Young people have fled terrestrial radio. The medium now brings in less revenue than streaming platforms. People purchase smart speakers to listen to “better music.” So, will radio go the way of the dodo?
A new study by Musonomics will make you wonder how many years radio has left.
Larry Miller, Director of New York University’s Steinhardt Music Business Program, performed the study. He grew up in the radio industry and started his career as a DJ.
In the executive summary of the study, Miller highlights eight dangers that the radio industry currently faces.
1. Digital services are severely crowding traditional radio.
2. Music charts once driven by AM/FM broadcasts are increasingly driven by digital.
3. Generation Z listeners prefer streaming platforms like Spotify and Pandora over AM/FM stations.
4. Younger music listeners have increasingly turned to sites like YouTube to discover new artists and songs.
5. Digital services, including streaming platforms, have become an important source of revenue.
6. Carmakers have started to marginalize radio on their dashboards, decreasing radio listenership.
7. Smart speakers have begun shaping consumer practices and preferences.
8. Radio’s rating system fails to deliver on specifics that advertisers demand.
Radio lacks the innovative features found in streaming platforms.
In a recent MusicWatch report, only 53% of respondents said that they felt “very satisfied” using the radio in the car. Just 27% said that they felt satisfied with the quality of sound. 25% said that AM/FM stations played the best music. 13% felt satisfied with radio’s integration with social media.
Summarizing MusicWatch’s data, Miller writes,
“ Music fans today have many choices for access to music and are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with AM/FM radio’s traditional service offering.“
Car companies have started to abandon the terrestrial medium
Looking at newer vehicles, Miller notes that in-car media screens allow easier access to platforms like Spotify, Pandora, and iTunes. This, in turn, “[relegates] radio…from the center of the dashboard,” decreasing listenership. He explains why.
“AM/FM controls are often found below this screen, rendering them less prominent and less accessible than in the past.”
Why did you buy a smart speaker? To listen to “better music.”
According to Edison Research, 7% of Americans 12 and over now own a smart speaker in their homes.
70% of smart speaker owners said that they listen now to more audio. 62% of those surveyed said that the smart speaker allows them to “hear better music than on AM/FM radio.” Only 38% said that they still continue to listen to music through the terrestrial medium.
Why has radio fallen behind in the American home? Miller writes,
“[It] has not meaningfully invested in new programming or advanced digital services for smart speakers.”
Pandora Radio’s Glenn Peoples writes how broadcasters could take advantage of the rise of the smart speaker.
“With established brands in local markets associated with certain genres and formats, radio stations could earn a key place in the smart speaker market by building out their digital presence.“
To survive in the digital age, broadcasters must invest in “strong and compelling digital services”
At the end of his report, Miller notes that music remains the lifeblood of the radio industry. However, today’s listener has access to “virtually unlimited choices for audio and music consumption.” So, what can broadcasters do?
For the terrestrial medium to survive, broadcasters will have to “embrace a new vision for their content.” That includes moving toward a “more communicative experience in line with millennials and other younger generations.”
In addition, Miller writes,
“[The medium] needs to invest in strong and compelling digital services. If it does, [broadcasters] can look forward to a robust future built on the strong foundation it already has in the marketplace…“
Speaking about the terrestrial medium, Scott Burnell, Ford’s Global Lead of Business Development and Partner Management, has a simple message for broadcasters.
“My message is evolve or die.”
Miller issued a strong warning for the terrestrial medium should it fail to innovate.
“If it doesn’t [innovate], radio risks becoming a thing of the past, like the wax cylinder or 78 RPM record – fondly remembered but no longer relevant to an audience that has moved on.”
In the report, Miller cites more reasons why the terrestrial medium may fade out if it fails to adapt to the rise of digital services. You can check out the complete report here.
Image by Alan Levine (CC by 2.0)
Digital era nonsense.
Radio is vanishing from smartphone slowly
ohhhhhh henry fuck me harder yes yes yes
GAY LORDS
WHAT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You lonely people?
fuck me daddy fuckkkkk my ass
You shall die in a whole with my ass pressed up on your face. You lonely prick with no friends.
no u
Polish dick
this is my territory polish dick! get out or I will deport your muslim ass
I started buying cd’s digital radio sounds awfull. Good alternatives for high end fm tuners are much too expensive and worse sounding than cd or even fm
Hey Paul, want an exclusive tip to research?
This Facebook page is one of many similar, run by a Facebook employee who has a lot of money invested in piracy sites:
https://www.facebook.com/AvaxHomeMusic
I actually just bought a radio on eBbay (arrived yesterday) covers AM incl the
extended segment up to 1710 kHz and FM starting at 87.5 mHz and it’s pretty great..
I think the future of over the air broadcast radio in cities and developed countries will become more talk orientated because music is easily available online..
The real buzz with AM/FM and Shortwave radio is with the pirate stations..
National Public Radio can’t be beat for timely, responsible news coverage. Article’s focus on music leaves out important role for radio–news.
Totally agree. NPR offers topical news content across the spectrum as well as interviews with musicians and other entertainers.
I agree. It may be the only survivor of the Big Axe. Decent content, good coverage, and they don’t pander. Respect the listener’s intelligence??? Whaaaa????
This study seems to confuse the delivery platform with the concept of “radio.” I’ll agree that am/fm will definitely phase out at some point. But I’m going to strongly disagree that “commercial music radio”–tight passive listening playlists selected by professionals and serviced repetitively to a segmented audience–is going to lose its importance in the music discovery hierarchy any time soon.
Sure Millennials and Z’s are on YouTube and Spotify and there’s no doubt that songs now start on streaming services, but “radio” as defined above creates global stars. Just look at the Spotify Top 10 in the US and UK–how many non-radio artists do you see?
Some will argue that they were created by Spotify’s playlists. But, no, they built a large base on those playlists, then went to radio, which begat even more recognition and more streaming, and, eventually, stardom.
Most people in the world are not music fans, they just listen to music. Younger people have more time for discovery, but even the vast majority of those under 30 are not scouring playlists for new music. If they were, the early 2000s “long tail” theory would have become a reality. We all know how that worked out. People typically like what other people like, success begets success.
Spotify starts the fire, radio creates the blaze. It may not be on the FM dial in 10 years, but it will still exist and be very influential on some other platform.
You sound like someone who works in the radio industry. They seem to be the only people who argue so fervently in favour of the medium.
I noticed the elephant in the room didn’t get discussed at all. When I was younger (yeah I know much younger) we got by with only am radio. Sure, it was the only game in town then but it was something of a thrill, or at least a little fun, to listen to the popular tunes of the day direct from New York, New Orleans, and even further away. All unprocessed and homogenised by any digital intervention. Then came fm for higher fidelity and stereo (in light of what we listened to then, arguably questionable.
So much for the technical side. Now for the elephant. Getting down the elephant gun, it has to be noted the dearth of programmes over the “free” airwaves. AM is now fairly polluted with “talk” programming. This is fine if you want to hear your fave “soapbox” star but for the rest of us it’s a bore. This, I feel, could have been better left to the web. What you hear is highly Balkanised so that it amounts to a zillion niche stations. A far cry from the once-mighty networks. Music stations are few, far between, and largely unknown. FM is little better. If you’re into “hip-hop” you’re covered, the rest of us are out in the cold.
In my opinion (as a listener) this institutionalised lack of imagination is the problem. I wouldn’t have spent the money on a satellite subscription so willingly if I were still able to find an occasional station with 50’s-60’s oldies (ckww-great but low-powered) or big-band (nada) or jazz (zip). If they’re scared of satellite, they should be
How about you kick that bs statement of yours on its head:
Just look at the RADIO Top 10 in the US and UK–how many non-SPOTIFY artists do you see?
Trouble is with pop music radio is that they all play the same ten songs over and over.. How many times must we hear Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande..
There might be a billion artists out there in Internet land but only ten or so get all the airplay.. (and streams/sales)
They are closing their doors as we speak. They have refused to evolve, and now they shall die. No more fun for anyone. Just the way it should be. I delight in seeing these people’s livelihoods reduced to rubble. It brings me pleasure to watch their suffering. Its so well deserved and so late in coming.
yo you okay fam
yeah bro, you??
who cares you are all 40 year old balding men sitting in their mums basement fingering their assholes
We are all going to die but you will die first as much dick is coming to your ass as we speak you fat cunt.
Actually, some of us are 30 year-old men, with thick heads of hair, sitting in our own luxurious man-cave basements… fingering our assholes, thankyouverymuch…lol
Yes! Thank you Nicky Knight! I’ve read this whole article (I’m one of the so called millennials apparently accused of abandoning the media.) and no one but you has brought out the real problem with radio. Of course listeners are going to leave even you play the same twenty songs in one day. And it’s not just pop stations. Classic rock radio is just as bad. You’d think the only song Metallica ever wrote was Enter Sandman or that Bon Jovi and John Mellencamp were the only musicians alive in the 80s.
recording companies plugging pop music only plug their artists.. “trouble is with pop music radio is that they all play the same ten songs over and over.. How many times must we hear Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande..” this can’t be any truer than the world is round….but who are those really listening to these artist.. kids that have no money to buy anything…I go with the theory that the music that gets more promotion and gets more airplay is what kids get use to listening..and assumptions are based on the above…as you well know there lots of rap and hip hop radio stations that popped up during the Obama era now kids think that the end thing…even thou they don’t understand african lingo…that with school segregation kids (even mexicans) are turned on to that…yes you can call it brain washing ..I think our kids deserve lots better…
Rdaio isn’t dead nor has the youth lost interest in real radio – maybe some stations where you are, but that isn’t the world. Happy to say, a good youth audience are there, not on AM and reducing on FM – they use smart phones the same way we used pocket radios decades ago. But what would I know about research ha ha
Real radio lives on at Radio Tatras International – real people, no juke boxes, making real radio shows,
I think radio broadcasting in Europe and Australia is probably the best and most varied. Luckily in those regions they have a diverse range of station format categories and ownership opportunities for AM/FM, Shortwave + DAB, Satellite etc..
In USA you have an interesting pirate radio community on Shortwave (around 6925 kHz) and in Europe there’s still lot’s of pirate stations across all the bands
blasting out the hits and jingles of an almost bygone era.
I find myself drawn to the quality of sound of streaming services, satellite radio and the like. But I’ve been a huge fan of college radio. My FM presets are filled with every college station in my broadcast area. Yeah, there’s programming that may not be to my liking, but the chance to hear something really new, spontaneous. Now that’s “music you can’t hear on the radio” (Thanks, John W. & Jon S 103.3 FM
It’s (AM/FM) already dead. Don’t think so? Walk into your local drug store and try to find a radio. A few years ago you’d find several to choose from as there was a demand for them..there were radio listeners. Now there are none…not even one. There’s a good reason for that: lack of demand. They’re not going to take up shelf space with something nobody wants.
You will find several smart phones available, however…and even a few headphones. That alone should tell you all you need to know about broadcast radio. It’s about as relevant as an 8-track player.
Isn’t it Great?:) I have been waiting for this for a loooong time. If i had a glass of champagne i would toast you right now, my friend.
I applaud the death of terrestrial radio. Broadcasting has now been reclaimed by the masses and no longer belongs to the few stuffed shirts answering to venture capital boards of directors. Sales, General Managers, and most of all…..Howard Stern wannabe morning personalities….your. day. Is. Past. And the world, rejoices.
a cell phone is a terresrial radio, wife is terrestrial radio
Is it any surprise? The FM and AM radio stations play the same damn songs every single day. Real music lovers like variety, play some album tracks, b-side…ANYTHING! The problem with radio is that it’s commercial and therefore has to play the same songs and therefore has come full circle as something better has come along and has won competition. Who needs to listen to the same 100 songs on the radio when you have hundreds of thousands of tracks to choose from?
Nice article. I grew up on 70s & early 80s radio and I never did like it, too much talking, manic commercials, programmed music, and format flipping, and not to mention the poor sound quality. Congress saved TV with digital and that might have saved radio. Too late now to ever know.
As a former Radio personality and executive for 25 years, I agree with about another 10 years for Radio as a medium. The consolidators squeezed the life out of the Golden Goose radio once was. All Ryan Seacrest all the time. And now he has “metoo” problems.
Radio has lost it’s personality and needs to re-create excitement and generate a reason to listen.
the problem is not am or fm..its the owners ..they have owned their station for too many years are bored to death..and so that shows up on the air…old farts need to go away let someone with fresh blood and some music know how take over. radio was discovered to entertain..not to bore people with talk shows. I can remember when most of us use to change the station while they ran their one minute or 30 sec. commercials..because we could not stand talking on the radio…now its all infomercials thats all they do..like sports radio..how much sports happen in a day to warrant a radio station to talk about it all day long? its very boring to say the lease…and they wonder why they have no listeners..
Yet satellite is dying and terrestial is still standing.
Music is not as conservative as it once was. I mostly don’t listen to the radio because there is a lack of music selection. Most of the songs seem to be from the 60s, 70s, and 80s. They have been playing the same music for 40 to 60 years.
Daniel; what will the Generation Zers do when their Spotify & Pandora accounts come to an end?
Radio isn’t dying …. I’ve had problems with keeping my phone from turning off while I’m listening to Pandora….
…blessed silence and thoughtful, meditative introspection…?
I worked in radio for 30 years, got cut out of the budget and couldn’t get back in. Now I am cheering for radio’s demise. None of the young people I work with listen to radio..which is pretty exciting to me.
I dont hate to tell you but a cell phone is a radio, a laptop is a radio, a wifi is a radio
tosser
you big fat juicy dosser
#sloppyshithead
tosser,
No, radio will not die in ten years, or twenty. There is FAR more to terrestrial radio than pop music/top 40 stations all owned by the same handful of companies. This ‘study’ was based on flawed assumptions and has very dubious value. It’s almost silly.
this is shit
big chungus has arrived
We don’t care you fat prick.
You dumb old pedo.
We are your hobos we will come to your home and we will burn you down with every fibber in our body’s. But have you noticed that most of this pricks don’t know how to fucking spell? They don’t know fucking English them fucking gay cunts with no fucking friends.
most ppl i have went to their houses don’t have a radio anymore i stop listening to live radio in the 2000s to mid 2000s and i stop watching tv after 9/11/01 now that i am 33 i still say old school was better the 90s and early 2000s was really big in music now music sucks i am an old school dude i still stick to my 80s and 90s movies and music and some early 2000s
Just as I am starting to invest in this business. And now I read this… So as a radio streaming provider, https://www.radiocastvps.com. This is discouraging…
You sound like someone who works in the radio industry. They seem to be the only people who argue so fervently in favour of the medium.
Typical “anti radio” article from someone with a vested interest in seeing it happen. Go read some less biased articles.
Where is my father
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead
[Pre-Chorus]
Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do, so much to see
So what’s wrong with taking the backstreets?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow
[Chorus]
Hey now, you’re an all star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold
[Verse 2]
It’s a cool place, and they say it gets colder
You’re bundled up now, wait ’til you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim
My world’s on fire, how ’bout yours?
That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored
[Chorus]
Hey now, you’re an all star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold
[Interlude]
(Go for the moon)
(Go for the moon)
(Go for the moon)
(Go for the moon)
[Chorus]
Hey now, you’re an all star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars
[Verse 3]
Somebody once asked
Could I spare some change for gas?
“I need to get myself away from this place”
I said, “Yep, what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change”
[Pre-Chorus]
Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do, so much to see
So what’s wrong with taking the backstreets?
You’ll never know if you don’t go (Go!)
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow
[Chorus]
Hey now, you’re an all star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold
[Outro]
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold
Hobo Johnson Breaks Down The Meaning Of “Typical Story”
twenty one pilots Further Unravel The Story Of Clancy On “Jumpsuit” & “Nico And The Niners”
A Brief History Of Yelling In Hip-Hop
The Entire Bee Movie Script
Bee Movie Script – Dialogue Transcript
According to all known laws
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don’t care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let’s shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
– Barry?
– Adam?
– Oan you believe this is happening?
– I can’t. I’ll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I’m excited.
Here’s the graduate.
We’re very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B’s.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
– You got lint on your fuzz.
– Ow! That’s me!
– Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.
– Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
– Hey, Adam.
– Hey, Barry.
– Is that fuzz gel?
– A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I’d make it.
Three days grade school,
three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I’m glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
– Hi, Barry.
– Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
– Hear about Frankie?
– Yeah.
– You going to the funeral?
– No, I’m not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don’t waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That’s why we don’t need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.
– Well, Adam, today we are men.
– We are!
– Bee-men.
– Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of…
…9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it’s just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
– Wonder what it’ll be like?
– A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…
Honey!
– That girl was hot.
– She’s my cousin!
– She is?
– Yes, we’re all cousins.
– Right. You’re right.
– At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
– What do you think he makes?
– Not enough.
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.
– What does that do?
– Oatches that little strand of honey
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know
that every small job,
if it’s done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you’ll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn’t know that.
What’s the difference?
You’ll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven’t had one day off
in 27 million years.
So you’ll just work us to death?
We’ll sure try.
Wow! That blew my mind!
“What’s the difference?”
How can you say that?
One job forever?
That’s an insane choice to have to make.
I’m relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?
Why would you question anything?
We’re bees.
We’re the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?
Like what? Give me one example.
I don’t know. But you know
what I’m talking about.
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.
Wait a second. Oheck it out.
– Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
– Wow.
I’ve never seen them this close.
They know what it’s like
outside the hive.
Yeah, but some don’t come back.
– Hey, Jocks!
– Hi, Jocks!
You guys did great!
You’re monsters!
You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
– I wonder where they were.
– I don’t know.
Their day’s not planned.
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.
You can’tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.
Right.
Look. That’s more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.
It’s just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.
Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies?
Aren’t they our cousins too?
Distant. Distant.
Look at these two.
– Oouple of Hive Harrys.
– Let’s have fun with them.
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!
– Oh, my!
– I never thought I’d knock him out.
What were you doing during this?
Trying to alert the authorities.
I can autograph that.
A little gusty out there today,
wasn’t it, comrades?
Yeah. Gusty.
We’re hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.
– Six miles, huh?
– Barry!
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you’re not up for it.
– Maybe I am.
– You are not!
We’re going 0900 at J-Gate.
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.
Hey, Honex!
Dad, you surprised me.
You decide what you’re interested in?
– Well, there’s a lot of choices.
– But you only get one.
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It’s a beautiful thing.
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field
just isn’t right for me.
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
That’s a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son’s not sure
he wants to go into honey!
– Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
– I’m not trying to be funny.
You’re not funny! You’re going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
– You’re gonna be a stirrer?
– No one’s listening to me!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now.
I’m gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let’s open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!
I’m so proud.
– We’re starting work today!
– Today’s the day.
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal…
– Is it still available?
– Hang on. Two left!
One of them’s yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
– What’d you get?
– Picking crud out. Stellar!
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
– You want to go first?
– No, you go.
Oh, my. What’s available?
Restroom attendant’s open,
not for the reason you think.
– Any chance of getting the Krelman?
– Sure, you’re on.
I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey’s always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He’s dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That’s life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should… Barry?
Barry!
All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine…
What happened to you?
Where are you?
– I’m going out.
– Out? Out where?
– Out there.
– Oh, no!
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.
You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello?
Another call coming in.
If anyone’s feeling brave,
there’s a Korean deli on 83rd
that gets their roses today.
Hey, guys.
– Look at that.
– Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday?
Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted.
It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up.
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
– Thank you.
– OK.
You got a rain advisory today,
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.
Murphy’s in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!
– That’s awful.
– And a reminder for you rookies,
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Black and yellow!
Hello!
You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
Wind, check.
– Antennae, check.
– Nectar pack, check.
– Wings, check.
– Stinger, check.
Scared out of my shorts, check.
OK, ladies,
let’s move it out!
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!
All of you, drain those flowers!
Wow! I’m out!
I can’t believe I’m out!
So blue.
I feel so fast and free!
Box kite!
Wow!
Flowers!
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
Roses!
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
Stand to the side, kid.
It’s got a bit of a kick.
That is one nectar collector!
– Ever see pollination up close?
– No, sir.
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,
a pinch on that one.
See that? It’s a little bit of magic.
That’s amazing. Why do we do that?
That’s pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
Oool.
I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those?
Oopy that visual.
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.
Say again? You’re reporting
a moving flower?
Affirmative.
That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it?
I don’t know, but I’m loving this color.
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.
Yeah, fuzzy.
Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby.
My sweet lord of bees!
Oandy-brain, get off there!
Problem!
– Guys!
– This could be bad.
Affirmative.
Very close.
Gonna hurt.
Mama’s little boy.
You are way out of position, rookie!
Ooming in at you like a missile!
Help me!
I don’t think these are flowers.
– Should we tell him?
– I think he knows.
What is this?!
Match point!
You can start packing up, honey,
because you’re about to eat it!
Yowser!
Gross.
There’s a bee in the car!
– Do something!
– I’m driving!
– Hi, bee.
– He’s back here!
He’s going to sting me!
Nobody move. If you don’t move,
he won’t sting you. Freeze!
He blinked!
Spray him, Granny!
What are you doing?!
Wow… the tension level
out here is unbelievable.
I gotta get home.
Oan’t fly in rain.
Oan’t fly in rain.
Oan’t fly in rain.
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.
You see? Folds out.
Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this.
What was that?
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This…
Drapes!
That is diabolical.
It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
What’s number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don’t go for that…
…kind of stuff.
No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them.
They’re out of their minds.
When I leave a job interview, they’re
flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say.
There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out.
I don’t remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.
I predicted global warming.
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee!
Stand back. These are winter boots.
Wait!
Don’t kill him!
You know I’m allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!
Why does his life have
less value than yours?
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?
I’m just saying all life has value. You
don’t know what he’s capable of feeling.
My brochure!
There you go, little guy.
I’m not scared of him.
It’s an allergic thing.
Put that on your resume brochure.
My whole face could puff up.
Make it one of your special skills.
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
– Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
– Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
– You could put carob chips on there.
– Bye.
– Supposed to be less calories.
– Bye.
I gotta say something.
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.
All right, here it goes.
Nah.
What would I say?
I could really get in trouble.
It’s a bee law.
You’re not supposed to talk to a human.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve got to.
Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No.
Do it. I can’t.
How should I start it?
“You like jazz?” No, that’s no good.
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
Hi!
I’m sorry.
– You’re talking.
– Yes, I know.
You’re talking!
I’m so sorry.
No, it’s OK. It’s fine.
I know I’m dreaming.
But I don’t recall going to bed.
Well, I’m sure this
is very disconcerting.
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you’re a bee!
I am. And I’m not supposed
to be doing this,
but they were all trying to kill me.
And if it wasn’t for you…
I had to thank you.
It’s just how I was raised.
That was a little weird.
– I’m talking with a bee.
– Yeah.
I’m talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!
I just want to say I’m grateful.
I’ll leave now.
– Wait! How did you learn to do that?
– What?
The talking thing.
Same way you did, I guess.
“Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.
– That’s very funny.
– Yeah.
Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh,
we’d cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway…
Oan I…
…get you something?
– Like what?
I don’t know. I mean…
I don’t know. Ooffee?
I don’t want to put you out.
It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes.
– It’s just coffee.
– I hate to impose.
– Don’t be ridiculous!
– Actually, I would love a cup.
Hey, you want rum cake?
– I shouldn’t.
– Have some.
– No, I can’t.
– Oome on!
I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms.
– Where?
– These stripes don’t help.
You look great!
I don’t know if you know
anything about fashion.
Are you all right?
No.
He’s making the tie in the cab
as they’re flying up Madison.
He finally gets there.
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.
And he says, “Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.
Why would I marry a watermelon?”
Is that a bee joke?
That’s the kind of stuff we do.
Yeah, different.
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
About work? I don’t know.
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can’t do it the way they want.
I know how you feel.
– You do?
– Sure.
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
– Really?
– My only interest is flowers.
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.
Anyway, if you look…
There’s my hive right there. See it?
You’re in Sheep Meadow!
Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond!
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.
– Why do girls put rings on their toes?
– Why not?
– It’s like putting a hat on your knee.
– Maybe I’ll try that.
– You all right, ma’am?
– Oh, yeah. Fine.
Just having two cups of coffee!
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.
Yeah, it’s no trouble.
Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did,
I’d be up the rest of my life.
Are you…?
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
– Thanks!
– Yeah.
All right. Well, then…
I guess I’ll see you around.
Or not.
OK, Barry.
And thank you
so much again… for before.
Oh, that? That was nothing.
Well, not nothing, but… Anyway…
This can’t possibly work.
He’s all set to go.
We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
– Sounds amazing.
– It was amazing!
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.
Humans! I can’t believe
you were with humans!
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.
– Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
– Some of them. But some of them don’t.
– How’d you get back?
– Poodle.
You did it, and I’m glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.
You had your “experience.” Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.
– Well…
– Well?
Well, I met someone.
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
– A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
– No, no, no, not a wasp.
– Spider?
– I’m not attracted to spiders.
I know it’s the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.
I can’t get by that face.
So who is she?
She’s… human.
No, no. That’s a bee law.
You wouldn’t break a bee law.
– Her name’s Vanessa.
– Oh, boy.
She’s so nice. And she’s a florist!
Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist!
We’re not dating.
