tender

    moment back there, but the purring?

    What? I ain’t purring.

    Sure. What’s next? A hug?

    Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr.

    What do you think I am, some kind of a…

    Ha-ha!

    Fear me, if you dare!

    [hisses]

    Look! A little cat.

    – Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!

    – It’s a cat, Donkey.

    Come here,

    little kitty, kitty.

    Come on, little kitty. Come here.

    Oh! Come here, little kitty.

    – [screaming]

    – Whoa!

    – Hold on, Shrek! I’m coming!

    – Come on! Get it off! Get it off!

    Oh, God. Oh…

    No!

    – Look out, Shrek! Hold still!

    – Get it off!

    Shrek! Hold still!

    – Did I miss?

    – No. You got them.

    Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from…

    Puss… in Boots!

    I’ll kill that cat!

    Ah-ha-ha!

    [coughs]

    [wheezes]

    [retches]

    [coughs]

    – [chuckles] Hairball.

    – Oh! That is nasty!

    What should we do with him?

    Take the sword and neuter him.

    Give him the Bob Barker treatment.

    Oh, no! Por favor!

    Please!

    I implore you!

    It was nothing personal, Señor.

    I was doing it only for my family.

    My mother, she is sick.

    And my father lives off the garbage!

    The King offered me much in gold

    and I have a litter of brothers…

    Whoa, whoa, whoa!

    Fiona’s father paid you to do this?

    The rich King? Sí.

    [screams]

    Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing.

    Don’t feel bad. Almost everybody

    that meets you wants to kill you.

    Gee, thanks.

    Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off

    if I were some sort of Prince Charming.

    That’s what the King said.

    Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question

    was directed at me.

    Shrek, Fiona knows

    you’d do anything for her.

    Well, it’s not like

    I wouldn’t change if I could.

    I just… I just wish

    I could make her happy.

    Hold the phone…

    “Happiness.”

    “A tear drop away.”

    Donkey! Think of the saddest thing

    that’s ever happened to you!

    Aw, man, where do I begin?

    First there was the time that old farmer

    tried to sell me for some magic beans.

    Then this fool had a party and he have

    the guests trying to pin the tail on me.

    Then they got drunk and start beating me

    with a stick, going “Piñata!!”

    What is a piñata, anyway?

    No, Donkey! I need you to cry!

    Don’t go projecting on me.

    I know you’re feeling bad,

    but you got to…

    Aaaahhh!

    You little, hairy,

    litter-licking sack of…

    What? Is it on? Is it on?

    [clears throat]

    This is Fairy Godmother.

    I’m either away

    from my desk or with a client.

    But if you come by the office, we’ll be

    glad to make you an appointment.

    Have a “happy ever after.”

    Oh…

    Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?

    That’s more like it! Shrek and Donkey,

    on another whirlwind adventure!

    Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Whoo!

    We’re on the move!

    – Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.

    – Join the club. We’ve got jackets.

    On my honor, I am obliged to accompany

    you until I have saved your life

    as you have spared me mine.

    The position of annoying talking animal

    has already been taken.

    Let’s go, Shrek. Shrek?

    – Shrek!

    – Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him…

    in his wee little boots.

    You know, how many cats can wear boots?

    Honestly.

    – Let’s keep him!

    – Say what?

    [purrs]

    Ahh!

    Listen. He’s purring!

    – Oh, so now it’s cute.

    – Come on, Donkey. Lighten up.

    Lighten up? I should lighten up?

    Look who’s telling who to lighten up!

    Lighten up? I should lighten up?

    Look who’s telling who to lighten up!

    [giggles] Shrek!

    [barks]

    [barks]

    Shrek?

    They’re both festive, aren’t they?

    What do you think, Harold?

    Um… Yes, yes.

    Fine. Fine.

    [sighs]

    Try to at least pretend you’re interested

    in your daughter’s wedding ball.

    Honestly, Lillian,

    I don’t think it matters.

    How do we know there will

    even be a ball?

    Mom. Dad.

    – Oh, hello, dear.

    – What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming.

    Mom, have you seen Shrek?

    I haven’t.

    You should ask your father.

    Be sure and use small words, dear.

    He’s a little slow this morning.

    – Can I help you, Your Majesty?

    – Ah, yes! Um…

    Mmm! Exquisite.

    What do you call this dish?

    That would be the dog’s breakfast,

    Your Majesty.

    Ah, yes. Very good, then.

    Carry on, Cedric.

    – Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?

    – No, I haven’t, dear.

    I’m sure he just went off to look for

    a nice… mud hole to cool down in.

    You know, after your

    little spat last night.

    Oh. You heard that, huh?

    The whole kingdom heard you.

    I mean, after all,

    it is in his nature to be…

    well, a bit of a brute.

    Him? You know, you didn’t exactly

    roll out the Welcome Wagon.

    Well, what did you expect?

    Look at what he’s done to you.

    Shrek loves me for who I am.

    I would think you’d be happy for me.

    Darling, I’m just thinking about

    what’s best for you.

    Maybe you should do the same.

    [both whisper]

    No, really?

    [both laugh]

    [Shrek] Shh…

    Oh…

    [hooter blasts]

    Oh, no. That’s the old Keebler’s place.

    Let’s back away slowly.

    That’s the Fairy Godmother’s cottage.

    She’s the largest producer of hexes

    and potions in the whole kingdom.

    Then why don’t we pop in there

    for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell!

    [Puss in Boots

    shrieks with laughter]

    [Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh.

    Hi. I’m here to see the…

    The Fairy Godmother.

    I’m sorry. She is not in.

    Jerome!

    Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!

    [sighs]

    Yes, Fairy Godmother.

    Right away.

    Look, she’s not seeing

    any clients today, OK?

    That’s OK, buddy.

    We’re from the union.

    The union?

    We represent the workers in all magical

    industries, both evil and benign.

    Oh! Oh, right.

    Are you feeling at all

    degraded or oppressed?

    Uh… a little.

    We don’t even have dental.

    They don’t even have dental.

    Okay, we’ll just have

    a look around.

    Oh. By the way.

    I think it’d be better if the Fairy Godmother

    didn’t know we were here.

    – Know what I’m saying? Huh?

    – Huh? Huh? Huh?

    – Stop it.

    – Of course. Go right in.

    [voices and grinding machines]

    [explosion]

    A drop of desire.

    [giggles] Naughty!

    A pinch of passion.

    [laughs]

    And just a hint of…

    lust!

    [laughs]

    – [Shrek] Excuse me.

    – [gasps]

    Sorry to barge in like this…

    What in Grimm’s name

    are you doing here?

    Well, it seems

    that Fiona’s not exactly happy.

    Oh-ho-ho!

    And there’s some question

    as to why that is?

    Well, let’s explore that, shall we?

    Ah. P, P, P…

    Princess. Cinderella.

    Here we are.

    “Lived happily ever after.” Oh…

    [laughs] No ogres!

    Let’s see. Snow White.

    A handsome prince.

    Oh, no ogres.

    Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres!

    Hansel and Gretel? No!

    Thumbelina? No.

    The Golden Bird,

    the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman…

    No, no, no, no, no!

    You see, ogres don’t

    live happily ever after.

    All right, look, lady!

    Don’t you point…

    those dirty green sausages at me!

    Your Monte Cristo and coffee.

    Oh! Sorry.

    Ah… that’s okay.

    We were just leaving.

    Very sorry to have wasted your time,

    Miss Godmother.

    Just… go.

    Come on, guys.

    [whistles tune]

    TGIF, eh, buddy?

    Working hard or hardly working,

    eh, Mac?

    Get your fine Corinthian footwear

    and your cat cheeks out of my face!

    Man, that stinks!

    You don’t exactly smell like

    a basket of roses.

    – Well, one of these has got to help.

    – I was just concocting this very plan!

    Already our minds are becoming one.

    Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on

    licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call.

    Shrek, this is a bad idea.

    Look. Make yourself useful

    and go keep watch.

    Puss, do you think you

    could get to those on top?

    No problema, boss.

    In one of my nine lives,

    I was the great cat burglar

    of Santiago de Compostela.

    Ha-ha-ha-ha!

    Shrek, are you off your nut?

    Donkey, keep watch.

    Keep watch?

    Yeah, I’ll keep watch.

    I’ll watch that wicked witch come and

    whammy a world of hurt up your backside.

    I’ll laugh, too.

    I’ll be giggling to myself.

    – What do you see?

    – Toad Stool Softener?

    I’m sure a nice BM is the perfect solution

    for marital problems.

    – Elfa Seltzer?

    – Uh-uh.

    – Hex Lax?

    – No! Try “handsome.”

    Sorry. No handsome.

    Hey! How about “Happily Ever After”?

    Well, what does it do?

    It says “Beauty Divine.”

    In some cultures, donkeys are revered

    as the wisest of creatures.

    Especially us talking ones.

    [gasps] Donkey!

    That’ll have to do.

    We’ve got company.

    Can we get on with this?

    Hurry!

    Nice catch, Donkey!

    Finally! A good use for your mouth.

    [ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love]

    Come on!

    You spurn my natural emotions

    You make me feel like dirt

    and I’m hurt

    And if I start a commotion

    I run the risk of losing you

    and that’s worse

    Ever fallen in love with someone,

    ever fallen in love

    In love with someone,

    ever fallen in love

    In love with someone

    you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

    Ever fallen in love with someone,

    ever fallen in love

    In love with someone,

    ever fallen in love

    With someone

    you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

    Fallen in love with

    Ever fallen in love with someone

    you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

    I don’t care whose fault it is.

    Just get this place cleaned up!

    And somebody bring me something

    deep fried and smothered in chocolate!

    – Mother!

    – Charming. Sweetheart.

    This isn’t a good time, pumpkin.

    Mama’s working.

    Whoa, what happened here?

    – The ogre, that’s what!

    – What? Where is he, Mom?

    I shall rend his head

    from his shoulders!

    I will smite him where he stands!

    He will rue the very day he stole

    my kingdom from me!

    Oh, put it away, Junior!

    You’re still going to be king.

    We’ll just have to come up

    with something smarter.

    Pardon. Um…

    Everything is accounted for,

    Fairy Godmother, except for one potion.

    What?

    Oh…

    I do believe we can make

    this work to our advantage.

    “Happily Ever After Potion.

    Maximum strength.

    “For you and your true love.

    “If one of you drinks this,

    you both will be fine.

    “Happiness, comfort

    and beauty divine.”

    – You both will be fine?

    – I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too.

    Hey, man, this don’t feel right.

    My donkey senses are tingling all over.

    Drop that jug o’ voodoo

    and let’s get out of here.

    It says, “Beauty Divine.”

    How bad can it be?

    [sneezes]

    See, you’re allergic to that stuff.

    You’ll have a reaction.

    And if you think that I’ll be smearing

    Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!

    Boss, just in case there is something

    wrong with the potion…

    allow me to take the first sip.

    It would be an honor to lay my life

    on the line for you.

    Oh, no, no. I don’t think so.

    If there’ll be any animal testing,

    I’ll do it.

    That’s the best friend’s job.

    Now give me that bottle.

    How do you feel?

    I don’t feel any different.

    I look any different?

    You still look like an ass to me.

    Maybe it doesn’t work on donkeys.

    – Well, here’s to us, Fiona.

    – Shrek?

    – You drink that, there’s no going back.

    – I know.

    – No more wallowing in the mud?

    – I know.

    – No more itchy butt crack?

    – I know!

    – But you love being an ogre!

    – I know!

    But I love Fiona more.

    Shrek, no! Wait!

    [gurgling]

    [farts]

    Got to be… I think you grabbed

    the “Farty Ever After” potion.

    Maybe it’s a dud.

    Or maybe Fiona and I

    were never meant to be.

    Or maybe Fiona and I

    were never meant to be.

    [thunder rumbles]

    Uh-oh. What did I tell you?

    I feel something coming on.

    I don’t want to die.

    I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die!

    Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy.

    I’m melting!

    I’m melting!

    It’s just the rain, Donkey.

    [chuckles] Oh.

    Don’t worry. Things seem bad

    because it’s dark and rainy

    and Fiona’s father hired

    a sleazy hitman to whack you.

    [hisses]

    lt’ll be better in the morning.

    You’ll see…

    The sun’ll come out…

    Tomorrow

    [yawns]

    Bet your bottom…

    Bet my bottom?

    I’m coming, Elizabeth!

    Donkey?

    Are you all right?

    – Hey, boss. Let’s shave him.

    – D-Donkey?

    [groans]

    [Puss In Boots shrieks]

    There you are!

    We missed you at dinner.

    What is it, darling?

    Dad…

    I’ve been thinking

    about what you said.

    And I’m going to set things right.

    Ah! Excellent!

    That’s my girl.

    It was a mistake to bring Shrek here.

    I’m going to go out and find him.

    And then we’ll go back

    to the swamp where we belong.

    [Lillian] Fiona, please!

    Let’s not be rash, darling.

    You can’t go anywhere right now.

    [rain patters]

    [Both] Fiona!

    Look, I told you he was here.

    Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.

    [Shrek groans]

    Good morning, sleepyhead.

    [Shrek shouts]

    [All] Good morning!

    We love your kitty!

    – [Shrek] Oh… My head…

    – Here, I fetched a pail of water.

    Thanks.

    Uhh!

    Aahh!

    Oh…

    A cute button nose?

    Thick, wavy locks?

    Taut, round buttocks?

    I’m… I’m…

    – Gorgeous!

    – I’ll say.

    I’m Jill. What’s your name?

    – Um… Shrek.

    – Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe?

    – You’re tense.

    – I want to rub his shoulders.

    – I got it covered.

    – I don’t have anything to rub.

    Get in line.

    Get in line.

    – Have you seen my donkey?

    – Who are you calling donkey?

    – Donkey? You’re a…

    – A stallion, baby!

    I can whinny.

    [whinnies]

    I can count.

    Look at me, Shrek!

    I’m trotting!

    That’s some quality potion.

    What’s in that stuff?

    “Oh, don’t take the potion,

    Mr. Boss, it’s very bad.”

    Pah!

    “Warning: Side effects may include

    burning, itching, oozing, weeping.

    “Not intended for heart patients

    or those with… nervous disorders.”

    I’m trotting, I’m trotting in place! Yeah!

    What?

    Señor? “To make the effects

    of this potion permanent,

    “the drinker must obtain his

    true love’s kiss by midnight.”

    Midnight?

    Why is it always midnight?

    – Pick me! I’ll be your true love!

    – I’ll be your true love.

    I’ll be true… enough.

    Look, ladies, I already have a true love.

    [all] Oh…

    And take it from me, Boss.

    You are going to have

    one satisfied Princess.

    And let’s face it.

    You are a lot easier on the eyes.

    Inside you’re the same

    old mean, salty…

    – Easy.

    …cantankerous, foul,

    angry ogre you always been.

    And you’re still the same

    annoying donkey.

    – Yeah.

    – [sighs]

    Well…

    Look out, Princess.

    Here comes the new me.

    First things first.

    – We need to get you out of those clothes.

    – [all gasp]

    – Ready?

    – Ready!

    – [Donkey screams]

    – Driver, stop!

    Oh, God! Help me, please!

    My racing days are over!

    I’m blind! Tell the truth.

    Will I ever play the violin again?

    You poor creature!

    Is there anything

    I can do for you?

    Well, I guess there is one thing.

    Take off the powdered wig

    and step away from your drawers.

    – Not bad.

    – Not bad at all.

    [both laugh]

    Father?

    Is everything all right, Father?

    Thank you, gentlemen!

    Someday, I will repay you.

    Unless, of course,

    I can’t find you or if I forget.

    – [whinnies]

    – [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish]

    [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]

    [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]

    Oh, yeah

    Turn and face the strange

    Ch-Ch-Changes

    Don’t wanna be a richer one

    Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

    Turn and face the strange

    Ch-Ch-Changes

    Just gonna have to be

    a different man

    Time may change me

    But I can’t trace time

    Halt!

    Tell Princess Fiona her husband,

    Sir Shrek, is here to see her.

    Still don’t know what

    I was looking for

    And my time was running wild,

    a million dead-end streets

    Every time I thought

    I’d got it made

    It seemed the taste

    was not so sweet

    – [screams]

    – Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

    Turn and face the strange

    – Shrek?

    – Ch-Ch-Changes

    Don’t wanna be a richer one

    Time may change me

    But I can’t trace time

    Fiona?

