The iPhone 7 Has 99 Problems. And They Are…

iPhone 7 with Adapter
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Sure you want to buy an iPhone 7?  Here are just a few problems to consider.

1. iPhone 7 isn’t that much different than the iPhone 6.

2. Some people think the iPhone 6 is worse than the iPhone 5.

3. The iPhone 8 will be much better.

4. You don’t need to get every iPhone.  It doesn’t impress your friends anymore.

5. The iPhone 7 doesn’t have a standard 3.5mm headphone jack.

6. It’s not clear this is the future. So you might be taking a strange fork on the audio highway. We don’t know.

7. If you want to keep your 3.5mm port headphones, you’ll always need to carry a Lightning port adapter/converter.

8. The chances of forgetting to bring your Lightning port adapter are extremely high.

9. The chances of forgetting your Lightning port adapter when you really, really need it, like a long flight with a screaming baby, are also extremely high.

10. You have a high chance of flat-out losing your Lightning port adapter.

11. You have a high chance of losing your adapter, buying a replacement, then finding it, then having an extra one you don’t need.

12. Lightning port adapters will cost $24 at major airports.  They’re waiting for you.

13. But not every store will have the Lightning port headphone adapter.

14. Everyone is going to start asking you, ‘do you have an iPhone 7 headphone adapter I can borrow’?

15. You’re going to start start asking people, ‘do you have an iPhone 7 headphone adapter I can borrow’?

16. Someone will forget to give you back your headphone adapter.

17. You’ll forget to give someone back their headphone adapter.

18. You didn’t need that friend anyway.

19. You didn’t need that girlfriend/boyfriend anyway.

20. You didn’t need that wife/husband anyway.

21. If you want to listen to music on your 3.5mm headphones, you can’t charge your phone at the same time without an expensive (wait for it…) iPhone 7 audio+power dual adapter.

22. The audio+power dual adapter costs $40.

23. The audio+power dual adapter will cost $65 at a major airport.

24. But not everyone will have this specialized adapter.

25. Apple might not even sell this specialized adapter, even though you need it.

26. Someone is going to ask you, ‘can I borrow your iPhone 7 adapter that let’s you listen to music and charge at the same time?’

27. You’re going to ask someone, ‘can I borrow your iPhone 7 adapter that let’s you listen to music and charge at the same time?’

28. Someone will forget to give you back your expensive iPhone 7 audio+power dual adapter.

29. You’ll forget to give someone back their iPhone 7 audio+power dual adapter.

30. You didn’t need that friend anyway.

31. You didn’t need that girlfriend/boyfriend anyway.

32. You didn’t need that wife/husband anyway.

33. Lightning port audio adapters might degrade sound quality, according to one study.

34. Constantly using an adapter puts stress on the iPhone 7 Lightning port, which is expensive to fix.

35. Port issues take time to develop, which means they probably aren’t covered by Apple by the time they arise.

36. If you travel internationally, you’re going to need two adapters: one for your 3.5mm headphones, the other for the actual wall plug itself.

37. Everyone’s going to start saying, ‘it’s easy, just use an adapter!’

38. There are actually going to be arguments with your friends about adapters.

39. It’s not clear the world is going to move on from 3.5mm jacks just because Apple did.  So we’re stuck not knowing for the next few years.

40. But headphone manufacturers may not quickly move forward.  So you’ll be faced with a bunch of sucky choices.

41. Android manufacturers like Samsung may start working on their own proprietary ports, in retaliation against Apple.

42. So maybe Apple just killed a perfectly good, universal headphone jack, while charging you a ton of money.

43. Unlike white earbuds, AirPods are really expensive.

44. You always have to charge your AirPods.

45. They have a case.  You need to put them into the case when you’re not using them.

46. You just lost the case.

47. Actually you found it again.

48. You’re late for work.

49. Heading to work now. Wait, where’s the other AirPod?

50. Wireless headphones will also be a lot more expensive, overall, starting with Beats by Dre wireless headphones.

51. There’s currently a bug in iOS10 that makes your AirPods crash and stop playing.

52. You’re going to have to constantly update your AirPods with firmware iOS updates.

53. The AirPods look stupid.

54. Wearing AirPods will make you look stupid (or just rich).

55. Also, they do sort of look like Ben Stiller in that scene in Something About Mary (thanks Fat Jewish).

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56. You’re probably going to lose an AirPod and have to replace it.

57. You’re probably going to lose an AirPod again, and have to replace it again.

58. In order to prevent all of this loss, you might have to purchase a separate accessory that connects the two AirPods together.

59. In general, you’re going to start freaking out about your AirPods, and stop tossing them into gym bags, purses, or other places you used to toss your wired earbuds.

60. If you have young children, you’re going to be paranoid about them accidentally ingesting your AirPods.

61. If you have young children, you’re going to be paranoid about them accidentally ingesting your adapter(s).

62. If you have young children, you’re also going to be paranoid about them playing with them, putting them in the fish tank, or making them into part of some game involving other plastic things.