You’re flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
She saved my life!
And she understands me.
This is over!
Eat this.
This is not over! What was that?
– They call it a crumb.
– It was so stingin’ stripey!
And that’s not what they eat.
That’s what falls off what they eat!
– You know what a Oinnabon is?
– No.
It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up…
Sit down!
…really hot!
– Listen to me!
We are not them! We’re us.
There’s us and there’s them!
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?
There’s no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!
– Thinking bee.
– Thinking bee.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
There he is. He’s in the pool.
You know what your problem is, Barry?
I gotta start thinking bee?
How much longer will this go on?
It’s been three days!
Why aren’t you working?
I’ve got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You’re barely a bee!
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?
Barry, come out.
Your father’s talking to you.
Martin, would you talk to him?
Barry, I’m talking to you!
You coming?
Got everything?
All set!
Go ahead. I’ll catch up.
Don’t be too long.
Watch this!
Vanessa!
– We’re still here.
– I told you not to yell at him.
He doesn’t respond to yelling!
– Then why yell at me?
– Because you don’t listen!
I’m not listening to this.
Sorry, I’ve gotta go.
– Where are you going?
– I’m meeting a friend.
A girl? Is this why you can’t decide?
Bye.
I just hope she’s Bee-ish.
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that’s every florist’s dream!
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?
No. All right, I’ve got one.
How come you don’t fly everywhere?
It’s exhausting. Why don’t you
run everywhere? It’s faster.
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That’s insane!
You don’t have that?
We have Hivo, but it’s a disease.
It’s a horrible, horrible disease.
Oh, my.
Dumb bees!
You must want to sting all those jerks.
We try not to sting.
It’s usually fatal for us.
So you have to watch your temper.
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:
Anger, jealousy, lust.
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
Yeah.
– What is wrong with you?!
– It’s a bug.
He’s not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!
What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular?
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
You’ve really got that
down to a science.
– I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
– I’ll bet.
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
Ray Liotta Private Select?
– Is he that actor?
– I never heard of him.
– Why is this here?
– For people. We eat it.
You don’t have
enough food of your own?
– Well, yes.
– How do you get it?
– Bees make it.
– I know who makes it!
And it’s hard to make it!
There’s heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!
– It’s organic.
– It’s our-ganic!
It’s just honey, Barry.
Just what?!
Bees don’t know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
You’ve taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!
And it’s on sale?!
I’m getting to the bottom of this.
I’m getting to the bottom
of all of this!
Hey, Hector.
– You almost done?
– Almost.
He is here. I sense it.
Well, I guess I’ll go home now
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.
You’re busted, box boy!
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!
I can talk.
And now you’ll start talking!
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who’s your supplier?
I don’t understand.
I thought we were friends.
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!
You’re too late! It’s ours now!
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
they’re on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You’re not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I’m going to Tacoma.
– And you?
– He really is dead.
All right.
Uh-oh!
– What is that?!
– Oh, no!
– A wiper! Triple blade!
– Triple blade?
Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington,
I’m Oarl Kasell.
But don’t kill no more bugs!
– Bee!
– Moose blood guy!!
– You hear something?
– Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they’re getting it.
I mean, that honey’s ours.
– Bees hang tight.
– We’re all jammed in.
It’s a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
– What if you get in trouble?
– You a mosquito, you in trouble.
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you’re out in the world.
You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood’s about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
– Hey, guys!
– Mooseblood!
I knew I’d catch y’all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it’s pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee’s got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
– Oheck out the new smoker.
– Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
“They make the honey,
and we make the money”?
Oh, my!
What’s going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn’t last too long.
Do you know you’re
in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
This is your queen?
That’s a man in women’s clothes!
That’s a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There’s hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That’s a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That’s a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He’s been talking to humans.
– What?
– Talking to humans?!
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
– You wish you could.
– Whose side are you on?
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn’t stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it’s true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
– That would hurt.
– No.
Up the nose? That’s a killer.
There’s only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive’s only
full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
– Good evening. I’m Bob Bumble.
– And I’m Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we’ll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we’re talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, “I’m a kid
from the hive. I can’t do this”?
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I’m from, we’d never sue humans.
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
It’s a common name. Next week…
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots…
Next week…
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard ’em.
Bear Week next week!
They’re scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81.
Honey, her backhand’s a joke!
I’m not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
– Is that that same bee?
– Yes, it is!
I’m helping him sue the human race.
– Hello.
– Hello, bee.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go
’cause we’re really busy working.
But it’s our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
– Frosting…
– How many sugars?
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you’re three.
And artificial flowers.
– Oh, those just get me psychotic!
– Yeah, me too.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that’s had work done.
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
– This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal.
– I guess.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I’m done with
the humans, they won’t be able
to say, “Honey, I’m home,”
without paying a royalty!
It’s an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It’s pretty big, isn’t it?
I can’t believe how many humans
don’t work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
– What’s the matter?
– I don’t know, I just got a chill.
Well, if it isn’t the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing
the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson… you’re representing
all the bees of the world?
I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we’re ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man’s divine right
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn’t some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen,
there’s no trickery here.
I’m just an ordinary bee.
Honey’s pretty important to me.
It’s important to all bees.
We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
’cause we’re the little guys!
I’m hoping that, after this is all over,
you’ll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he’d dress like that
all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
I don’t imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
– No.
– I couldn’t hear you.
– No.
– No.
Because you don’t free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
They’re very lovable creatures.
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
You mean like this?
Bears kill bees!
How’d you like his head crashing
through your living room?!
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!
OK, that’s enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.
– Where have I heard it before?
– I was with a band called The Police.
But you’ve never been
a police officer, have you?
No, I haven’t.
No, you haven’t. And so here
we have yet another example
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.
Oh, please.
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
Because I’m feeling
a little stung, Sting.
Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
That’s not his real name?! You idiots!
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.
Thank you. Thank you.
I see from your resume
that you’re devilishly handsome
with a churning inner turmoil
that’s ready to blow.
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
Not yet it isn’t. But is this
what it’s come to for you?
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don’t
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!
This isn’t a goodfella.
This is a badfella!
Why doesn’t someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!
– Order in this court!
– You’re all thinking it!
Order! Order, I say!
– Say it!
– Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.
I think the jury’s on our side.
Are we doing everything right, legally?
I’m a florist.
Right. Well, here’s to a great team.
To a great team!
Well, hello.
– Ken!
– Hello.
I didn’t think you were coming.
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but… the battery.
I didn’t want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
Oh, that was lucky.
There’s a little left.
I could heat it up.
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
So I hear you’re quite a tennis player.
I’m not much for the game myself.
The ball’s a little grabby.
That’s where I usually sit.
Right… there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn’t really a special skill.
You think I don’t see what you’re doing?
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.
Do we?
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That’s just what
I was thinking about doing.
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
I’m going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that.
Look at that.
You know, I’ve just about had it
with your little mind games.
– What’s that?
– Italian Vogue.
Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages.
A lot of ads.
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?
Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that!
I think something stinks in here!
I love the smell of flowers.
How do you like the smell of flames?!
Not as much.
Water bug! Not taking sides!
Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!
I’ve got issues!
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
– You’re bluffing.
– Am I?
Surf’s up, dude!
Poo water!
That bowl is gnarly.
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
You know, I don’t even like honey!
I don’t eat it!
We need to talk!
He’s just a little bee!
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time!
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you’re one of them!
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!
Goodbye, Ken.
And for your information,
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!
I’m sorry about all that.
I know it’s got
an aftertaste! I like it!
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.
I couldn’t overcome it.
Oh, well.
Are you OK for the trial?
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
Good idea! You can really see why he’s
considered one of the best lawyers…
Yeah.
Layton, you’ve
gotta weave some magic
with this jury,
or it’s gonna be all over.
Don’t worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around
is to remind them
of what they don’t like about bees.
– You got the tweezers?
– Are you allergic?
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you
what I think we’d all like to know.
What exactly is your relationship
to that woman?
We’re friends.
– Good friends?
– Yes.
How good? Do you live together?
Wait a minute…
Are you her little…
…bedbug?
I’ve seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,
doesn’t your queen give birth
to all the bee children?
– Yeah, but…
– So those aren’t your real parents!
– Oh, Barry…
– Yes, they are!
Hold me back!
You’re an illegitimate bee,
aren’t you, Benson?
He’s denouncing bees!
Don’t y’all date your cousins?
– Objection!
– I’m going to pincushion this guy!
Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants!
Oh, I’m hit!!
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order!
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!
You see? You can’t treat them
like equals! They’re striped savages!
Stinging’s the only thing
they know! It’s their way!
– Adam, stay with me.
– I can’t feel my legs.
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison
from my heaving buttocks?
I will have order in this court. Order!
Order, please!
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race
took a pointed turn against the bees
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
– Hey, buddy.
– Hey.
– Is there much pain?
– Yeah.
I…
I blew the whole case, didn’t I?
It doesn’t matter. What matters is
you’re alive. You could have died.
I’d be better off dead. Look at me.
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
Look, there’s
a little celery still on it.
What was it like to sting someone?
I can’t explain it. It was all…
All adrenaline and then…
and then ecstasy!
All right.
You think it was all a trap?
Of course. I’m sorry.
I flew us right into this.
What were we thinking? Look at us. We’re
just a couple of bugs in this world.
What will the humans do to us
if they win?
I don’t know.
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn’t sound so bad.
Adam, they check in,
but they don’t check out!
Oh, my.
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?
– Why?
– The smoke.
Bees don’t smoke.
Right. Bees don’t smoke.
Bees don’t smoke!
But some bees are smoking.
That’s it! That’s our case!
It is? It’s not over?
Get dressed. I’ve gotta go somewhere.
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.
And assuming you’ve done step correctly, you’re ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman.
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
Where is the rest of your team?
Well, Your Honor, it’s interesting.
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
and as a result,
we don’t make very good time.
I actually heard a funny story about…
Your Honor,
haven’t these ridiculous bugs
taken up enough
of this court’s valuable time?
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!
Mr. Flayman, I’m afraid I’m going
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery’s motion.
But you can’t! We have a terrific case.
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?
Show me the smoking gun!
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?
Here is your smoking gun.
What is that?
It’s a bee smoker!
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?
This couldn’t hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.
Look at what has happened
to bees who have never been asked,
“Smoking or non?”
Is this what nature intended for us?
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?
– What are we gonna do?
– He’s playing the species card.
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
The court finds in favor of the bees!
Vanessa, we won!
I knew you could do it! High-five!
Sorry.
I’m OK! You know what this means?
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.
Now we won’t have
to work so hard all the time.
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.
You’ll regret this.
Barry, how much honey is out there?
All right. One at a time.
Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.
– What if Montgomery’s right?
– What do you mean?
We’ve been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we’ll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,
every last drop.
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.
We’re all aware
of what they do in the woods.
Wait for my signal.
Take him out.
He’ll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he’ll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames…
But it’s just a prance-about stage name!
…unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.
Oan’t breathe.
Bring it in, boys!
Hold it right there! Good.
Tap it.
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there’s gallons more coming!
– I think we need to shut down!
– Shut down? We’ve never shut down.
Shut down honey production!
Stop making honey!
Turn your key, sir!
What do we do now?
Oannonball!
We’re shutting honey production!
Mission abort.
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.
Adam, you wouldn’t believe
how much honey was out there.
Oh, yeah?
What’s going on? Where is everybody?
– Are they out celebrating?
– They’re home.
They don’t know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.
At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn’t?
It’s the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.
And now…
Now I can’t.
I don’t understand
why they’re not happy.
I thought their lives would be better!
They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing.
Honey really changes people.
You don’t have any idea
what’s going on, do you?
– What did you want to show me?
– This.
What happened here?
That is not the half of it.
Oh, no. Oh, my.
They’re all wilting.
Doesn’t look very good, does it?
No.
And whose fault do you think that is?
You know, I’m gonna guess bees.
Bees?
Specifically, me.
I didn’t think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.
It’s notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
That’s our whole SAT test right there.
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.
And then, of course…
The human species?
So if there’s no more pollination,
it could all just go south here,
couldn’t it?
I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact?
How do we do it?
– I’ll sting you, you step on me.
– Thatjust kills you twice.
Right, right.
Listen, Barry…
sorry, but I gotta get going.
I had to open my mouth and talk.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.
They’ve moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.
It’s the last chance
I’ll ever have to see it.
Vanessa, I just wanna say I’m sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.
I know. Me neither.
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can’t do sports.
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
Roses!
Vanessa!
Roses?!
Barry?
– Roses are flowers!
– Yes, they are.
Flowers, bees, pollen!
I know.
That’s why this is the last parade.
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down?
Barry!
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.
Yes, it kind of is.
I’ve ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you
with the flower shop.
I’ve made it worse.
Actually, it’s completely closed down.
I thought maybe you were remodeling.
But I have another idea, and it’s
greater than my previous ideas combined.
I don’t want to hear it!
All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.
I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.
All we gotta do is get what they’ve got
back here with what we’ve got.
– Bees.
– Park.
– Pollen!
– Flowers.
– Repollination!
– Across the nation!
Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.
They’ve got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
Security will be tight.
I have an idea.
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
Official floral business. It’s real.
Sorry, ma’am. Nice brooch.
Thank you. It was a gift.
Once inside,
we just pick the right float.
How about The Princess and the Pea?
I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!
Yes, I got it.
– Where should I sit?
– What are you?
– I believe I’m the pea.
– The pea?
It goes under the mattresses.
– Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
– I’m getting the marshal.
You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!
Let’s see what this baby’ll do.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Then all we do
is blend in with traffic…
…without arousing suspicion.
Once at the airport,
there’s no stopping us.
Stop! Security.
– You and your insect pack your float?
– Yes.
Has it been
in your possession the entire time?
Would you remove your shoes?
– Remove your stinger.
– It’s part of me.
I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.
Then if we’re lucky, we’ll have
just enough pollen to do the job.
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!
I think this is gonna work.
It’s got to work.
Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.
We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.
It looks like we’ll experience
a couple hours delay.
Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They’ll never make it.
I gotta get up there
and talk to them.
Be careful.
Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?
I’d like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
Oaptain, I’m in a real situation.
– What’d you say, Hal?
– Nothing.
Bee!
Don’t freak out! My entire species…
What are you doing?
– Wait a minute! I’m an attorney!
– Who’s an attorney?
Don’t move.
Oh, Barry.
Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?
And please hurry!
What happened here?
There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.
One’s bald, one’s in a boat,
they’re both unconscious!
– Is that another bee joke?
– No!
No one’s flying the plane!
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What’s your status?
This is Vanessa Bloome.
I’m a florist from New York.
Where’s the pilot?
He’s unconscious,
and so is the copilot.
Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?
As a matter of fact, there is.
– Who’s that?
– Barry Benson.
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.
It’s got giant wings, huge engines.
I can’t fly a plane.
– Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot?
– Yes.
How hard could it be?
Wait, Barry!
We’re headed into some lightning.
This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
where a suspenseful scene
is developing.
Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory…
That’s Barry!
…is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers
and an incapacitated flight crew.
Flowers?!
We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls
with absolutely no flight experience.
Just a minute.
There’s a bee on that plane.
I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.
They’ve done enough damage.
But isn’t he your only hope?
Technically, a bee
shouldn’t be able to fly at all.
Their wings are too small…
Haven’t we heard this a million times?
“The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense.”
– Get this on the air!
– Got it.
– Stand by.
– We’re going live.
The way we work may be a mystery to you.
Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.
But let me tell you about a small job.
If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.
More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.
That’s why I want to get bees
back to working together.
That’s the bee way!
We’re not made of Jell-O.
We get behind a fellow.
– Black and yellow!
– Hello!
Left, right, down, hover.
– Hover?
– Forget hover.
This isn’t so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Barry, what happened?!
Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.
– That may have been helping me.
– And now we’re not!
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
All of you, let’s get
behind this fellow! Move it out!
Move out!
Our only chance is if I do what I’d do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!
Don’t have to yell.
I’m not yelling!
We’re in a lot of trouble.
It’s very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!
It’s not a tone. I’m panicking!
I can’t do this!
Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!
You snap out of it.
You snap out of it.
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– Hold it!
– Why? Oome on, it’s my turn.
How is the plane flying?
I don’t know.
Hello?
Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?
The Pollen Jocks!
They do get behind a fellow.
– Black and yellow.
– Hello.
All right, let’s drop this tin can
on the blacktop.
Where? I can’t see anything. Oan you?
No, nothing. It’s all cloudy.
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
– Thinking bee.
– Thinking bee.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Wait a minute.
I think I’m feeling something.
– What?
– I don’t know. It’s strong, pulling me.
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
Bring the nose down.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
– What in the world is on the tarmac?
– Get some lights on that!
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
– Vanessa, aim for the flower.
– OK.
Out the engines. We’re going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?
Affirmative!
Good. Good. Easy, now. That’s it.
Land on that flower!
Ready? Full reverse!
Spin it around!
– Not that flower! The other one!
– Which one?
– That flower.
– I’m aiming at the flower!
That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower
made of millions of bees!
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
Rotate around it.
– This is insane, Barry!
– This’s the only way I know how to fly.
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?
Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!
Just drop it. Be a part of it.
Aim for the center!
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
Oome on, already.
Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!
– Yes. No high-five!
– Right.
Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?
What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!
– Thank you.
– But we’re not done yet.
Listen, everyone!
This runway is covered
with the last pollen
from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.
That means this is our last chance.
We’re the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.
If we’re gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?
Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?
We’re bees!
Keychain!
Then follow me! Except Keychain.
Hold on, Barry. Here.
You’ve earned this.
Yeah!
I’m a Pollen Jock! And it’s a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
Oh, yeah.
That’s our Barry.
Mom! The bees are back!
If anybody needs
to make a call, now’s the time.
I got a feeling we’ll be
working late tonight!
Here’s your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who’s next?
Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don’t forget these.
Milk, cream, cheese, it’s all me.
And I don’t see a nickel!
Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!
I had no idea.
Barry, I’m sorry.
Have you got a moment?
Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.
Sorry I’m late.
He’s a lawyer too?
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.
Have a great afternoon!
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can’t get them anywhere.
No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.
You’re a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who’s next?
All right, scramble, jocks!
It’s time to fly.
Thank you, Barry!
That bee is living my life!
Let it go, Kenny.
– When will this nightmare end?!
– Let it all go.
– Beautiful day to fly.
– Sure is.
Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.
You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.
– Thinking bee!
– Me?
Hold it. Let’s just stop
for a second. Hold it.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?
I’m not making a major life decision
during a production number!
All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
Senator, we’re making
our final approach into Coruscant.
Very good, Lieutenant.
[ Droid Beeping ]
[ Grunts ]
We made it.
[ Man ]
I guess I was wrong.
There was no danger at all.
Cord.
Milady, I’m so sorry.
I’ve failed you, Senator.
No.
Milady, you’re still
in danger here.
– I shouldn’t have come back.
– This vote is very important.
You did your duty.
Cord did hers. Now, come.
Senator Amidala,
please.
I don’t know how much longer
I can hold off the vote, my friends.
More and more star systems
are joining the separatists.
– If they do break away–
– I will not let this Republic…
that has stood for a thousand years
be split in two.
My negotiations
will not fail.
If they do,you must realize
there aren’t enoughJedi
to protect the Republic.
We’re keepers of the peace,
not soldiers.
Master Yoda.
Do you think it will
really come to war?
Hmm, the dark side
clouds everything.
Impossible to see
the future is.
[ Speaking Huttese ]
The Loyalist Committee
has arrived, Your Honor.
– Good.
– [ Huttese ]
Send them in.
We will discuss
this matter later.
Senator Amidala,
your tragedy on the landing platform–
terrible.
Seeing you alive
brings warm feelings to my heart.
Do you have any idea
who was behind this attack?
Our intelligence points to disgruntled
spice miners on the moons of Naboo.
I think that Count Dooku
was behind it.
He is a political idealist,
not a murderer.
You know, milady,
Count Dooku was once a Jedi.
He couldn’t assassinate anyone.
It’s not in his character.
But for certain,
Senator…
in grave danger you are.
MasterJedi,
may I suggest…
the senator
be placed…
under the protection
of your graces.
Do you really think that’s a wise
decision under these stressful times?
Chancellor, if I may comment,
I do not believe–
The situation
is that serious?
No, but I do, Senator.
I realize all too well
that additional security…
might be
disruptive for you…
but perhaps someone
you’re familiar with.
An old friend,
like Master Kenobi.
That’s possible.
He’s just returned
from a border dispute on Ansion.
Do it for me, milady.
Please?
The thought
of losing you…
is unbearable.
I will have Obi-Wan
report to you immediately, milady.
[ Senator Amidala ]
Thank you, Master Windu.
You seem
a little on edge.
– Not at all.
– I haven’t felt you this tense…
since we fell into
that nest of gundarks.
[ Scoffs ] You fell into
that nightmare, Master…
and I rescued you,
remember?
Oh… yes.
[ Laughing ]
[ Chuckles ]
You’re sweating. Relax.
Take a deep breath.
I haven’t seen her
in ten years, Master.
Obi? Obi!
Mesa so smilen
to seein yousa!
– Good to see you again,JarJar.
– Senator Padm.
Mesa palos here!
Lookie, lookie, Senator.
Desa Jedi arriven.
It’s a great pleasure
to see you again, milady.
It has been far too long,
Master Kenobi.
Ani? My goodness,
you’ve grown.
So have you.
Grown more beautiful, I mean.
Well, f-for a senator,
I mean.
Ani, you’ll always be that little boy
I knew on Tatooine.
Our presence here will be invisible,
milady, I can assure you.
I’m Captain Typho
of Her Majesty’s security service.
Queen Jamillia has been informed
of your assignment.
I am grateful you are here,
Master Kenobi.
The situation is more dangerous
than the senator will admit.
I don’t need more security.
I need answers.
I want to know
who’s trying to kill me.
We are here to protect you, Senator,
not to start an investigation.
We will find out
who’s trying to kill you, Padm.
– I promise you.
– We will not exceed our mandate…
my young Padawan learner.
I meant that in the interest
of protecting her, Master.
We will not go through
this exercise again, Anakin…
– and you will pay attention to my lead.
– Why?
What?
Why else do you think we were assigned
to her if not to find the killer?
Protection is a job
for local security, notJedi.
It’s overkill, Master.
Investigation is implied in our mandate.
We will do exactly
as the council has instructed.
And you will learn
your place, young one.
Perhaps with
merely your presence…
the mystery surrounding
this threat will be revealed.
Now, if you’ll
excuse me…
I will retire.
I know I’ll feel better
having you here.
I’ll have an officer stationed
on every floor, and I’ll be in
the control center downstairs.
Mesa busten wit happiness
seein yousa again, Ani.
She hardly even
recognized me,JarJar.
I’ve thought about her
every day since we parted, and…
she’s forgotten me completely.
Shesa happy. Happier den
mesa seein her in a longo time.
You’re focusing on the negative, Anakin.
Be mindful of your thoughts.
She was pleased to see us.
Now, let’s check the security.
I hit the ship,
but they used a decoy.
We’ll have to try something
more subtle this time, Zam.
My client is getting impatient.
Take these.
Be careful.
They’re very poisonous.
Zam, there can be
no mistakes this time.
Captain Typho has
more than enough men downstairs.
No assassin would try that way.
– Any activity up here?
– Quiet as a tomb.
I don’t like just waiting here
for something to happen to her.
– [ Beeping ]
– What’s going on?
Ah, she covered
the cameras.
I don’t think
she liked me watching her.
What is she thinking?
She programmed R2
to warn us if there is an intruder.
[ Obi-Wan ] There are many
other ways to kill a senator.
[ Anakin ] I know, but we also want to
catch this assassin, don’t we, Master?
You’re using her as bait.
It was her idea.
Don’t worry.
No harm will come to her.
I can sense everything
going on in that room.
Trust me.
It’s too risky.
Besides, your senses aren’t
that attuned, my young apprentice.
And yours are?
Possibly.
You look tired.
I don’t sleep well anymore.
Because of your mother?
I don’t know why
I keep dreaming about her.
Dreams pass in time.
I’d much rather dream
about Padm.
Just being around her again
is… intoxicating.
Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin.
They betray you.
You’ve made
a commitment to theJedi order,
a commitment not easily broken.
And don’t forget, she’s a politician,
and they’re not to be trusted.
[ Anakin ] She’s not like the others
in the senate, Master.
[ Obi-Wan ] It is my experience
that senators…
focus only on pleasing those
who fund their campaigns…
and they’re in no means scared of
forgetting the niceties of democracy…
-in order to get those funds.
– Not another lecture.
At least not on
the economics of politics.
[ R2-D2 Beeps ]
[ Beeping ]
And besides,
you’re generalizing.
– The chancellor doesn’t
appear to be corrupt.
– Palpatine is a politician.
[ Obi-Wan ] I have observed
that he is very clever…
in following the passions
and the prejudices of the senators.
I think he’s a good man. My–
I sense it too.
[ Gasps ]
[ Whirring ]
Stay here!
Are you all right,
milady?
Ah!
– [ Horn Honking ]
– What the–
[ Cursing In Huttese ]
Jedi poo doo!
– What took you so long?
– Oh, you know, Master.
– I couldn’t find a speeder
that I really liked…
– There he is.
with the open cockpit and
the right speed capabilities.