    Hello, handsome.

    Shrek!

    – Princess!

    – Donkey?

    Wow! That potion

    worked on you, too?

    What potion?

    Shrek and I took some magic potion.

    And well…

    Now, we’re sexy!

    Shrek?

    [purrs]

    For you, baby… I could be.

    – Yeah, you wish.

    – Donkey, where is Shrek?

    He went inside looking for you.

    Shrek?

    Fiona! Fiona!

    You want to dance, pretty boy?

    Are you going so soon?

    Don’t you want to see your wife?

    Fiona?

    Shrek?

    Aye, Fiona. It is me.

    What happened to your voice?

    The potion changed

    a lot of things, Fiona.

    But not the way I feel about you.

    Fiona?

    – Charming?

    – Do you think so?

    [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping

    you’d approve.

    – Um… Who are you?

    – Mom, it’s me, Shrek.

    I know you never get a second chance

    at a first impression,

    but, well, what do you think?

    [Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona!

    Fiona!

    – Fiona!

    – Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho!

    Oh, shoot! I don’t think they

    can hear us, pigeon.

    [sighs deeply]

    Don’t you think you’ve already

    messed her life up enough?

    I just wanted her to be happy.

    And now she can be.

    Oh, sweetheart.

    She’s finally found

    the prince of her dreams.

    But look at me.

    Look what I’ve done for her.

    It’s time you stop living

    in a fairy tale, Shrek.

    She’s a princess,

    and you’re an ogre.

    That’s something no amount

    of potion will ever change.

    But…

    I love her.

    If you really love her…

    you’ll let her go.

    [ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good]

    [ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good]

    Shrek?

    Señor.

    What’s going on?

    Where are you going?

    You wouldn’t have had anything to do

    with this, would you, Harold?

    People just ain’t no good

    I think that’s well understood

    There you go, boys.

    Just leave the bottle, Doris.

    Hey. Why the long face?

    It was all just a stupid mistake.

    I never should have rescued her

    from that tower in the first place.

    I hate Mondays.

    I can’t believe you’d walk away from

    the best thing that happened to you.

    What choice do I have?

    She loves that pretty boy,

    Prince Charming.

    Come on. Is he really

    that good-looking?

    Are you kidding?

    He’s gorgeous!

    He has a face that looks like

    it was carved by angels.

    – Oh. He sounds dreamy.

    – You know…

    shockingly, this isn’t

    making me feel any better.

    Look, guys.

    It’s for the best.

    Mom and Dad approve,

    and Fiona gets the man

    she’s always dreamed of.

    Everybody wins.

    Except for you.

    I don’t get it, Shrek.

    You love Fiona.

    Aye.

    And that’s why

    I have to let her go.

    Excuse me, is she here?

    She’s, uh… in the back.

    Oh, hello again.

    Fairy Godmother. Charming.

    You’d better have a good reason

    for dragging us down here, Harold.

    Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really…

    warming up to Prince Charming.

    – FYI, not my fault.

    – No, of course it’s not, dear.

    I mean,

    how charming can I be

    when I have to pretend

    I’m that dreadful ogre?

    No, no, it’s nobody’s fault.

    Perhaps it’s best if we just

    call the whole thing off, okay?

    – [both] What?

    – You can’t force someone to fall in love!

    I beg to differ.

    I do it all the time!

    Have Fiona drink this and she’ll fall in love

    with the first man she kisses,

    which will be Charming.

    – Umm… no.

    – What did you say?

    I can’t. I won’t do it.

    Oh, yes, you will.

    If you remember, I helped you

    with your happily ever after.

    And I can take it away

    just as easily.

    Is that what you want? Is it?

    – No.

    – Good boy.

    Now, we have to go.

    I need to do Charming’s hair

    before the ball.

    He’s hopeless.

    He’s all high in the front.

    He can never get to the back.

    You need someone to do the back.

    Oh. Thank you, Mother.

    [Donkey] Mother?

    Um… Mary! A talking horse!

    The ogre!

    Stop them! Thieves! Bandits!

    Stop them!

    (Announcer) The abs are fab

    and it’s gluteus to the maximus

    here at tonight’s Far, Far Away

    Royal Ball blowout!

    The coaches are lined up

    as the cream of the crop pours out of them

    like Miss Muffet’s curds and whey.

    Everyone who’s anyone

    has turned out

    to honor Princess Fiona

    and Prince Shrek.

    And, oh my,

    the outfits look gorgeous!

    Look! Hansel and Gretel!

    What the heck are the crumbs for?

    And right behind them,

    Tom Thumb and Thumbelina!

    – Oh, aren’t they adorable!

    – [screaming]

    [woman] Here comes Sleeping Beauty!

    Tired old thing.

    Who’s this? Who’s this?

    Who is this?

    Oh. It’s the one, it’s the only…

    It’s the Fairy Godmother!

    Hello, Far, Far Away!

    Can I get a whoop whoop?

    May all your endings be happy and…

    Well, you know the rest!

    We’ll be right back with the Royal

    Far, Far Away Ball

    after these messages.

    I hate these ball shows.

    They bore me to tears.

    Flip over to Wheel Of Torture!

    I’m not flipping anywhere, sir,

    until I see Shrek and Fiona.

    Whizzes on you guys.

    Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing!

    No, to your left. Your left!

    – Tonight on “Knights”…

    – Now here’s a good show!

    We got a white bronco heading east

    into the forest. Requesting backup.

    It’s time to teach these madcap mammals

    their “devil may mare” attitudes

    just won’t fly.

    Why you grabbing me?

    Police brutality!

    I have to talk to Princess Fiona!

    – We warned you!

    – Ow! Ow!

    Did someone let the cat out of the bag?

    You capitalist pig dogs!

    [shrieks]

    – Catnip!

    – That’s not mine.

    Find Princess Fiona!

    I’m a donkey!

    Tell her Shrek…

    I’m her husband, Shrek!

    Quick! Rewind it!

    I’m her husband, Shrek! Ow!

    [knock on door]

    Darling?

    Ah. I thought I might

    find you here.

    How about a nice hot cup

    of tea before the ball?

    I’m not going.

    The whole Kingdom’s turned out

    to celebrate your marriage.

    There’s just one problem.

    That’s not my husband.

    I mean, look at him.

    Yes, he is a bit different,

    but people change

    for the ones they love.

    You’d be surprised how much

    I changed for your mother.

    Change?

    He’s completely lost his mind!

    Why not come down to the ball

    and give him another chance?

    You might find you like

    this new Shrek.

    But it’s the old one

    I fell in love with, Dad.

    I’d give anything to have him back.

    Darling. That’s mine. Decaf.

    Otherwise I’m up all night.

    Thanks.

    I got to get out of here!

    I got to get out of here!

    You can’t lock us up like this!

    Let me go!

    What about my Miranda rights?

    You’re supposed to say

    I have the right to remain silent.

    Nobody said I have the right

    to remain silent!

    You have the right to remain silent.

    What you lack is the capacity.

    I must hold on before I, too,

    go totally mad.

    Shrek? Donkey?

    Too late.

    Gingy! Pinocchio!

    Get us out of here!

    Oh…

    [ Theme from Mission Impossible]

    Fire in ze hole!

    [explosion, rumbling]

    Look out below!

    Quick! Tell a lie!

    – What should I say?

    – Anything, but quick!

    Say something crazy like

    “I’m wearing ladies’ underwear!”

    I am wearing ladies’ underwear.

    – Are you?

    – I most certainly am not!

    It looks like you

    most certainly am are!

    – I am not!

    – What kind?

    – It’s a thong!

    – Oww! They’re briefs!

    – Are not.

    – Are too!

    – Are not!

    – Are too!

    Here we go. Hang tight.

    [Donkey] Wait, wait, wait!

    Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey!

    Ow!

    – Excuse me?

    – What? Puss!

    Pardon me, would you

    mind letting me go?

    – Sorry, boss.

    – Quit messing around!

    We’ve got to stop that kiss!

    I thought you was going

    to let her go.

    I was, but I can’t let them

    do this to Fiona.

    Boom! That’s what I like to hear.

    Look who’s coming around!

    It’s impossible!

    We’ll never get in.

    The castle’s guarded.

    There’s a moat and everything!

    Folks, it looks like we’re up chocolate

    creek without a Popsicle stick.

    – What?

    – Do you still know the Muffin Man?

    Well, sure!

    He’s down on Drury Lane. Why?

    Because we’re gonna need flour.

    Lots and lots of flour.

    Gingy!

    Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man!

    We’ve got a big order to fill!

    [evil chuckle]

    [Gingy] It’s alive!

    [rattling]

    [gasping]

    [whinnies] Run, run, run,

    as fast you can!

    [screaming]

    Go, baby, go!

    There it is, Mongo!

    To the castle!

    [Shrek] No, you great stupid pastry!

    Come on!

    [all shout]

    [Donkey] Mongo! Down here!

    Look at the pony!

    That’s right! Follow the pretty pony!

    Pretty pony wants to play

    at the castle!

    [Mongo] Pretty pony.

    Ladies and gentlemen.

    Presenting Princess Fiona

    and her new husband, Prince Shrek.

    [applause, cheering]

    Shrek, what are you doing?

    I’m just playing the part, Fiona.

    Is that glitter on your lips?

    Mm. Cherry flavored.

    Want to taste?

    – Ugh! What is with you?

    – But, Muffin Cake…

    [piano plays]

    C Minor, put it in C Minor.

    Ladies and gentlemen.

    [applause, cheering]

    I’d like to dedicate this song to…

    Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek.

    Fiona, my Princess.

    Will you honor me with a dance?

    Where have all the good men gone

    And where are all the gods?

    [all chant] Dance!

    Where’s the streetwise Hercules

    To fight the rising odds?

    Since when do you dance?

    Fiona, my dearest,

    if there’s one thing I know,

    it’s that love is full of surprises.

    Late at night I toss and I turn

    And I dream of what I need

    Hit it!

    I need a hero

    All right, big fella!

    Let’s crash this party!

    Man the catapults!

    Aim! Fire!

    – Brace yourselves!

    – Ooh! Purty!

    [groaning]

    Not the gumdrop button!

    [enraged howling]

    Incoming!

    Ha-ha! All right!

    Somewhere after midnight

    In my wildest fantasy

    Go, Mongo! Go!

    Man the cauldrons!

    After you, Mongo.

    – That’s it! Heave-ho!

    – Watch out!

    Shrek!

    More heat, less foam!

    Up where the mountains

    Meet the heavens above

    Out where the lightning

    Splits the sea

    I could swear there is someone

    Somewhere watching me

    Heave! Ho!

    [Gingy, slow-motion] No…!

    [Mongo groans]

    [whistles] Come on!

    [cheering]

    Look out!

    – Be good.

    – [weeping bitterly]

    [sobbing] He needs me!

    Let me go!

    Donkey!

    Puss!

    Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go!

    Today, I repay my debt.

    [all] Aww…

    [growling] On guard!

    He’s gotta be strong

    And he’s gotta be fast

    And he’s gotta be fresh

    From the fight

    – I need a hero

    – Stop!

    [Donkey whinnies]

    – Hey, you! Back away from my wife.

    – Shrek?

    You couldn’t just go back to your swamp

    and leave well enough alone.

    – Now!

    – Pigs und blanket!

    Pinocchio! Get the wand!

    I see London! I see France!

    Whah!

    I’m a real boy!

    Ah! Ah! Aaahhh!

    Catch!

    Donkey!

    Oh!

    I’m a real boy. Aah!

    Oh!

    – Ha!

    – Ah.

    That’s mine!

    Pray for mercy, from Puss…

    And Donkey!

    She’s taken the potion!

    Kiss her now!

    No!

    – Hi-ya!

    – [crowd gasp]

    – Fiona.

    – Shrek.

    Harold! You were supposed

    to give her the potion!

    Well, I guess I gave her

    the wrong tea.

    – [Charming] Mommy!

    – Mommy?

    [growls] I told you.

    Ogres don’t live happily ever after.

    [screams]

    Woo!

    Ha!

    [breathes deeply]

    [gasping] Oh, Dad!

    [sobbing]

    – Is he…?

    – Yup.

    [croaking]

    He croaked.

    Harold?

    Dad?

    I’d hoped you’d never

    see me like this.

    – And he gave you a hard time!

    – Donkey!

    No, no, he’s right.

    I’m sorry.

    To both of you.

    I only wanted what

    was best for Fiona.

    But I can see now…

    she already has it.

    Shrek, Fiona…

    Will you accept

    an old frog’s apologies…

    and my blessing?

    Harold?

    I’m sorry, Lillian.

    I just wish I could be

    the man you deserve.

    You’re more that man today

    than you ever were…

    warts and all.

    [ribbits]

    [clock chimes]

    [clock chimes]

    Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion!

    Midnight!

    Fiona. Is this what you want?

    To be this way forever?

    – What?

    – Because if you kiss me now…

    we can stay like this.

    You’d do that?

    – For me?

    – Yes.

    I want what any princess wants.

    To live happily ever after…

    with the ogre I married.

    Whatever happens,

    I must not cry!

    You cannot make me cry!

    [sobbing]

    [clock chimes]

    Whoa!

    No. No, no.

    Aaah! Ow.

    Oh, no.

    [sighs]

    [laughs] Hey. You still look like

    a noble steed to me.

    [giggles] Now, where were we?

    Oh. I remember.

    [giggling]

    [applause]

    Hey! Isn’t we supposed

    to be having a fiesta?

    Uno, dos, quatro, hit it!

    [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:

    Livin’ La Vida Loca]

    [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:

    Livin’ La Vida Loca]

    Puss and Donkey, y’all…

    She’s into superstitions

    Black cats and voodoo dolls

    – Sing it, Puss!

    – I feel a premonition

    That girl’s gonna make me fall

    Here we go!

    She’s into new sensations

    New kicks in the candlelight

    She’s got a new addiction

    For every day and night

    She’ll make you take your clothes off

    And go dancing in the rain

    She’ll make you live her crazy life

    But she’ll take away your pain

    Like a bullet to your brain

    Upside inside out

    Living la vida loca

    Hey gorgeous!

    Living la vida loca

    Her lips are devil red

    And her skin’s the color of mocha

    She will wear you out

    – Living la vida loca

    – [Donkey] She livin’ it loca!

    Living la vida loca

    – [Donkey] Say it one more time now!

    – Living the vida loca

    [Puss in Boots jamming]

    [Puss in Boots]

    Hey, Donkey, that’s Spanish!

    She’ll push and pull you down

    Living la vida loca

    She will wear you out

    Living la vida loca

    Living la vida loca

    She’ll push and pull you down

    Living the vida loca

    Her lips are devil red

    And her skin’s the color of mocha

    She will wear you out

    Living la vida loca

    Living la vida loca

    Living la vida loca

    Living la vida loca

    All by myself

    All by myself

    Don’t wanna be

    All by myself anymore…

    Amigo, we are off

    to the Kit-Kat Club.

    Come on, join us.

    Thanks, compadre.

    I’m… I’m not in the mood.

    We will cheer you up!

    Find you a nice burro!

    [shrieking]

    Hey, baby!

    Hey, that’s my girl!

    Yeah! All right!

    Baby, where you been?

    – [cries]

    – I’m sorry, too.

    I should’ve stayed.

    But Shrek had this thing he had to do.

    What? Say it one more time.

    What you talking about?

    Are you serious?

    – [cooing]

    – [gasping]

    – Papa!

    – [screaming]

    – [cooing, squealing]

    – [chuckling]

    Look at our little mutant babies!

    [Donkey] I got to get a job.

    [Donkey] I got to get a job.

