FCC Chairman Ajit Pai Orders the Throttling of All Stormy Daniels Videos

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai outlines the broader 'Stormy Throttle Amendment' to the FCC's Net Neutrality rollback order.
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FCC Chairman Ajit Pai outlines the broader 'Stormy Throttle Amendment' to the FCC's Net Neutrality rollback order.
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FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, in an emergency meeting to discuss the special Throttling Amendment.

Federal Communications Commission chairman Ajit Pai is now ordering heavy throttling of a number of Stormy Daniels videos, starting with those featured on Pornhub.  The order is the first of its kind from the FCC involving a specific adult performer.

In an unprecedented move, FCC chairman Ajit Pai has issued direct orders to Comcast, Verizon, Cox Communications, Frontier, and numerous other ISPs to throttle a large collection of Stormy Daniels videos.  Initially, Pai will be targeting a highly-trafficked collection found on Pornhub.

“My repeal of net neutrality was designed to introduce a ‘light touch’ regulatory framework to the internet,” Pai stated, according to the New York Times.  “That includes limiting internet performers who are obviously not ‘light touch’ when it comes to millions of males in this country.”

The throttle directive will be added as a special amendment to the FCC’s recently-submitted order repealing net neutrality.  “I have ordered the FCC to add Amendment 69-DD to the Order, thereby making it officially the law of the United States,” Mr. Pai declared.

When asked if the targeted throttling was in any way connected to a growing scandal involving his boss, President Donald Trump, Pai severely throttled the question in his mind.  That had the effect of slowing it down so much, Pai couldn’t properly understand the question.  After the reporter offered him a $100 bill to prioritize the question, it was played back in Pai’s mind at full-speed, but Pai completely blocked it before the question could be finished.

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The Amendment also includes a complete block of the heavily-watched interview of Stormy Daniels on 60 Minutes.  In that interview, Daniels explains that having random sex without a condom is okay if it involves a future President of the United States.

“One aspect of the net neutrality repeal that is sometimes overlooked is that I am now the king of the internet,” Pai declared, while pulling out a vintage Kentucky long gun awarded to him by the NRA.  “Come test me: I will block you.  I will throttle your entire family.”

The rare ‘direct throttle directive’ follows a ‘thorough review’ of the Daniels material by Mr. Pai himself.

In disclosing the throttle, Ajit Pai explained that the ‘Throttling Amendment’ only came after a thorough review process conducted in the basement of Mr. Pai’s residence in Virginia.  In total, Pai noted that he investigated more than 170 ‘questionable videos involving Ms. Daniels’ on Pornhub.

Separately, Facebook confirmed that those videos were watched between the hours of 1:36 am and 4:22 am EST.

Accordingly, Pai has bookmarked the locations of all 170 videos, and ordered Comcast to construct a dedicated fast lane for those urls to his private residence.  That will allow further review as needed.

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Additionally, separate fast lanes for those videos are also being constructed for review by other administration officials, in particular Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson, Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Scott Pruitt, and Department of the Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke.

The construction of those fast lanes will be financed by U.S. taxpayer dollars, but re-filed as ‘first class air travel and office furniture expenses’ to hide their actual use.

Separately, other adult websites are not being targeted because they have offered to pay under new federal paid prioritization programs.  “As part of the ‘light tough’ regulatory framework, internet sites and services should be asked to pay for access to American web surfers,” Pai explained.  “If they decline to pay citing Obama-era regulations — then fuck ’em, they get throttled.”

Pornhub itself has offered a brief statement on the throttling.  “If you want a storm to brew up in your testicle sack, then get ready to get soaked in some Stormy Daniels action,” a representative stated, citing the rarely-read description on the official Stormy Daniels Pornhub page.

More as this develops.