If you spent as much time
practicing your saber techniques
as you do your wit…
you would rival Master Yoda
as a swordsman.
– I thought I already did.
– Only in your mind,
my very young apprentice.
– Pull up, Anakin. Pull up!
– [ Laughing ]
– You know I don’t like it
when you do that.
– Sorry, Master.
I forgot you
don’t like flying.
I don’t mind flying,
but what you’re doing is suicide.
Anakin! How many times
have I told you– Ah!–
– Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
– stay away from power couplings!
That was good!
Where are you going?
He went that way.
Master, if we keep this chase
going any longer…
that creep is gonna
end up deep-fried…
and, personally, I’d very much
like to find out who he is
and who he’s working for.
This is a shortcut.
I think.
Well, you’ve lost him.
I’m deeply sorry, Master.
That was some shortcut,
Anakin.
He went completely
the other way.
– Once again you’ve proved–
– If you’ll excuse me.
I hate it when he does that.
[ Grunting ]
– [ Engine Accelerating ]
– [ Grunting ]
[ Shouting, Grunting ]
[ Onlookers Murmuring ]
Anakin!
– She went into the club, Master.
– Patience.
Use the Force. Think.
– Sorry, Master.
– He went in there to hide, not to run.
– Yes, Master.
– Next time, try not to lose it.
– Yes, Master.
– This weapon is your life.
I try, Master.
Why do I get the feeling
you’re going to be the death of me?
Don’t say that, Master. You’re
the closest thing I have to a father.
– Then why don’t you listen to me?
– I am trying.
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
– Can you see him?
– I think he is a she…
and I think she
is a changeling.
In that case,
be extra careful.
– Go and find her.
– Where are you going, Master?
For a drink.
Thank you.
You wanna buy
some death sticks?
You don’t want to
sell me death sticks.
– I don’t want to sell you death sticks.
– You want to go home…
– and rethink your life.
– I want to go home and rethink my life.
– [ Patron Shouting In Huttese ]
– [ Patrons Laughing ]
[ Cheering ]
– [ Screaming ]
– [ Patrons Gasping ]
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
Easy.Jedi business.
Go back to your drinks.
– [ Groaning ]
– Do you know who it was
you were trying to kill?
[ Moans ]
It was a senator from Naboo.
And who hired you?
It was just a job.
Who hired you? Tell us.
Tell us now!
It was a bounty hunter called–
[ Gagging ]
Wee shahnit… sleemo.
Toxic dart.
[ Yoda ] Track down this bounty hunter
you must, Obi-Wan.
Most importantly,
find out who he’s working for.
What about
Senator Amidala?
She will still
need protecting.
Handle that your Padawan will.
Anakin, escort the senator back
to her home planet of Naboo.
She’ll be safer there.
And don’t use registered transport.
Travel as refugees.
As the leader of the opposition,
it will be very difficult…
to get Senator Amidala
to leave the capital.
Until caught
this killer is…
our judgment she must respect.
– Hmm.
-[ Windu ] Anakin, go to the senate…
and ask Chancellor Palpatine
to speak with her about this matter.
I will talk with her. Senator Amidala
will not refuse an executive order.
I know her well enough
to assure you of that.
Thank you,
Your Excellency.
And so, they’ve finally
given you an assignment.
Your patience
has paid off.
Your guidance
more than my patience.
You don’t
need guidance, Anakin.
In time, you will learn
to trust your feelings.
Then you will be invincible.
I have said it many times: You are
the most gifted Jedi I have ever met.
Thank you,
Your Excellency.
I see you becoming
the greatest of all theJedi, Anakin…
even more powerful
than Master Yoda.
I am concerned
for my Padawan.
He is not ready to be given
this assignment on his own yet.
[ Yoda ] The council is confident
in its decision, Obi-Wan.
[ Windu ]
The boy has exceptional skills.
But he still has
much to learn, Master.
His abilities have made him,
well, arrogant.
Yes, yes.
A flaw more and more
common among Jedi.
Hmm.
Too sure of themselves
they are.
Even the older,
more experienced ones.
Remember, Obi-Wan,
if the prophecy is true…
your apprentice is the only one who
can bring the Force back into balance.
[ Padm ] I’m taking
an extended leave of absence.
It will be your responsibility
to take my place in the senate.
– Representative Binks,
I know I can count on you.
– Hmm?
Mesa honored to be taking on
dissa heavy burden.
Mesa accept this with muy, muy humility
and, uh–
JarJar, I don’t wish
to hold you up.
I’m sure you have
a great deal to do.
Of course.
Milady.
I do not like
this idea of hiding.
Don’t worry.
Now that the council
has ordered an investigation…
it won’t take Master Obi-Wan long
to find this bounty hunter.
I haven’t worked for a year to defeat
the Military Creation Act…
to not be here when
its fate is decided.
Sometimes we must let go of our pride
and do what is requested of us.
Anakin,
you’ve grown up.
Master Obi-Wan
manages not to see it.
Don’t get me wrong.
Obi-Wan is a great mentor.
As wise as Master Yoda and…
as powerful as Master Windu.
I am truly thankful
to be his apprentice.
In some ways–
a lot of ways–
I’m really ahead of him.
I’m ready for the trials…
but he feels that
I’m too unpredictable.
He won’t let me move on.
– That must be frustrating.
– It’s worse.
He’s overly critical.
He never listens.
He– He doesn’t understand.
It’s not fair!
All mentors have a way of seeing
more of our faults than we would like.
It’s the only way we grow.
[ Sighs ]
I know.
Anakin.
Don’t try to grow up too fast.
But I am grown up.
You said it yourself.
Please don’t look
at me like that.
– Why not?
– It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry, milady.
– Be safe, milady.
– Thank you, Captain.
Take good care of Dorm.
The threat’s on you two now.
He’ll be safe with me.
– You’ll be fine.
– It’s not me, milady.
I worry about you. What if they
realize you’ve left the capital?
Well, then myJedi protector
will have to prove how good he is.
Anakin.
Don’t do anything without first
consulting either myself or the council.
Yes, Master.
I’ll get to the bottom
of this plot quickly, milady.
You’ll be back here
in no time.
I’ll be most grateful for
your speed, MasterJedi.
– It’s time to go.
– I know.
Anakin, may the Force
be with you.
May the Force
be with you, Master.
Suddenly I’m afraid.
This is my first assignment
on my own. I am too.
Don’t worry.
We have R2 with us.
– [ Laughing ]
– [ Beeping ]
I do hope he doesn’t
try anything foolish.
I’d be more concerned
about her doing something than him.
Someone to see ya, honey!
Jedi, by the looks of him.
– Obi-Wan!
– Hello, Dex.
Take a seat.
I’ll be right with ya.
– You wanna cup o’jawa juice?
– Oh, yes. Thank you.
Hey, old buddy!
[ Both Laughing ]
Ohhh.
[ Coughs ]
So, my friend,
what can I do for ya?
You can tell me
what this is.
Well, whattaya know!
I ain’t seen one of these
since I was prospectin’…
on Subterrel,
beyond the outer rim.
[ Obi-Wan ] Can you tell me
where it came from? Thank you.
[ Dex ] This baby
belongs to them cloners.
What you got here
is a Kamino saberdart.
I wonder why it didn’t show up
in the analysis archives.
It’s these funny little cuts
on the side that give it away.
Those analysis droids
only focus on symbols. Huh!
I should think that you Jedi
would have more respect…
for the difference
between knowledge and…
[ Laughing ]
wisdom.
Well, if droids could think,
there’d be none of us here, would there?
Kamino. I’m not familiar with it.
Is it in the Republic?
No, no. It’s beyond
the outer rim.
I’d say about,
uh, 1 2 parsecs…
outside the Rishi Maze.
Should be easy to find,
even for those droids in your archives.
[ Chuckles ]
These, uh, Kaminoans
keep to themselves.
They’re cloners.
Damn good ones too.
– Cloners. Are they friendly?
– Oh, depends.
Depends on what, Dex?
On how good
your manners are…
and how big your, uh…
pocketbook is.
[ Chuckling ]
Hmm.
Did you call
for assistance?
– Yes, yes, I did.
– Are you having
a problem, Master Kenobi?
Yes, um, I’m looking for
a planetary system called Kamino.
– Kamino.
– It doesn’t show up
on the archive charts.
Kamino. It’s not a system
I’m familiar with.
Are you sure you have
the right coordinates?
According to my information, it should
appear in this quadrant here…
just south
of the Rishi Maze.
[ Beeping ]
I hate to say it, but it looks like
the system you’re searching for…
doesn’t exist.
Impossible. Perhaps the archives
are incomplete.
If an item does not appear
in our records…
it does not exist.
– Hey, you! No droids!
– [ Beeping ]
– Get outta here!
– [ Raspberries ]
– [ Beeping ]
– Thank you, R2.
– [ Chirping ]
– Must be difficult, having
sworn your life to theJedi…
not being able to visit the places
you like or do the things you like.
Or be with the people
that I love.
Are you allowed to love?
I thought that was
forbidden for a Jedi.
Attachment is forbidden.
Possession is forbidden.
Compassion, which I would define
as unconditional love…
is central
to a Jedi’s life.
So you might say that
we are encouraged to love.
– You’ve changed so much.
– Ah, you haven’t changed a bit.
You’re exactly the way
I remember you in my dreams.
[ Yoda ] Reach out.
Sense the Force around you.
Use your feelings
you must.
Younglings.
Younglings!
A visitor
we have.
[ Together]
Hello, Master Obi-Wan.
Hello. I’m sorry
to disturb you, Master.
What help can I be,
Obi-Wan? Hmm?
I’m looking for a planet
described to me by an old friend.
I trust him, but the systems
don’t show on the archive maps.
Mmm. Lost a planet
Master Obi-Wan has.
– How embarrassing.
-[ Children Giggling ]
How embarrassing.
Hmm?
Liam, the shades.
Gather round
the map reader.
Clear your minds…
and find Obi-Wan’s
wayward planet we will.
It ought to be… here…
but it isn’t.
Gravity is pulling all the stars
in the area towards this spot.
Hmm. Gravity’s
silhouette remains…
but the star
and all the planets…
disappeared they have.
How can this be?
Hmm? A thought?
-[ Yoda ] Anyone.
-[ Boy ] Master?
Because someone erased it
from the archive memory.
[ Yoda Chuckles ]
Truly wonderful
the mind of a child is.
[ Chuckling ]
The Padawan is right.
Go to the center
of gravity’s pull…
and find your planet
you will.
Hmm. The data
must have been erased.
But, Master Yoda, who could
empty information from the archives?
That’s impossible, isn’t it?
Dangerous and disturbing
this puzzle is.
Only a Jedi
could have erased those files.
But who and why,
harder to answer.
Meditate on this I will. Hmm.
I wasn’t the youngest queen
ever elected…
but now that I think back on it,
I’m not sure I was old enough.
I’m not sure
I was ready.
The people you served
thought you did a good job.
I heard they even tried
to amend the constitution
so you could stay in office.
I was relieved when
my two terms were up.
But when the queen asked me
to serve as senator…
I couldn’t refuse her.
I agree with her.
I think the Republic needs you.
I’m glad that you
chose to serve.
[ Padm ] If the senate
votes to create an army…
– I’m sure it’s going
to push us into a civil war.
– [ Man ] It’s unthinkable.
There hasn’t been a full-scale war
since the formation of the Republic.
Do you see any way
through negotiations…
to bring the separatists
back into the Republic?
Not if they feel threatened.
My guess is they’ll turn
to the Trade Federations
or the Commerce Guilds for help.
It’s outrageous, but after four trials
in the Supreme Court…
Nute Gunray is still the viceroy
of the Trade Federation.
I fear the senate is powerless
to resolve this crisis.
We must keep our faith
in the Republic.
The day we stop believing democracy
can work is the day we lose it.
Let’s pray that day
never comes.
In the meantime,
we must consider your own safety.
What is your suggestion,
MasterJedi?
Oh, Anakin’s
not a Jedi yet.
He’s still a Padawan learner.
But I was thinking–
– Hold on a minute.
– Excuse me.
I was thinking I would stay
in the lake country.
There are some places up there
that are very isolated.
Excuse me. I’m in charge
of security here, milady.
And this is my home. I know it
very well. That is why we’re here.
I think it would be wise
if you took advantage of
my knowledge in this instance.
Sorry, milady.
[ Queen Jamillia ]
Perfect. It’s settled, then.
There it is, R4, right where it
should be. Our missing planet Kamino.
[ Whistling, Beeping ]
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
MasterJedi.
The prime minister
is expecting you.
– I’m expected?
– Of course.
He is anxious
to meet you.
After all these years…
we were beginning to think
you weren’t coming.
Now, please, this way.
May I present Lama Su…
prime minister of Kamino.
And this is MasterJedi–
Obi-Wan Kenobi.
I trust you’re going
to enjoy your stay.
Please.
And now to business.
You will be delighted
to hear that we are on schedule.
are ready…
with a million more
well on the way.
That’s good news.
Please tell
your Master Sifo-Dyas…
that his order
will be met on time.
I’m sorry. Master–
Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas is still
a leading member of theJedi Council…
is he not?
Master Sifo-Dyas was killed
almost ten years ago.
Oh, I’m so sorry
to hear that.
But I’m sure he would have been proud
of the army we’ve built for him.
– The army?
– Yes.
A clone army, and I must say,
one of the finest we’ve ever created.
Tell me, Prime Minister…
when my master
first contacted you about the army…
did– did he say
who it was for?
Of course he did.
This army
is for the Republic.
But you must be anxious
to inspect the units for yourself.
That’s why I’m here.
We used to come here
for school retreat.
We would swim
to that island every day.
I love the water.
We used to lie out on the sand
and let the sun dry us…
and try to guess the names
of the birds singing.
I don’t like sand.
It’s coarse and rough
and irritating…
and it gets everywhere.
Not like here.
Here, everything is soft…
and smooth.
No.
[ Gasps ]
I shouldn’t have done that.
I’m sorry.
– Very impressive.
– I’d hoped you would be pleased.
[ Lama Su ]
Clones can think creatively.
You will find that they are
immensely superior to droids.
We take great pride in our combat
education and training programs.
This group was created
about five years ago.
[ Obi-Wan ] You mentioned
growth acceleration.
[ Lama Su ]
Oh,yes, it’s essential.
Otherwise, a mature clone
would take a lifetime to grow.
Now we can do it
in half the time.
[ Obi-Wan ]
I see.
[ Lama Su ]
They are totally obedient…
taking any order
without question.
We modified
their genetic structure…
to make them less independent
than the original host.
And who was
the original host?
A bounty hunter
called Jango Fett.
And where is
this bounty hunter now?
Oh, we keep him here.
[ Lama Su ] Apart from his pay,
which is considerable…
Fett demanded
only one thing:
an unaltered clone
for himself.
– Curious, isn’t it?
– ”Unaltered”?
[ Lama Su ]
Pure genetic replication.
No tampering with the structure
to make it more docile…
and no growth acceleration.
I should very much like
to meet this Jango Fett.
I would be very happy
to arrange it for you.
Magnificent, aren’t they?
– I don’t know.
– [ Chuckles ]
Sure you do.
You just don’t want to tell me.
You gonna use one of
yourJedi mind tricks on me?
They only work
on the weak-minded.
All right.
I was 1 2.
His name was Palo. We were both
in the Legislative Youth Program.
He was a few years older than I.
Very cute.
Dark, curly hair.
Dreamy eyes.
All right, I get the picture.
Whatever happened to him?
I went into public service;
he went on to become an artist.
– Maybe he was the smart one.
– You really don’t like politicians,
do you?
I like two or three…
but I’m not really sure
about one of them.
[ Both Chuckle ]
I don’t think
the system works.
How would you
have it work?
We need a system where the politicians
sit down and discuss the problem…
agree what’s in the best interest
of all the people, and then do it.
That’s exactly
what we do.
The trouble is that people
don’t always agree.
Well, then they
should be made to.
– By whom? Who’s gonna make them? You?
– I don’t know. Someone.
– Of course not me.
– But someone.
Someone wise.
Sounds an awful lot like
a dictatorship to me.
Well, if it works.
– You’re making fun of me.
– No.
I’d be much too frightened
to tease a senator.
[ Creature Bellowing ]
[ Anakin ]
Whoa, whoa!
[ Laughing ]
– [ Bellowing ]
– Oh, whoa! [ Grunting ]
– [ Lowing ]
– [ Grunts, Groans ]
Ani! Ani, are you all right?
[ Laughing ]
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Beeping ]
Boba, is your father here?
Boba, is your father here?
Yep.
May we see him?
Sure.
Dad, Taun We’s here.
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
Jango, welcome back.
Was your trip productive?
Fairly.
This is Jedi Master
Obi-Wan Kenobi.
He’s come to check
on our progress.
Your clones are very impressive.
You must be very proud.
I’m just a simple man
trying to make my way in the universe.
Ever made your way as far into
the interior as Coruscant?
– Once or twice.
– Recently?
Possibly.
Then you must know
Master Sifo-Dyas.
Uh, Boba,
rood eht so-heeck.
Master who?
[ Obi-Wan ]
Sifo-Dyas.
Is he not theJedi
who hired you for this job?
Never heard of him.
Really?
I was recruited by a man called Tyranus
on one of the moons of Bogden.
Curious.
Do you like your army?
I look forward
to seeing them in action.
They’ll do their job well.
I’ll guarantee that.
Thank you for
your time,Jango.
Always a pleasure
to meet a Jedi.
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
What is it, Dad?
Pack your things.
We’re leaving.
And when I got to them, we went into
aggressive negotiations. Thank you.
”Aggressive negotiations”?
What’s that?
Uh, well, negotiations
with a lightsaber.
– [ Laughing ] Oh.
– [ Laughing ]
If Master Obi-Wan caught me
doing this, he’d be very grumpy.
From the moment
I met you…
all those years ago…
not a day has gone by
when I haven’t thought of you.
And now that
I’m with you again…
I’m in agony.
The closer I get to you,
the worse it gets.
The thought of
not being with you–
I can’t breathe.
I’m haunted by the kiss
that you should never have given me.
My heart is beating…
hoping that that kiss
will not become a scar.
You are in my very soul…
tormenting me.
What can I do?
I will do anything that you ask.
If you are suffering
as much as I am, please, tell me.
I can’t.
We can’t.
It’s…just not possible.
Anything is possible, Padm.
Listen to me.
No, you listen.
We live in a real world.
Come back to it.
You’re studying to become a Jedi.
I’m– I’m a senator.
If you follow your thoughts
through to conclusion…
it’ll take us to a place
we cannot go…
regardless of the way
we feel about each other.
Then you do feel something.
I will not let you
give up your future for me.
You are asking me
to be rational.
That is something
I know I cannot do.
Believe me, I wish that I could
just wish away my feelings…
but I can’t.
I will not give in to this.
Well, you know, it…
wouldn’t have to
be that way.
We could keep it a secret.
We’d be living a lie…
one we couldn’t keep
even if we wanted to.
I couldn’t do that.
Could you, Anakin?
Could you live like that?
No. You’re right.
It would destroy us.
Tell your council that
the first battalions are ready.
And remind them,
if they need more troops…
it will take more time
to grow them.
– I won’t forget, and thank you.
– Thank you.
– R4!
– [ Beeping ]
Scramble code five to Coruscant,
care of the old folks’ home!
[ Beeping ]
I have successfully made contact
with the prime minister of Kamino.
They are using a bounty hunter named
Jango Fett to create a clone army.
I have a strong feeling
that this bounty hunter…
is the assassin
we are looking for.
Do you think these cloners
are involved in the plot
to assassinate Senator Amidala?
No, Master.
There appears to be no motive.
[ Yoda ] Do not assume
anything, Obi-Wan.
Clear your mind must be…
if you are to discover
the real villains behind this plot.
Yes, Master.
They say Master Sifo-Dyas
placed an order for a clone army…
at the request of the senate
almost ten years ago.
I was under the impression
he was killed before that.
Did the council ever authorize
the creation of a clone army?
No. Whoever placed that order
did not have the authorization
of theJedi Council.
Bring him here.
Question him we will.
Yes, Master.
I will report back when I have him.
Blind we are if creation
of this clone army…
we could not see.
[ Sighs ]
I think it is time
we informed the senate…
that our ability to use
the Force has diminished.
Only the dark lord of the Sith
knows of our weakness.
If informed the senate is…
multiply our adversaries will.
No.
No.
Mom, no.
Don’t. No.
No.
Don’t go.
I don’t want to disturb you.
Your presence is soothing.
You had another nightmare
last night.
Jedi don’t have nightmares.
I heard you.
I saw my mother.
She is suffering, Padm.
I saw her as clearly
as I see you now.
[ Deep Sigh ]
She is in pain.
I know I’m disobeying my mandate
to protect you, Senator…
but I have to go.
I have to help her.
I’ll go with you.
I’m sorry.
I don’t have a choice.
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
Dad, look!
Boba, get on board!
– [Jango Shouts ]
– Oh, not good. [ Grunts ]
[ Driver Speaking Huttese ]
– Wait right there.
– Okey-okey.
Da wanga!
Chut-chut, Watto.
[ Speaking Huttese ]
Let me help you with that.
What? What do you want?
Wait! You’re a Jedi!
[ Grunts ]
Whatever it is, I didn’t do it.
Ai!
[ Grunts, Sighs ]
I’m looking for Shmi Skywalker.
– [ Fly Buzzing ]
– Ani?
Little Ani?
Nahhh.
You are Ani! It is you!
[ Laughing ]
You sure sprouted, huh?
Wee-hoo!
AJedi! Whattaya know!
[ Chuckles ]
Hey… maybe you could
help with some deadbeats
who owe me a lot of money.
My mother.
Oh, yeah. Shmi.
Uh… she’s not mine-a
no more-a. I sold her.
– You sold her?
– Years ago.
Sorry, Ani, but you know,
business is business, huh?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I sold her to
a moisture farmer named, uh, Lars.
At least I think
it was Lars.
Believe it or not, I heard
he freed her and married her!
Can ya beat that, eh?
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Do you know
where they are now?
Ooh, long way
from here.
Someplace over on the other side
of Mos Eisley, I think, mmm.
I’d like to know.
Eh, sure. Absolutely!
[ Chuckles ] Let’s go
look at my records, huh?
[ Chuckles ]
Mmm.
– [ Beeping ]
– Dad!
I think we’re being tracked!
[Jango ] He must have put
a homing device on our hull.
Hang on, son.
We’ll move into the asteroid field…
and we’ll have a couple
of surprises for him.
[ Cackling ]
[ Beeping ]
Seismic charges!
Stand by.
[ Beeping ]
He doesn’t seem
to take a hint, this guy.
Watch out!
– [ Rapid Beeping ]
– Get him, Dad! Get him! Fire!
Oh, blast!
This is why I hate flying!
– We got him!
– We’ll just have to finish him.
– R4, prepare to jettison
the spare part canisters.
– [ Beeping ]
– Fire them now!
– [ Beeping ]
– Well, we won’t be seeing him again.
– [ Chuckles ]
– Well, R4, I think
we’ve waited long enough.
– [ Beeping ]
There’s an unusual concentration
of Federation ships over there, R4.
[ R4 Beeps ]
[ Beeping ]
– [ R2-D2 Whistles, Beeps ]
– [ Padm ] Stay with the ship, R2.
[ Beeping ]
Oh! Um, uh, hello.
How might I be of service?
I am C–
– 3PO?
– Oh, um–
The maker!
Oh, Master Ani!
I knew you would return.
I knew it!
And Miss Padm. Oh, my.
Hello, 3PO.
Bless my circuits!
I’m so pleased to see you both.
I’ve come to see my mother.
Oh. Um, I think perhaps
we’d better go indoors.
Master Owen, might I present
two most important visitors.
I’m Anakin Skywalker.
Owen Lars. Uh, this is
my girlfriend, Beru.
– Hello.
– I’m Padm.
I guess
I’m your stepbrother.
I had a feeling
you might show up someday.
– Is my mother here?
– No, she’s not.
Cliegg Lars.
Shmi is my wife.
We should go inside.
We have a lot to talk about.
[ Cliegg ] It was just before dawn.
They came out of nowhere.
A hunting party
of Tusken Raiders.
Your mother had gone out early,
like she always did…
to pick mushrooms
that grow on the vaporators.
From the tracks,
she was about halfway home…
when they took her.
[ Sighs ]
Those Tuskens walk like men…
but they’re vicious,
mindless monsters.
Thirty of us went out after her.
Four of us came back.
I’d be out there with them,
but after I lost my leg…
I just couldn’t ride anymore
un-until I heal.
I don’t want
to give up on her…
but she’s been gone a month.
There’s little hope
she’s lasted this long.
Where are you going?
To find my mother.
Your mother’s dead, son.
Accept it.
You’re gonna have to stay here.
These are good people, Padm.
You’ll be safe.
Anakin–
I won’t be long.
[ Machinery Clanging ]
[ Man #1 ] We must persuade
the Commerce Guild…
and the Corporate Alliance
to sign the treaty.
What about the senator
from Naboo?
Is she dead yet?
I am not signing your treaty
until I have her head on my desk.
[ Man #1 ]
I am a man of my word, Viceroy.