  29. Avatar
    Comrade

    BYELARUSFILM|MOSFILM
    Are you crazy? What the shit?
    What the hell are you doing?
    You playing games?
    Who are you playing with?
    With whom? You’re digging?
    You’re digging again!
    All right, go on digging, bastards!
    You goddamn bastards!
    So you are hiding?
    But you can’t hide anymore!
    They’ll find you even underground.|They’ll get you!
    Come out! Do as I told you!
    Come on, get out!
    It’s you I’m talking to!
    Do this, do that!|Wipe your ass with your fingers!
    Ordering me around like|another Flemish idiot!
    That’s what I used to be,|now I’m a German idiot!
    We’ll see about this.
    You won’t obey your uncle,|you’ll obey a strong stick!
    Get up!
    They’re hiding,|shitting cans!
    The pioneers of hiding!
    You’re only good for one thing:|milking goats or slopping pigs!
    You laughing?|You won’t laugh for long.
    Enough!|The good times are over.
    You’II learn your lesson!
    What are you sitting here for?|Go work, or I fuck your mutter!
    Byelorussia, 1943
    Go on, dig! Without any guns,|they won’t let us join.
    Nothing around here.
    And where have I got mine?|I didn’t buy it in a store.
    It’s not for me you’re digging.|I’m ready to go!
    Hello? Is this Berlin?
    So, you did it? Your pants are full,|right?
    What did I tell you?
    COME AND SEE
    Screenplay by|A. ADAMOVICH, E. KLIMOV
    Directed by|E. KLIMOV
    Director of Photography|A. RODIONOV
    Production Designer|V. PETROV
    Music by O. YANCHENKO|Sound by V. MORS
    Starring
    A. KRAVCHENKO, O. MIRONOVA|L.LAUTSYAVICHUS, V.BAGDONAS
    Yu. LUMISTE, V. LORENTZ|K. RABETSKY, Ye. TILICHEYEV
    Music by Mozart|was used in the film
    Oh, sonny…
    Oh, sonny…
    How will you explain it to your|dad when he returns?
    He will come back|and find nobody here.
    Have pity on yourself.
    If you can’t have any pity for me,|then have pity for them.
    For the love of God…
    Have you no heart?
    Stop talking like that, mom.|They’re all going, I can’t stay here.
    What are you doing?
    Then kill all of us, right now.|Why wait?
    Go on, kill them!|Kill all of us!
    You’re not going anywhere!|You’re not going!
    Mother!
    Hello there.|Or should I say good morning?
    Right. Your weapon, where is it?
    – Where’s your weapon?|- It’s right here.
    And who are these two?|Twins?
    That’s right, twins.
    Out of the same litter.
    The sun’s nearly up.
    Shall we go?
    Not yet.|When they put the cows out.
    We want a crowd to watch.
    Take these, sonny.|They will make you warm.
    With us, he’ll stay warm.
    Don’t you worry,|we’ll see that he’s alright.
    He’ll be like in a pioneer camp.
    Buttermilk… Take what you like.
    Got something stronger?|Milk with a little kick?
    If I’d known you wanted to drink…
    We never do.|Only on holidays.
    And at funerals.
    We maintain discipline. Our commander|is a career officer.
    Kossatch! That’s the man, alright.
    You come too close, he’ll make you go|away. You go away, he’ll get you.
    – Remember Bobok?|- What Bobok?
    The one who was half deaf.
    He wanted to sleep on guard duty.|Kossatch didn’t bother to wake him up.
    Enough of that!
    Woke up or didn’t, it doesn’t matter.
    Makes you laugh, eh?
    Women here like to sleep late.|Why are you standing? Sit down!
    We don’t have time to sit here.|If they catch us, that’ll be the end.
    One day I was sitting so good|that now I never sit down.
    Know what I mean, mother?|A shrapneI, as big as a fist!
    You may laugh,|but it was right here.
    What’s the matter with those cows?
    A couple of rounds in the air|would wake them.
    Women! Get’em out!
    Alright, let’s go!
    Why are you taking him away?
    Get a good breath of air.
    Milked or not, get’em out!
    Where are you taking him?
    He’s a good boy,|he hurts nobody!
    He’s always polite!
    Good people! Who could throw|a stone at such a boy?!
    – What are you doing?|- Keep your hands off!
    Come, say goodbye to your brother.
    Here, hold the bird.|And don’t move!
    Out of the way!
    Out of the way!
    Look.
    It’s Yustin, mayor of the village.|Idiot!
    I don’t understand.
    My little Fliora! My son!
    My son!
    Hello, everybody!
    Hello.
    Just keep going, lad, keep going.
    Why rip it off with the skin?
    What are you doing?|I’m still alive!
    Nurse, water…
    Hello.
    Go on, move!
    – Hello.|- Hello.
    Who is the last one?
    Don’t sit in the Major’s chair!
    All of you, shut up!
    Close up a little!|And you, look forward!
    What’s that? You call it your face?|Look at your comrade’s face!
    Ah, what a suit!|Over here.
    You’II lie down right here.
    Like that.|Don’t take your suit off yet.
    Hey, you cow!
    WE’D RATHER EAT YOU|THAN LET THE ENEMY GET YOU
    Make room for the cow!
    Hurry up, Perekhod! We ain’t got|all day!
    I’ve got only one sheet of film.|This is the last one, so hold it.
    Our father is here!
    Quiet down! I’m ready.
    Look at this man. He put on|a new suit and he stays still.
    Let’s make a trade.|I took it from a live guy.
    Ah, our Chief. Welcome, Comrade.
    Will you give us a picture?
    Rise up, our country wide and great,
    Rise up for a deadly fight
    With fascists daring to invade,
    With black hordes of the night.
    Let our noble wrath swell on,
    Like a big and surging wave.
    The people’s war is going on,
    Our sacred war of faith.
    Who is there?
    Password.
    Password!
    – Are you new?|- Yeah.
    – Your name?|- Gaishoun. Third squad.
    – Why didn’t you shoot?|- I recognized you, Comrade Commander.
    Whenever a man doesn’t stop or say|the password, shoot!
    Yes, only…
    No excuses.|Extra duty as a punishment.
    Thanks.
    – Where is he?|- Who? Password!
    – Where’d he go?|- Password, I said!
    That damned owI again!
    Go to sleep. Your watch is up.
    …in the immediate proximity|of the enemy…
    are fulfilling their duty day and|night…
    And today I got two notes,
    Very cryptically drawn.
    Every line contained just dots,
    For me to guess it on my own.
    How am I to find|What is on his mind…
    Ivan, come here!
    I’m going to tell you the truth.|This will be a hard time for us.
    Old partisans know only too well|what a siege means.
    It means Hitler’s “all-out war”.
    His objective is to exterminate|all of us.
    Our duty is to defend to the end|every territory
    that the High Command|has put into our hands.
    But the situation is complicated,
    and it’s going to change every|moment.
    So we must be vigilant.
    You have a weapon in your hands|and a head on your shoulders.
    Or, as our Commander says,
    to live and never say “What the heck”|is not my way.
    I’ve said it before, I’ll say it|again:
    A partisan never asks how many|fascists are there?
    No. He asks, “Where are the fascists?”
    Well, right now, they are here,|on our soiI.
    Every one of you|helps decide
    how long this war will last.
    We won’t have any cowards here.
    Not one of you is going to be|a coward.
    Their main weapon is fear.
    They want to make slaves of you,|just bugs, to crush you down.
    They’re the ones who are going|to be scared of us! No mercy to them!
    They don’t deserve any.
    We’ll all be asked one day|what we did here.
    Any wounded or sick?|Any who can’t march alone?
    There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
    We have to organize a reserve|station in any case.
    – No wounded or sick!|- No one playing tricks!
    You see, my boots are no good at all.
    Swap boots with the new one.|He’s staying behind.
    All sections, by fours, fall in|and follow me, forward march!
    Move it! Move it!
    You heard the commander?|Come on, sit down.
    Let’s go, men!|Don’t fall behind!
    What’s your name?
    Fliora.
    And your first name?
    That’s it, Fliora. Florian.|And yours?
    Rose. Rose of the kolkhoze!|Ever hear that one?
    Tell me, how did you get here?
    They deported me to Germany.|But here I am!
    They rescued you? Kossatch did?
    I want to ask you, Rose, you were|all dressed up over there. Why?
    Where was that?
    This morning, in front of the men.|I couldn’t get it, Rose, really.
    My name is Glasha. Glafira.
    You understand now, idiot?
    – What’s wrong?|- And what’s wrong with you? Fliora!
    Just exactly what are you doing|here?
    What, they took pity on the little|one, leaving you here?
    Kossatch took pity on you?
    Pity?
    Yes, pity!
    They’ll be lucky if I take pity|on them!
    He can pity, yes, he can.
    Only it makes him cry in his sleep.
    Kossatch? Cries in his sleep?
    He won’t last long.|I’m telling you that.
    You’re Iying! Filthy liar!
    Liar!
    Why don’t you say something?
    Why won’t you see me?
    I’m right here…
    I exist…
    Here I am.
    You’re not living.|You don’t hear birds singing.
    You’re deaf and blind.
    Here I am… here…
    I want to love.
    I want to have children…|Do you hear?
    I can do anything for you, anything!
    Do you want me to get blown up?
    Don’t do that.
    You idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
    I’m carrying 60 ammunition rounds,|a grenade, an automatic rifle.
    I’m here to fight,|and you treat me like an imbecile.
    Kossatch! I’m not Kossatch!
    Are you crazy or what?
    What are you doing?
    What’s got into you?
    Fliora, Fliora,|little silly Fliora!
    Did I shock you, boy?
    Not again!
    Don’t be angry.
    Are you starting again?
    What’s that?
    It must be the beavers howling.|I guess, I broke their dam.
    Everybody’s howling today.
    Look.
    That’s the one that’s always flying.
    – Want me to shoot it down?|- Hey, don’t! Give it back!
    One…
    Two, three…
    Glasha…
    Glasha.
    Come on, hurry! Hurry!
    Glasha.
    Tomorrow, Mom is going to be|reaI happy.
    I’ll hide all of us.
    I know where.
    You’ll see my funny sisters.
    Then we’ll find Kossatch’s|detachment.
    Wait a minute.
    Mom!
    They’re not here. It’s alright.|Sit down.
    They’re gone.
    Still warm. That’s great.
    Eat. Mom made it.
    I know where they are. Let’s go.
    What an idiot!
    Let’s go!
    That’s where they all are.
    Come on, let’s go!
    It’s right down here. Let’s run!
    They’re here!
    They’ve gone to the island!|They’re here!
    Glasha!
    They’re back there, not here!
    No, they’re not here!|They’re dead!
    They were all killed!|All of them! Dead!
    They’re not! They’re here!
    Glasha!
    His family have all been killed!
    He’s led me into the bogs!
    He’s deaf!|He’s crazy!
    He’s gone mad! He can’t hear!
    He’s taking me to the bogs!
    His whole family have been killed!
    Fliora, my dear child!|They killed your mother and sisters!
    Didn’t I tell you…
    Didn’t I tell you not to dig…
    Dead to the last one…
    To the very last one…
    Poured gasoline over me…
    I burned…
    I ran… I caught up with them…
    I begged them…
    to kill me…
    They just laughed…
    Didn’t I tell you not to dig?
    Fliora!
    Alright?
    Why do you give him a nose?|He got syphilis.
    – Yes, and only one arm.|- And no balls.
    Yeah, his dong was already ripped off|in the last war.
    If you capture him,|what would you do to him?
    We once caught a horse thief.
    And our men put him bare-ass|on an ant hill!
    Even better, his bare ass on a red-hot|skillet that ain’t been greased!
    Ask the women|what to do with him.
    Shall I stick the ears on?
    Go ahead, let him hear all|we say about him.
    You got very soft hair.
    Soft like a baby’s hair.
    Now he’s ready.|Isn’t that right?
    Cover him with shit!
    Where am I going to get it,|with everybody going hungry?
    – At least rip out his tongue.|- Put warts on him!
    I’ve made five of them already.
    – Have you finished, guys?|- That’s it. He’s ready.
    This one’s not going to do any more|shouting! Let’s go!
    Bastard! Son of a whore!
    We’ll bring it back. Don’t worry.
    When we come back, it’ll be yours.
    Why are you making a sick guy|of him? He’s pretty strong.
    You can go along, if you want.|To hunt, the wolf walks on his paws.
    I know where there’s a nice little|warehouse. Come on!
    Dear sons,|you won’t abandon us?
    What do you think we are,|degenerates?
    What do you want us to bring you?|You orderjust like at the canteen.
    – Bread!|- Salt!
    – Milk, please!|- Potatoes!
    Get us some bread,|that’d be a hell of a good thing.
    You never knew it would end up|like this. You couldn’t know.
    Fliora, look at me.
    Go on, tell him that we’ll be waiting.
    No. It’s all my fault.
    Big, round and bright.
    They can see us a mile away|on a night like this.
    Hey, you frog, stop your croaking!
    Go on, you runners! You’re not|snuggling in a woman’s tits tonight.
    Carry me, if you’re so smart!
    Well? Was that your big warehouse|attack?
    Oh, my legs!|Why don’t you carry my ass?
    How could I know they’d be here?
    Went for a booty,|came back robbed.
    It serves you right, you good-for-|nothings!
    You got your mouths watering!|A warehouse!
    Why the hell did you drag that psycho|along?
    The Germans were right behind us.|They tried to take him away.
    If it hadn’t been for him,|we wouldn’t all be here.
    You’d be back in Bobruisk,|in your kerosene shop.
    Gleb would be|in his Leningrad swamp.
    You know, back home in Slutsk, we had|a guy who made vodka out of soap.
    What are you always laughing at?
    They asked a guy with a hump:|”How come your back’s all round?”
    He says: “That’s ’cause my chest|caves in!”
    – You’re a hopeless optimist.|- He should be cured of that.
    As for crying, there’s already enough|crying in the world.
    So she says, “If I’d known all that,|I’d never have given birth to you. ”
    Charge it!
    This guy ain’t going to holler|no more!
    Come on, hurry!
    Don’t tickle me, or my fart|is going to flatten Europe!
    The deviI is not so black|as his SS shits.
    I’d like to watch that!
    Right. Let’s go.
    If you’re so generous,|why don’t you drop tobacco!
    “Kill the Bolshevik kikes.
    Smash a brick in their ugly mugs. ”
    That’s all?
    Sent planes to deliverjust that?
    Hey, Jews!
    Stand up! March on!
    Well? Shall we try one more time?
    Or like Roubej says, “Stay right on|my heels as trouble won’t be far”.
    Do we go?
    Maybe we’ll wait till night?
    Back there, people are starving,|and we’re doing nothing.
    Go on! Move! The Germans are|in a hurry! Don’t slow’em down!
    Damn!
    Let’s go! Come on!
    Where you going?
    There you are. We haven’t seen|you for a while.
    How can we manage without you?
    The only reason you fly over us|is to drop your little gifts.
    How about a motorcycle|with a side-car?
    Haven’t ridden in one|for a long time!
    Get down!
    They get drunk up there,|and we return the empties!
    Hold it, dad.|You’ll finish it later.
    Who is it?.. Who’s there?..
    – Quiet! Are you in the police?|- And who are you, guys?
    Button up, you’ll catch cold.|Is this village Kamenka?
    No, no. This is Bagoushovka.
    The Germans have been here|two days already.
    – Is the cow-shed locked?|- No.
    You’re going to lead us out, along|with the cow. Got that, dad?
    And don’t try any tricks.|You’ll get us out and run back.
    Be quick about it. Just be naturaI.
    Yes, alright. If I have to, I have to.
    I like men with common sense.|Fliora, are you awake?
    Your doors squeak.|Better grease’em.
    How come the Germans didn’t kill|the dogs? It’s not right.
    You’re white and your cow, too.|What’ll we cover you with?
    – I’ll get something in the house.|- A rifle, maybe?
    That’s a trick you can pull on my|neighbor. His name’s “Idiot”.
    There’s horse manure.|Roll in it.
    What’s your rank in the police?
    No, I’m not in the police!|It’s the defensive brigade.
    Let’s go now, and quick! Wouldn’t|want your wife start missing you.
    Go on!
    Don’t turn around, or you’ll fall.
    Crouch down.
    Now you go back.
    Back home. Got it?
    And keep your mouth shut.|You tell nobody.
    Get going! Run!
    Or your old lady’ll bawI you out!
    I wonder what our dad’s doing now?
    He took a little walk|to do his business.
    He had a nice pair of boots on.|Box-calf leather.
    Maybe he’s looking for us,|wants to trade his boots for mine?
    Nice cow, good one, stay here.
    Hold still!
    Hold still, my dear.
    Go on, milk her!
    We’ll get drunk, you and me.|That’s the good life!
    Uncle Roubej!
    Ho, giddup! Giddup, ho!
    Hey, what are you doing?|What are you doing, comrade?
    I got no time to waste talking|with you!
    You got a hatchet? There’s meat.|A cow’s been killed there!
    Hey, wait! It’s my horse|you’re taking!
    There’re kids, a lot of people|starving to death!
    And us, ain’t we people, too?
    People are fighting,|and you stay nice and warm inside.
    Look what they did!
    See what they did?
    Easy, boy, take it easy.
    You crazy or what?
    Put it all in there.
    The belt, the jacket…|Hide it in there.
    Go on, hurry!
    Oh, such a thing!
    – What village is that?|- Perekhody.
    – We got two families with that name.|- You’ll be a Perekhod, too. Got it?
    We had one like you who got drowned.|You’ll be him.
    What was his name?
    You got a mother, you got sisters|and brothers.
    Olga, Katka, Fedia, and little Sonia.|You remember it all.
    Your mother’s name is Fiokla Perekhod.
    And your name is Zhenka.|You got it?
    Let’s get out of here.
    This morning, I insulted|a German soldier.
    And where’s my father?
    – Say he’s gone.|- Gone where?
    Where? Hell! What does it matter?|Come with me.
    Say you’re Mitrophane,|my grandson. You got it?
    This is my family.|Aksinya Perekhod, my daughter-in-law…
    my sister and her children.
    – And who’s that?|- My son-in-law. He’s an accountant.
    Those are my sister’s children,|Lima, Raya,
    Zoika, Vika, Veronica,|and little Boris.
    Get down!|Search the houses!
    We came to see you…
    These are our neighbors, Maria and|her kids, Lucia, Frosia, Fenya, Ivan.
    We know what they want. They’ll|take some and deport them to Germany.
    Who are they going to take? You?
    Come in. Everything’s fine.
    You go and look on the roof.
    Quiet… quiet.
    Do you speak German?
    Me? Yes. Do you speak it, too?
    Do you speak German, too?
    Sit down.
    Please, eat.
    You take all you want, Sir.
    What have you got here?
    Oh, partisan!
    They put up resistance not far from|here.
    Why are you drinking alone?|Pour some for me, too.
    Please, schnapps.
    Inhabitants of the village of|Perekhody!
    Inhabitants of the village of|Perekhody!
    Everybody in the village!|Listen attentively!
    You all take children|and your papers.
    Go to the village square.
    We look at papers of all families|and lists…
    …and how German Army authorities’|orders are being followed.
    You must have all documents
    proving delivery of|agriculture products.
    No one is to stay in house,|in barn,
    in cellar, on roof or in attic…
    Wait! Where are you running?|They’re going to slaughter you!
    What are you staring at?|Look down, bastard!
    I’m going to kill him!
    Take something to eat|for two days.
    Bring all children…
    …Maintain order and discipline…
    Germany is… civilized country.
    Everyone who goes to Germany
    must have a toothbrush,
    toothpaste, shoe-polish, soap,
    a toweI for every member of a family.
    To take fruits and vegetables|is forbidden
    in order not to infect Europe.
    I, the officer of|sanitary inspection,
    ascertain that the cause of death|was seven bullets
    that got stuck|in the upper thorax.
    Anyone who won’t follow|the orders of the German Army
    will meet the same|miserable fate.
    Herr Major, everything is fine!
    Sturmbanfuhrer, everything’s ready.
    Do we invite them in?|Will there be any signaI?
    Damn it! Bugger those bastards!
    Welcome, my dear friends!
    We caught a yid!
    This kike bastard wasn’t smart enough|not to get caught!
    Dirty Jew!
    Grab him!
    Let me out! What are you doing,|bastards? I’m one of you!
    Quiet!
    Now, we’re starting our village|meeting.
    If anybody got anything to say,|go ahead and sign in!
    What are they doing there?
    Quiet down!
    Get out without children.
    Right here, out of the window.
    Leave the children.
    Come on, move it!
    Beasts!
    Come on, get out.
    Have you heard that he’s taken up|command of a division?
    That’s great! Don’t you think so?
    Let go!
    What a picture!
    I’ll kill you!
    To the right.
    Look! Empty! Empty!
    Ah, piss-ass clerks, that’s what|you are! The intelligentsia!
    More gasoline.|Let it soak through.
    Get up! Lead the cows!
    You! March!|Go! Faster!
    Faster, you bastard!
    Petro, want some honey?
    We’II leave you here, grandma…|to reproduce!
    You make all of us some children.
    To love… to have children…
    Out of the way!
    Move! Out of the way!
    Wait!
    Are you all crazy?!
    You want to just kill them?..|Just like that?
    They’re all SS! Punitive detachment!|They lit the fire. We’re not Germans!
    Sit down!
    They made us do everything.
    Bastards! I lost my children|in that burning hell!
    Rank and unit?
    Walter Stein, SD Major.|15th Einsatzkommando.
    That’s the fuhrer.|He gave all the orders.
    He’s an old, sick man.
    He never did any harm to anyone.
    He is,
    like his father was,|a man of principle.
    He… he never harbored|any hatred of your people.
    He’s never killed anyone,|he wouldn’t kill a fly.
    Everyone here can confirm that,|and he hopes they will.
    He’s just a tired, old man.|”I want to quit. ”
    That’s what he’s saying.
    He wants to take care of his grand-|children. He’s got grandkids like you.
    But this is war time, and it’s|nobody’s fault, this German says.
    Swine! Dog!
    A typicaI German!
    Bastard! Shit!
    He’s the one…
    He’s the one who said: “Leave|the children.
    You can come out,|but not the children”.
    He’s a fascist! Executioner!
    Yes, I said that: “Come out|and leave the children”.
    Translate it.
    I said that because with the children|it starts all over again.
    You’ve got no right to be.
    Not every race|has a right to exist.
    Listen!
    Everyone, listen!
    Inferior races|spread the contagion of communism.
    You have no right to be.
    And our mission will be accomplished.
    If not today, tomorrow.
    It isn’t me. He’s the one who said it!
    We’re not Germans!|We’re not Germans!
    We won’t do it again!|Forgive us!
    We’re not Germans!
    Not Germans! You’ve forgotten|what these dogs did?!
    They’re degenerates! They should be|killed! But we’re not Germans…
    Then who are you, you filthy slime?
    They made us do it!
    We’re not Germans!|We’re not Germans!
    Death to the fascist bastards!|Make them pay! Kill them!
    You’ll do that yourself.|And you’ll pay like the Germans.
    Give it to me! Give it!
    I’m one of you!
    Brothers, I’m one of you!
    Comrade, let’s light it!|Comrade, let me have a torch!
    Out of the way!
    The new one!
    Come on, we’re going!
    WERE BURNT TO THE GROUND|WITH ALL THEIR INHABITANTS
    Move it! Let’s go!
    The End

    More Movie Scripts | Request a Movie Transcript

    BYELARUSFILM|MOSFILM
    Are you crazy? What the shit?
    What the hell are you doing?
    You playing games?
    Who are you playing with?
    With whom? You’re digging?
    You’re digging again!
    All right, go on digging, bastards!
    You goddamn bastards!
    So you are hiding?
    But you can’t hide anymore!
    They’ll find you even underground.|They’ll get you!
    Come out! Do as I told you!
    Come on, get out!
    It’s you I’m talking to!
    Do this, do that!|Wipe your ass with your fingers!
    Ordering me around like|another Flemish idiot!
    That’s what I used to be,|now I’m a German idiot!
    We’ll see about this.
    You won’t obey your uncle,|you’ll obey a strong stick!
    Get up!
    They’re hiding,|shitting cans!
    The pioneers of hiding!
    You’re only good for one thing:|milking goats or slopping pigs!
    You laughing?|You won’t laugh for long.
    Enough!|The good times are over.
    You’II learn your lesson!
    What are you sitting here for?|Go work, or I fuck your mutter!
    Byelorussia, 1943
    Go on, dig! Without any guns,|they won’t let us join.
    Nothing around here.
    And where have I got mine?|I didn’t buy it in a store.
    It’s not for me you’re digging.|I’m ready to go!
    Hello? Is this Berlin?
    So, you did it? Your pants are full,|right?
    What did I tell you?
    COME AND SEE
    Screenplay by|A. ADAMOVICH, E. KLIMOV
    Directed by|E. KLIMOV
    Director of Photography|A. RODIONOV
    Production Designer|V. PETROV
    Music by O. YANCHENKO|Sound by V. MORS
    Starring
    A. KRAVCHENKO, O. MIRONOVA|L.LAUTSYAVICHUS, V.BAGDONAS
    Yu. LUMISTE, V. LORENTZ|K. RABETSKY, Ye. TILICHEYEV
    Music by Mozart|was used in the film
    Oh, sonny…
    Oh, sonny…
    How will you explain it to your|dad when he returns?
    He will come back|and find nobody here.
    Have pity on yourself.
    If you can’t have any pity for me,|then have pity for them.
    For the love of God…
    Have you no heart?
    Stop talking like that, mom.|They’re all going, I can’t stay here.
    What are you doing?
    Then kill all of us, right now.|Why wait?
    Go on, kill them!|Kill all of us!
    You’re not going anywhere!|You’re not going!
    Mother!
    Hello there.|Or should I say good morning?
    Right. Your weapon, where is it?
    – Where’s your weapon?|- It’s right here.
    And who are these two?|Twins?
    That’s right, twins.
    Out of the same litter.
    The sun’s nearly up.
    Shall we go?
    Not yet.|When they put the cows out.
    We want a crowd to watch.
    Take these, sonny.|They will make you warm.
    With us, he’ll stay warm.
    Don’t you worry,|we’ll see that he’s alright.
    He’ll be like in a pioneer camp.
    Buttermilk… Take what you like.
    Got something stronger?|Milk with a little kick?
    If I’d known you wanted to drink…
    We never do.|Only on holidays.
    And at funerals.
    We maintain discipline. Our commander|is a career officer.
    Kossatch! That’s the man, alright.
    You come too close, he’ll make you go|away. You go away, he’ll get you.
    – Remember Bobok?|- What Bobok?
    The one who was half deaf.
    He wanted to sleep on guard duty.|Kossatch didn’t bother to wake him up.
    Enough of that!
    Woke up or didn’t, it doesn’t matter.
    Makes you laugh, eh?
    Women here like to sleep late.|Why are you standing? Sit down!
    We don’t have time to sit here.|If they catch us, that’ll be the end.
    One day I was sitting so good|that now I never sit down.
    Know what I mean, mother?|A shrapneI, as big as a fist!
    You may laugh,|but it was right here.
    What’s the matter with those cows?
    A couple of rounds in the air|would wake them.
    Women! Get’em out!
    Alright, let’s go!
    Why are you taking him away?
    Get a good breath of air.
    Milked or not, get’em out!
    Where are you taking him?
    He’s a good boy,|he hurts nobody!
    He’s always polite!
    Good people! Who could throw|a stone at such a boy?!
    – What are you doing?|- Keep your hands off!
    Come, say goodbye to your brother.
    Here, hold the bird.|And don’t move!
    Out of the way!
    Out of the way!
    Look.
    It’s Yustin, mayor of the village.|Idiot!
    I don’t understand.
    My little Fliora! My son!
    My son!
    Hello, everybody!
    Hello.
    Just keep going, lad, keep going.
    Why rip it off with the skin?
    What are you doing?|I’m still alive!
    Nurse, water…
    Hello.
    Go on, move!
    – Hello.|- Hello.
    Who is the last one?
    Don’t sit in the Major’s chair!
    All of you, shut up!
    Close up a little!|And you, look forward!
    What’s that? You call it your face?|Look at your comrade’s face!
    Ah, what a suit!|Over here.
    You’II lie down right here.
    Like that.|Don’t take your suit off yet.
    Hey, you cow!
    WE’D RATHER EAT YOU|THAN LET THE ENEMY GET YOU
    Make room for the cow!
    Hurry up, Perekhod! We ain’t got|all day!
    I’ve got only one sheet of film.|This is the last one, so hold it.
    Our father is here!
    Quiet down! I’m ready.
    Look at this man. He put on|a new suit and he stays still.
    Let’s make a trade.|I took it from a live guy.
    Ah, our Chief. Welcome, Comrade.
    Will you give us a picture?
    Rise up, our country wide and great,
    Rise up for a deadly fight
    With fascists daring to invade,
    With black hordes of the night.
    Let our noble wrath swell on,
    Like a big and surging wave.
    The people’s war is going on,
    Our sacred war of faith.
    Who is there?
    Password.
    Password!
    – Are you new?|- Yeah.
    – Your name?|- Gaishoun. Third squad.
    – Why didn’t you shoot?|- I recognized you, Comrade Commander.
    Whenever a man doesn’t stop or say|the password, shoot!
    Yes, only…
    No excuses.|Extra duty as a punishment.
    Thanks.
    – Where is he?|- Who? Password!
    – Where’d he go?|- Password, I said!
    That damned owI again!
    Go to sleep. Your watch is up.
    …in the immediate proximity|of the enemy…
    are fulfilling their duty day and|night…
    And today I got two notes,
    Very cryptically drawn.
    Every line contained just dots,
    For me to guess it on my own.
    How am I to find|What is on his mind…
    Ivan, come here!
    I’m going to tell you the truth.|This will be a hard time for us.
    Old partisans know only too well|what a siege means.
    It means Hitler’s “all-out war”.
    His objective is to exterminate|all of us.
    Our duty is to defend to the end|every territory
    that the High Command|has put into our hands.
    But the situation is complicated,
    and it’s going to change every|moment.
    So we must be vigilant.
    You have a weapon in your hands|and a head on your shoulders.
    Or, as our Commander says,
    to live and never say “What the heck”|is not my way.
    I’ve said it before, I’ll say it|again:
    A partisan never asks how many|fascists are there?
    No. He asks, “Where are the fascists?”
    Well, right now, they are here,|on our soiI.
    Every one of you|helps decide
    how long this war will last.
    We won’t have any cowards here.
    Not one of you is going to be|a coward.
    Their main weapon is fear.
    They want to make slaves of you,|just bugs, to crush you down.
    They’re the ones who are going|to be scared of us! No mercy to them!
    They don’t deserve any.
    We’ll all be asked one day|what we did here.
    Any wounded or sick?|Any who can’t march alone?
    There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
    We have to organize a reserve|station in any case.
    – No wounded or sick!|- No one playing tricks!
    You see, my boots are no good at all.
    Swap boots with the new one.|He’s staying behind.
    All sections, by fours, fall in|and follow me, forward march!
    Move it! Move it!
    You heard the commander?|Come on, sit down.
    Let’s go, men!|Don’t fall behind!
    What’s your name?
    Fliora.
    And your first name?
    That’s it, Fliora. Florian.|And yours?
    Rose. Rose of the kolkhoze!|Ever hear that one?
    Tell me, how did you get here?
    They deported me to Germany.|But here I am!
    They rescued you? Kossatch did?
    I want to ask you, Rose, you were|all dressed up over there. Why?
    Where was that?
    This morning, in front of the men.|I couldn’t get it, Rose, really.
    My name is Glasha. Glafira.
    You understand now, idiot?
    – What’s wrong?|- And what’s wrong with you? Fliora!
    Just exactly what are you doing|here?
    What, they took pity on the little|one, leaving you here?
    Kossatch took pity on you?
    Pity?
    Yes, pity!
    They’ll be lucky if I take pity|on them!
    He can pity, yes, he can.
    Only it makes him cry in his sleep.
    Kossatch? Cries in his sleep?
    He won’t last long.|I’m telling you that.
    You’re Iying! Filthy liar!
    Liar!
    Why don’t you say something?
    Why won’t you see me?
    I’m right here…
    I exist…
    Here I am.
    You’re not living.|You don’t hear birds singing.
    You’re deaf and blind.
    Here I am… here…
    I want to love.
    I want to have children…|Do you hear?
    I can do anything for you, anything!
    Do you want me to get blown up?
    Don’t do that.
    You idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
    I’m carrying 60 ammunition rounds,|a grenade, an automatic rifle.
    I’m here to fight,|and you treat me like an imbecile.
    Kossatch! I’m not Kossatch!
    Are you crazy or what?
    What are you doing?
    What’s got into you?
    Fliora, Fliora,|little silly Fliora!
    Did I shock you, boy?
    Not again!
    Don’t be angry.
    Are you starting again?
    What’s that?
    It must be the beavers howling.|I guess, I broke their dam.
    Everybody’s howling today.
    Look.
    That’s the one that’s always flying.
    – Want me to shoot it down?|- Hey, don’t! Give it back!
    One…
    Two, three…
    Glasha…
    Glasha.
    Come on, hurry! Hurry!
    Glasha.
    Tomorrow, Mom is going to be|reaI happy.
    I’ll hide all of us.
    I know where.
    You’ll see my funny sisters.
    Then we’ll find Kossatch’s|detachment.
    Wait a minute.
    Mom!
    They’re not here. It’s alright.|Sit down.
    They’re gone.
    Still warm. That’s great.
    Eat. Mom made it.
    I know where they are. Let’s go.
    What an idiot!
    Let’s go!
    That’s where they all are.
    Come on, let’s go!
    It’s right down here. Let’s run!
    They’re here!
    They’ve gone to the island!|They’re here!
    Glasha!
    They’re back there, not here!
    No, they’re not here!|They’re dead!
    They were all killed!|All of them! Dead!
    They’re not! They’re here!
    Glasha!
    His family have all been killed!
    He’s led me into the bogs!
    He’s deaf!|He’s crazy!
    He’s gone mad! He can’t hear!
    He’s taking me to the bogs!
    His whole family have been killed!
    Fliora, my dear child!|They killed your mother and sisters!
    Didn’t I tell you…
    Didn’t I tell you not to dig…
    Dead to the last one…
    To the very last one…
    Poured gasoline over me…
    I burned…
    I ran… I caught up with them…
    I begged them…
    to kill me…
    They just laughed…
    Didn’t I tell you not to dig?
    Fliora!
    Alright?
    Why do you give him a nose?|He got syphilis.
    – Yes, and only one arm.|- And no balls.
    Yeah, his dong was already ripped off|in the last war.
    If you capture him,|what would you do to him?
    We once caught a horse thief.
    And our men put him bare-ass|on an ant hill!
    Even better, his bare ass on a red-hot|skillet that ain’t been greased!
    Ask the women|what to do with him.
    Shall I stick the ears on?
    Go ahead, let him hear all|we say about him.
    You got very soft hair.
    Soft like a baby’s hair.
    Now he’s ready.|Isn’t that right?
    Cover him with shit!
    Where am I going to get it,|with everybody going hungry?
    – At least rip out his tongue.|- Put warts on him!
    I’ve made five of them already.
    – Have you finished, guys?|- That’s it. He’s ready.
    This one’s not going to do any more|shouting! Let’s go!
    Bastard! Son of a whore!
    We’ll bring it back. Don’t worry.
    When we come back, it’ll be yours.
    Why are you making a sick guy|of him? He’s pretty strong.
    You can go along, if you want.|To hunt, the wolf walks on his paws.
    I know where there’s a nice little|warehouse. Come on!
    Dear sons,|you won’t abandon us?
    What do you think we are,|degenerates?
    What do you want us to bring you?|You orderjust like at the canteen.
    – Bread!|- Salt!
    – Milk, please!|- Potatoes!
    Get us some bread,|that’d be a hell of a good thing.
    You never knew it would end up|like this. You couldn’t know.
    Fliora, look at me.
    Go on, tell him that we’ll be waiting.
    No. It’s all my fault.
    Big, round and bright.
    They can see us a mile away|on a night like this.
    Hey, you frog, stop your croaking!
    Go on, you runners! You’re not|snuggling in a woman’s tits tonight.
    Carry me, if you’re so smart!
    Well? Was that your big warehouse|attack?
    Oh, my legs!|Why don’t you carry my ass?
    How could I know they’d be here?
    Went for a booty,|came back robbed.
    It serves you right, you good-for-|nothings!
    You got your mouths watering!|A warehouse!
    Why the hell did you drag that psycho|along?
    The Germans were right behind us.|They tried to take him away.