[ Alien ] With these new battle droids
we’ve built for you…
you’ll have the finest army
in the galaxy.
[ Man #1 ]
As I explained to you earlier…
I am quite convinced
that 1 0,000 more systems…
will rally to our cause
with your support, gentlemen.
[ Speaking In Alien Language ]
What you are proposing
could be construed as treason.
The Techno Union army…
[ Electronic Warbling ]
is at your disposal, Count.
The Banking Clan
will sign your treaty.
[ Man #1 ]
Good. Very good.
Our friends from the Trade Federation
have pledged their support…
and when their battle droids
are combined with yours…
we shall have an army
greater than any in the galaxy.
TheJedi
will be overwhelmed.
The Republic will agree
to any demands we make.
[ Growling ]
[ Snarling ]
[ Growling, Snarling
Continue ]
[ Growling ]
[ Moaning ]
Mom.
Mom? Mom?
Ani?
Ani? Is it you?
I’m here, Mom.
You’re safe.
Ani?
Ani?
Oh, you look
so handsome.
My son.
Oh, my grown-up son.
I’m so proud of you, Ani.
I missed you.
Now I am complete.
I love y–
Stay with me, Mom.
Everything–
I love–
I– I love–
[ Groaning ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Qui-GonJinn’s Voice ]
Anakin! Anakin! No-o-o!
What is it?
Pain, suffering…
death I feel.
Something terrible
has happened.
Young Skywalker is in pain.
Terrible pain.
The transmitter is working,
but we’re not receiving a return signal.
Coruscant’s too far.
R4, can you boost the power?
– [ Beeping ]
– We’ll have to try something else.
[ Beeping ]
Maybe we can contact Anakin
on Naboo. It’s much closer.
Anakin?
Anakin, do you copy?
This is Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Anakin?
He’s not on Naboo, R4.
[ Beeping ]
I’m going to try
and widen the range.
I do hope nothing’s
happened to him.
That’s Anakin’s tracking signal,
all right…
but it’s coming
from Tatooine.
What in the blazes
is he doing there?
I told him to stay on Naboo.
[ Beeping ]
We haven’t got
much time.
Anakin?
Anakin, do you copy?
– This is Obi-Wan Kenobi.
– [ Creature Screeching ]
[ Static,
Obi-Wan’s Voice Breaks Up ]
Retransmit this message–
[ Garbled Audio ]
Anakin, do you copy?
Anakin–
My long-range– [ Static ]
has been knocked out.
– Retransmit this message to Coruscant.
– [ Beeping ]
I brought you something.
Are you hungry?
The shifter broke.
Life seems so much simpler
when you’re fixing things.
I’m good at fixing things.
Always was.
But I couldn’t–
Why’d she have to die?
Why couldn’t I save her?
I know I could have!
Sometimes there are things
no one can fix.
– You’re not all-powerful, Ani.
– Well, I should be!
Someday I will be.
I will be
the most powerfulJedi ever!
I promise you.
I will even learn
to stop people from dying.
Anakin.
It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!
He’s jealous!
He’s holding me back!
He’s jealous!
He’s holding me back!
– [ Object Clattering ]
– [ Sniffling ]
What’s wrong, Ani?
I–
I killed them.
I killed them all.
They’re dead.
Every single one of them.
And not just the men…
but the women…
and the children too.
They’re like animals,
and I slaughtered them like animals!
I hate them!
[ Anakin Exhales ]
To be angry
is to be human.
I’m a Jedi.
I know I’m better than this.
[ Cliegg ] I know wherever you are
it’s become a better place.
You were the most loving partner
a man could ever have.
Good-bye, my darling wife.
And thank you.
I wasn’t strong enough
to save you, Mom.
I wasn’t strong enough.
But I promise
I won’t fail again.
I miss you…
so much.
[ Beeping ]
R2? What are you
doing here?
[ Beeping ]
It seems that he is carrying a message
from an Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Hmm. Master Ani, does that name
mean anything to you?
[ Beeping ]
Anakin, my long-range transmitter
has been knocked out.
Retransmit this message
to Coruscant.
I have tracked the bounty hunter,
Jango Fett…
to the droid foundries
on Geonosis.
The Trade Federation is to take
delivery of a droid army here…
and it is clear
that Viceroy Gunray…
is behind the assassination attempts
on Senator Amidala.
The Commerce Guilds
and the Corporate Alliance…
have both pledged their armies
to Count Dooku and are forming a–
Wait. Wait.
– [ Lightsaber Whooshing ]
– [ Obi-Wan Grunting ]
More happening on Geonosis, I feel,
than has been revealed.
I agree.
Anakin, we will deal
with Count Dooku.
The most important thing for you
is to stay where you are.
Protect the senator
at all costs.
That is your first priority.
Understood, Master.
They’ll never get there
in time to save him.
They have to come halfway
across the galaxy. Look.
Geonosis is
less than a parsec away.
If he’s still alive.
Ani, are you just gonna sit here
and let him die?
– He’s your friend, your mentor. He’s–
– He’s like my father!
But you heard Master Windu.
He gave me strict orders to stay here!
He gave you strict orders
to protect me…
and I’m going to help Obi-Wan.
– If you plan to protect me,
you’ll just have to come along.
– [ Engines Power Up ]
I’m not worried, R2.
It’s just I’ve never flown before.
The Commerce Guilds are preparing
for war. There can be no doubt of that.
[ Palpatine ] Count Dooku
must have made a treaty with them.
[ Speaking In Alien Language ]
The debate is over.
Now we need that clone army.
Unfortunately,
the debate is not over.
The senate will never approve the use
of clones before the separatists attack.
This is a crisis.
The senate must vote the chancellor
emergency powers.
He can then approve
the creation of an army.
But what senator would have the courage
to propose such a radical amendment?
If only…
Senator Amidala were here.
Mm.
[ Screeching ]
[ Grumbling ]
Traitor.
Oh, no, my friend.
This is a mistake, a terrible mistake.
They have gone too far.
This is madness.
I thought you were
the leader here, Dooku.
This had nothing to do with me,
I assure you.
I will petition immediately
to have you set free.
Well, I hope it doesn’t take
too long. I have work to do.
May I ask why a Jedi knight…
is all the way out here
on Geonosis?
I’ve been tracking a bounty hunter
named Jango Fett.
Do you know him?
There are no bounty hunters here
that I am aware of.
The Geonosians
don’t trust them.
Who can blame them?
But he is here, I can assure you.
It’s a great pity that our paths
have never crossed before, Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon always spoke
very highly of you.
I wish he were still alive.
I could use his help right now.
Qui-Gon Jinn
would never join you.
Don’t be so sure,
my young Jedi.
You forget that he was once
my apprentice…
just as you
were once his.
He knew all about
the corruption in the senate…
but he would never have
gone along with it if he had
learned the truth as I have.
– The truth?
– The truth.
What if I told you
that the Republic…
was now under the control
of the dark lord of the Sith?
No, that’s not possible.
TheJedi would be aware of it.
The dark side of the Force
has clouded their vision, my friend.
Hundreds of senators
are now under the influence…
of a Sith lord
called Darth Sidious.
I don’t believe you.
The viceroy
of the Trade Federation…
was once in league
with this Darth Sidious…
but he was betrayed
ten years ago by the dark lord.
He came to me for help.
He told me everything.
You must join me, Obi-Wan…
and together
we will destroy the Sith!
I will never join you, Dooku.
It may be difficult
to secure your release.
[JarJar ] It’s-a clear
desa separatists made a pact…
wesa desa
Federation du Trade.
Senators, ”dellow felagates”.:
In response to this direct threat
to the Republic…
mesa propose
that the senate…
give immediately
emergency powers…
to the supreme chancellor.
[ Shouts Of Approval ]
Palpatine! Palpatine! Palpatine!
[ Shouting In Alien Language ]
[ Senate Chairman ]
Order! We shall have order!
It is with great reluctance…
that I have agreed
to this calling.
– I love democracy.
I love the Republic.
– [ Applause ]
The power you give me…
I will lay down
when this crisis has abated.
[ Cheering, Applause ]
And as my first act
with this new authority…
I will create a grand army
of the Republic…
to counter the increasing threats
of the separatists.
It is done, then.
Hmm.
I will take whatJedi we have left
and go to Geonosis and help Obi-Wan.
Visit I will
the cloners on Kamino, hmm…
and see this army they have
created for the Republic.
See those columns of steam
straight ahead?
They’re exhaust vents
of some type.
That’ll do.
Look, whatever happens
out there, follow my lead.
I’m not interested
in getting into a war here.
As a member
of the senate…
maybe I can find
a diplomatic solution to this mess.
Don’t worry. I’ve given up
trying to argue with you.
[ Whistling, Beeping ]
My obtuse little friend,
if they had needed our help…
they would have
asked for it, hmm?
You obviously have a great deal
to learn about human behavior.
[ Beeping ]
– [ Beeping ]
– For a mechanic…
you seem to do
an excessive amount of thinking.
– [ Beeping ]
– I am programmed
to understand humans!
[ Beeping ]
”What does that mean?” Oh!
– That means I am in charge here!
– [ Raspberries ]
Where are you going now?
You don’t know what’s out there.
Have you no sense at all?
Oh! Idiot!
– Please wait.
– [ Beeping ]
Do you know
where you’re going?
Wait.
[ Squawking ]
Oh, my–
Oh, oh, oh!
– [ Screaming ]
– Padm!
Ah!
[ Grunts ]
Oh, my goodness!
Shut me down!
Machines making machines.
Huh! How perverse.
[ Grunts ] Oh!
Calm down, R2.
I almost fell.
You’ll get your chance–
Oh! I’m scrap.
[ Grunting ]
It’s a nightmare!
Oh, I want to go home! Ahh!
Oh, what did I do
to deserve this?
[ Beeping ]
[ Whistling ]
– [ Padm Grunting ]
– [ Geonosian Screeching ]
Ahhh!
– [ Whistling ]
– Hmm. I wonder what happened
to poor little R2.
He’s always getting himself
into trouble. Oops.
Oh, no!
Uh-oh.
Oh!
Oh, I’m so confused.
Oh, not again.
Obi-Wan’s gonna kill me.
Don’t move,Jedi!
Take him away.
Don’t be afraid.
I’m not afraid to die.
I’ve been dying a little bit each day
since you came back into my life.
What are you talking about?
I love you.
You love me?
I thought that we had decided
not to fall in love…
that we would be forced
to live a lie…
and that it would
destroy our lives.
I think our lives are about
to be destroyed anyway.
I truly…
deeply love you…
and before we die,
I want you to know.
Eeyah!
[ Loud Cheering ]
[ Cheering ]
I was beginning to wonder
if you’d got my message.
I retransmitted it just as
you had requested, Master.
Then we decided
to come and rescue you.
Good job.
[ Cheering ]
[ Speaking In Geonosian ]
Settle down. Settle down.
[ Cheering Subsides ]
[ Speaking In Geonosian ]
Let the executions begin.
[ Cheering ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Screeching ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Roaring ]
I’ve got a bad feeling
about this.
– [ Shouting ]
– [ Bellowing ]
[ Creatures Roaring ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Snarling ]
-Just relax. Concentrate.
– What about Padm?
She seems to be
on top of things.
[ Roaring ]
[ Bellowing ]
[ Roaring ]
– [ Screaming ]
– [ Snarling ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Creature Yelps ]
She can’t do that!
Shoot her or– or something!
[ Whimpering, Snarling ]
– [ Shrieking ]
– [ Roaring ]
[ Hissing, Growling ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Subdued Growling ]
– Whoa! Yah!
– [ Growling, Roaring ]
Hyah! Hyah!
[ Cheering ]
– [ Snarling ]
– [ Bellowing ]
Jump!
Hyah! Hyah!
[ Shrieking ]
– [ Cheering ]
– [ Shouting ]
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!
Jango! Finish her off!.
Patience, Viceroy, patience.
She will die.
Master Windu,
how pleasant of you to join us.
This party’s over.
Brave but, uh, foolish,
my old Jedi friend.
– You’re impossibly outnumbered.
– [ Scoffs ] I don’t think so.
– We’ll see.
– [ Heavy Footsteps Approaching ]
[ Synthesized Voice ]
My legs aren’t moving.
I must need maintenance.
[ C-3PO ]
What’s all this noise?
A-A battle!
Oh, there’s been
some terrible mistake!
I’m programmed for etiquette,
not destruction!
– [ Roaring ]
– [ Obi-Wan Grunts ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Groaning, Yelling ]
[ Yowling ]
Die,Jedi dogs!
Oh! What did I say?
Hah!
Oh, dear.
I’m terribly sorry about all this.
Ohh!
Excuse me. I’m trapped.
I can’t get up.
You call this
a diplomatic solution?
No, I call it
aggressive negotiations.
– Uh-oh.
– Roger, roger.
[ Growling, Screeching ]
[ Creature Shrieking ]
– [ Beeping ]
– R2, what are you doing here?
[ Beeping ]
What are you doing?
Oh, stop that!
You’re going to strain
something. My neck!
– Now where are you taking me?
Oh, this is such a drag.
– [ Beeping ]
[ C-3PO ]
Oh, I’m quite beside myself.
R2, please be careful!
You’re singeing my circuits!
– [ Beeping ]
– Yes, but is my head on straight?
[ Dooku ] Master Windu,
you have fought gallantly…
worthy of recognition
in the archives of theJedi order.
Now it is finished.
Surrender,
and your lives will be spared.
We will not be hostages
to be bartered, Dooku!
Then, I’m sorry, old friend.
Look!
Look!
Around the survivors
a perimeter create.
[ Beeping, Chirping ]
Oh, I’ve had
the most peculiar dream.
If Dooku escapes…
rally more systems
to his cause he will.
Hold on!
Aim right above
the fuel cells!
Good call,
my young Padawan.
[ Viceroy Gunray ]
TheJedi have amassed a huge army.
That doesn’t seem possible.
How could theJedi
come up with an army so quickly?
We must send all available droids
into battle.
There are too many.
[ Speaking In Geonosian ]
Our communications have been jammed.
– Pilot, land in that assembly area!
– Yes, sir.
Sir, I have five special commando units
awaiting your orders, sir.
To the forward
command center take me.
Attack those Federation starships!
Quickly!
Master Yoda,
all forward positions are advancing.
Very good.
Very good.
[ Viceroy Gunray ]
This is not looking good at all!
We must get the starships
back into space.
[ Speaking In Geonosian ]
We have to order a retreat.
My master
will never allow the Republic…
to get away
with this treachery.
[ Speaking In Geonosian ]
I’m sending my warriors
to hide in the catacombs.
TheJedi must not find
our designs for the ultimate weapon.
If they find out what we are planning
to build, we’re doomed.
[ Geonosian ]
I will take the designs
with me to Coruscant.
They will be much safer there
with my master.
[ Alarm Blaring ]
Concentrate all your fire
on the nearest starship.
Yes, sir.
Move all quadrants
to sector 5-1 -5.
Look over there!
It’s Dooku!
Shoot him down!
We’re out of rockets, sir.
– Follow him!
– We’re gonna need some help!
There isn’t time!
Anakin and I can handle this!
[ Beeping ]
– [ Padm Yells ]
– [ Anakin ] Padm!
– Put the ship down!
– Anakin!
Don’t let your personal feelings
get in the way! Follow that speeder!
– Lower the ship!
– I can’t take Dooku alone!
I need you! If we catch him,
we can end this war right now!
– We have a job to do!
– I don’t care! Put the ship down!
You will be expelled
from theJedi order!
– I can’t leave her!
– Come to your senses!
What do you think Padm would do
were she in your position?
She would do her duty.
Hmm.
The droid army
is in full retreat.
Well done, Commander.
Bring me a ship.
[ Anakin ] You’re gonna pay for all
theJedi that you killed today, Dooku.
– We’ll take him together.
Go in slowly on the left.
– I’m taking him now!
No, Anakin! No! No!
[ Anakin Screams ]
As you see, myJedi powers
are far beyond yours.
Now… back down.
I don’t think so.
Master Kenobi,
you disappoint me.
Yoda holds you
in such high esteem.
Surely you can do better.
[ Moaning ]
[ Groaning ]
Are you all right?
Uh-huh.
– We’d better get back to
the forward command center.
– No. No.
Gather what troops you can.
We’ve got to get to that hangar.
– Get a transport. Hurry!
– Right away.
[ Moaning ]
Ah! Ahh!
[ Anakin Shouts ]
Brave of you, boy.
But I would have thought
you had learned your lesson.
– I am a slow learner.
– Anakin!
[ Grunting ]
– Master Yoda.
– Count Dooku.
You have interfered with our affairs
for the last time.
[ Growling ]
Powerful you have become,
Dooku.
The dark side I sense in you.
I’ve become more powerful
than anyJedi.
Even you.
Much to learn you still have.
It is obvious that
this contest cannot be decided
by our knowledge of the Force…
but by our skills
with a lightsaber.
[ Yelling ]
Fought well you have,
my old Padawan.
This is just the beginning.
[ Speaking In
Droid Language ]
[ Panting, Moaning ]
[ Sighing ]
– [ Grunts ]
– [ Obi-Wan Groans ]
[ Padm ]
Anakin!
The Force is with us,
Master Sidious.
Welcome home,
Lord Tyranus.
You have done well.
I have good news
for you, my lord.
– The war has begun.
– Excellent.
Everything is going
as planned.
[ Obi-Wan ] Do you believe
what Count Dooku said…
about Sidious
controlling the senate?
It doesn’t feel right.
Joined the dark side
Dooku has.
Mmm. Lies, deceit…
creating mistrust
are his ways now.
[ Windu ] Nevertheless, I feel we
should keep a closer eye on the senate.
I agree.
Where is your apprentice?
On his way to Naboo,
escorting Senator Amidala home.
I have to admit that
without the clones,
it would not have been a victory.
[ Yoda ]
Victory?
Victory, you say?
Master Obi-Wan,
not victory.
The shroud of the dark side
has fallen.
Begun the Clone War has.
{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.
But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only
be broken by love’s first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing
dragon.
Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed.
She waited in the dragon’s keep in the highest room of the tallest
tower for her true love and true love’s first kiss.
{Laughing}
Like that’s ever gonna happen.
{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}
What a load of –
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
She was lookin’ kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead
The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’
Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin’
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
So what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow
Hey, now You’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin’ stars break the mold
It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder
You’re bundled up now but wait till you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
The ice we skate is gettin’ pretty thin
The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim
My world’s on fire
How ’bout yours
That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored
Hey, now, you’re an all-star
{Shouting}
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin’ stars break the mold
{Belches}
Go!
Go!
{Record Scratching}
Go. Go.Go.
Hey, now, you’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin’ stars break the mold
-Think it’s in there?
-All right. Let’s get it!
-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
-Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for it’s bread.
{Laughs}
-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.
Now, ogres – – They’re much worse.
They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
-No!
-They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
Actually, it’s quite good on toast.
-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
{Gasping}
-Right.
{Roaring}
{Shouting}
{Roaring}
{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.
{Gasping}
{Laughs}
{Laughing} And stay out!
“Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.”
{Sighs}
{Man’s voice} All right. This one’s full.
-Take it away!
{Gasps}
-Move it along. Come on! Get up!
-Next!
-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.
That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
-Get up! Come on!
-Twenty pieces.
{Thudding}
-Sit down there!
-Keep quiet!
{Crying}
-This cage is too small.
-Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never be stubborn again.
I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
-Oh, shut up.
-Oh!
-Next!
-What have you got?
-This little wooden puppet.
-I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy.
-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
-Father, please! Don’t let them do this!
-Help me!
-Next! What have you got?
-Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.
{Grunts}
-Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
-Oh, go ahead, little fella.
-Well?
-Oh, oh, he’s just – – He’s just a little nervous.
He’s really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt – –
-That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!
-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.
I’m the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
-Get her out of my sight.
-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
{Gasps}
-Hey! I can fly!
-He can fly!
-He can fly!
-He can talk!
-Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking donkey.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
Oh-oh.
{Grunts}
-Seize him!
-After him! He’s getting away!
{Grunts, Gasps}
{Man}
-Get him! This way! Turn!
-You there. Orge!
-Aye?
-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under
arrest
and transport you to a designated….. resettlement facility.
-Oh, really? You and what army?
{Gasps, Whimpering}
{Chuckles}
-Can I say something to you?
-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here.
Incredible!
Are you talkin’ to – – me? Whoa!
-Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great
back here? Those guards!
They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They
was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made
me feel good to see that.
-Oh, that’s great. Really.
-Man, it’s good to be free.
-Now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?
Hmm?
-But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not goin’ out there by
myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll stick with you.
You’re mean, green, fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare the spit
out of anybody that crosses us.
{Roaring}
-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that
don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, ’cause you
definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, ’cause you breath stinks!
You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time – –
{Mumbling}
Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my
butt that day.
-Why are you following me?
-I’ll tell you why.
‘Cause I’m all alone
There’s no one here beside me
My promlems have all gone
There’s no one to deride me
But you gotta heve friends – –
-Stop singing! It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.
-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
-Uh – – Really tall?
-No! I’m an orge! You know. “Grab your torch and pitchforks.” Doesn’t
that bother you?
-Nope.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Oh.
-Man, I like you. What’s you name?
-Uh, Shrek.
-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?
You got that kind of I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.
I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
Who’d want to live in place like that?
-That would be my home.
-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a
decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. I
like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
-I guess you don’t entertain much, do you?
-I like my privacy.
-You know, I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. Like I
hate it when you got somebody in your face. You’ve trying to give them
a hint, and they won’t leave. There’s that awkward silence.
-Can I stay with you?
-Uh, what?
-Can I stay with you, please?
-Of course!
-Really?
-No.
-Please! I don’t wanna go back there! You don’t know what it’s like to
be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that’s why we gotta
stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
-Okay! Okay! But one night only.
-Ah! Thank you!
-What are you – – No! No!
-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories,
and in the mornin’ I’m makin’ waffles.
-Oh!
-Where do, uh, I sleep?
-Outside!
-Oh, well. I guess that’s cool. I mean, I don’t know you, and you
don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
{Sniffles}
-Here I go.
-Good night.
{Sighs}
-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was born outside.
I’ll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,
outside.
I’m all alone
There’s no one here beside me
{Bubbling}
{Sighs}
{Creaking}
{Sighs}
-I thought I told you to stay outside.
-I’m outside.
{Clattering}
-Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we
have?
-It’s not home, but it’ll do just fune.
-What a lovely bed.
-Got ya.
{Sniffs} I found some cheese.
-Ow! {Grunts}
-Blah! Awful stuff.
-Is that you, Gorder?
-How did you know?
-Enough! What are you doing in my house?
{Grunts}
-Hey!
{Snickers}
-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed’s taken.
-Huh?
{Gusps}
{Male voice} What?
-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying orge! What do I
have to do get a little privacy?
-Aah!
-Oh, no. No! No!
{Cackling}
-What?
-Quit it.
-Don’t push.
{Squeaking}
{Lows}
– What are you doing in my swamp?
{Echoing}
Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
{Gasping}
-Oh, dear!
-Whoa!
-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let’s go!
Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
-Quickly. Come on!
-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
-Oh!
{Sighs}
-Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite them.
-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
-What?
-We were forced to come here.
-By who?
-Lord Farquaad.
-He huffed und he puffed und he…… signed an eviction notice.
{Sighs}
-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
{Murmuring}
-Oh, I do. I know where he is.
-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
-Me! Me!
-Anyone?
-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
{Sighs}
-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I’m gonna see this guy
Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came
from!
{Cheering}
{Twittering}
-Oh! You! You’re comin’ with me.
– All right, that’s what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two
stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.
-Hey. Oh, oh!
-I can’t wait to get on the road again.
-What did I say about singing?
-Can I whistle?
-No.
-Can I hum it?
-All right, hum it.
{Humming}
{Grunts}
{Whimpering}
-That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.
{Coughing}
{Laughing}
{Clears throat}
-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can’t catch me. I’m the
gingerbread man!
-You are a monster.
-I’m not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy
tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the
others?
-Eat me!{Grunts}
-I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached
its end! Tell me or I’ll – –
-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
-All right then. Who’s hiding them?
-Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
-The muffin man?
-The muffin man.
-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
-Well, she’s married to the muffin man.
-The muffin man?
-The muffin man!
-She’s married to the muffin man.
{Door opens}
-My lord! We found it.
-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
{Man grunting}
{Gasping}
-Oh!
-Magic mirror – –
-Don’t tell him anything!
-No!
{Ginerbread man whispers}
-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect
kingdom of them all?
-Well, technically you’re not a king.
-Uh, Thelonius.
-You were saying?
-What I mean is, you’re not a king yet. But you can become one. All
you have to do is marry a princess.
-Go on.
{Chuckles}
-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it’s time for you to
meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.
She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking
and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of
fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy. Just
kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White!
-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a
fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling
lava! But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes
pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona!
-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
bachelorette number three?
-Two! Two!
-Three! Three!
-Two! Two!
-Three!
-Three? One?
{Shudders} Three?
–Three! Pick number three, my lord!
-Okay, okay, uh, number three!
-Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess Fiona.
If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
-Princess Fiona.
If you’re not into yoga
-She’s perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go – –
-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
-I’ll do it.
-Yes, but after sunset – –
-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will
finally have the perfect king!
Captain, assemble your finest men. We’re going to have a tournament.
-But that’s it. That’s it right there. That’s DuLoc. I told ya I’d
find it.
-So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.
-Uh-huh. That’s the place.
-Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something?
{Laughs}
{Groans}
-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
-Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry.
-Hey, you!
{Screams}
-Wait a second. Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just – – I just – –
{Whimpering}
{Sighs}
{Whimpering, Groans}
{Turnstile clatters}
{Chuckles}
{Sighs}
-It’s quiet. Too quiet.
{Creaking}
-Where is everybody?
-Hey, look at this!
{Clattering, whirring, clicking}
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don’t make waves, stay in line
And we’ll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your… face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect …… place
{Camera shutter clicks
{Whirring}
-Wow! Let’s do that again!
-No. No. No, no, no! No.
{Trumpet fanfare}
{Crowd cheering}
-Brave knights.
-You are the best and brightest in all the land.
-Today one of you shall prove himself – –
-All right. You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.
-Sorry about that.
{Cheering}
-That champion shall have the honor – – no, no – – the privilege to go
forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the
dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae
die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.
{Cheering}
-Let the tournament begin!
{Gasps}
-Oh!
-What is that?
{Gasping}
-It’s hideous!
-Ah, that’s not very nice. It’s just a donkey.
-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named
champion! Have it him!
-Get him!
-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
-Go ahead! Get him!
-Can’t we just settle this over a pint?
-Kill the beast!
-No? All right then. Come on!
I don’t give a damn about my reputation
You’re living in the past
It’s a new generation
-Damn!
{Whinnying}
A girl can do what she wants to do
And that’s what I’m gonna do
And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
Me, me, me
-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
-Ah!
{Laughs}
And I’m always feelin’ good when I’m having fun
-Yeah!
And I don’t have to please no one
-The chair! Give him the chair!
And I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
Me, me, me
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me
{Bell dings}
{Cheering}
{Laughs}
-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till
Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!
{Shrek laughs}
{Crowd gasping, murmuring}
-Shall I give the order, sir?
-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
-What?
-Congratulations, orge. You’re won the honor of embarking on a great
and noble quest.
-Quest? I’m already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
-Your swamp?
-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!
{Crowd murmuring}
-Indeed. All right, orge. I’ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for
me, and I’ll give you your swamp back.
-Exactly the way it was?
-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
-And the squatters?
-As good as gone.
-What kind of quest?
-Let me get this straight. You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a
princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only
don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.
-Is that about right?
-Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.
-I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull some of that orge stuff on
him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make
your bread, the whole orge trip.
-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and
put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and
drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
-Uh, no, not really, no.
-For your information, there’s a lot more to orges than people think.
-Example?
-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.
-{Sniffs} They stink?
-Yes – – No!
-They make you cry?
-No!
-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little
white hairs.
-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have
layers. You get it? We both have layers.
{Sighs}
-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes
onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
-I don’t care… what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.
-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a
person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “No, I don’t like
no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious.
-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like
onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or
something? I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start
slobbering.
I’m on my way from misery to happiness today
Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
I’m on my way from misery to happiness today
Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
And everything that you receive up yonder
Is what you give to me the day I wander
I’m on my way
I’m on my way
I’m on my way
-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was
open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d be dead. {Sniffs} It’s
brimstone We must be getting close.
-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking about it’s the brimstone. I
know what I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It didn’t come off no stone
neither.
{Rumbling}
-Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location.
{Laughing}
-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?
-Oh, aye.
-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don’t have
layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
-Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.
-You know what I mean.
-You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.
-I’m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
-Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside ya, okay? For emotional
support., we’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step
at a time.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
-Just keep moving. And don’t look down.
-Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on
moving. Don’t look down.
{Gasps}
-Shrek! I’m lookin’ down! Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me off,
please!
-But you’re already halfway.
-But I know that half is safe!
-Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. You go back.
-Shrek, no! Wait!
-Just, Donkey – – Let’s have a dance then, shall me?
-Don’t do that!
-Oh, I’m sorry. Do what?
-Oh, this?
-Yes, that!
-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
{Screams}
-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
-You said do it! I’m doin’ it.
-I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek, I’m gonna die. Oh!
-That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do.
-Cool.
-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
{Chuckles}
-I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.
{Water dripping, wind howling}
-You afraid?
-No.
-But – –
– Shh.
-Oh, good. Me neither.
{Gasps}
-‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I
might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and
breathes fire, it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little
scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that.
{Gasps}
-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut … up. Now go over there and see if
you can find any stairs.
-Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for the princess.
-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest
tower.
-What makes you think she’ll be there?
-I read it in a book once.
-Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle the stairs. I’ll find those
stairs. I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won’t know which way
they’re goin’.
{Creacing}
-I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don’t mess with
me. I’m the stair master. I’ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a
step right here. I’d step all over it.
-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where’s the – –
-Dragon!
{Screams}
{Gasps}
{Roars}
-Donkey, look out!
{Screams}
{Whimpering}
-Got ya!
{Roars}
{Gasps}
{Shouts}
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
{Screaming}
{Gasps}
-Oh! Aah! Aah!
{Gasping}
{Crowls}
-No. Oh, no, No!
{Screams}
-Oh, what large teeth you have.
{Crowls}
-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach, ’cause that is one dazzling smile
you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know
what else? You’re – – You’re a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of
course you’re a girl dragon. You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.
What’s the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.
Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh – –
(Coughs)
-I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna
blow smoke rings. Shrek!
{Gasps}
{Whimpering}
-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
{Groans, Sighs}
{Vocalizing}
-Oh! Oh!
-Wake up!
-What?
-Are you Princess Fiona?
-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
-Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go!
-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be
a wonderful, romantic moment?
-Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.
-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out
yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
-You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?
-Mm-hmm.
{Screams, grunts}
-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for
me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
-I don’t think so.
-Can I at least know the name of my champion?
-Um, Shrek.
-Sir Shrek.
{Cleans throat}
-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
-Thanks!
{Roaring}
-You didn’t slay the dragon?
-It’s on my to-do list. Now come on!
{Screams}
-But this isn’t right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,
banner flying. That’s what all the other knights did.
-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
-That’s not the point. Oh!
-Wait. Where are you going? The next’s over there.
-Well, I have to save my ass.
-What kind of knight are you?
-One of a kind.
-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it’s healthy to get to
know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.
{Laughs}
-I don’t want to rush into a physical relationship. I’m not
emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this – – Magnitude really
is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude- – Hey, that is unwanted
physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let’s just back
up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to
know each other first as friends or pen pals. I’m on the road a lot,
but I just love receiving cards – – I’d really love to stay, but – –
Don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re gonna
tear it off. I don’t give permission – – What are you gonna do with
that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
{Growls}
{Roaring}
{Gasps}
-Hi, Princess!
-It talks!
-Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick.
{Screams}
{Screaming}
-Oh!
{Thuds}
{Groans}
{Roars}
{Roaring}
-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon.
{Fchoing}
-Run!
{Gasping}
{Screaming}
{Roaring}
{Screams}
{Roars}
{Panting, sighs}
{Whimpers}
{Roars}
-You did it!
-You rescued me! You’re amazing. You’re – – You’re wonderful.
You’re… a little unorthodox I’ll admit. But they deed is great, and
thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
{Clears throat}
-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I’m a
steed.
-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
-Uh, no.
-Why not?
-I have helmet hair.
-Please. I would’st look upon the face of my rescuer.
-No, no, you wouldn’t – – ‘st.
-But how will you kiss me?
-What? That wasn’t in the job description.
-Maybe it’s a perk.
-No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in
a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then
they share true love’s first kiss.
-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- – Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you
true love?
-Well, yes.
{Laughing}
-You think Shrek is your true love!
-What is so funny?
-Let’s just say I’m not your tipe, okay?
-Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer. Now – – Now remove your
helmet.
-Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea.
-Just take off the helmet.
-I’m not going to.
-Take ot off.
-No!
-Now!
-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
-You- – You’re a- – an orge.
-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You’re not supposed
to be an orge.
{Sighs}
-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the
one who wants to marry you.
-Then why didn’t he come rescue me?
-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- –
his pet.
-So much for noble steed.
-You’re not making my job any easier.
-I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad
that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right
here.
-Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? I’m a delivery boy.
-You wouldn’t dare. Put me down!
-Ya comin’, Donkey?
-I’m right behind ya.
-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not
dignified! Put me down!
-Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you,
right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down
real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a
crisp and eaten?
-You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knowest what
happens when you find your – – Hey!
{Sighs}
-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
-You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in
short supply.
{Laughs}
-I don’t know. There are those who think little of him.
-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never
measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
-Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the
“measuring” when you see him tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
-No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
-But there’s robbers in the woods.
-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping’s starting to sound good.
-Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this
forest.
-I need to find somewhere to camp now!
{Birds wings fluttering}
{Grunting}
-Hey! Over here.
-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a
princess.
-No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
-Homey touches? Like what?
{Crashing}
-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
-I said good night!
-Shrek, What are you doing?
{Laughs}
-I just- – You know – – Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
{Fire cracking}
-And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over
three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.
-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
-The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,
there’s Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s famous for.
-I know you’re making this up.
-No, look. There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away
from his stench.
-That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots.
-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?
Forget it.
{Sighs}
-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
-Our swamp?
-You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess.
-We? Donkey, there’s no “we”. There’s no “our”. There’s just me and my
swamp. The first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my
land.
-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what
I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody
out.
-No, do ya think?
-Are you hidin’ something?
-Never mind, Donkey.
-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
-Why don’t you want to talk about it?
-Why do you want to talk about it?
-Why are you blocking?
-I’m not blocking.
-Oh, yes, you are.
-Donkey, I’m warning you.
-Who you trying to keep out?
-Everyone! Okay?
-Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
-Oh! For the love of Pete!
-What’s your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
-Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that
seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.
“Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!” They judge me before they
even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone.
-You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big,
stupid, ugly orge.
-Yeah, I know.
-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
-Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one
there?
-That’s the moon.
-Oh, okay.
{Orchestra}
{Dulcimer}
-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the
princess.
-Hmph.
-Ah. Perfect.
{Inhales}
{Snoring}
{Vocalizing}
{Whistling}
{Sizzling}
{Sniffs, yawns}
-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.
–Come on, baby. I said I like it.
-Donkey, wake up.
-Huh? What?
-Wake up.
-What?
-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
-Good morning, Princess!
-What’s all this about?
-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to
make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
-Uh, thanks.
{Sniffs}
-Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us.
{Belches}
-Shrek!
-What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}
-Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess.
{Belches}
-Thanks.
-She’s as nasty as you are.
-{Laughs} You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.
-Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
{Vocalizing}
-La liberte! Hey!
-Princess!
{Laughs}
-What are you doing?
-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from
this green – –
{Kissing sounds}
-beast.
-Hey!
-That’s my princess! Go find you own!
-Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?
-Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!
-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry
Men.
{Laughs}
{Accordion}
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
He takes a wee percentage,
But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels
Man, I’m good
What a guy, Monsieur Hood
Break it down
I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid
What he’s basically saying
is he likes to get – –
Paid
So
When an orge in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush
That’s bad
That’s bad
When a beauty’s with a beast
it makes me awfully mad
He’s mad
He’s really, really mad
I’ll take my blade and
ram it through your heart
Keep your eyes on me, boys
’cause I’m about to start
{Grunts, Groans}
{Karate Yell}
{Merry Men Gasping}
{Panting}
-Man, that was annoying!
-Oh, you little- –
{Karate Yell}
{Accordion}
{Shouting, groaning}
{Chuckles}
-Uh, shall we?
-Hold the phone.
{Grunts}
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
-What?
-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
-Well – – {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these
things in case there’s a – – There’s an arrow in your butt!
-What? Oh, would you look at that?
-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.
-Why? What’s wrong?
-Shrek’s hurt.
-Shrek’s hurt. Shrek’s hurt? Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die.
-Donkey, I’m okay.
-You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m too young for you to die. Keep
you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the
Heimlich?
-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and
find me a blue flower with red thorns.
-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns.
Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
-{Both} Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
-What are the flowers for?
-For getting rid of Donkey.
-Ah.
-Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out.
-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’.
-I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
-No, it’s tender.
-Now, hold on.
-What you’re doing is the opposite of help.
-Don’t move.
-Look, time out.
-Would you – –
{Grunts}
-Okay. What do you propose we do?
-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red
thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue
flower, red thorns.
-Ow!
-Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’!
-Ow! Not good.
-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
{Grunts}
-It’s just about – –
-Ow! Ohh!
-Ahem.
-Nothing happend. We were just, uh – –
-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
-Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was
just- – Ugh!
-Ow!
-Hey, what’s that?
{Nervous chickle}
-That’s- – Is that blood?
{Sighs}
{Bird chirping}
{Grunts}
My beloved monster and me
We go everywhere together
Wearin’ a raincoat
that has four sleeves
Gets us through all kinds of weather
-Aah!
She will always be the only thing
That comes between me and the awful sting
That comes from living in a world
that’s so damn mean
{Croaks}
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
-Hey!
La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la
{Both laughing}
La-la, la-la, la-la
-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
-That’s DuLoc?
-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for
something, which I think means he has a really – – Ow!
-Um, I, uh- – I guess we better move on.
-Sure. But, Shrek? I’m – – I’m worried about Donkey.
{Blubbering}
-What?
-I mean, look at him. He doesn’t look so good.
-What are you talking about? I’m fine.
-That’s what they always say, and then next thing you know, you’re on
your back. Dead.
-You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
-Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.
-I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and
when I turn my head like this, look,
{Bones crunch}
-Ow! See?
-Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.
-I’ll get the firewood.
-Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! I don’t have any
toes! I think I need a hug.
-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
-Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I
make a mean weedrat stew.
{Chuckling}
{Sighs}
-I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
{Gulps}
-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind
of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare – – you name it.
{Chuckles}
-I’d like that.
{Slurps, laughs}
See the pyramids along the Nile
-Um, Princess?
Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
-Yes, Shrek?
-I, um, I was wondering.
Just remember, darling all the while
-Are you- –
You belong to me
{Sighs}
-Are you gonna eat that?
{Chuckles}
-Man, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
-Sunset?
-Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.
-What?
-Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark,
aren’t you?
-Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
-Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until
– – Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
{Shrek sighs}
-Good night.
-Good night.
{Door creaks}
-Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
-Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
-I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts.
And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
-You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in
and tell her how you feel.
-I- – There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,
well, you know – – and I’m not sayin’ I do ’cause I don’t – – she’s a
princess, and I’m – –
-An orge?
-Yeah. An orge.
-Hey, where you goin’?
-To get… move firewood.
{Sighs}
-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
{Wings fluttering}
-Princess?
{Creaking}
{Gasps}
-It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
{Screams}
-Aah!
-Oh, no!
-No, help!
-Shh!
-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
-No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
-What did you do with the princess?
-Donkey, I’m the princess.
-Aah!
-It’s me, in this body.
-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?
-Donkey!
-Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!
-No!
-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
-Shh.
-Shrek!
-This is me.
{Muffled mumbling}
-Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.
-I’m ugly, okay?
-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats
was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now – –
-No.
-I – – I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
-What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
-It’s only happens when sun goes down.
“By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you
find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form.”
-Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
-It’s a spell.
{Sighs}
-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I
become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to
await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.
{Sobs}
-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not
that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look
like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7.
-But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant
to look.
-Princess, how ’bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
-I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
-But, you know, um, you’re kind of an orge, and Shrek – – well, you
got a lot in common.
-Shrek?
-Princess, I – – Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for
me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s
pretty and – – well, I don’t really like it, but I thought you might
like it ’cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d – – uh, uh –
–
{Sighs}
-I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.
-I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I
mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?
“Princess” and “ugly” don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here
with Shrek.
{Gasps}
-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
{Deep sigh}
-Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be. It’s the only
way to break the spell.
-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
-No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.
-What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
-Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
-All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should. I just know
before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
-Look at my eye twitchin’.
{Door opens}
{Snoring}
-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.
-Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want – –
{Snoring}
-Shrek. Are you all right?
-Perfect! Never been better.
-I – – I don’t – – There’s something I have to tell you.
-You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last
night.
-You heard what I said?
-Every word.
-I thought you’d understand.
-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, “Who could love a hideous, ugly
beast?”
-But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
-Yeah? Well, it does.
{Gasps, sighs}
-Ah, right on time.
{Horse whinnies}
-Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
{Fanfare}
{Yawns}
-What’d I miss? What’d I miss?
{Muffled}
-Who said that? Couldn’t have been a donkey.
-Princess Fiona.
-As promised. Now hand it over.
-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
-Take it and go before I change my mind.
-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I
have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I’m Lord Farquaad.
-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.
{Snaps fingers}
-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short… farewell.
-Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the
orge. It’s not like it has feelings.
-No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in
marriage.
{Gasps}
-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make – –
-Excellent! I’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun
sets.
-Oh, anxious, are you? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s
so much to do! Threre’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest
list. Captain, round up some guests!
-Fare-thee-well, orge.
-Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
-Yeah? So what?
-Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to
her last night, She’s – –
-I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya?
Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
-Shrek, I – – I wanna go with you.
-I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone!
My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,
pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
-But I thought – –
-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!
-Shrek.
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do ya
It goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Baby, I’ve been here before
I know this room I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
And all I ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone
Who outdrew you
{Moaning}
And it’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
{Moaning}
Hallelujah, hallelujah
{Thumping sound}
-Donkey?
{Grunts}
-What are you doing?
-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see
one.
-Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not
through it.
-It is around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half.
-Oh! Your half. Hmm.
-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I
get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks
like your head.
-Back off!
-No, you back off.
-This is my swamp!
-Our swamp.
-Let go, Donkey!
-You let go.
-Stubborn jackass!
-Smelly orge.
-Fine!
-Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.
-Well, I’m through with you.
-Uh-uh. You know, with you it’s always, “Me, me, me!” Well, guess
what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are
mean to me. You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do!
You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away.
-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
-Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other!
-Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive you… for stabbin’ me in
the back!
-Ohh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your
own feelings.
-Go away!
-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she
ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
-She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about, uh, somebody
else.
-She wasn’t talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
-Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me.
Right? Right?
-Donkey!
-No!
-Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right?
{Sighs}
-I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you
forgive me?
-Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
-Right. Friends?
-Friends.
-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
-What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?
-The wedding! We’ll never make it in time.
-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I
have a way.
{Whistles}
-Donkey?
-I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.
{Laughing}
-Aw, come here, you.
-All right, all right.Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.
All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install
the seat belts yet.
-Whoo!
{Bells tolling}
{All gasping}
-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union….
-Um-
-of our new king – –
-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the “I do’s”?
{Chuckling}
-Go on.
-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about
that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t
you?
-What are you talking about?
-There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, “Speak
now or forever hold your peace.” That’s when you say, “I object!”
-I don’t have time for this!
-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this
woman, don’t you?
-Yes.
-You wanna hold her?
-Yes.
-Please her?
-Yes!
-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that
romantic crap!
-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
-We gotta check it out.
-And so, by the power vested in me,
-What do you see?
-The whole town’s in there.
-I now pronounce you husband and wife,
-They’re at the altar.
-king and queen.
-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
-Oh, for the love of Pete!
{Grunts}
-I object!
-Shrek?
{Gasps}
-Oh, now what does he want?
-Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.
Very clean.
-What are you doing here?
-Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but
showing up uninvited to a wedding – –
-Fiona! I need to talk to you.
-Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little late for that, so if you’ll
excuse me – –
-But you can’t marry him.
-And why not?
-Because- – Because he’s just marring you so he can be king.
-Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him.
-He’s not your true love.
-And what do you know about true love?
-Well, I – – Uh – – I mean – –
-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!
Oh, good Lord.
{Crowd laughting}
-An orge and a princess!
-Shrek, is this true?
-Who cares? It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away
from our “happily ever after.” Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
-“By night one way, by day another.” I wanted to show you before.
{Whimpers}
{Crown gasping}
-Well, uh, that explains a lot.
-Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of
my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
-No, no!
-Shrek!
-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that
makes me king! See? See?
-No, let go of me! Shrek!
-No!
-Don’t just stand there, you morons.
-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
-I’ll make you regret the day we met. I’ll see you drawn and
quartered!
-You’ll beg for death to save you!
-No, Shrek!
-And as for you, my wife,
-Fiona!
-I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
-I’m king!
{Whistles}
-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have – – Aaaah!
-Aah!
-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to
use it.
{Roars}
-I’m a donkey on the edge!
{Belches}
-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
{Cheering}
-Go ahead, Shrek.
-Uh, Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek?
-I – – I love you.
-Really?
-Really, really.
– I love you too.
-Aawww!
-“Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true
form.”
-“Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form.”
-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
-Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
-But you ARE beautiful.
{Chuckles}
-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Oy!
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That’s the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all my dreams
And then I saw her face
Now I’m a believer and not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I’m in love
Ooh-aah
I’m a believer I couldn’t leave her
If I tried
-God bless us, every one.
Come on, y’all!
Then I saw her face
Ha-ha
Now I’m a believer
Listen!
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I’m in love
Ooh-aah
I’m a believer
I couldn’t leave her if I tried
-Ooh!
-Uh!
Then I saw her face
Now I’m a believer
Hey!
Not a trace
Uhh! Yeah.
Of doubt in my mind
-One more time!
I’m in love
I’m a believer
Come on!
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey
Y’all sing it with me!
I
Believe
I believe
People in the back!
I believe
I’m a believer
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
{Hysterical laughing}
-Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh.
-I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
I believe in self-assertion
Destiny or a slight diversion
Now it seems I’ve got my head on straight
I’m a freak an apparition
Seems I’ve made the right decision
To try to turn back now it might be too late
Now I want to stay home today
Don’t wanna go out
If anyone comes to play
Gonna get thrown out
I wanna stay home today
Don’t want no company
No way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna be a millionaire someday
But know what it feels like to give it away
Watch me march to the beat of my own drum
And it’s off to the moon and then back again
Same old day Same situation
My happiness rears back as if to say
I wanna stay home today
Don’t wanna go out
If anyone comes to play
Gonna get thrown out
I wanna stay home today
Don’t want no company
No way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home………
I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes
My heart skips a beat
Girl, I feel so alive
Please tell me, baby, if all this is true
‘Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you
Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance
Oh-oh-oh
It’s a new romance
Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes
Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives
When we first met
I could hardly believe
The things that would happen
and we could achieve
So let’s be together
for all of our time
Oh, girl, I’m so thankful
that you are still mine
You always consider me
like an ugly duckling
And treat me like a Nostradamus
was why I had to get my shine on
I break a little something
to keep my mind on
‘Cause you had my mind gone
Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh
Turn the lights on, Come on, baby
Let’s just rewind the song
‘Cause all I want to do is
make the rest years the best years
All night long
Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance
Makes me wanna dance
Oh-oh-oh
It’s a new romance
It’s a new romance
Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes
Oh, yeah, yeah
I look into your eyes
Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…………..
Everything looks bright
Standing in your light
Everything feels right
What’s left is out of sight
What’s a girl to do
I’m telling you
You’re on my mind
I wanna be with you
‘Cause when you’re
standin’ next to me
It’s like wow
And all your kisses
seem to set me free
It’s like wow
And when we touch
it’s such a rush
I can’t get enough
It’s like- – It’s like
Ooh-ooh
Hey, what
It’s like wow
Ooh-ooh, hey
Hey, yeah
It’s like wow
Everything is looking
right now, right now
It’s like wow
And I got this feeling
This feeling
it’s just like wow
It’s just like wow
You are all I’m thinking of.
Like wow
Everything feels right
Everything feels right
Like wow
Everything looks bright
All my senses are right
Like wow
Everything feels right
Baby, baby, baby
the way I’m feeling you
Is like wow
There is something
that I see
In the way
you look at me
There’s a smile
There’s a truth
In your eyes
What an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it be
This is where I belong
It is you I have loved
All long
There’s no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You’re the home
my heart’s searched for
So long
It is you I have loved
All long
Whoa, over and over
I’m filled with emotion
As I look
Into your perfect face
You’re walking in the woods
There’s no one around and your phone is dead
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him:
Shia LaBeouf.
He’s following you, about 30 feet back
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
He’s gaining on you
Shia LaBeouf
You’re looking for you car but you’re all turned around
He’s almost upon you now
And you can see there’s blood on his face
My God, there’s blood everywhere!
Running for you life (from Shia LaBeouf)
He’s brandishing a knife (It’s Shia LaBeouf)
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf
Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf)
Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf)
Eating all the bodies
Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf
Now it’s dark and you seem to have lost him
But you’re hopelessly lost yourself
Stranded with a murderer
You creep silently through the underbrush
Aha! In the distance
A small cottage with a light on
Hope! You move stealthily toward it
But your leg! Ah! It’s caught in a bear trap!
Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet)
Limping to the cottage (Quiet, quiet)
Now you’re on the doorstep
Sitting inside: Shia LaBeouf
Sharpening an axe (Shia LaBeouf)
But he doesn’t hear you enter (Shia LaBeouf)
You’re sneaking up behind him
Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf
Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf
Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf
Stab him in his kidney
Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf
You limp into the dark woods
Blood oozing from your stump leg
But you have won; you have beaten
Shia LaBeouf
Wait! He isn’t dead (Shia surprise)
There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes
But you can do Jis Jitsu
Body slam superstar Shia LaBeouf
Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf
Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf
You try to swing an axe at Shia Labeouf
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg
He’s dodging every swipe, he parries to the left
You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck
You’re chopping his head now
You have just decapitated Shia Labeouf
His head Topples to the floor, expressionless
You fall to your knees and catch your breath
You’re finally safe from Shia Labeouf …
[man’s voice] Once upon a time
in a kingdom far, far away,
the king and queen were blessed
with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land,
everyone was happy…
until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help
of a fairy godmother
who had them lock the young princess
away in a tower,
there to await the kiss…
of the handsome Prince Charming.
[horse whinnies]
It was he who would chance
the perilous journey
through blistering cold
and scorching desert
traveling for many days and nights,
risking life and limb
to reach the Dragon’s keep.
[crows caw]
For he was the bravest,
and most handsome…
in all the land.
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse.
He alone would climb to the highest room
of the tallest tower
to enter the princess’s chambers,
cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains
to find her… [gasps]
What?
– Princess… Fiona?
– No!
[sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens.
Where is she?
– She’s on her honeymoon.
– Honeymoon? With whom?
– She’s on her honeymoon.
– Honeymoon? With whom?
[ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love]
So she said
what’s the problem, baby?
What’s the problem?
I don’t know
Well, maybe I’m in love
Think about it
every time I think ’bout it
Can’t stop thinking ’bout it
How much longer
will it take to cure this?
Just to cure it,
’cause I can’t ignore it
If it’s love, love
Makes me wanna turn around
and face me
But I don’t know nothing
’bout love
Oh, come on, come on
– [screams]
– Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Everybody’s after love
So I said
I’m a snowball running
Running down into this spring
that’s coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well, baby, I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well, I didn’t mean to do it
But there’s no escaping your love
These lines of lightning
mean we’re never alone
Never alone, no, no
Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once upon a time in love
Hyah!
We’re accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally
I’m in love, I’m in love,
I’m in love, I’m in love
I’m in love, I’m in love
Accidentally in love
I’m in love
I’m in love
It’s so good to be home!
– [distant singing]
– [giggling]
Just you and me and…
[Donkey sings]
– Two can be as bad as one…
– Donkey?
Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two
a sight for sore eyes!
Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine.
[chuckles]
And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.
How ’bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Donkey, what are you doing here?
Taking care of your love nest for you.
Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail
and watering the plants?
– Yeah, and feeding the fish!
– I don’t have any fish.
You do now. I call that one Shrek
and the other Fiona.
That Shrek is a rascally devil.
Get your…
Look at the time.
I guess you’d better be going.
Don’t you want to tell me about your trip?
Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be
getting home to Dragon?
Oh, yeah, that.
I don’t know.
She’s been all moody and stuff lately.
I thought I’d move in with you.
You know we’re always happy
to see you, Donkey.
But Fiona and I are married now.
We need a little time, you know,
to be together.
Just with each other.
Alone.
Say no more.
You don’t have to worry about a thing.
I will always be here to make sure
nobody bothers you.
– Donkey!
– Yes, roomie?
You’re bothering me.
Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess…
Me and Pinocchio was going to catch
a tournament, anyway, so…
Maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday
for a barbecue or something.
He’ll be fine.
Now, where were we?
[giggles] Oh.
I think I remember.
– Donkey!
– [Fiona yelps]
I know, I know! Alone!
I’m going! I’m going.
What do you want me
to tell these other guys?
[fanfare]
[ theme to Hawaii Five-O]
Enough, Reggie.
[clears throat] “Dearest Princess Fiona.
“You are hereby summoned
to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away
“for a royal ball
in celebration of your marriage
“at which time the King
“will bestow his royal blessing…
upon you and your…”
uh…”Prince Charming.
“Love, the King and Queen
of Far, Far Away.
“aka Mom and Dad.”
Mom and Dad?
– Prince Charming?
– Royal ball? Can I come?
– We’re not going.
– [both] What?
I mean, don’t you think
they might be a bit…
shocked to see you like this?
[chuckles] Well, they might be
a bit surprised.
But they’re my parents, Shrek.
They love me.
And don’t worry.
They’ll love you, too.
Yeah, right.
Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome
at the country club.
Stop it.
They’re not like that.
How do you explain Sergeant Pompous
and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Oh, come on! You could at least
give them a chance.
To do what?
Sharpen their pitchforks?
No! They just want
to give you their blessing.
Oh, great.
Now I need their blessing?
If you want to be a part
of this family, yes!
Who says I want
to be part of this family?
You did!
When you married me!
Well, there’s some fine print for you!
[exasperated sigh]
So that’s it. You won’t come?
Trust me. It’s a bad idea.
We are not going! And that’s final!
Come on!
We don’t want to hit traffic!
[Gingy] Don’t worry!
We’ll take care of everything.
[all cheer]
– Hey, wait for me. Oof!
– [glass breaks]
[sighs]
[ Chic: Le Freak]
Hit it! Move ’em on! Head ’em up!
Head ’em up, move ’em on! Head ’em up!
Rawhide! Move ’em on!
Head ’em up!
Move ’em on! Move ’em on!
Head ’em up! Rawhide!
Ride ’em up! Move ’em on!
Head ’em up! Move ’em on! Rawhide!
Knock ’em out! Pound ’em dead!
Make ’em tea! Buy ’em drinks!
Meet their mamas!
Milk ’em hard!
Rawhide!
Yee-haw!
– [Donkey] Are we there yet?
– [Shrek] No.
– [Donkey] Are we there yet?
– [Fiona] Not yet.
– [Donkey] OK, are we there yet?
– [Fiona] No.
– [Donkey] Are we there yet?
– [Shrek] No!
– [Donkey] Are we there yet?
– [Shrek] Yes.
– Really?
– No!
– Are we there yet?
– [Fiona] No!
– Are we there yet?
– [Shrek] We are not!
– Are we there yet?
– [Shrek & Fiona] No!
– Are we there yet?
– [Shrek mimics]
– That’s not funny. That’s really immature.
– [Shrek mimics]
– This is why nobody likes ogres.
– [Shrek mimics]
– Your loss!
– [Shrek mimics]
– I’m gonna just stop talking.
– Finally!
This is taking forever, Shrek.
There’s no in-flight movie or nothing!
The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey.
That’s where we’re going.
Far, far…
[softly] away!
All right, all right, I get it.
I’m just so darn bored.
Well, find a way
to entertain yourself.
[sighs]
[deep sigh]
[clicks tongue]
[popping]
– [popping]
– [exasperated sigh]
For five minutes…
Could you not be yourself…
[shouts]… for five minutes!
– [popping]
– [shrieks]
Are we there yet?
– [chuckles] Yes!
– Oh, finally!
[fanfare]
[ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown]
Wow!
It’s going to be champagne wishes
and caviar dreams from now on.
Hey, good-looking!
We’ll be back to pick you up later!
Gotta make a move
to a town that’s right for me
We are definitely not
in the swamp anymore.
[whistle] Halt!
Well, I talk about it, talk about it,
talk about it, talk about it
Hey, everyone, look.
Talk about, talk about movin’…
Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh?
You working that hat.
[Donkey] Swimming pools!
Movie stars!
[cheering]
[applause]
[fanfare]
Announcing the long-awaited return
of the beautiful Princess Fiona
and her new husband.
Well, this is it.
– This is it.
– This is it.
This is it.
[fanfare]
[fanfare and cheering stop]
[gasps]
[tweeting]
[baby wails]
Uh… why don’t you guys go ahead?
I’ll park the car.
[chuckles] So…
you still think
this was a good idea?
Of course! Look.
Mom and Dad look happy to see us.
– [softly] Who on earth are they?
– [softly] I think that’s our little girl.
That’s not little!
That’s a really big problem.
Wasn’t she supposed to kiss
Prince Charming and break the spell?
Well, he’s no Prince Charming,
but they do look…
[softly] Happy now?
We came. We saw them.
Now let’s go before
they light the torches.
– They’re my parents.
– Hello? They locked you in a tower.
That was for my own…
Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go
back inside and pretend we’re not home.
Harold, we have to be…
Quick! While they’re not looking
we can make a run for it.
Shrek, stop it!
Everything’s gonna be…
A disaster! There is no way…
– You can do this.
– I really…
– Really…
– don’t… want… to… be…
Here!
Mom… Dad…
I’d like you to meet my husband…
Shrek.
Well, um…
It’s easy to see where Fiona
gets her good looks from.
[chuckles nervously]
[gulps]
[belches]
– Excuse me.
– [Shrek & Fiona laugh]
Better out than in,
I always say, eh, Fiona?
[both giggle]
[Shrek] That’s good.
I guess not.
What do you mean, “not on the list”?
Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.
What do you mean, “not on the list”?
Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.
What’s happening, everybody?
Thanks for waiting.
– I had the hardest time finding this place.
– No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
No, Dad! It’s all right.
It’s all right. He’s with us.
– He helped rescue me from the dragon.
– That’s me: the noble steed.
Waiter!
How ’bout a bowl for the steed?
Oh, boy.
[slurps]
– Um, Shrek?
– Yeah?
Oh, sorry!
Great soup, Mrs Q.
Mmm!
No, no. Darling.
[chuckles nervously] Oh!
So, Fiona, tell us
about where you live.
Well…
Shrek owns his own land.
– Don’t you, honey?
– Oh, yes!
It’s in an enchanted forest
abundant in squirrels
and cute little duckies and…
[laughing] What?
I know you ain’t
talking about the swamp.
An ogre from a swamp.
Oh! How original.
I suppose that would be a fine place
to raise the children.
– [splutters]
– [chokes]
It’s a bit early to be
thinking about that, isn’t it?
– Indeed. I just started eating.
– Harold!
– What’s that supposed to mean?
– Dad. It’s great, OK?
– For his type, yes.
– My type?
I got to go to the bathroom.
– Dinner is served!
– Never mind. I can hold it.
Bon appetit!
Oh, Mexican food!
My favorite.
Let’s not sit here with our tummies
rumbling. Everybody dig in.
Don’t mind if I do, Lillian.
I suppose any grandchildren
I could expect from you would be…
Ogres, yes!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Right, Harold?
Oh, no! No! Of course, not!
That is, assuming you don’t
eat your own young!
Dad!
No, we usually prefer the ones
who’ve been locked away in a tower!
– Shrek, please!
– I only did that because I love her.
Aye, day care
or dragon-guarded castle.
You wouldn’t understand.
You’re not her father!
It’s so nice to have the family
together for dinner.
– Harold!
– Shrek!
– Fiona!
– Fiona!
– Mom!
– Harold…
Donkey!
[glissando]
Your fallen tears have called to me
So, here comes my sweet remedy
I know what every princess needs
For her to live life happily…
[both gasp]
Oh, my dear.
Oh, look at you.
You’re all grown up.
– Who are you?
– Oh, sweet pea!
I’m your fairy godmother.
– I have a fairy godmother?
– Shush, shush.
Now, don’t worry.
I’m here to make it all better.
With just a…
Wave of my magic wand
Your troubles will soon be gone
With a flick of the wrist and just a flash
You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash
A high-priced dress
made by mice no less
Some crystal glass pumps
And no more stress
Your worries will vanish,
your soul will cleanse
Confide in your very own
furniture friends
We’ll help you set a new fashion trend
– I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great
– The kind of girl a prince would date!
They’ll write your name
on the bathroom wall…
“For a happy ever after,
give Fiona a call!”
A sporty carriage to ride in style,
Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle
Banish your blemishes, tooth decay,
Cellulite thighs will fade away
And oh, what the hey!
Have a bichon frisé! ‘
Nip and tuck, here and there
to land that prince with the perfect hair
Lipstick liners, shadows blush
To get that prince with the sexy tush
Lucky day, hunk buffet
You and your prince take a roll in the hay
You can spoon on the moon
With the prince to the tune
Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab
Your prince will have rock-hard abs
Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day
Have some chicken fricassee!
Nip and tuck, here and there
To land that prince with the perfect hair
Stop!
[chuckles] Look…
Thank you very much,
Fairy Godmother,
but I really don’t need all this.
[gasps and mutterings of disapproval]
– Fine. Be that way.
– We didn’t like you, anyway.
– [knocking]
– [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona?
[dog barks]
Oh! You got a puppy?
All I got in my room was shampoo.
Oh, uh…
Fairy Godmother, furniture…
[giggles]
I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
Your husband? What? What did you say?
When did this happen?
Shrek is the one who rescued me.
– But that can’t be right.
– Oh, great, more relatives!
She’s just trying to help.
Good! She can help us pack.
Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.
– What?
– I don’t want to leave.
When did you decide this?
– Shortly after arriving.
– Look, I’m sorry…
No, that’s all right.
I need to go, anyway.
But remember, dear.
If you should ever need me…
happiness…
is just a teardrop away.
Thanks, but we’ve got all
the happiness we need.
Happy, happy, happy…
[laughs] So I see.
Let’s go, Kyle.
– Very nice, Shrek.
– What?
I told you coming here was a bad idea.
You could’ve at least tried
to get along with my father.
I don’t think I was going to get
Daddy’s blessing,
even if I did want it.
Do you think it might be nice
if somebody asked me what I wanted?
Sure. Do you want me
to pack for you?
You’re unbelievable!
You’re behaving like a…
– Go on! Say it!
– Like an ogre!
Here’s a news flash for you!
Whether your parents like it or not…
I am an ogre!
– [yelps]
– [roars]
And guess what, Princess?
That’s not about to change.
I’ve made changes for you, Shrek.
Think about that.
That’s real smooth, Shrek.
“I’m an ogre!”
[mimics Shrek roaring]
[sniffling]
I knew this would happen.
[Lillian] You should.
You started it.
I can hardly believe that, Lillian.
He’s the ogre. Not me.
I think, Harold, you’re taking this
a little too personally.
This is Fiona’s choice.
But she was supposed to choose
the prince we picked for her.
I mean, you expect me to give
my blessings to this… thing?
Fiona does.
And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t.
I don’t want to lose
our daughter again, Harold.
Oh, you act as if love
is totally predictable.
Don’t you remember when
we were young?
We used to walk
down by the lily pond and…
– they were in bloom…
– Our first kiss.
It’s not the same!
I don’t think you realize that
our daughter has married a monster!
Oh, stop being such a drama king.
Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong!
La, di, da, di, da!
Isn’t it all wonderful!
I’d like to know
how it could get any worse!
– Hello, Harold.
– [gasps]
– What happened?
– Nothing, dear!
Just the old crusade wound
playing up a bit!
[chuckles]
I’ll just stretch it
out here for a while.
You better get in.
We need to talk.
Actually, Fairy Godmother,
off to bed.
[yawns] Already taken my pills,
and they tend to make me a bit drowsy.
So, how about… we make this
a quick visit. What?
Oh, hello.
Ha-ha-ha!
So, what’s new?
You remember my son,
Prince Charming?
Is that you? My gosh!
It’s been years.
When did you get back?
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually.
After I endured blistering winds,
scorching desert…
I climbed to the highest room
in the tallest tower…
Mommy can handle this.
He endures blistering winds
and scorching desert!
He climbs to the highest bloody room
of the tallest bloody tower…
And what does he find?
Some gender-confused wolf
telling him that his princess
is already married.
It wasn’t my fault.
He didn’t get there in time.
Stop the car!
[crash]
Harold.
You force me to do something
I really don’t want to do.
[gasps] Where are we?
Hi. Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy!
May I take your order?
My diet is ruined!
I hope you’re happy. Er… okay.
Two Renaissance Wraps,
no mayo… chili rings…
– I’ll have the Medieval Meal.
– One Medieval Meal and, Harold…
– Curly fries?
– No, thank you.
– Sourdough soft taco, then?
– No, really, I’m fine.
Your order, Fairy Godmother.
This comes with the Medieval Meal.
There you are, dear.
We made a deal, Harold, and I assume
you don’t want me to go back on my part.
[sighs deeply] Indeed not.
So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
– Yes.
– Believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best.
Not only for your daughter…
but for your Kingdom.
What am I supposed to do about it?
Use your imagination.
[whooshing]
[whinnies]
Oh…
Come on in, Your Majesty.
[piano plays, people talk]
I like my town
With a little drop of poison
Nobody knows…
[barman belches]
[clears throat] Excuse me.
Do I know you?
No, you must be mistaking me
for someone else.
Uh… excuse me.
I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister.
Ah! There you are. Right.
You see, I need to have
someone taken care of.
– Who’s the guy?
– Well, he’s not a guy, per se.
Um… He’s an ogre.
[crowd gasp]
Hey, buddy, let me clue you in.
There’s only one fellow who can handle
a job like that, and, frankly…
he don’t like to be disturbed.
he don’t like to be disturbed.
Where could I find him?
[knock on door]
Hello?
Who dares enter my room?
Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but
I’m told you’re the one to talk to
about an ogre problem?
You are told correct.
But for this, I charge
a great deal of money.
Would… this be enough?
You have engaged my valuable
services, Your Majesty.
Just tell me where
I can find this ogre.
[ Eels: I Need Some Sleep]
[snoring]
[chimes]
Everyone says
I’m getting down too low
Everyone says
you’ve just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I’m in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning round
Everyone says
you’ve just gotta let it go
Everyone says
you’ve just gotta let it go
Dear Knight, I pray that you take
this favor as a token of my gratitude.
[plays tune]
Dear Diary…
Sleeping Beauty is having
a slumber party tomorrow,
but Dad says I can’t go.
He never lets me out after sunset.
Dad says I’m going away for a while.
Must be like some finishing school.
Mom says that when I’m old enough,
my Prince Charming will rescue me
from my tower
and bring me back to my family,
and we’ll all live
happily ever after.
Mrs. Fiona Charming.
Mrs. Fiona Charming.
Mrs. Fiona Charming.
[echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.
[knock on door]
Sorry. I hope I’m not
interrupting anything.
No, no. I was just reading a, uh…
a scary book.
I was hoping you’d let me apologize
for my despicable behavior earlier.
– Okay…
– I don’t know what came over me.
Do you suppose we could pretend
it never happened and start over…
– Look, Your Majesty, I just…
– Please. Call me Dad.
Dad. We both acted like ogres.
Maybe we just need some time
to get to know each other.
Excellent idea! I was actually hoping
you might join me for a morning hunt.
A little father-son time?
I know it would mean
the world to Fiona.
[sighs]
Shall we say,
: by the old oak?
[birds twitter]
[Shrek] Face it, Donkey!
We’re lost.
We can’t be lost. We followed
the King’s instructions exactly.
“Head to the
darkest part of the woods…”
“Past the sinister trees
with scary-looking branches.”
– The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!
– We passed that three times already!
You were the one who said
not to stop for directions.
Oh, great. My one chance
to fix things up with Fiona’s dad
and I end up lost
in the woods with you!
Don’t get huffy!
I’m only trying to help.
I know! I know.
– I’m sorry, all right?
– Hey, don’t worry about it.
I just really need to make
things work with this guy.
Yeah, sure. Now let’s go
bond with Daddy.
[purring]
[purring]
Well, well, well, Donkey.
I know it was kind of a tender
moment back there, but the purring?
What? I ain’t purring.
Sure. What’s next? A hug?
Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr.
What do you think I am, some kind of a…
Ha-ha!
Fear me, if you dare!
[hisses]
Look! A little cat.
– Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!
– It’s a cat, Donkey.
Come here,
little kitty, kitty.
Come on, little kitty. Come here.
Oh! Come here, little kitty.
– [screaming]
– Whoa!
– Hold on, Shrek! I’m coming!
– Come on! Get it off! Get it off!
Oh, God. Oh…
No!
– Look out, Shrek! Hold still!
– Get it off!
Shrek! Hold still!
– Did I miss?
– No. You got them.
Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from…
Puss… in Boots!
I’ll kill that cat!
Ah-ha-ha!
[coughs]
[wheezes]
[retches]
[coughs]
– [chuckles] Hairball.
– Oh! That is nasty!
What should we do with him?
Take the sword and neuter him.
Give him the Bob Barker treatment.
Oh, no! Por favor!
Please!
I implore you!
It was nothing personal, Señor.
I was doing it only for my family.
My mother, she is sick.
And my father lives off the garbage!
The King offered me much in gold
and I have a litter of brothers…
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Fiona’s father paid you to do this?
The rich King? Sí.
[screams]
Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing.
Don’t feel bad. Almost everybody
that meets you wants to kill you.
Gee, thanks.
Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off
if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
That’s what the King said.
Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question
was directed at me.
Shrek, Fiona knows
you’d do anything for her.
Well, it’s not like
I wouldn’t change if I could.
I just… I just wish
I could make her happy.
Hold the phone…
“Happiness.”
“A tear drop away.”
Donkey! Think of the saddest thing
that’s ever happened to you!
Aw, man, where do I begin?
First there was the time that old farmer
tried to sell me for some magic beans.
Then this fool had a party and he have
the guests trying to pin the tail on me.
Then they got drunk and start beating me
with a stick, going “Piñata!!”
What is a piñata, anyway?
No, Donkey! I need you to cry!
Don’t go projecting on me.
I know you’re feeling bad,
but you got to…
Aaaahhh!
You little, hairy,
litter-licking sack of…
What? Is it on? Is it on?
[clears throat]
This is Fairy Godmother.
I’m either away
from my desk or with a client.
But if you come by the office, we’ll be
glad to make you an appointment.
Have a “happy ever after.”
Oh…
Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
That’s more like it! Shrek and Donkey,
on another whirlwind adventure!
Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Whoo!
We’re on the move!
– Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.
– Join the club. We’ve got jackets.
On my honor, I am obliged to accompany
you until I have saved your life
as you have spared me mine.
The position of annoying talking animal
has already been taken.
Let’s go, Shrek. Shrek?
– Shrek!
– Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him…
in his wee little boots.
You know, how many cats can wear boots?
Honestly.
– Let’s keep him!
– Say what?
[purrs]
Ahh!
Listen. He’s purring!
– Oh, so now it’s cute.
– Come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
Lighten up? I should lighten up?
Look who’s telling who to lighten up!
Lighten up? I should lighten up?
Look who’s telling who to lighten up!
[giggles] Shrek!
[barks]
[barks]
Shrek?
They’re both festive, aren’t they?
What do you think, Harold?
Um… Yes, yes.
Fine. Fine.
[sighs]
Try to at least pretend you’re interested
in your daughter’s wedding ball.
Honestly, Lillian,
I don’t think it matters.
How do we know there will
even be a ball?
Mom. Dad.
– Oh, hello, dear.
– What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming.
Mom, have you seen Shrek?
I haven’t.
You should ask your father.
Be sure and use small words, dear.
He’s a little slow this morning.
– Can I help you, Your Majesty?
– Ah, yes! Um…
Mmm! Exquisite.
What do you call this dish?
That would be the dog’s breakfast,
Your Majesty.
Ah, yes. Very good, then.
Carry on, Cedric.
– Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?
– No, I haven’t, dear.
I’m sure he just went off to look for
a nice… mud hole to cool down in.
You know, after your
little spat last night.
Oh. You heard that, huh?
The whole kingdom heard you.
I mean, after all,
it is in his nature to be…
well, a bit of a brute.
Him? You know, you didn’t exactly
roll out the Welcome Wagon.
Well, what did you expect?
Look at what he’s done to you.
Shrek loves me for who I am.
I would think you’d be happy for me.
Darling, I’m just thinking about
what’s best for you.
Maybe you should do the same.
[both whisper]
No, really?
[both laugh]
[Shrek] Shh…
Oh…
[hooter blasts]
Oh, no. That’s the old Keebler’s place.
Let’s back away slowly.
That’s the Fairy Godmother’s cottage.
She’s the largest producer of hexes
and potions in the whole kingdom.
Then why don’t we pop in there
for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell!
[Puss in Boots
shrieks with laughter]
[Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh.
Hi. I’m here to see the…
The Fairy Godmother.
I’m sorry. She is not in.
Jerome!
Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!
[sighs]
Yes, Fairy Godmother.
Right away.
Look, she’s not seeing
any clients today, OK?
That’s OK, buddy.
We’re from the union.
The union?
We represent the workers in all magical
industries, both evil and benign.
Oh! Oh, right.
Are you feeling at all
degraded or oppressed?
Uh… a little.
We don’t even have dental.
They don’t even have dental.
Okay, we’ll just have
a look around.
Oh. By the way.
I think it’d be better if the Fairy Godmother
didn’t know we were here.
– Know what I’m saying? Huh?
– Huh? Huh? Huh?
– Stop it.
– Of course. Go right in.
[voices and grinding machines]
[explosion]
A drop of desire.
[giggles] Naughty!
A pinch of passion.
[laughs]
And just a hint of…
lust!
[laughs]
– [Shrek] Excuse me.
– [gasps]
Sorry to barge in like this…
What in Grimm’s name
are you doing here?
Well, it seems
that Fiona’s not exactly happy.
Oh-ho-ho!
And there’s some question
as to why that is?
Well, let’s explore that, shall we?
Ah. P, P, P…
Princess. Cinderella.
Here we are.
“Lived happily ever after.” Oh…
[laughs] No ogres!
Let’s see. Snow White.
A handsome prince.
Oh, no ogres.
Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres!
Hansel and Gretel? No!