    If it hadn’t been for him,|we wouldn’t all be here.
    You’d be back in Bobruisk,|in your kerosene shop.
    Gleb would be|in his Leningrad swamp.
    You know, back home in Slutsk, we had|a guy who made vodka out of soap.
    What are you always laughing at?
    They asked a guy with a hump:|”How come your back’s all round?”
    He says: “That’s ’cause my chest|caves in!”
    – You’re a hopeless optimist.|- He should be cured of that.
    As for crying, there’s already enough|crying in the world.
    So she says, “If I’d known all that,|I’d never have given birth to you. ”
    Charge it!
    This guy ain’t going to holler|no more!
    Come on, hurry!
    Don’t tickle me, or my fart|is going to flatten Europe!
    The deviI is not so black|as his SS shits.
    I’d like to watch that!
    Right. Let’s go.
    If you’re so generous,|why don’t you drop tobacco!
    “Kill the Bolshevik kikes.
    Smash a brick in their ugly mugs. ”
    That’s all?
    Sent planes to deliverjust that?
    Hey, Jews!
    Stand up! March on!
    Well? Shall we try one more time?
    Or like Roubej says, “Stay right on|my heels as trouble won’t be far”.
    Do we go?
    Maybe we’ll wait till night?
    Back there, people are starving,|and we’re doing nothing.
    Go on! Move! The Germans are|in a hurry! Don’t slow’em down!
    Damn!
    Let’s go! Come on!
    Where you going?
    There you are. We haven’t seen|you for a while.
    How can we manage without you?
    The only reason you fly over us|is to drop your little gifts.
    How about a motorcycle|with a side-car?
    Haven’t ridden in one|for a long time!
    Get down!
    They get drunk up there,|and we return the empties!
    Hold it, dad.|You’ll finish it later.
    Who is it?.. Who’s there?..
    – Quiet! Are you in the police?|- And who are you, guys?
    Button up, you’ll catch cold.|Is this village Kamenka?
    No, no. This is Bagoushovka.
    The Germans have been here|two days already.
    – Is the cow-shed locked?|- No.
    You’re going to lead us out, along|with the cow. Got that, dad?
    And don’t try any tricks.|You’ll get us out and run back.
    Be quick about it. Just be naturaI.
    Yes, alright. If I have to, I have to.
    I like men with common sense.|Fliora, are you awake?
    Your doors squeak.|Better grease’em.
    How come the Germans didn’t kill|the dogs? It’s not right.
    You’re white and your cow, too.|What’ll we cover you with?
    – I’ll get something in the house.|- A rifle, maybe?
    That’s a trick you can pull on my|neighbor. His name’s “Idiot”.
    There’s horse manure.|Roll in it.
    What’s your rank in the police?
    No, I’m not in the police!|It’s the defensive brigade.
    Let’s go now, and quick! Wouldn’t|want your wife start missing you.
    Go on!
    Don’t turn around, or you’ll fall.
    Crouch down.
    Now you go back.
    Back home. Got it?
    And keep your mouth shut.|You tell nobody.
    Get going! Run!
    Or your old lady’ll bawI you out!
    I wonder what our dad’s doing now?
    He took a little walk|to do his business.
    He had a nice pair of boots on.|Box-calf leather.
    Maybe he’s looking for us,|wants to trade his boots for mine?
    Nice cow, good one, stay here.
    Hold still!
    Hold still, my dear.
    Go on, milk her!
    We’ll get drunk, you and me.|That’s the good life!
    Uncle Roubej!
    Ho, giddup! Giddup, ho!
    Hey, what are you doing?|What are you doing, comrade?
    I got no time to waste talking|with you!
    You got a hatchet? There’s meat.|A cow’s been killed there!
    Hey, wait! It’s my horse|you’re taking!
    There’re kids, a lot of people|starving to death!
    And us, ain’t we people, too?
    People are fighting,|and you stay nice and warm inside.
    Look what they did!
    See what they did?
    Easy, boy, take it easy.
    You crazy or what?
    Put it all in there.
    The belt, the jacket…|Hide it in there.
    Go on, hurry!
    Oh, such a thing!
    – What village is that?|- Perekhody.
    – We got two families with that name.|- You’ll be a Perekhod, too. Got it?
    We had one like you who got drowned.|You’ll be him.
    What was his name?
    You got a mother, you got sisters|and brothers.
    Olga, Katka, Fedia, and little Sonia.|You remember it all.
    Your mother’s name is Fiokla Perekhod.
    And your name is Zhenka.|You got it?
    Let’s get out of here.
    This morning, I insulted|a German soldier.
    And where’s my father?
    – Say he’s gone.|- Gone where?
    Where? Hell! What does it matter?|Come with me.
    Say you’re Mitrophane,|my grandson. You got it?
    This is my family.|Aksinya Perekhod, my daughter-in-law…
    my sister and her children.
    – And who’s that?|- My son-in-law. He’s an accountant.
    Those are my sister’s children,|Lima, Raya,
    Zoika, Vika, Veronica,|and little Boris.
    Get down!|Search the houses!
    We came to see you…
    These are our neighbors, Maria and|her kids, Lucia, Frosia, Fenya, Ivan.
    We know what they want. They’ll|take some and deport them to Germany.
    Who are they going to take? You?
    Come in. Everything’s fine.
    You go and look on the roof.
    Quiet… quiet.
    Do you speak German?
    Me? Yes. Do you speak it, too?
    Do you speak German, too?
    Sit down.
    Please, eat.
    You take all you want, Sir.
    What have you got here?
    Oh, partisan!
    They put up resistance not far from|here.
    Why are you drinking alone?|Pour some for me, too.
    Please, schnapps.
    Inhabitants of the village of|Perekhody!
    Inhabitants of the village of|Perekhody!
    Everybody in the village!|Listen attentively!
    You all take children|and your papers.
    Go to the village square.
    We look at papers of all families|and lists…
    …and how German Army authorities’|orders are being followed.
    You must have all documents
    proving delivery of|agriculture products.
    No one is to stay in house,|in barn,
    in cellar, on roof or in attic…
    Wait! Where are you running?|They’re going to slaughter you!
    What are you staring at?|Look down, bastard!
    I’m going to kill him!
    Take something to eat|for two days.
    Bring all children…
    …Maintain order and discipline…
    Germany is… civilized country.
    Everyone who goes to Germany
    must have a toothbrush,
    toothpaste, shoe-polish, soap,
    a toweI for every member of a family.
    To take fruits and vegetables|is forbidden
    in order not to infect Europe.
    I, the officer of|sanitary inspection,
    ascertain that the cause of death|was seven bullets
    that got stuck|in the upper thorax.
    Anyone who won’t follow|the orders of the German Army
    will meet the same|miserable fate.
    Herr Major, everything is fine!
    Sturmbanfuhrer, everything’s ready.
    Do we invite them in?|Will there be any signaI?
    Damn it! Bugger those bastards!
    Welcome, my dear friends!
    We caught a yid!
    This kike bastard wasn’t smart enough|not to get caught!
    Dirty Jew!
    Grab him!
    Let me out! What are you doing,|bastards? I’m one of you!
    Quiet!
    Now, we’re starting our village|meeting.
    If anybody got anything to say,|go ahead and sign in!
    What are they doing there?
    Quiet down!
    Get out without children.
    Right here, out of the window.
    Leave the children.
    Come on, move it!
    Beasts!
    Come on, get out.
    Have you heard that he’s taken up|command of a division?
    That’s great! Don’t you think so?
    Let go!
    What a picture!
    I’ll kill you!
    To the right.
    Look! Empty! Empty!
    Ah, piss-ass clerks, that’s what|you are! The intelligentsia!
    More gasoline.|Let it soak through.
    Get up! Lead the cows!
    You! March!|Go! Faster!
    Faster, you bastard!
    Petro, want some honey?
    We’II leave you here, grandma…|to reproduce!
    You make all of us some children.
    To love… to have children…
    Out of the way!
    Move! Out of the way!
    Wait!
    Are you all crazy?!
    You want to just kill them?..|Just like that?
    They’re all SS! Punitive detachment!|They lit the fire. We’re not Germans!
    Sit down!
    They made us do everything.
    Bastards! I lost my children|in that burning hell!
    Rank and unit?
    Walter Stein, SD Major.|15th Einsatzkommando.
    That’s the fuhrer.|He gave all the orders.
    He’s an old, sick man.
    He never did any harm to anyone.
    He is,
    like his father was,|a man of principle.
    He… he never harbored|any hatred of your people.
    He’s never killed anyone,|he wouldn’t kill a fly.
    Everyone here can confirm that,|and he hopes they will.
    He’s just a tired, old man.|”I want to quit. ”
    That’s what he’s saying.
    He wants to take care of his grand-|children. He’s got grandkids like you.
    But this is war time, and it’s|nobody’s fault, this German says.
    Swine! Dog!
    A typicaI German!
    Bastard! Shit!
    He’s the one…
    He’s the one who said: “Leave|the children.
    You can come out,|but not the children”.
    He’s a fascist! Executioner!
    Yes, I said that: “Come out|and leave the children”.
    Translate it.
    I said that because with the children|it starts all over again.
    You’ve got no right to be.
    Not every race|has a right to exist.
    Listen!
    Everyone, listen!
    Inferior races|spread the contagion of communism.
    You have no right to be.
    And our mission will be accomplished.
    If not today, tomorrow.
    It isn’t me. He’s the one who said it!
    We’re not Germans!|We’re not Germans!
    We won’t do it again!|Forgive us!
    We’re not Germans!
    Not Germans! You’ve forgotten|what these dogs did?!
    They’re degenerates! They should be|killed! But we’re not Germans…
    Then who are you, you filthy slime?
    They made us do it!
    We’re not Germans!|We’re not Germans!
    Death to the fascist bastards!|Make them pay! Kill them!
    You’ll do that yourself.|And you’ll pay like the Germans.
    Give it to me! Give it!
    I’m one of you!
    Brothers, I’m one of you!
    Comrade, let’s light it!|Comrade, let me have a torch!
    Out of the way!
    The new one!
    Come on, we’re going!
    WERE BURNT TO THE GROUND|WITH ALL THEIR INHABITANTS
    Move it! Let’s go!
    The End

  30. Avatar
    uwussr

    Comrade, steel production is down
    I said comrade, you must sleep on the ground I said comrade, cause youre in new gulag There’s no need to be capitalist!

    Comrade, there’s a place you can go
    I said comrade, where everybody shares dough You must stay here, and I’m sure that we’ll find Many ways to maximize your productivity

    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!

    They have everything for laborer to make You can hang out with all
    The Bolsheviks

    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!

    You can cleanse yourself of filth You can eat the borscht
    You can do whatever state requires

    Comrade, are you listen to Stalin?
    I said Comrade, do you hear KGB callin?
    I said comrade, you can make real Marx’s dreams But you must know this one thing

    No man, does it all by himself
    I said comrade, put your individualism on the shelf And just go there, to the USSR
    I’m sure you can help the revolution
    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!

    They have everything for laborer to make You can hang out with all the Bolsheviks

    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
    It’s fun to stay at the USSR!

  31. Avatar
    shia lebooof

    Bee Movie Script – Dialogue Transcript

    According to all known laws
    of aviation,

    there is no way a bee
    should be able to fly.

    Its wings are too small to get
    its fat little body off the ground.

    The bee, of course, flies anyway

    because bees don’t care
    what humans think is impossible.

    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
    Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

    Ooh, black and yellow!
    Let’s shake it up a little.

    Barry! Breakfast is ready!

    Ooming!

    Hang on a second.

    Hello?

    – Barry?
    – Adam?

    – Oan you believe this is happening?
    – I can’t. I’ll pick you up.

    Looking sharp.

    Use the stairs. Your father
    paid good money for those.

    Sorry. I’m excited.

    Here’s the graduate.
    We’re very proud of you, son.

    A perfect report card, all B’s.

    Very proud.

    Ma! I got a thing going here.

    – You got lint on your fuzz.
    – Ow! That’s me!

    – Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.
    – Bye!

    Barry, I told you,
    stop flying in the house!

    – Hey, Adam.
    – Hey, Barry.

    – Is that fuzz gel?
    – A little. Special day, graduation.

    Never thought I’d make it.

    Three days grade school,
    three days high school.

    Those were awkward.

    Three days college. I’m glad I took
    a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

    You did come back different.

    – Hi, Barry.
    – Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

    – Hear about Frankie?
    – Yeah.

    – You going to the funeral?
    – No, I’m not going.

    Everybody knows,
    sting someone, you die.

    Don’t waste it on a squirrel.
    Such a hothead.

    I guess he could have
    just gotten out of the way.

    I love this incorporating
    an amusement park into our day.

    That’s why we don’t need vacations.

    Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
    under the circumstances.

    – Well, Adam, today we are men.
    – We are!

    – Bee-men.
    – Amen!

    Hallelujah!

    Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

    please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

    Welcome, New Hive Oity
    graduating class of…

    …9:15.

    That concludes our ceremonies.

    And begins your career
    at Honex Industries!

    Will we pick ourjob today?

    I heard it’s just orientation.

    Heads up! Here we go.

    Keep your hands and antennas
    inside the tram at all times.

    – Wonder what it’ll be like?
    – A little scary.

    Welcome to Honex,
    a division of Honesco

    and a part of the Hexagon Group.

    This is it!

    Wow.

    Wow.

    We know that you, as a bee,
    have worked your whole life

    to get to the point where you
    can work for your whole life.

    Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
    Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

    Our top-secret formula

    is automatically color-corrected,
    scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

    into this soothing sweet syrup

    with its distinctive
    golden glow you know as…

    Honey!

    – That girl was hot.
    – She’s my cousin!

    – She is?
    – Yes, we’re all cousins.

    – Right. You’re right.
    – At Honex, we constantly strive

    to improve every aspect
    of bee existence.

    These bees are stress-testing
    a new helmet technology.

    – What do you think he makes?
    – Not enough.

    Here we have our latest advancement,
    the Krelman.

    – What does that do?
    – Oatches that little strand of honey

    that hangs after you pour it.
    Saves us millions.

    Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

    Of course. Most bee jobs are
    small ones. But bees know

    that every small job,
    if it’s done well, means a lot.

    But choose carefully

    because you’ll stay in the job
    you pick for the rest of your life.

    The same job the rest of your life?
    I didn’t know that.

    What’s the difference?

    You’ll be happy to know that bees,
    as a species, haven’t had one day off

    in 27 million years.

    So you’ll just work us to death?

    We’ll sure try.

    Wow! That blew my mind!

    “What’s the difference?”
    How can you say that?

    One job forever?
    That’s an insane choice to have to make.

    I’m relieved. Now we only have
    to make one decision in life.

    But, Adam, how could they
    never have told us that?

    Why would you question anything?
    We’re bees.

    We’re the most perfectly
    functioning society on Earth.

    You ever think maybe things
    work a little too well here?

    Like what? Give me one example.

    I don’t know. But you know
    what I’m talking about.

    Please clear the gate.
    Royal Nectar Force on approach.

    Wait a second. Oheck it out.

    – Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
    – Wow.

    I’ve never seen them this close.

    They know what it’s like
    outside the hive.

    Yeah, but some don’t come back.

    – Hey, Jocks!
    – Hi, Jocks!

    You guys did great!

    You’re monsters!
    You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

    – I wonder where they were.
    – I don’t know.

    Their day’s not planned.

    Outside the hive, flying who knows
    where, doing who knows what.

    You can’tjust decide to be a Pollen
    Jock. You have to be bred for that.

    Right.

    Look. That’s more pollen
    than you and I will see in a lifetime.

    It’s just a status symbol.
    Bees make too much of it.

    Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it
    and the ladies see you wearing it.

    Those ladies?
    Aren’t they our cousins too?

    Distant. Distant.

    Look at these two.

    – Oouple of Hive Harrys.
    – Let’s have fun with them.

    It must be dangerous
    being a Pollen Jock.

    Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
    against a mushroom!

    He had a paw on my throat,
    and with the other, he was slapping me!

    – Oh, my!
    – I never thought I’d knock him out.

    What were you doing during this?

    Trying to alert the authorities.

    I can autograph that.

    A little gusty out there today,
    wasn’t it, comrades?

    Yeah. Gusty.

    We’re hitting a sunflower patch
    six miles from here tomorrow.

    – Six miles, huh?
    – Barry!

    A puddle jump for us,
    but maybe you’re not up for it.

    – Maybe I am.
    – You are not!

    We’re going 0900 at J-Gate.

    What do you think, buzzy-boy?
    Are you bee enough?

    I might be. It all depends
    on what 0900 means.

    Hey, Honex!

    Dad, you surprised me.

    You decide what you’re interested in?

    – Well, there’s a lot of choices.
    – But you only get one.

    Do you ever get bored
    doing the same job every day?

    Son, let me tell you about stirring.

    You grab that stick, and you just
    move it around, and you stir it around.

    You get yourself into a rhythm.
    It’s a beautiful thing.

    You know, Dad,
    the more I think about it,

    maybe the honey field
    just isn’t right for me.

    You were thinking of what,
    making balloon animals?

    That’s a bad job
    for a guy with a stinger.

    Janet, your son’s not sure
    he wants to go into honey!

    – Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
    – I’m not trying to be funny.

    You’re not funny! You’re going
    into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

    – You’re gonna be a stirrer?
    – No one’s listening to me!

    Wait till you see the sticks I have.

    I could say anything right now.
    I’m gonna get an ant tattoo!

    Let’s open some honey and celebrate!

    Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax.
    Shave my antennae.

    Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
    a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!

    I’m so proud.

    – We’re starting work today!
    – Today’s the day.

    Oome on! All the good jobs
    will be gone.

    Yeah, right.

    Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
    stirrer, front desk, hair removal…

    – Is it still available?
    – Hang on. Two left!

    One of them’s yours! Oongratulations!
    Step to the side.

    – What’d you get?
    – Picking crud out. Stellar!

    Wow!

    Oouple of newbies?

    Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

    Make your choice.

    – You want to go first?
    – No, you go.

    Oh, my. What’s available?

    Restroom attendant’s open,
    not for the reason you think.

    – Any chance of getting the Krelman?
    – Sure, you’re on.

    I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

    Wax monkey’s always open.

    The Krelman opened up again.

    What happened?

    A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
    He’s dead. Another dead one.

    Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

    Dead from the neck up.
    Dead from the neck down. That’s life!

    Oh, this is so hard!

    Heating, cooling,
    stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

    humming, inspector number seven,
    lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

    mite wrangler. Barry, what
    do you think I should… Barry?

    Barry!

    All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch
    in quadrant nine…

    What happened to you?
    Where are you?

    – I’m going out.
    – Out? Out where?

    – Out there.
    – Oh, no!

    I have to, before I go
    to work for the rest of my life.

    You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello?

    Another call coming in.

    If anyone’s feeling brave,
    there’s a Korean deli on 83rd

    that gets their roses today.

    Hey, guys.

    – Look at that.
    – Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday?

    Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted.

    It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up.

    Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

    Sign here, here. Just initial that.

    – Thank you.
    – OK.

    You got a rain advisory today,

    and as you all know,
    bees cannot fly in rain.

    So be careful. As always,
    watch your brooms,

    hockey sticks, dogs,
    birds, bears and bats.

    Also, I got a couple of reports
    of root beer being poured on us.

    Murphy’s in a home because of it,
    babbling like a cicada!

    – That’s awful.
    – And a reminder for you rookies,

    bee law number one,
    absolutely no talking to humans!

    All right, launch positions!

    Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
    buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

    Black and yellow!

    Hello!

    You ready for this, hot shot?

    Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

    Wind, check.

    – Antennae, check.
    – Nectar pack, check.

    – Wings, check.
    – Stinger, check.

    Scared out of my shorts, check.

    OK, ladies,

    let’s move it out!

    Pound those petunias,
    you striped stem-suckers!

    All of you, drain those flowers!

    Wow! I’m out!

    I can’t believe I’m out!

    So blue.

    I feel so fast and free!

    Box kite!

    Wow!

    Flowers!

    This is Blue Leader.
    We have roses visual.

    Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

    Roses!

    30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

    Stand to the side, kid.
    It’s got a bit of a kick.

    That is one nectar collector!

    – Ever see pollination up close?
    – No, sir.

    I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
    over here. Maybe a dash over there,

    a pinch on that one.
    See that? It’s a little bit of magic.

    That’s amazing. Why do we do that?

    That’s pollen power. More pollen, more
    flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

    Oool.

    I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow.
    Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those?

    Oopy that visual.

    Wait. One of these flowers
    seems to be on the move.

    Say again? You’re reporting
    a moving flower?

    Affirmative.

    That was on the line!

    This is the coolest. What is it?

    I don’t know, but I’m loving this color.

    It smells good.
    Not like a flower, but I like it.

    Yeah, fuzzy.

    Ohemical-y.

    Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby.

    My sweet lord of bees!

    Oandy-brain, get off there!

    Problem!

    – Guys!
    – This could be bad.

    Affirmative.

    Very close.

    Gonna hurt.

    Mama’s little boy.

    You are way out of position, rookie!

    Ooming in at you like a missile!

    Help me!

    I don’t think these are flowers.

    – Should we tell him?
    – I think he knows.

    What is this?!

    Match point!

    You can start packing up, honey,
    because you’re about to eat it!

    Yowser!

    Gross.

    There’s a bee in the car!

    – Do something!
    – I’m driving!

    – Hi, bee.
    – He’s back here!

    He’s going to sting me!

    Nobody move. If you don’t move,
    he won’t sting you. Freeze!

    He blinked!

    Spray him, Granny!

    What are you doing?!

    Wow… the tension level
    out here is unbelievable.

    I gotta get home.

    Oan’t fly in rain.

    Oan’t fly in rain.

    Oan’t fly in rain.

    Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

    Ken, could you close
    the window please?

    Ken, could you close
    the window please?

    Oheck out my new resume.
    I made it into a fold-out brochure.

    You see? Folds out.

    Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this.

    What was that?

    Maybe this time. This time. This time.
    This time! This time! This…

    Drapes!

    That is diabolical.

    It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special
    skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

    What’s number one? Star Wars?

    Nah, I don’t go for that…

    …kind of stuff.

    No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them.
    They’re out of their minds.

    When I leave a job interview, they’re
    flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say.

    There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out.

    I don’t remember the sun
    having a big 75 on it.

    I predicted global warming.

    I could feel it getting hotter.
    At first I thought it was just me.

    Wait! Stop! Bee!

    Stand back. These are winter boots.

    Wait!

    Don’t kill him!

    You know I’m allergic to them!
    This thing could kill me!

    Why does his life have
    less value than yours?

    Why does his life have any less value
    than mine? Is that your statement?

    I’m just saying all life has value. You
    don’t know what he’s capable of feeling.

    My brochure!

    There you go, little guy.

    I’m not scared of him.
    It’s an allergic thing.

    Put that on your resume brochure.

    My whole face could puff up.

    Make it one of your special skills.

    Knocking someone out
    is also a special skill.

    Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

    – Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
    – Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

    – You could put carob chips on there.
    – Bye.

    – Supposed to be less calories.
    – Bye.

    I gotta say something.

    She saved my life.
    I gotta say something.

    All right, here it goes.

    Nah.

    What would I say?

    I could really get in trouble.

    It’s a bee law.
    You’re not supposed to talk to a human.

    I can’t believe I’m doing this.

    I’ve got to.

    Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on!

    No. Yes. No.

    Do it. I can’t.

    How should I start it?
    “You like jazz?” No, that’s no good.

    Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

    Hi!

    I’m sorry.

    – You’re talking.
    – Yes, I know.

    You’re talking!

    I’m so sorry.

    No, it’s OK. It’s fine.
    I know I’m dreaming.

    But I don’t recall going to bed.

    Well, I’m sure this
    is very disconcerting.

    This is a bit of a surprise to me.
    I mean, you’re a bee!

    I am. And I’m not supposed
    to be doing this,

    but they were all trying to kill me.

    And if it wasn’t for you…

    I had to thank you.
    It’s just how I was raised.

    That was a little weird.

    – I’m talking with a bee.
    – Yeah.

    I’m talking to a bee.
    And the bee is talking to me!

    I just want to say I’m grateful.
    I’ll leave now.

    – Wait! How did you learn to do that?
    – What?

    The talking thing.

    Same way you did, I guess.
    “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.

    – That’s very funny.
    – Yeah.

    Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh,
    we’d cry with what we have to deal with.

    Anyway…

    Oan I…

    …get you something?
    – Like what?

    I don’t know. I mean…
    I don’t know. Ooffee?

    I don’t want to put you out.

    It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes.

    – It’s just coffee.
    – I hate to impose.

    – Don’t be ridiculous!
    – Actually, I would love a cup.

    Hey, you want rum cake?

    – I shouldn’t.
    – Have some.

    – No, I can’t.
    – Oome on!

    I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms.

    – Where?
    – These stripes don’t help.

    You look great!

    I don’t know if you know
    anything about fashion.

    Are you all right?

    No.

    He’s making the tie in the cab
    as they’re flying up Madison.

    He finally gets there.

    He runs up the steps into the church.
    The wedding is on.

    And he says, “Watermelon?
    I thought you said Guatemalan.

    Why would I marry a watermelon?”

    Is that a bee joke?

    That’s the kind of stuff we do.

    Yeah, different.

    So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

    About work? I don’t know.

    I want to do my part for the hive,
    but I can’t do it the way they want.

    I know how you feel.

    – You do?
    – Sure.

    My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
    a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

    – Really?
    – My only interest is flowers.

    Our new queen was just elected
    with that same campaign slogan.

    Anyway, if you look…

    There’s my hive right there. See it?

    You’re in Sheep Meadow!

    Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond!

    No way! I know that area.
    I lost a toe ring there once.

    – Why do girls put rings on their toes?
    – Why not?

    – It’s like putting a hat on your knee.
    – Maybe I’ll try that.

    – You all right, ma’am?
    – Oh, yeah. Fine.

    Just having two cups of coffee!

    Anyway, this has been great.
    Thanks for the coffee.

    Yeah, it’s no trouble.

    Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did,
    I’d be up the rest of my life.

    Are you…?

    Oan I take a piece of this with me?

    Sure! Here, have a crumb.

    – Thanks!
    – Yeah.

    All right. Well, then…
    I guess I’ll see you around.

    Or not.

    OK, Barry.

    And thank you
    so much again… for before.

    Oh, that? That was nothing.

    Well, not nothing, but… Anyway…

    This can’t possibly work.

    He’s all set to go.
    We may as well try it.

    OK, Dave, pull the chute.

    – Sounds amazing.
    – It was amazing!

    It was the scariest,
    happiest moment of my life.

    Humans! I can’t believe
    you were with humans!

    Giant, scary humans!
    What were they like?

    Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

    They eat crazy giant things.
    They drive crazy.

    – Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
    – Some of them. But some of them don’t.

    – How’d you get back?
    – Poodle.

    You did it, and I’m glad. You saw
    whatever you wanted to see.

    You had your “experience.” Now you
    can pick out yourjob and be normal.

    – Well…
    – Well?

    Well, I met someone.

    You did? Was she Bee-ish?

    – A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
    – No, no, no, not a wasp.

    – Spider?
    – I’m not attracted to spiders.

    I know it’s the hottest thing,
    with the eight legs and all.

    I can’t get by that face.

    So who is she?

    She’s… human.

    No, no. That’s a bee law.
    You wouldn’t break a bee law.

    – Her name’s Vanessa.
    – Oh, boy.

    She’s so nice. And she’s a florist!

    Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist!

    We’re not dating.

    You’re flying outside the hive, talking
    to humans that attack our homes

    with power washers and M-80s!
    One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

    She saved my life!
    And she understands me.

    This is over!

    Eat this.

    This is not over! What was that?

    – They call it a crumb.
    – It was so stingin’ stripey!

    And that’s not what they eat.
    That’s what falls off what they eat!

    – You know what a Oinnabon is?
    – No.

    It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting.
    They heat it up…

    Sit down!

    …really hot!
    – Listen to me!

    We are not them! We’re us.
    There’s us and there’s them!

    Yes, but who can deny
    the heart that is yearning?

    There’s no yearning.
    Stop yearning. Listen to me!

    You have got to start thinking bee,
    my friend. Thinking bee!

    – Thinking bee.
    – Thinking bee.

    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    There he is. He’s in the pool.

    You know what your problem is, Barry?

    I gotta start thinking bee?

    How much longer will this go on?

    It’s been three days!
    Why aren’t you working?

    I’ve got a lot of big life decisions
    to think about.

    What life? You have no life!
    You have no job. You’re barely a bee!

    Would it kill you
    to make a little honey?

    Barry, come out.
    Your father’s talking to you.

    Martin, would you talk to him?

    Barry, I’m talking to you!

    You coming?

    Got everything?

    All set!

    Go ahead. I’ll catch up.

    Don’t be too long.

    Watch this!