Thumbelina? No.
The Golden Bird,
the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman…
No, no, no, no, no!
You see, ogres don’t
live happily ever after.
All right, look, lady!
Don’t you point…
those dirty green sausages at me!
Your Monte Cristo and coffee.
Oh! Sorry.
Ah… that’s okay.
We were just leaving.
Very sorry to have wasted your time,
Miss Godmother.
Just… go.
Come on, guys.
[whistles tune]
TGIF, eh, buddy?
Working hard or hardly working,
eh, Mac?
Get your fine Corinthian footwear
and your cat cheeks out of my face!
Man, that stinks!
You don’t exactly smell like
a basket of roses.
– Well, one of these has got to help.
– I was just concocting this very plan!
Already our minds are becoming one.
Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on
licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call.
Shrek, this is a bad idea.
Look. Make yourself useful
and go keep watch.
Puss, do you think you
could get to those on top?
No problema, boss.
In one of my nine lives,
I was the great cat burglar
of Santiago de Compostela.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Shrek, are you off your nut?
Donkey, keep watch.
Keep watch?
Yeah, I’ll keep watch.
I’ll watch that wicked witch come and
whammy a world of hurt up your backside.
I’ll laugh, too.
I’ll be giggling to myself.
– What do you see?
– Toad Stool Softener?
I’m sure a nice BM is the perfect solution
for marital problems.
– Elfa Seltzer?
– Uh-uh.
– Hex Lax?
– No! Try “handsome.”
Sorry. No handsome.
Hey! How about “Happily Ever After”?
Well, what does it do?
It says “Beauty Divine.”
In some cultures, donkeys are revered
as the wisest of creatures.
Especially us talking ones.
[gasps] Donkey!
That’ll have to do.
We’ve got company.
Can we get on with this?
Hurry!
Nice catch, Donkey!
Finally! A good use for your mouth.
[ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love]
Come on!
You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
and I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
and that’s worse
Ever fallen in love with someone,
ever fallen in love
In love with someone,
ever fallen in love
In love with someone
you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone,
ever fallen in love
In love with someone,
ever fallen in love
With someone
you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
I don’t care whose fault it is.
Just get this place cleaned up!
And somebody bring me something
deep fried and smothered in chocolate!
– Mother!
– Charming. Sweetheart.
This isn’t a good time, pumpkin.
Mama’s working.
Whoa, what happened here?
– The ogre, that’s what!
– What? Where is he, Mom?
I shall rend his head
from his shoulders!
I will smite him where he stands!
He will rue the very day he stole
my kingdom from me!
Oh, put it away, Junior!
You’re still going to be king.
We’ll just have to come up
with something smarter.
Pardon. Um…
Everything is accounted for,
Fairy Godmother, except for one potion.
What?
Oh…
I do believe we can make
this work to our advantage.
“Happily Ever After Potion.
Maximum strength.
“For you and your true love.
“If one of you drinks this,
you both will be fine.
“Happiness, comfort
and beauty divine.”
– You both will be fine?
– I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too.
Hey, man, this don’t feel right.
My donkey senses are tingling all over.
Drop that jug o’ voodoo
and let’s get out of here.
It says, “Beauty Divine.”
How bad can it be?
[sneezes]
See, you’re allergic to that stuff.
You’ll have a reaction.
And if you think that I’ll be smearing
Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!
Boss, just in case there is something
wrong with the potion…
allow me to take the first sip.
It would be an honor to lay my life
on the line for you.
Oh, no, no. I don’t think so.
If there’ll be any animal testing,
I’ll do it.
That’s the best friend’s job.
Now give me that bottle.
How do you feel?
I don’t feel any different.
I look any different?
You still look like an ass to me.
Maybe it doesn’t work on donkeys.
– Well, here’s to us, Fiona.
– Shrek?
– You drink that, there’s no going back.
– I know.
– No more wallowing in the mud?
– I know.
– No more itchy butt crack?
– I know!
– But you love being an ogre!
– I know!
But I love Fiona more.
Shrek, no! Wait!
[gurgling]
[farts]
Got to be… I think you grabbed
the “Farty Ever After” potion.
Maybe it’s a dud.
Or maybe Fiona and I
were never meant to be.
Or maybe Fiona and I
were never meant to be.
[thunder rumbles]
Uh-oh. What did I tell you?
I feel something coming on.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die!
Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy.
I’m melting!
I’m melting!
It’s just the rain, Donkey.
[chuckles] Oh.
Don’t worry. Things seem bad
because it’s dark and rainy
and Fiona’s father hired
a sleazy hitman to whack you.
[hisses]
lt’ll be better in the morning.
You’ll see…
The sun’ll come out…
Tomorrow
[yawns]
Bet your bottom…
Bet my bottom?
I’m coming, Elizabeth!
Donkey?
Are you all right?
– Hey, boss. Let’s shave him.
– D-Donkey?
[groans]
[Puss In Boots shrieks]
There you are!
We missed you at dinner.
What is it, darling?
Dad…
I’ve been thinking
about what you said.
And I’m going to set things right.
Ah! Excellent!
That’s my girl.
It was a mistake to bring Shrek here.
I’m going to go out and find him.
And then we’ll go back
to the swamp where we belong.
[Lillian] Fiona, please!
Let’s not be rash, darling.
You can’t go anywhere right now.
[rain patters]
[Both] Fiona!
Look, I told you he was here.
Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.
[Shrek groans]
Good morning, sleepyhead.
[Shrek shouts]
[All] Good morning!
We love your kitty!
– [Shrek] Oh… My head…
– Here, I fetched a pail of water.
Thanks.
Uhh!
Aahh!
Oh…
A cute button nose?
Thick, wavy locks?
Taut, round buttocks?
I’m… I’m…
– Gorgeous!
– I’ll say.
I’m Jill. What’s your name?
– Um… Shrek.
– Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe?
– You’re tense.
– I want to rub his shoulders.
– I got it covered.
– I don’t have anything to rub.
Get in line.
Get in line.
– Have you seen my donkey?
– Who are you calling donkey?
– Donkey? You’re a…
– A stallion, baby!
I can whinny.
[whinnies]
I can count.
Look at me, Shrek!
I’m trotting!
That’s some quality potion.
What’s in that stuff?
“Oh, don’t take the potion,
Mr. Boss, it’s very bad.”
Pah!
“Warning: Side effects may include
burning, itching, oozing, weeping.
“Not intended for heart patients
or those with… nervous disorders.”
I’m trotting, I’m trotting in place! Yeah!
What?
Señor? “To make the effects
of this potion permanent,
“the drinker must obtain his
true love’s kiss by midnight.”
Midnight?
Why is it always midnight?
– Pick me! I’ll be your true love!
– I’ll be your true love.
I’ll be true… enough.
Look, ladies, I already have a true love.
[all] Oh…
And take it from me, Boss.
You are going to have
one satisfied Princess.
And let’s face it.
You are a lot easier on the eyes.
Inside you’re the same
old mean, salty…
– Easy.
…cantankerous, foul,
angry ogre you always been.
And you’re still the same
annoying donkey.
– Yeah.
– [sighs]
Well…
Look out, Princess.
Here comes the new me.
First things first.
– We need to get you out of those clothes.
– [all gasp]
– Ready?
– Ready!
– [Donkey screams]
– Driver, stop!
Oh, God! Help me, please!
My racing days are over!
I’m blind! Tell the truth.
Will I ever play the violin again?
You poor creature!
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Well, I guess there is one thing.
Take off the powdered wig
and step away from your drawers.
– Not bad.
– Not bad at all.
[both laugh]
Father?
Is everything all right, Father?
Thank you, gentlemen!
Someday, I will repay you.
Unless, of course,
I can’t find you or if I forget.
– [whinnies]
– [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish]
[ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]
[ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]
Oh, yeah
Turn and face the strange
Ch-Ch-Changes
Don’t wanna be a richer one
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-Ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be
a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Halt!
Tell Princess Fiona her husband,
Sir Shrek, is here to see her.
Still don’t know what
I was looking for
And my time was running wild,
a million dead-end streets
Every time I thought
I’d got it made
It seemed the taste
was not so sweet
– [screams]
– Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
– Shrek?
– Ch-Ch-Changes
Don’t wanna be a richer one
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Fiona?
Hello, handsome.
Shrek!
– Princess!
– Donkey?
Wow! That potion
worked on you, too?
What potion?
Shrek and I took some magic potion.
And well…
Now, we’re sexy!
Shrek?
[purrs]
For you, baby… I could be.
– Yeah, you wish.
– Donkey, where is Shrek?
He went inside looking for you.
Shrek?
Fiona! Fiona!
You want to dance, pretty boy?
Are you going so soon?
Don’t you want to see your wife?
Fiona?
Shrek?
Aye, Fiona. It is me.
What happened to your voice?
The potion changed
a lot of things, Fiona.
But not the way I feel about you.
Fiona?
– Charming?
– Do you think so?
[laughs] Dad. I was so hoping
you’d approve.
– Um… Who are you?
– Mom, it’s me, Shrek.
I know you never get a second chance
at a first impression,
but, well, what do you think?
[Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona!
Fiona!
– Fiona!
– Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho!
Oh, shoot! I don’t think they
can hear us, pigeon.
[sighs deeply]
Don’t you think you’ve already
messed her life up enough?
I just wanted her to be happy.
And now she can be.
Oh, sweetheart.
She’s finally found
the prince of her dreams.
But look at me.
Look what I’ve done for her.
It’s time you stop living
in a fairy tale, Shrek.
She’s a princess,
and you’re an ogre.
That’s something no amount
of potion will ever change.
But…
I love her.
If you really love her…
you’ll let her go.
[ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good]
[ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good]
Shrek?
Señor.
What’s going on?
Where are you going?
You wouldn’t have had anything to do
with this, would you, Harold?
People just ain’t no good
I think that’s well understood
There you go, boys.
Just leave the bottle, Doris.
Hey. Why the long face?
It was all just a stupid mistake.
I never should have rescued her
from that tower in the first place.
I hate Mondays.
I can’t believe you’d walk away from
the best thing that happened to you.
What choice do I have?
She loves that pretty boy,
Prince Charming.
Come on. Is he really
that good-looking?
Are you kidding?
He’s gorgeous!
He has a face that looks like
it was carved by angels.
– Oh. He sounds dreamy.
– You know…
shockingly, this isn’t
making me feel any better.
Look, guys.
It’s for the best.
Mom and Dad approve,
and Fiona gets the man
she’s always dreamed of.
Everybody wins.
Except for you.
I don’t get it, Shrek.
You love Fiona.
Aye.
And that’s why
I have to let her go.
Excuse me, is she here?
She’s, uh… in the back.
Oh, hello again.
Fairy Godmother. Charming.
You’d better have a good reason
for dragging us down here, Harold.
Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really…
warming up to Prince Charming.
– FYI, not my fault.
– No, of course it’s not, dear.
I mean,
how charming can I be
when I have to pretend
I’m that dreadful ogre?
No, no, it’s nobody’s fault.
Perhaps it’s best if we just
call the whole thing off, okay?
– [both] What?
– You can’t force someone to fall in love!
I beg to differ.
I do it all the time!
Have Fiona drink this and she’ll fall in love
with the first man she kisses,
which will be Charming.
– Umm… no.
– What did you say?
I can’t. I won’t do it.
Oh, yes, you will.
If you remember, I helped you
with your happily ever after.
And I can take it away
just as easily.
Is that what you want? Is it?
– No.
– Good boy.
Now, we have to go.
I need to do Charming’s hair
before the ball.
He’s hopeless.
He’s all high in the front.
He can never get to the back.
You need someone to do the back.
Oh. Thank you, Mother.
[Donkey] Mother?
Um… Mary! A talking horse!
The ogre!
Stop them! Thieves! Bandits!
Stop them!
(Announcer) The abs are fab
and it’s gluteus to the maximus
here at tonight’s Far, Far Away
Royal Ball blowout!
The coaches are lined up
as the cream of the crop pours out of them
like Miss Muffet’s curds and whey.
Everyone who’s anyone
has turned out
to honor Princess Fiona
and Prince Shrek.
And, oh my,
the outfits look gorgeous!
Look! Hansel and Gretel!
What the heck are the crumbs for?
And right behind them,
Tom Thumb and Thumbelina!
– Oh, aren’t they adorable!
– [screaming]
[woman] Here comes Sleeping Beauty!
Tired old thing.
Who’s this? Who’s this?
Who is this?
Oh. It’s the one, it’s the only…
It’s the Fairy Godmother!
Hello, Far, Far Away!
Can I get a whoop whoop?
May all your endings be happy and…
Well, you know the rest!
We’ll be right back with the Royal
Far, Far Away Ball
after these messages.
I hate these ball shows.
They bore me to tears.
Flip over to Wheel Of Torture!
I’m not flipping anywhere, sir,
until I see Shrek and Fiona.
Whizzes on you guys.
Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing!
No, to your left. Your left!
– Tonight on “Knights”…
– Now here’s a good show!
We got a white bronco heading east
into the forest. Requesting backup.
It’s time to teach these madcap mammals
their “devil may mare” attitudes
just won’t fly.
Why you grabbing me?
Police brutality!
I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
– We warned you!
– Ow! Ow!
Did someone let the cat out of the bag?
You capitalist pig dogs!
[shrieks]
– Catnip!
– That’s not mine.
Find Princess Fiona!
I’m a donkey!
Tell her Shrek…
I’m her husband, Shrek!
Quick! Rewind it!
I’m her husband, Shrek! Ow!
[knock on door]
Darling?
Ah. I thought I might
find you here.
How about a nice hot cup
of tea before the ball?
I’m not going.
The whole Kingdom’s turned out
to celebrate your marriage.
There’s just one problem.
That’s not my husband.
I mean, look at him.
Yes, he is a bit different,
but people change
for the ones they love.
You’d be surprised how much
I changed for your mother.
Change?
He’s completely lost his mind!
Why not come down to the ball
and give him another chance?
You might find you like
this new Shrek.
But it’s the old one
I fell in love with, Dad.
I’d give anything to have him back.
Darling. That’s mine. Decaf.
Otherwise I’m up all night.
Thanks.
I got to get out of here!
I got to get out of here!
You can’t lock us up like this!
Let me go!
What about my Miranda rights?
You’re supposed to say
I have the right to remain silent.
Nobody said I have the right
to remain silent!
You have the right to remain silent.
What you lack is the capacity.
I must hold on before I, too,
go totally mad.
Shrek? Donkey?
Too late.
Gingy! Pinocchio!
Get us out of here!
Oh…
[ Theme from Mission Impossible]
Fire in ze hole!
[explosion, rumbling]
Look out below!
Quick! Tell a lie!
– What should I say?
– Anything, but quick!
Say something crazy like
“I’m wearing ladies’ underwear!”
I am wearing ladies’ underwear.
– Are you?
– I most certainly am not!
It looks like you
most certainly am are!
– I am not!
– What kind?
– It’s a thong!
– Oww! They’re briefs!
– Are not.
– Are too!
– Are not!
– Are too!
Here we go. Hang tight.
[Donkey] Wait, wait, wait!
Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey!
Ow!
– Excuse me?
– What? Puss!
Pardon me, would you
mind letting me go?
– Sorry, boss.
– Quit messing around!
We’ve got to stop that kiss!
I thought you was going
to let her go.
I was, but I can’t let them
do this to Fiona.
Boom! That’s what I like to hear.
Look who’s coming around!
It’s impossible!
We’ll never get in.
The castle’s guarded.
There’s a moat and everything!
Folks, it looks like we’re up chocolate
creek without a Popsicle stick.
– What?
– Do you still know the Muffin Man?
Well, sure!
He’s down on Drury Lane. Why?
Because we’re gonna need flour.
Lots and lots of flour.
Gingy!
Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man!
We’ve got a big order to fill!
[evil chuckle]
[Gingy] It’s alive!
[rattling]
[gasping]
[whinnies] Run, run, run,
as fast you can!
[screaming]
Go, baby, go!
There it is, Mongo!
To the castle!
[Shrek] No, you great stupid pastry!
Come on!
[all shout]
[Donkey] Mongo! Down here!
Look at the pony!
That’s right! Follow the pretty pony!
Pretty pony wants to play
at the castle!
[Mongo] Pretty pony.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Presenting Princess Fiona
and her new husband, Prince Shrek.
[applause, cheering]
Shrek, what are you doing?
I’m just playing the part, Fiona.
Is that glitter on your lips?
Mm. Cherry flavored.
Want to taste?
– Ugh! What is with you?
– But, Muffin Cake…
[piano plays]
C Minor, put it in C Minor.
Ladies and gentlemen.
[applause, cheering]
I’d like to dedicate this song to…
Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek.
Fiona, my Princess.
Will you honor me with a dance?
Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
[all chant] Dance!
Where’s the streetwise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Since when do you dance?
Fiona, my dearest,
if there’s one thing I know,
it’s that love is full of surprises.
Late at night I toss and I turn
And I dream of what I need
Hit it!
I need a hero
All right, big fella!
Let’s crash this party!
Man the catapults!
Aim! Fire!
– Brace yourselves!
– Ooh! Purty!
[groaning]
Not the gumdrop button!
[enraged howling]
Incoming!
Ha-ha! All right!
Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Go, Mongo! Go!
Man the cauldrons!
After you, Mongo.
– That’s it! Heave-ho!
– Watch out!
Shrek!
More heat, less foam!
Up where the mountains
Meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning
Splits the sea
I could swear there is someone
Somewhere watching me
Heave! Ho!
[Gingy, slow-motion] No…!
[Mongo groans]
[whistles] Come on!
[cheering]
Look out!
– Be good.
– [weeping bitterly]
[sobbing] He needs me!
Let me go!
Donkey!
Puss!
Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go!
Today, I repay my debt.
[all] Aww…
[growling] On guard!
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh
From the fight
– I need a hero
– Stop!
[Donkey whinnies]
– Hey, you! Back away from my wife.
– Shrek?
You couldn’t just go back to your swamp
and leave well enough alone.
– Now!
– Pigs und blanket!
Pinocchio! Get the wand!
I see London! I see France!
Whah!
I’m a real boy!
Ah! Ah! Aaahhh!
Catch!
Donkey!
Oh!
I’m a real boy. Aah!
Oh!
– Ha!
– Ah.
That’s mine!
Pray for mercy, from Puss…
And Donkey!
She’s taken the potion!
Kiss her now!
No!
– Hi-ya!
– [crowd gasp]
– Fiona.
– Shrek.
Harold! You were supposed
to give her the potion!
Well, I guess I gave her
the wrong tea.
– [Charming] Mommy!
– Mommy?
[growls] I told you.
Ogres don’t live happily ever after.
[screams]
Woo!
Ha!
[breathes deeply]
[gasping] Oh, Dad!
[sobbing]
– Is he…?
– Yup.
[croaking]
He croaked.
Harold?
Dad?
I’d hoped you’d never
see me like this.
– And he gave you a hard time!
– Donkey!
No, no, he’s right.
I’m sorry.
To both of you.
I only wanted what
was best for Fiona.
But I can see now…
she already has it.
Shrek, Fiona…
Will you accept
an old frog’s apologies…
and my blessing?
Harold?
I’m sorry, Lillian.
I just wish I could be
the man you deserve.
You’re more that man today
than you ever were…
warts and all.
[ribbits]
[clock chimes]
[clock chimes]
Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion!
Midnight!
Fiona. Is this what you want?
To be this way forever?
– What?
– Because if you kiss me now…
we can stay like this.
You’d do that?
– For me?
– Yes.
I want what any princess wants.
To live happily ever after…
with the ogre I married.
Whatever happens,
I must not cry!
You cannot make me cry!
[sobbing]
[clock chimes]
Whoa!
No. No, no.
Aaah! Ow.
Oh, no.
[sighs]
[laughs] Hey. You still look like
a noble steed to me.
[giggles] Now, where were we?
Oh. I remember.
[giggling]
[applause]
Hey! Isn’t we supposed
to be having a fiesta?
Uno, dos, quatro, hit it!
[ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:
Livin’ La Vida Loca]
[ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:
Livin’ La Vida Loca]
Puss and Donkey, y’all…
She’s into superstitions
Black cats and voodoo dolls
– Sing it, Puss!
– I feel a premonition
That girl’s gonna make me fall
Here we go!
She’s into new sensations
New kicks in the candlelight
She’s got a new addiction
For every day and night
She’ll make you take your clothes off
And go dancing in the rain
She’ll make you live her crazy life
But she’ll take away your pain
Like a bullet to your brain
Upside inside out
Living la vida loca
Hey gorgeous!
Living la vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin’s the color of mocha
She will wear you out
– Living la vida loca
– [Donkey] She livin’ it loca!
Living la vida loca
– [Donkey] Say it one more time now!
– Living the vida loca
[Puss in Boots jamming]
[Puss in Boots]
Hey, Donkey, that’s Spanish!
She’ll push and pull you down
Living la vida loca
She will wear you out
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
She’ll push and pull you down
Living the vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin’s the color of mocha
She will wear you out
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
All by myself
All by myself
Don’t wanna be
All by myself anymore…
Amigo, we are off
to the Kit-Kat Club.
Come on, join us.
Thanks, compadre.
I’m… I’m not in the mood.
We will cheer you up!
Find you a nice burro!
[shrieking]
Hey, baby!
Hey, that’s my girl!
Yeah! All right!
Baby, where you been?
– [cries]
– I’m sorry, too.
I should’ve stayed.
But Shrek had this thing he had to do.
What? Say it one more time.
What you talking about?
Are you serious?
– [cooing]
– [gasping]
– Papa!
– [screaming]
– [cooing, squealing]
– [chuckling]
Look at our little mutant babies!
[Donkey] I got to get a job.
[Donkey] I got to get a job.
Comrade, steel production is down
I said comrade, you must sleep on the ground I said comrade, cause youre in new gulag There’s no need to be capitalist!
Comrade, there’s a place you can go
I said comrade, where everybody shares dough You must stay here, and I’m sure that we’ll find Many ways to maximize your productivity
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
They have everything for laborer to make You can hang out with all
The Bolsheviks
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
You can cleanse yourself of filth You can eat the borscht
You can do whatever state requires
Comrade, are you listen to Stalin?
I said Comrade, do you hear KGB callin?
I said comrade, you can make real Marx’s dreams But you must know this one thing
No man, does it all by himself
I said comrade, put your individualism on the shelf And just go there, to the USSR
I’m sure you can help the revolution
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
They have everything for laborer to make You can hang out with all the Bolsheviks
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
It’s fun to stay at the USSR!
Bee Movie Script – Dialogue Transcript
According to all known laws
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don’t care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let’s shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
– Barry?
– Adam?
– Oan you believe this is happening?
– I can’t. I’ll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I’m excited.
Here’s the graduate.
We’re very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B’s.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
– You got lint on your fuzz.
– Ow! That’s me!
– Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.
– Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
– Hey, Adam.
– Hey, Barry.
– Is that fuzz gel?
– A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I’d make it.
Three days grade school,
three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I’m glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
– Hi, Barry.
– Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
– Hear about Frankie?
– Yeah.
– You going to the funeral?
– No, I’m not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don’t waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That’s why we don’t need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.
– Well, Adam, today we are men.
– We are!
– Bee-men.
– Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of…
…9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it’s just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
– Wonder what it’ll be like?
– A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…
Honey!
– That girl was hot.
– She’s my cousin!
– She is?
– Yes, we’re all cousins.
– Right. You’re right.
– At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
– What do you think he makes?
– Not enough.
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.
– What does that do?
– Oatches that little strand of honey
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know
that every small job,
if it’s done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you’ll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn’t know that.
What’s the difference?
You’ll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven’t had one day off
in 27 million years.
So you’ll just work us to death?
We’ll sure try.
Wow! That blew my mind!
“What’s the difference?”
How can you say that?
One job forever?
That’s an insane choice to have to make.
I’m relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?
Why would you question anything?
We’re bees.
We’re the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?
Like what? Give me one example.
I don’t know. But you know
what I’m talking about.
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.
Wait a second. Oheck it out.
– Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
– Wow.
I’ve never seen them this close.
They know what it’s like
outside the hive.
Yeah, but some don’t come back.
– Hey, Jocks!
– Hi, Jocks!
You guys did great!
You’re monsters!
You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
– I wonder where they were.
– I don’t know.
Their day’s not planned.
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.
You can’tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.
Right.
Look. That’s more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.
It’s just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.
Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies?
Aren’t they our cousins too?
Distant. Distant.
Look at these two.
– Oouple of Hive Harrys.
– Let’s have fun with them.
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!
– Oh, my!
– I never thought I’d knock him out.
What were you doing during this?
Trying to alert the authorities.
I can autograph that.
A little gusty out there today,
wasn’t it, comrades?
Yeah. Gusty.
We’re hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.
– Six miles, huh?
– Barry!
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you’re not up for it.
– Maybe I am.
– You are not!
We’re going 0900 at J-Gate.
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.
Hey, Honex!
Dad, you surprised me.
You decide what you’re interested in?
– Well, there’s a lot of choices.
– But you only get one.
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It’s a beautiful thing.
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field
just isn’t right for me.
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
That’s a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son’s not sure
he wants to go into honey!
– Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
– I’m not trying to be funny.
You’re not funny! You’re going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
– You’re gonna be a stirrer?
– No one’s listening to me!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now.
I’m gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let’s open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!
I’m so proud.
– We’re starting work today!
– Today’s the day.
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal…
– Is it still available?
– Hang on. Two left!
One of them’s yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
– What’d you get?
– Picking crud out. Stellar!
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
– You want to go first?
– No, you go.
Oh, my. What’s available?
Restroom attendant’s open,
not for the reason you think.
– Any chance of getting the Krelman?
– Sure, you’re on.
I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey’s always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He’s dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That’s life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should… Barry?
Barry!
All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine…
What happened to you?
Where are you?
– I’m going out.
– Out? Out where?
– Out there.
– Oh, no!
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.
You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello?
Another call coming in.
If anyone’s feeling brave,
there’s a Korean deli on 83rd
that gets their roses today.
Hey, guys.
– Look at that.
– Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday?
Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted.
It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up.
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
– Thank you.
– OK.
You got a rain advisory today,
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.
Murphy’s in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!
– That’s awful.
– And a reminder for you rookies,
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Black and yellow!
Hello!
You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
Wind, check.
– Antennae, check.
– Nectar pack, check.
– Wings, check.
– Stinger, check.
Scared out of my shorts, check.
OK, ladies,
let’s move it out!
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!
All of you, drain those flowers!
Wow! I’m out!
I can’t believe I’m out!
So blue.
I feel so fast and free!
Box kite!
Wow!
Flowers!
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
Roses!
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
Stand to the side, kid.
It’s got a bit of a kick.
That is one nectar collector!
– Ever see pollination up close?
– No, sir.
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,
a pinch on that one.
See that? It’s a little bit of magic.
That’s amazing. Why do we do that?
That’s pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
Oool.
I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those?
Oopy that visual.
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.
Say again? You’re reporting
a moving flower?
Affirmative.
That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it?
I don’t know, but I’m loving this color.
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.
Yeah, fuzzy.
Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby.
My sweet lord of bees!
Oandy-brain, get off there!
Problem!
– Guys!
– This could be bad.
Affirmative.
Very close.
Gonna hurt.
Mama’s little boy.
You are way out of position, rookie!
Ooming in at you like a missile!
Help me!
I don’t think these are flowers.
– Should we tell him?
– I think he knows.
What is this?!
Match point!
You can start packing up, honey,
because you’re about to eat it!
Yowser!
Gross.
There’s a bee in the car!
– Do something!
– I’m driving!
– Hi, bee.
– He’s back here!
He’s going to sting me!
Nobody move. If you don’t move,
he won’t sting you. Freeze!
He blinked!
Spray him, Granny!
What are you doing?!
Wow… the tension level
out here is unbelievable.
I gotta get home.
Oan’t fly in rain.
Oan’t fly in rain.
Oan’t fly in rain.
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.
You see? Folds out.
Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this.
What was that?
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This…
Drapes!
That is diabolical.
It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
What’s number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don’t go for that…
…kind of stuff.
No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them.
They’re out of their minds.
When I leave a job interview, they’re
flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say.
There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out.
I don’t remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.
I predicted global warming.
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee!
Stand back. These are winter boots.
Wait!
Don’t kill him!
You know I’m allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!
Why does his life have
less value than yours?
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?
I’m just saying all life has value. You
don’t know what he’s capable of feeling.
My brochure!
There you go, little guy.
I’m not scared of him.
It’s an allergic thing.
Put that on your resume brochure.
My whole face could puff up.
Make it one of your special skills.
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
– Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
– Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
– You could put carob chips on there.
– Bye.
– Supposed to be less calories.
– Bye.
I gotta say something.
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.
All right, here it goes.
Nah.
What would I say?
I could really get in trouble.
It’s a bee law.
You’re not supposed to talk to a human.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve got to.
Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No.
Do it. I can’t.
How should I start it?
“You like jazz?” No, that’s no good.
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
Hi!
I’m sorry.
– You’re talking.
– Yes, I know.
You’re talking!
I’m so sorry.
No, it’s OK. It’s fine.
I know I’m dreaming.
But I don’t recall going to bed.
Well, I’m sure this
is very disconcerting.
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you’re a bee!
I am. And I’m not supposed
to be doing this,
but they were all trying to kill me.
And if it wasn’t for you…
I had to thank you.
It’s just how I was raised.
That was a little weird.
– I’m talking with a bee.
– Yeah.
I’m talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!
I just want to say I’m grateful.
I’ll leave now.
– Wait! How did you learn to do that?
– What?
The talking thing.
Same way you did, I guess.
“Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.
– That’s very funny.
– Yeah.
Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh,
we’d cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway…
Oan I…
…get you something?
– Like what?
I don’t know. I mean…
I don’t know. Ooffee?
I don’t want to put you out.
It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes.
– It’s just coffee.
– I hate to impose.
– Don’t be ridiculous!
– Actually, I would love a cup.
Hey, you want rum cake?
– I shouldn’t.
– Have some.
– No, I can’t.
– Oome on!
I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms.
– Where?
– These stripes don’t help.
You look great!
I don’t know if you know
anything about fashion.
Are you all right?
No.
He’s making the tie in the cab
as they’re flying up Madison.
He finally gets there.
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.
And he says, “Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.
Why would I marry a watermelon?”
Is that a bee joke?
That’s the kind of stuff we do.
Yeah, different.
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
About work? I don’t know.
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can’t do it the way they want.
I know how you feel.
– You do?
– Sure.
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
– Really?
– My only interest is flowers.
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.
Anyway, if you look…
There’s my hive right there. See it?
You’re in Sheep Meadow!
Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond!
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.
– Why do girls put rings on their toes?
– Why not?
– It’s like putting a hat on your knee.
– Maybe I’ll try that.
– You all right, ma’am?
– Oh, yeah. Fine.
Just having two cups of coffee!
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.
Yeah, it’s no trouble.
Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did,
I’d be up the rest of my life.
Are you…?
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
– Thanks!
– Yeah.
All right. Well, then…
I guess I’ll see you around.
Or not.
OK, Barry.
And thank you
so much again… for before.
Oh, that? That was nothing.
Well, not nothing, but… Anyway…
This can’t possibly work.
He’s all set to go.
We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
– Sounds amazing.
– It was amazing!
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.
Humans! I can’t believe
you were with humans!
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.
– Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
– Some of them. But some of them don’t.
– How’d you get back?
– Poodle.
You did it, and I’m glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.
You had your “experience.” Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.
– Well…
– Well?
Well, I met someone.
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
– A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
– No, no, no, not a wasp.
– Spider?
– I’m not attracted to spiders.
I know it’s the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.
I can’t get by that face.
So who is she?
She’s… human.
No, no. That’s a bee law.
You wouldn’t break a bee law.
– Her name’s Vanessa.
– Oh, boy.
She’s so nice. And she’s a florist!
Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist!
We’re not dating.
You’re flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
She saved my life!
And she understands me.
This is over!
Eat this.
This is not over! What was that?
– They call it a crumb.
– It was so stingin’ stripey!
And that’s not what they eat.
That’s what falls off what they eat!
– You know what a Oinnabon is?
– No.
It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up…
Sit down!
…really hot!
– Listen to me!
We are not them! We’re us.
There’s us and there’s them!
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?
There’s no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!
– Thinking bee.
– Thinking bee.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
There he is. He’s in the pool.
You know what your problem is, Barry?
I gotta start thinking bee?
How much longer will this go on?
It’s been three days!
Why aren’t you working?
I’ve got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You’re barely a bee!
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?
Barry, come out.
Your father’s talking to you.
Martin, would you talk to him?
Barry, I’m talking to you!
You coming?
Got everything?
All set!
Go ahead. I’ll catch up.
Don’t be too long.
Watch this!
Vanessa!
– We’re still here.
– I told you not to yell at him.
He doesn’t respond to yelling!
– Then why yell at me?
– Because you don’t listen!
I’m not listening to this.
Sorry, I’ve gotta go.
– Where are you going?
– I’m meeting a friend.
A girl? Is this why you can’t decide?
Bye.
I just hope she’s Bee-ish.
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that’s every florist’s dream!
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?
No. All right, I’ve got one.
How come you don’t fly everywhere?
It’s exhausting. Why don’t you
run everywhere? It’s faster.
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That’s insane!
You don’t have that?
We have Hivo, but it’s a disease.
It’s a horrible, horrible disease.
Oh, my.
Dumb bees!
You must want to sting all those jerks.
We try not to sting.
It’s usually fatal for us.
So you have to watch your temper.
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:
Anger, jealousy, lust.
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
Yeah.
– What is wrong with you?!
– It’s a bug.
He’s not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!
What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular?
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
You’ve really got that
down to a science.
– I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
– I’ll bet.
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
Ray Liotta Private Select?
– Is he that actor?
– I never heard of him.
– Why is this here?
– For people. We eat it.
You don’t have
enough food of your own?
– Well, yes.
– How do you get it?
– Bees make it.
– I know who makes it!
And it’s hard to make it!
There’s heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!
– It’s organic.
– It’s our-ganic!
It’s just honey, Barry.
Just what?!
Bees don’t know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
You’ve taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!
And it’s on sale?!
I’m getting to the bottom of this.
I’m getting to the bottom
of all of this!
Hey, Hector.
– You almost done?
– Almost.
He is here. I sense it.
Well, I guess I’ll go home now
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.
You’re busted, box boy!
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!
I can talk.
And now you’ll start talking!
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who’s your supplier?
I don’t understand.
I thought we were friends.
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!
You’re too late! It’s ours now!
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
they’re on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You’re not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I’m going to Tacoma.
– And you?
– He really is dead.
All right.
Uh-oh!
– What is that?!
– Oh, no!
– A wiper! Triple blade!
– Triple blade?
Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington,
I’m Oarl Kasell.
But don’t kill no more bugs!
– Bee!
– Moose blood guy!!
– You hear something?
– Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they’re getting it.
I mean, that honey’s ours.
– Bees hang tight.
– We’re all jammed in.
It’s a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
– What if you get in trouble?
– You a mosquito, you in trouble.
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you’re out in the world.
You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood’s about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
– Hey, guys!
– Mooseblood!
I knew I’d catch y’all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it’s pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee’s got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
– Oheck out the new smoker.
– Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
“They make the honey,
and we make the money”?
Oh, my!
What’s going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn’t last too long.
Do you know you’re
in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
This is your queen?
That’s a man in women’s clothes!
That’s a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There’s hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That’s a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That’s a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He’s been talking to humans.
– What?
– Talking to humans?!
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
– You wish you could.
– Whose side are you on?
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn’t stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it’s true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
– That would hurt.
– No.
Up the nose? That’s a killer.
There’s only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive’s only
full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
– Good evening. I’m Bob Bumble.
– And I’m Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we’ll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we’re talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, “I’m a kid
from the hive. I can’t do this”?
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I’m from, we’d never sue humans.
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
It’s a common name. Next week…
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots…
Next week…
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard ’em.
Bear Week next week!
They’re scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81.
Honey, her backhand’s a joke!
I’m not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
– Is that that same bee?
– Yes, it is!
I’m helping him sue the human race.
– Hello.
– Hello, bee.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go
’cause we’re really busy working.
But it’s our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
– Frosting…
– How many sugars?
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you’re three.
And artificial flowers.
– Oh, those just get me psychotic!
– Yeah, me too.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that’s had work done.
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
– This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal.
– I guess.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I’m done with
the humans, they won’t be able
to say, “Honey, I’m home,”
without paying a royalty!
It’s an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It’s pretty big, isn’t it?
I can’t believe how many humans
don’t work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
– What’s the matter?
– I don’t know, I just got a chill.
Well, if it isn’t the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing
the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson… you’re representing
all the bees of the world?
I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we’re ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man’s divine right
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn’t some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen,
there’s no trickery here.
I’m just an ordinary bee.
Honey’s pretty important to me.
It’s important to all bees.
We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
’cause we’re the little guys!
I’m hoping that, after this is all over,
you’ll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he’d dress like that
all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
I don’t imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
– No.
– I couldn’t hear you.
– No.
– No.
Because you don’t free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
They’re very lovable creatures.
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
You mean like this?
Bears kill bees!
How’d you like his head crashing
through your living room?!
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!
OK, that’s enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.
– Where have I heard it before?
– I was with a band called The Police.
But you’ve never been
a police officer, have you?
No, I haven’t.
No, you haven’t. And so here
we have yet another example
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.
Oh, please.
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
Because I’m feeling
a little stung, Sting.
Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
That’s not his real name?! You idiots!
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.
Thank you. Thank you.
I see from your resume
that you’re devilishly handsome
with a churning inner turmoil
that’s ready to blow.
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
Not yet it isn’t. But is this
what it’s come to for you?
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don’t
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!
This isn’t a goodfella.
This is a badfella!
Why doesn’t someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!
– Order in this court!
– You’re all thinking it!
Order! Order, I say!
– Say it!
– Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.
I think the jury’s on our side.
Are we doing everything right, legally?
I’m a florist.
Right. Well, here’s to a great team.
To a great team!
Well, hello.
– Ken!
– Hello.
I didn’t think you were coming.
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but… the battery.
I didn’t want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
Oh, that was lucky.
There’s a little left.
I could heat it up.
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
So I hear you’re quite a tennis player.
I’m not much for the game myself.
The ball’s a little grabby.
That’s where I usually sit.
Right… there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn’t really a special skill.
You think I don’t see what you’re doing?
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.
Do we?
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That’s just what
I was thinking about doing.
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
I’m going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that.
Look at that.
You know, I’ve just about had it
with your little mind games.
– What’s that?
– Italian Vogue.
Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages.
A lot of ads.
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?
Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that!
I think something stinks in here!
I love the smell of flowers.
How do you like the smell of flames?!
Not as much.
Water bug! Not taking sides!
Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!
I’ve got issues!
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
– You’re bluffing.
– Am I?
Surf’s up, dude!
Poo water!
That bowl is gnarly.
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
You know, I don’t even like honey!
I don’t eat it!
We need to talk!
He’s just a little bee!
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time!
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you’re one of them!
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!
Goodbye, Ken.
And for your information,
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!
I’m sorry about all that.
I know it’s got
an aftertaste! I like it!
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.
I couldn’t overcome it.
Oh, well.
Are you OK for the trial?
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
Good idea! You can really see why he’s
considered one of the best lawyers…
Yeah.
Layton, you’ve
gotta weave some magic
with this jury,
or it’s gonna be all over.
Don’t worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around
is to remind them
of what they don’t like about bees.
– You got the tweezers?
– Are you allergic?
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you
what I think we’d all like to know.
What exactly is your relationship
to that woman?
We’re friends.
– Good friends?
– Yes.
How good? Do you live together?
Wait a minute…
Are you her little…
…bedbug?
I’ve seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,
doesn’t your queen give birth
to all the bee children?
– Yeah, but…
– So those aren’t your real parents!
– Oh, Barry…
– Yes, they are!
Hold me back!
You’re an illegitimate bee,
aren’t you, Benson?
He’s denouncing bees!
Don’t y’all date your cousins?
– Objection!
– I’m going to pincushion this guy!
Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants!
Oh, I’m hit!!
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order!
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!
You see? You can’t treat them
like equals! They’re striped savages!
Stinging’s the only thing
they know! It’s their way!
– Adam, stay with me.
– I can’t feel my legs.
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison
from my heaving buttocks?
I will have order in this court. Order!
Order, please!
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race
took a pointed turn against the bees
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
– Hey, buddy.
– Hey.
– Is there much pain?
– Yeah.
I…
I blew the whole case, didn’t I?
It doesn’t matter. What matters is
you’re alive. You could have died.
I’d be better off dead. Look at me.
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
Look, there’s
a little celery still on it.
What was it like to sting someone?
I can’t explain it. It was all…
All adrenaline and then…
and then ecstasy!
All right.
You think it was all a trap?
Of course. I’m sorry.
I flew us right into this.
What were we thinking? Look at us. We’re
just a couple of bugs in this world.
What will the humans do to us
if they win?
I don’t know.
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn’t sound so bad.
Adam, they check in,
but they don’t check out!
Oh, my.
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?
– Why?
– The smoke.
Bees don’t smoke.
Right. Bees don’t smoke.
Bees don’t smoke!
But some bees are smoking.
That’s it! That’s our case!
It is? It’s not over?
Get dressed. I’ve gotta go somewhere.
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.
And assuming you’ve done step correctly, you’re ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman.
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
Where is the rest of your team?
Well, Your Honor, it’s interesting.
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
and as a result,
we don’t make very good time.
I actually heard a funny story about…
Your Honor,
haven’t these ridiculous bugs
taken up enough
of this court’s valuable time?
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!
Mr. Flayman, I’m afraid I’m going
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery’s motion.
But you can’t! We have a terrific case.
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?
Show me the smoking gun!
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?
Here is your smoking gun.
What is that?
It’s a bee smoker!
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?
This couldn’t hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.
Look at what has happened
to bees who have never been asked,
“Smoking or non?”
Is this what nature intended for us?
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?
– What are we gonna do?
– He’s playing the species card.
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
The court finds in favor of the bees!
Vanessa, we won!
I knew you could do it! High-five!
Sorry.
I’m OK! You know what this means?
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.
Now we won’t have
to work so hard all the time.
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.
You’ll regret this.
Barry, how much honey is out there?
All right. One at a time.
Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.
– What if Montgomery’s right?
– What do you mean?
We’ve been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we’ll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,
every last drop.
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.
We’re all aware
of what they do in the woods.
Wait for my signal.
Take him out.
He’ll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he’ll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames…
But it’s just a prance-about stage name!
…unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.
Oan’t breathe.
Bring it in, boys!
Hold it right there! Good.
Tap it.
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there’s gallons more coming!
– I think we need to shut down!
– Shut down? We’ve never shut down.
Shut down honey production!
Stop making honey!
Turn your key, sir!
What do we do now?
Oannonball!
We’re shutting honey production!
Mission abort.
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.
Adam, you wouldn’t believe
how much honey was out there.
Oh, yeah?
What’s going on? Where is everybody?
– Are they out celebrating?
– They’re home.
They don’t know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.
At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn’t?
It’s the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.
And now…
Now I can’t.
I don’t understand
why they’re not happy.
I thought their lives would be better!
They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing.
Honey really changes people.
You don’t have any idea
what’s going on, do you?
– What did you want to show me?
– This.
What happened here?
That is not the half of it.
Oh, no. Oh, my.
They’re all wilting.
Doesn’t look very good, does it?
No.
And whose fault do you think that is?
You know, I’m gonna guess bees.
Bees?
Specifically, me.
I didn’t think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.
It’s notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
That’s our whole SAT test right there.
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.
And then, of course…
The human species?
So if there’s no more pollination,
it could all just go south here,
couldn’t it?
I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact?
How do we do it?
– I’ll sting you, you step on me.
– Thatjust kills you twice.
Right, right.
Listen, Barry…
sorry, but I gotta get going.
I had to open my mouth and talk.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.
They’ve moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.
It’s the last chance
I’ll ever have to see it.
Vanessa, I just wanna say I’m sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.
I know. Me neither.
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can’t do sports.
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
Roses!
Vanessa!
Roses?!
Barry?
– Roses are flowers!
– Yes, they are.
Flowers, bees, pollen!
I know.
That’s why this is the last parade.
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down?
Barry!
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.
Yes, it kind of is.
I’ve ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you
with the flower shop.
I’ve made it worse.
Actually, it’s completely closed down.
I thought maybe you were remodeling.
But I have another idea, and it’s
greater than my previous ideas combined.
I don’t want to hear it!
All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.
I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.
All we gotta do is get what they’ve got
back here with what we’ve got.
– Bees.
– Park.
– Pollen!
– Flowers.
– Repollination!
– Across the nation!
Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.
They’ve got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
Security will be tight.
I have an idea.
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
Official floral business. It’s real.
Sorry, ma’am. Nice brooch.
Thank you. It was a gift.
Once inside,
we just pick the right float.
How about The Princess and the Pea?
I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!
Yes, I got it.
– Where should I sit?
– What are you?
– I believe I’m the pea.
– The pea?
It goes under the mattresses.
– Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
– I’m getting the marshal.
You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!
Let’s see what this baby’ll do.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Then all we do
is blend in with traffic…
…without arousing suspicion.
Once at the airport,
there’s no stopping us.
Stop! Security.
– You and your insect pack your float?
– Yes.
Has it been
in your possession the entire time?
Would you remove your shoes?
– Remove your stinger.
– It’s part of me.
I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.
Then if we’re lucky, we’ll have
just enough pollen to do the job.
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!
I think this is gonna work.
It’s got to work.
Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.
We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.
It looks like we’ll experience
a couple hours delay.
Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They’ll never make it.
I gotta get up there
and talk to them.
Be careful.
Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?
I’d like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
Oaptain, I’m in a real situation.
– What’d you say, Hal?
– Nothing.
Bee!
Don’t freak out! My entire species…
What are you doing?
– Wait a minute! I’m an attorney!
– Who’s an attorney?
Don’t move.
Oh, Barry.
Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?
And please hurry!
What happened here?
There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.
One’s bald, one’s in a boat,
they’re both unconscious!
– Is that another bee joke?
– No!
No one’s flying the plane!
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What’s your status?
This is Vanessa Bloome.
I’m a florist from New York.
Where’s the pilot?
He’s unconscious,
and so is the copilot.
Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?
As a matter of fact, there is.
– Who’s that?
– Barry Benson.
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.
It’s got giant wings, huge engines.
I can’t fly a plane.
– Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot?
– Yes.
How hard could it be?
Wait, Barry!
We’re headed into some lightning.
This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
where a suspenseful scene
is developing.
Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory…
That’s Barry!
…is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers
and an incapacitated flight crew.
Flowers?!
We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls
with absolutely no flight experience.
Just a minute.
There’s a bee on that plane.
I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.
They’ve done enough damage.
But isn’t he your only hope?
Technically, a bee
shouldn’t be able to fly at all.
Their wings are too small…
Haven’t we heard this a million times?
“The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense.”
– Get this on the air!
– Got it.
– Stand by.
– We’re going live.
The way we work may be a mystery to you.
Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.
But let me tell you about a small job.
If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.
More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.
That’s why I want to get bees
back to working together.
That’s the bee way!
We’re not made of Jell-O.
We get behind a fellow.
– Black and yellow!
– Hello!
Left, right, down, hover.
– Hover?
– Forget hover.
This isn’t so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Barry, what happened?!
Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.
– That may have been helping me.
– And now we’re not!
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
All of you, let’s get
behind this fellow! Move it out!
Move out!
Our only chance is if I do what I’d do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!
Don’t have to yell.
I’m not yelling!
We’re in a lot of trouble.
It’s very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!
It’s not a tone. I’m panicking!
I can’t do this!
Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!
You snap out of it.
You snap out of it.
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– You snap out of it!
– Hold it!
– Why? Oome on, it’s my turn.
How is the plane flying?
I don’t know.
Hello?
Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?
The Pollen Jocks!
They do get behind a fellow.
– Black and yellow.
– Hello.
All right, let’s drop this tin can
on the blacktop.
Where? I can’t see anything. Oan you?
No, nothing. It’s all cloudy.
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
– Thinking bee.
– Thinking bee.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Wait a minute.
I think I’m feeling something.
– What?
– I don’t know. It’s strong, pulling me.
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
Bring the nose down.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
– What in the world is on the tarmac?
– Get some lights on that!
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
– Vanessa, aim for the flower.
– OK.
Out the engines. We’re going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?
Affirmative!
Good. Good. Easy, now. That’s it.
Land on that flower!
Ready? Full reverse!
Spin it around!
– Not that flower! The other one!
– Which one?
– That flower.
– I’m aiming at the flower!
That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower
made of millions of bees!
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
Rotate around it.
– This is insane, Barry!
– This’s the only way I know how to fly.
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?
Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!
Just drop it. Be a part of it.
Aim for the center!
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
Oome on, already.
Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!
– Yes. No high-five!
– Right.
Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?
What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!
– Thank you.
– But we’re not done yet.
Listen, everyone!
This runway is covered
with the last pollen
from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.
That means this is our last chance.
We’re the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.
If we’re gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?
Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?
We’re bees!
Keychain!
Then follow me! Except Keychain.
Hold on, Barry. Here.
You’ve earned this.
Yeah!
I’m a Pollen Jock! And it’s a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
Oh, yeah.
That’s our Barry.
Mom! The bees are back!
If anybody needs
to make a call, now’s the time.
I got a feeling we’ll be
working late tonight!
Here’s your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who’s next?
Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don’t forget these.
Milk, cream, cheese, it’s all me.
And I don’t see a nickel!
Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!
I had no idea.
Barry, I’m sorry.
Have you got a moment?
Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.
Sorry I’m late.
He’s a lawyer too?
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.
Have a great afternoon!
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can’t get them anywhere.
No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.
You’re a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who’s next?
All right, scramble, jocks!
It’s time to fly.
Thank you, Barry!
That bee is living my life!
Let it go, Kenny.
– When will this nightmare end?!
– Let it all go.
– Beautiful day to fly.
– Sure is.
Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.
You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.
– Thinking bee!
– Me?
Hold it. Let’s just stop
for a second. Hold it.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?
I’m not making a major life decision
during a production number!
All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
What the fuck is this comment section