    Vanessa!

    – We’re still here.
    – I told you not to yell at him.

    He doesn’t respond to yelling!

    – Then why yell at me?
    – Because you don’t listen!

    I’m not listening to this.

    Sorry, I’ve gotta go.

    – Where are you going?
    – I’m meeting a friend.

    A girl? Is this why you can’t decide?

    Bye.

    I just hope she’s Bee-ish.

    They have a huge parade
    of flowers every year in Pasadena?

    To be in the Tournament of Roses,
    that’s every florist’s dream!

    Up on a float, surrounded
    by flowers, crowds cheering.

    A tournament. Do the roses
    compete in athletic events?

    No. All right, I’ve got one.
    How come you don’t fly everywhere?

    It’s exhausting. Why don’t you
    run everywhere? It’s faster.

    Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
    All right, your turn.

    TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
    That’s insane!

    You don’t have that?

    We have Hivo, but it’s a disease.
    It’s a horrible, horrible disease.

    Oh, my.

    Dumb bees!

    You must want to sting all those jerks.

    We try not to sting.
    It’s usually fatal for us.

    So you have to watch your temper.

    Very carefully.
    You kick a wall, take a walk,

    write an angry letter and throw it out.
    Work through it like any emotion:

    Anger, jealousy, lust.

    Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

    Yeah.

    – What is wrong with you?!
    – It’s a bug.

    He’s not bothering anybody.
    Get out of here, you creep!

    What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular?

    Yeah, it was. How did you know?

    It felt like about 10 pages.
    Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

    You’ve really got that
    down to a science.

    – I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
    – I’ll bet.

    What in the name
    of Mighty Hercules is this?

    How did this get here?
    Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

    Ray Liotta Private Select?

    – Is he that actor?
    – I never heard of him.

    – Why is this here?
    – For people. We eat it.

    You don’t have
    enough food of your own?

    – Well, yes.
    – How do you get it?

    – Bees make it.
    – I know who makes it!

    And it’s hard to make it!

    There’s heating, cooling, stirring.
    You need a whole Krelman thing!

    – It’s organic.
    – It’s our-ganic!

    It’s just honey, Barry.

    Just what?!

    Bees don’t know about this!
    This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

    You’ve taken our homes, schools,
    hospitals! This is all we have!

    And it’s on sale?!
    I’m getting to the bottom of this.

    I’m getting to the bottom
    of all of this!

    Hey, Hector.

    – You almost done?
    – Almost.

    He is here. I sense it.

    Well, I guess I’ll go home now

    and just leave this nice honey out,
    with no one around.

    You’re busted, box boy!

    I knew I heard something.
    So you can talk!

    I can talk.
    And now you’ll start talking!

    Where you getting the sweet stuff?
    Who’s your supplier?

    I don’t understand.
    I thought we were friends.

    The last thing we want
    to do is upset bees!

    You’re too late! It’s ours now!

    You, sir, have crossed
    the wrong sword!

    You, sir, will be lunch
    for my iguana, Ignacio!

    Where is the honey coming from?

    Tell me where!

    Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

    Orazy person!

    What horrible thing has happened here?

    These faces, they never knew
    what hit them. And now

    they’re on the road to nowhere!

    Just keep still.

    What? You’re not dead?

    Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
    that moves. Where you headed?

    To Honey Farms.
    I am onto something huge here.

    I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood,
    crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

    I’m going to Tacoma.

    – And you?
    – He really is dead.

    All right.

    Uh-oh!

    – What is that?!
    – Oh, no!

    – A wiper! Triple blade!
    – Triple blade?

    Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee!

    Why does everything have
    to be so doggone clean?!

    How much do you people need to see?!

    Open your eyes!
    Stick your head out the window!

    From NPR News in Washington,
    I’m Oarl Kasell.

    But don’t kill no more bugs!

    – Bee!
    – Moose blood guy!!

    – You hear something?
    – Like what?

    Like tiny screaming.

    Turn off the radio.

    Whassup, bee boy?

    Hey, Blood.

    Just a row of honey jars,
    as far as the eye could see.

    Wow!

    I assume wherever this truck goes
    is where they’re getting it.

    I mean, that honey’s ours.

    – Bees hang tight.
    – We’re all jammed in.

    It’s a close community.

    Not us, man. We on our own.
    Every mosquito on his own.

    – What if you get in trouble?
    – You a mosquito, you in trouble.

    Nobody likes us. They just smack.
    See a mosquito, smack, smack!

    At least you’re out in the world.
    You must meet girls.

    Mosquito girls try to trade up,
    get with a moth, dragonfly.

    Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito.

    You got to be kidding me!

    Mooseblood’s about to leave
    the building! So long, bee!

    – Hey, guys!
    – Mooseblood!

    I knew I’d catch y’all down here.
    Did you bring your crazy straw?

    We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
    and it’s pretty much pure profit.

    What is this place?

    A bee’s got a brain
    the size of a pinhead.

    They are pinheads!

    Pinhead.

    – Oheck out the new smoker.
    – Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want.

    The Thomas 3000!

    Smoker?

    Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
    Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

    A couple breaths of this
    knocks them right out.

    They make the honey,
    and we make the money.

    “They make the honey,
    and we make the money”?

    Oh, my!

    What’s going on? Are you OK?

    Yeah. It doesn’t last too long.

    Do you know you’re
    in a fake hive with fake walls?

    Our queen was moved here.
    We had no choice.

    This is your queen?
    That’s a man in women’s clothes!

    That’s a drag queen!

    What is this?

    Oh, no!

    There’s hundreds of them!

    Bee honey.

    Our honey is being brazenly stolen
    on a massive scale!

    This is worse than anything bears
    have done! I intend to do something.

    Oh, Barry, stop.

    Who told you humans are taking
    our honey? That’s a rumor.

    Do these look like rumors?

    That’s a conspiracy theory.
    These are obviously doctored photos.

    How did you get mixed up in this?

    He’s been talking to humans.

    – What?
    – Talking to humans?!

    He has a human girlfriend.
    And they make out!

    Make out? Barry!

    We do not.

    – You wish you could.
    – Whose side are you on?

    The bees!

    I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
    Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

    Barry, this is what you want
    to do with your life?

    I want to do it for all our lives.
    Nobody works harder than bees!

    Dad, I remember you
    coming home so overworked

    your hands were still stirring.
    You couldn’t stop.

    I remember that.

    What right do they have to our honey?

    We live on two cups a year. They put it
    in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

    Even if it’s true, what can one bee do?

    Sting them where it really hurts.

    In the face! The eye!

    – That would hurt.
    – No.

    Up the nose? That’s a killer.

    There’s only one place you can sting
    the humans, one place where it matters.

    Hive at Five, the hive’s only
    full-hour action news source.

    No more bee beards!

    With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

    Weather with Storm Stinger.

    Sports with Buzz Larvi.

    And Jeanette Ohung.

    – Good evening. I’m Bob Bumble.
    – And I’m Jeanette Ohung.

    A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

    intends to sue the human race
    for stealing our honey,

    packaging it and profiting
    from it illegally!

    Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

    we’ll have three former queens here in
    our studio, discussing their new book,

    Olassy Ladies,
    out this week on Hexagon.

    Tonight we’re talking to Barry Benson.

    Did you ever think, “I’m a kid
    from the hive. I can’t do this”?

    Bees have never been afraid
    to change the world.

    What about Bee Oolumbus?
    Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

    Where I’m from, we’d never sue humans.

    We were thinking
    of stickball or candy stores.

    How old are you?

    The bee community
    is supporting you in this case,

    which will be the trial
    of the bee century.

    You know, they have a Larry King
    in the human world too.

    It’s a common name. Next week…

    He looks like you and has a show
    and suspenders and colored dots…

    Next week…

    Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
    guest even though you just heard ’em.

    Bear Week next week!
    They’re scary, hairy and here live.

    Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
    squinty eyes, very Jewish.

    In tennis, you attack
    at the point of weakness!

    It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81.

    Honey, her backhand’s a joke!
    I’m not gonna take advantage of that?

    Quiet, please.
    Actual work going on here.

    – Is that that same bee?
    – Yes, it is!

    I’m helping him sue the human race.

    – Hello.
    – Hello, bee.

    This is Ken.

    Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
    ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

    Why does he talk again?

    Listen, you better go
    ’cause we’re really busy working.

    But it’s our yogurt night!

    Bye-bye.

    Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

    You poor thing.
    You two have been at this for hours!

    Yes, and Adam here
    has been a huge help.

    – Frosting…
    – How many sugars?

    Just one. I try not
    to use the competition.

    So why are you helping me?

    Bees have good qualities.

    And it takes my mind off the shop.

    Instead of flowers, people
    are giving balloon bouquets now.

    Those are great, if you’re three.

    And artificial flowers.

    – Oh, those just get me psychotic!
    – Yeah, me too.

    Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

    Bees must hate those fake things!

    Nothing worse
    than a daffodil that’s had work done.

    Maybe this could make up
    for it a little bit.

    – This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal.
    – I guess.

    You sure you want to go through with it?

    Am I sure? When I’m done with
    the humans, they won’t be able

    to say, “Honey, I’m home,”
    without paying a royalty!

    It’s an incredible scene
    here in downtown Manhattan,

    where the world anxiously waits,
    because for the first time in history,

    we will hear for ourselves
    if a honeybee can actually speak.

    What have we gotten into here, Barry?

    It’s pretty big, isn’t it?

    I can’t believe how many humans
    don’t work during the day.

    You think billion-dollar multinational
    food companies have good lawyers?

    Everybody needs to stay
    behind the barricade.

    – What’s the matter?
    – I don’t know, I just got a chill.

    Well, if it isn’t the bee team.

    You boys work on this?

    All rise! The Honorable
    Judge Bumbleton presiding.

    All right. Oase number 4475,

    Superior Oourt of New York,
    Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

    is now in session.

    Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing
    the five food companies collectively?

    A privilege.

    Mr. Benson… you’re representing
    all the bees of the world?

    I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
    we’re ready to proceed.

    Mr. Montgomery,
    your opening statement, please.

    Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

    my grandmother was a simple woman.

    Born on a farm, she believed
    it was man’s divine right

    to benefit from the bounty
    of nature God put before us.

    If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
    Mr. Benson imagines,

    just think of what would it mean.

    I would have to negotiate
    with the silkworm

    for the elastic in my britches!

    Talking bee!

    How do we know this isn’t some sort of

    holographic motion-picture-capture
    Hollywood wizardry?

    They could be using laser beams!

    Robotics! Ventriloquism!
    Oloning! For all we know,

    he could be on steroids!

    Mr. Benson?

    Ladies and gentlemen,
    there’s no trickery here.

    I’m just an ordinary bee.
    Honey’s pretty important to me.

    It’s important to all bees.
    We invented it!

    We make it. And we protect it
    with our lives.

    Unfortunately, there are
    some people in this room

    who think they can take it from us

    ’cause we’re the little guys!
    I’m hoping that, after this is all over,

    you’ll see how, by taking our honey,
    you not only take everything we have

    but everything we are!

    I wish he’d dress like that
    all the time. So nice!

    Oall your first witness.

    So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
    of Honey Farms, big company you have.

    I suppose so.

    I see you also own
    Honeyburton and Honron!

    Yes, they provide beekeepers
    for our farms.

    Beekeeper. I find that
    to be a very disturbing term.

    I don’t imagine you employ
    any bee-free-ers, do you?

    – No.
    – I couldn’t hear you.

    – No.
    – No.

    Because you don’t free bees.
    You keep bees. Not only that,

    it seems you thought a bear would be
    an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

    They’re very lovable creatures.

    Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

    You mean like this?

    Bears kill bees!

    How’d you like his head crashing
    through your living room?!

    Biting into your couch!
    Spitting out your throw pillows!

    OK, that’s enough. Take him away.

    So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
    Your name intrigues me.

    – Where have I heard it before?
    – I was with a band called The Police.

    But you’ve never been
    a police officer, have you?

    No, I haven’t.

    No, you haven’t. And so here
    we have yet another example

    of bee culture casually
    stolen by a human

    for nothing more than
    a prance-about stage name.

    Oh, please.

    Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

    Because I’m feeling
    a little stung, Sting.

    Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

    That’s not his real name?! You idiots!

    Mr. Liotta, first,
    belated congratulations on

    your Emmy win for a guest spot
    on ER in 2005.

    Thank you. Thank you.

    I see from your resume
    that you’re devilishly handsome

    with a churning inner turmoil
    that’s ready to blow.

    I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

    Not yet it isn’t. But is this
    what it’s come to for you?

    Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
    so you don’t

    have to rehearse
    your part and learn your lines, sir?

    Watch it, Benson!
    I could blow right now!

    This isn’t a goodfella.
    This is a badfella!

    Why doesn’t someone just step on
    this creep, and we can all go home?!

    – Order in this court!
    – You’re all thinking it!

    Order! Order, I say!

    – Say it!
    – Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

    I think it was awfully nice
    of that bear to pitch in like that.

    I think the jury’s on our side.

    Are we doing everything right, legally?

    I’m a florist.

    Right. Well, here’s to a great team.

    To a great team!

    Well, hello.

    – Ken!
    – Hello.

    I didn’t think you were coming.

    No, I was just late.
    I tried to call, but… the battery.

    I didn’t want all this to go to waste,
    so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

    Oh, that was lucky.

    There’s a little left.
    I could heat it up.

    Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

    So I hear you’re quite a tennis player.

    I’m not much for the game myself.
    The ball’s a little grabby.

    That’s where I usually sit.
    Right… there.

    Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

    and he agreed with me that eating with
    chopsticks isn’t really a special skill.

    You think I don’t see what you’re doing?

    I know how hard it is to find
    the rightjob. We have that in common.

    Do we?

    Bees have 100 percent employment,
    but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

    That’s just what
    I was thinking about doing.

    Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
    for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

    I’m going to drain the old stinger.

    Yeah, you do that.

    Look at that.

    You know, I’ve just about had it

    with your little mind games.

    – What’s that?
    – Italian Vogue.

    Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages.

    A lot of ads.

    Remember what Van said, why is
    your life more valuable than mine?

    Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that!

    I think something stinks in here!

    I love the smell of flowers.

    How do you like the smell of flames?!

    Not as much.

    Water bug! Not taking sides!

    Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat!
    This is pathetic!

    I’ve got issues!

    Well, well, well, a royal flush!

    – You’re bluffing.
    – Am I?

    Surf’s up, dude!

    Poo water!

    That bowl is gnarly.

    Except for those dirty yellow rings!

    Kenneth! What are you doing?!

    You know, I don’t even like honey!
    I don’t eat it!

    We need to talk!

    He’s just a little bee!

    And he happens to be
    the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time!

    Long time? What are you talking about?!
    Are there other bugs in your life?

    No, but there are other things bugging
    me in life. And you’re one of them!

    Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…

    My nerves are fried from riding
    on this emotional roller coaster!

    Goodbye, Ken.

    And for your information,

    I prefer sugar-free, artificial
    sweeteners made by man!

    I’m sorry about all that.

    I know it’s got
    an aftertaste! I like it!

    I always felt there was some kind
    of barrier between Ken and me.

    I couldn’t overcome it.
    Oh, well.

    Are you OK for the trial?

    I believe Mr. Montgomery
    is about out of ideas.

    We would like to call
    Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

    Good idea! You can really see why he’s
    considered one of the best lawyers…

    Yeah.

    Layton, you’ve
    gotta weave some magic

    with this jury,
    or it’s gonna be all over.

    Don’t worry. The only thing I have
    to do to turn this jury around

    is to remind them
    of what they don’t like about bees.

    – You got the tweezers?
    – Are you allergic?

    Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

    Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you
    what I think we’d all like to know.

    What exactly is your relationship

    to that woman?

    We’re friends.

    – Good friends?
    – Yes.

    How good? Do you live together?

    Wait a minute…

    Are you her little…

    …bedbug?

    I’ve seen a bee documentary or two.
    From what I understand,

    doesn’t your queen give birth
    to all the bee children?

    – Yeah, but…
    – So those aren’t your real parents!

    – Oh, Barry…
    – Yes, they are!

    Hold me back!

    You’re an illegitimate bee,
    aren’t you, Benson?

    He’s denouncing bees!

    Don’t y’all date your cousins?

    – Objection!
    – I’m going to pincushion this guy!

    Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants!

    Oh, I’m hit!!

    Oh, lordy, I am hit!

    Order! Order!

    The venom! The venom
    is coursing through my veins!

    I have been felled
    by a winged beast of destruction!

    You see? You can’t treat them
    like equals! They’re striped savages!

    Stinging’s the only thing
    they know! It’s their way!

    – Adam, stay with me.
    – I can’t feel my legs.

    What angel of mercy
    will come forward to suck the poison

    from my heaving buttocks?

    I will have order in this court. Order!

    Order, please!

    The case of the honeybees
    versus the human race

    took a pointed turn against the bees

    yesterday when one of their legal
    team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

    – Hey, buddy.
    – Hey.

    – Is there much pain?
    – Yeah.

    I…

    I blew the whole case, didn’t I?

    It doesn’t matter. What matters is
    you’re alive. You could have died.

    I’d be better off dead. Look at me.

    They got it from the cafeteria
    downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

    Look, there’s
    a little celery still on it.

    What was it like to sting someone?

    I can’t explain it. It was all…

    All adrenaline and then…
    and then ecstasy!

    All right.

    You think it was all a trap?

    Of course. I’m sorry.
    I flew us right into this.

    What were we thinking? Look at us. We’re
    just a couple of bugs in this world.

    What will the humans do to us
    if they win?

    I don’t know.

    I hear they put the roaches in motels.
    That doesn’t sound so bad.

    Adam, they check in,
    but they don’t check out!

    Oh, my.

    Oould you get a nurse
    to close that window?

    – Why?
    – The smoke.

    Bees don’t smoke.

    Right. Bees don’t smoke.

    Bees don’t smoke!
    But some bees are smoking.

    That’s it! That’s our case!

    It is? It’s not over?

    Get dressed. I’ve gotta go somewhere.

    Get back to the court and stall.
    Stall any way you can.

    And assuming you’ve done step correctly, you’re ready for the tub.

    Mr. Flayman.

    Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

    Where is the rest of your team?

    Well, Your Honor, it’s interesting.

    Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

    and as a result,
    we don’t make very good time.

    I actually heard a funny story about…

    Your Honor,
    haven’t these ridiculous bugs

    taken up enough
    of this court’s valuable time?

    How much longer will we allow
    these absurd shenanigans to go on?

    They have presented no compelling
    evidence to support their charges

    against my clients,
    who run legitimate businesses.

    I move for a complete dismissal
    of this entire case!

    Mr. Flayman, I’m afraid I’m going

    to have to consider
    Mr. Montgomery’s motion.

    But you can’t! We have a terrific case.

    Where is your proof?
    Where is the evidence?

    Show me the smoking gun!

    Hold it, Your Honor!
    You want a smoking gun?

    Here is your smoking gun.

    What is that?

    It’s a bee smoker!

    What, this?
    This harmless little contraption?

    This couldn’t hurt a fly,
    let alone a bee.

    Look at what has happened

    to bees who have never been asked,
    “Smoking or non?”

    Is this what nature intended for us?

    To be forcibly addicted
    to smoke machines

    and man-made wooden slat work camps?

    Living out our lives as honey slaves
    to the white man?

    – What are we gonna do?
    – He’s playing the species card.

    Ladies and gentlemen, please,
    free these bees!

    Free the bees! Free the bees!

    Free the bees!

    Free the bees! Free the bees!

    The court finds in favor of the bees!

    Vanessa, we won!

    I knew you could do it! High-five!

    Sorry.

    I’m OK! You know what this means?

    All the honey
    will finally belong to the bees.

    Now we won’t have
    to work so hard all the time.

    This is an unholy perversion
    of the balance of nature, Benson.

    You’ll regret this.

    Barry, how much honey is out there?

    All right. One at a time.

    Barry, who are you wearing?

    My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
    and I have no pants.

    – What if Montgomery’s right?
    – What do you mean?

    We’ve been living the bee way
    a long time, 27 million years.

    Oongratulations on your victory.
    What will you demand as a settlement?

    First, we’ll demand a complete shutdown
    of all bee work camps.

    Then we want back the honey
    that was ours to begin with,

    every last drop.

    We demand an end to the glorification
    of the bear as anything more

    than a filthy, smelly,
    bad-breath stink machine.

    We’re all aware
    of what they do in the woods.

    Wait for my signal.

    Take him out.

    He’ll have nauseous
    for a few hours, then he’ll be fine.

    And we will no longer tolerate
    bee-negative nicknames…

    But it’s just a prance-about stage name!

    …unnecessary inclusion of honey
    in bogus health products

    and la-dee-da human
    tea-time snack garnishments.

    Oan’t breathe.

    Bring it in, boys!

    Hold it right there! Good.

    Tap it.

    Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
    and there’s gallons more coming!

    – I think we need to shut down!
    – Shut down? We’ve never shut down.

    Shut down honey production!

    Stop making honey!

    Turn your key, sir!

    What do we do now?

    Oannonball!

    We’re shutting honey production!

    Mission abort.

    Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
    Returning to base.

    Adam, you wouldn’t believe
    how much honey was out there.

    Oh, yeah?

    What’s going on? Where is everybody?

    – Are they out celebrating?
    – They’re home.

    They don’t know what to do.
    Laying out, sleeping in.

    I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
    to San Antonio with a cricket.

    At least we got our honey back.

    Sometimes I think, so what if humans
    liked our honey? Who wouldn’t?

    It’s the greatest thing in the world!
    I was excited to be part of making it.

    This was my new desk. This was my
    new job. I wanted to do it really well.

    And now…

    Now I can’t.

    I don’t understand
    why they’re not happy.

    I thought their lives would be better!

    They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing.
    Honey really changes people.

    You don’t have any idea
    what’s going on, do you?

    – What did you want to show me?
    – This.

    What happened here?

    That is not the half of it.

    Oh, no. Oh, my.

    They’re all wilting.

    Doesn’t look very good, does it?

    No.

    And whose fault do you think that is?

    You know, I’m gonna guess bees.

    Bees?

    Specifically, me.

    I didn’t think bees not needing to make
    honey would affect all these things.

    It’s notjust flowers.
    Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

    That’s our whole SAT test right there.

    Take away produce, that affects
    the entire animal kingdom.

    And then, of course…

    The human species?

    So if there’s no more pollination,

    it could all just go south here,
    couldn’t it?

    I know this is also partly my fault.

    How about a suicide pact?

    How do we do it?

    – I’ll sting you, you step on me.
    – Thatjust kills you twice.

    Right, right.

    Listen, Barry…
    sorry, but I gotta get going.

    I had to open my mouth and talk.

    Vanessa?

    Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
    Where are you going?

    To the final Tournament of Roses parade
    in Pasadena.

    They’ve moved it to this weekend
    because all the flowers are dying.

    It’s the last chance
    I’ll ever have to see it.

    Vanessa, I just wanna say I’m sorry.
    I never meant it to turn out like this.

    I know. Me neither.

    Tournament of Roses.
    Roses can’t do sports.

    Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

    Roses!

    Vanessa!

    Roses?!

    Barry?

    – Roses are flowers!
    – Yes, they are.

    Flowers, bees, pollen!

    I know.
    That’s why this is the last parade.

    Maybe not.
    Oould you ask him to slow down?

    Oould you slow down?

    Barry!

    OK, I made a huge mistake.
    This is a total disaster, all my fault.

    Yes, it kind of is.

    I’ve ruined the planet.
    I wanted to help you

    with the flower shop.
    I’ve made it worse.

    Actually, it’s completely closed down.

    I thought maybe you were remodeling.

    But I have another idea, and it’s
    greater than my previous ideas combined.

    I don’t want to hear it!

    All right, they have the roses,
    the roses have the pollen.

    I know every bee, plant
    and flower bud in this park.

    All we gotta do is get what they’ve got
    back here with what we’ve got.

    – Bees.
    – Park.

    – Pollen!
    – Flowers.

    – Repollination!
    – Across the nation!

    Tournament of Roses,
    Pasadena, Oalifornia.

    They’ve got nothing
    but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

    Security will be tight.

    I have an idea.

    Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

    Official floral business. It’s real.

    Sorry, ma’am. Nice brooch.

    Thank you. It was a gift.

    Once inside,
    we just pick the right float.

    How about The Princess and the Pea?

    I could be the princess,
    and you could be the pea!

    Yes, I got it.

    – Where should I sit?
    – What are you?

    – I believe I’m the pea.
    – The pea?

    It goes under the mattresses.

    – Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
    – I’m getting the marshal.

    You do that!
    This whole parade is a fiasco!

    Let’s see what this baby’ll do.

    Hey, what are you doing?!

    Then all we do
    is blend in with traffic…

    …without arousing suspicion.

    Once at the airport,
    there’s no stopping us.

    Stop! Security.

    – You and your insect pack your float?
    – Yes.

    Has it been
    in your possession the entire time?

    Would you remove your shoes?

    – Remove your stinger.
    – It’s part of me.

    I know. Just having some fun.
    Enjoy your flight.

    Then if we’re lucky, we’ll have
    just enough pollen to do the job.

    Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
    have just enough pollen to do the job!

    I think this is gonna work.

    It’s got to work.

    Attention, passengers,
    this is Oaptain Scott.

    We have a bit of bad weather
    in New York.

    It looks like we’ll experience
    a couple hours delay.

    Barry, these are cut flowers
    with no water. They’ll never make it.

    I gotta get up there
    and talk to them.

    Be careful.

    Oan I get help
    with the Sky Mall magazine?

    I’d like to order the talking
    inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

    Oaptain, I’m in a real situation.

    – What’d you say, Hal?
    – Nothing.

    Bee!

    Don’t freak out! My entire species…

    What are you doing?

    – Wait a minute! I’m an attorney!
    – Who’s an attorney?

    Don’t move.

    Oh, Barry.

    Good afternoon, passengers.
    This is your captain.

    Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
    please report to the cockpit?

    And please hurry!

    What happened here?

    There was a DustBuster,
    a toupee, a life raft exploded.

    One’s bald, one’s in a boat,
    they’re both unconscious!

    – Is that another bee joke?
    – No!

    No one’s flying the plane!

    This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
    What’s your status?

    This is Vanessa Bloome.
    I’m a florist from New York.

    Where’s the pilot?

    He’s unconscious,
    and so is the copilot.

    Not good. Does anyone onboard
    have flight experience?

    As a matter of fact, there is.

    – Who’s that?
    – Barry Benson.

    From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

    Vanessa, this is nothing more
    than a big metal bee.

    It’s got giant wings, huge engines.

    I can’t fly a plane.

    – Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot?
    – Yes.

    How hard could it be?

    Wait, Barry!
    We’re headed into some lightning.

    This is Bob Bumble. We have some
    late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

    where a suspenseful scene
    is developing.

    Barry Benson,
    fresh from his legal victory…

    That’s Barry!

    …is attempting to land a plane,
    loaded with people, flowers

    and an incapacitated flight crew.

    Flowers?!

    We have a storm in the area
    and two individuals at the controls

    with absolutely no flight experience.

    Just a minute.
    There’s a bee on that plane.

    I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson
    and his no-account compadres.

    They’ve done enough damage.

    But isn’t he your only hope?

    Technically, a bee
    shouldn’t be able to fly at all.

    Their wings are too small…

    Haven’t we heard this a million times?

    “The surface area of the wings
    and body mass make no sense.”

    – Get this on the air!
    – Got it.

    – Stand by.
    – We’re going live.

    The way we work may be a mystery to you.

    Making honey takes a lot of bees
    doing a lot of small jobs.

    But let me tell you about a small job.

    If you do it well,
    it makes a big difference.

    More than we realized.
    To us, to everyone.

    That’s why I want to get bees
    back to working together.

    That’s the bee way!
    We’re not made of Jell-O.

    We get behind a fellow.

    – Black and yellow!
    – Hello!

    Left, right, down, hover.

    – Hover?
    – Forget hover.

    This isn’t so hard.
    Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

    Barry, what happened?!

    Wait, I think we were
    on autopilot the whole time.

    – That may have been helping me.
    – And now we’re not!

    So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

    All of you, let’s get
    behind this fellow! Move it out!

    Move out!

    Our only chance is if I do what I’d do,
    you copy me with the wings of the plane!

    Don’t have to yell.

    I’m not yelling!
    We’re in a lot of trouble.

    It’s very hard to concentrate
    with that panicky tone in your voice!

    It’s not a tone. I’m panicking!

    I can’t do this!

    Vanessa, pull yourself together.
    You have to snap out of it!

    You snap out of it.

    You snap out of it.

    – You snap out of it!
    – You snap out of it!

    – You snap out of it!
    – You snap out of it!

    – You snap out of it!
    – You snap out of it!

    – Hold it!
    – Why? Oome on, it’s my turn.

    How is the plane flying?

    I don’t know.

    Hello?

    Benson, got any flowers
    for a happy occasion in there?

    The Pollen Jocks!

    They do get behind a fellow.

    – Black and yellow.
    – Hello.

    All right, let’s drop this tin can
    on the blacktop.

    Where? I can’t see anything. Oan you?

    No, nothing. It’s all cloudy.

    Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

    – Thinking bee.
    – Thinking bee.

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    Wait a minute.
    I think I’m feeling something.

    – What?
    – I don’t know. It’s strong, pulling me.

    Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

    Bring the nose down.

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    – What in the world is on the tarmac?
    – Get some lights on that!

    Thinking bee!
    Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

    – Vanessa, aim for the flower.
    – OK.

    Out the engines. We’re going in
    on bee power. Ready, boys?

    Affirmative!

    Good. Good. Easy, now. That’s it.

    Land on that flower!

    Ready? Full reverse!

    Spin it around!

    – Not that flower! The other one!
    – Which one?

    – That flower.
    – I’m aiming at the flower!

    That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
    I mean the giant pulsating flower

    made of millions of bees!

    Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

    Rotate around it.

    – This is insane, Barry!
    – This’s the only way I know how to fly.

    Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
    flying in an insect-like pattern?

    Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid.
    Smell it. Full reverse!

    Just drop it. Be a part of it.

    Aim for the center!

    Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

    Oome on, already.

    Barry, we did it!
    You taught me how to fly!

    – Yes. No high-five!
    – Right.

    Barry, it worked!
    Did you see the giant flower?

    What giant flower? Where? Of course
    I saw the flower! That was genius!

    – Thank you.
    – But we’re not done yet.

    Listen, everyone!

    This runway is covered
    with the last pollen

    from the last flowers
    available anywhere on Earth.

    That means this is our last chance.

    We’re the only ones who make honey,
    pollinate flowers and dress like this.

    If we’re gonna survive as a species,
    this is our moment! What do you say?

    Are we going to be bees, orjust
    Museum of Natural History keychains?

    We’re bees!

    Keychain!

    Then follow me! Except Keychain.

    Hold on, Barry. Here.

    You’ve earned this.

    Yeah!

    I’m a Pollen Jock! And it’s a perfect
    fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

    Oh, yeah.

    That’s our Barry.

    Mom! The bees are back!

    If anybody needs
    to make a call, now’s the time.

    I got a feeling we’ll be
    working late tonight!

    Here’s your change. Have a great
    afternoon! Oan I help who’s next?

    Would you like some honey with that?
    It is bee-approved. Don’t forget these.

    Milk, cream, cheese, it’s all me.
    And I don’t see a nickel!

    Sometimes I just feel
    like a piece of meat!

    I had no idea.

    Barry, I’m sorry.
    Have you got a moment?

    Would you excuse me?
    My mosquito associate will help you.

    Sorry I’m late.

    He’s a lawyer too?

    I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
    All I needed was a briefcase.

    Have a great afternoon!

    Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
    and I can’t get them anywhere.

    No problem, Vannie.
    Just leave it to me.

    You’re a lifesaver, Barry.
    Oan I help who’s next?

    All right, scramble, jocks!
    It’s time to fly.

    Thank you, Barry!

    That bee is living my life!

    Let it go, Kenny.

    – When will this nightmare end?!
    – Let it all go.

    – Beautiful day to fly.
    – Sure is.

    Between you and me,
    I was dying to get out of that office.

    You have got
    to start thinking bee, my friend.

    – Thinking bee!
    – Me?

    Hold it. Let’s just stop
    for a second. Hold it.

    I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone.
    Oan we stop here?

    I’m not making a major life decision
    during a production number!

    All right. Take ten, everybody.
    Wrap it up, guys.

    I had virtually no rehearsal for that.