63. If you have a dog, especially a puppy, you’re going to be paranoid about that dog accidentally ingesting your AirPods.

64. If you have a dog, especially a puppy, you’re going to be paranoid about that dog accidentally ingesting your adapter(s).

65. You probably shouldn’t sweat a lot into your AirPods.

66. But they’ll probably fall out during strenuous exercise, anyway.

67. If they don’t fall out, you’ll be thinking, ‘I hope these don’t fall out!’

68. And if you still decide to work out with your AirPods, you’re an idiot.

69. You’ll have at least one defensive conversation that starts with, ‘so how are those AirPods treating you?’

70. You’ll be the butt of at least one joke about losing an AirPod, in some variation or another.

71. You can’t plug your AirPods into anything, like an airplane 3.5mm headphone jack.

72. Things like airplane video monitors won’t wirelessly connect to your AirPods.

73. As a result of this problem, you’ll pay Delta $6 for their crap headphones.

74. You can’t plug into someone else’s phone or computer to check something out.

75. Out of an abundance of caution, you’ll start using your old wired earbuds again, with an iPhone 7 adapter.

76. AirPods might cause brain damage because they are sending non-stop wireless signals millimeters from your brain, which could slowly erode the blood-brain barrier over time, according to at least one scientist.

77. AirPods don’t have very good audio quality, especially compared to real headphones.

78. Beats by Dre wireless headphones probably won’t have very good quality (because all the previous Beats headphones haven’t had very good quality).

79. Beats by Dre headphones are really expensive.  Just like the iPhone 7.

80. How expensive?  An ‘all in’ iPhone 7+wireless headphones package+ditched wired headphones will probably cost about $1,000.

Beats Unveils Stylish new Wired headphones that won't sound as great on iPhone 7
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Beats Unveils Stylish new Wired headphones that won't sound as great on iPhone 7
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Beats’ new EP wired headphones, image by

81. Beats by Dre’s latest wired headphones won’t work on the iPhone 7 (without an adapter).

82. Bluetooth has a lot of problems with failed connections.

83. We don’t know if Apple’s proprietary W1 wireless system is any better.

84. Early iPhone 7 buyers are already complaining of Bluetooth connectivity issues.

85. Beats by Dre’s wireless headphones have also had lots of problems with failed Bluetooth connections.

86. Dr. Dre used to brutally beat up a lot of women.

87. Audio quality is worse in Bluetooth.

88. It sort of looks like you’re talking to yourself when you take phone calls on your wireless headphones.

89. The iPhone 7 is making some weird hissing noise.

90. People experiencing the hissing noise might have to wait weeks for a replacement.

91. The iPhone 7 has been experiencing activation problems.

92. The iPhone 7 has been experiencing some weird issues with airplane mode.

93. Despite higher batter life, some early buyers are complaining about rapid battery drain.

94. But you didn’t need that much extra battery life to begin with.

95. If you’re traveling a lot, you’ll still need a portable phone charger.

96. But might also need a new product: a wireless headphone charger.

97. You also will have to periodically charge your wireless headphone charger.

98. The 7 doesn’t have stereo speakers.

99. The iPhone 7 is randomly rebooting at the present time.

17 Responses

  1. Tim Cook's Mum

    – I got the iPhone 7 yesterday
    – i’ll use the lighting headphones that came with the iPhone in the same way I used the old ones
    – i don’t have kids
    – what has dr dre got to do with my iphone?
    – I won’t be arguing with any of my friends about anything iPhone related
    – not one thing on your list bothers me in the slightest
    – both of our lists were a total waste of time for everyone involved
    – are you still reading this?
    – 9
    – what?
    – fuck knows
    – stick your android up your arse

  2. SmashSung

    Buy a Samsung instead, cause it only has one problem instead of 99 : it will explode in your face.

    • Paul Resnikoff

      Right, you really don’t even have a chance to get to problem #2 do you?!

      • Louisianal

        There are 10 official wars and 8 active military conflicts recognized by the United States. There are also other violent conflicts involving 64 countries and 576 militias and separatist groups. millions of people are dying.
        And you Fandroids are here, arguing over a goddamn phone…

  3. Mike

    I has Google Nexus 5x and both the phone and OS don’t come up to Iphone 5 standard

  4. daddygluv

    Probably one of the worst/dumbest articles written. We’ve heard enough crowing about the lack of a 3.5mm headphone jack. The only real problem mentioned in this article is the hissing.


    I’ve been a huge Apple supporter for years and was an early adopter of the iPhone in 2008. I have to say, this list does make a lot of great points.

    Unfortunately, Apple is on the down swing and it has been since Jobs’ passing (sidebar: if Jobs saw the new font they’re using for “iPhone 7” and in the “Music” app, he’d roll over in his grave).

    There are a lot of flaws and questions about the device and operating system, ones that are so simple it makes you question if Apple is still the innovator & market leaders in this tech space. I feel like more effort was put into the camera than it was for the actual functionality of iOS10.

    I love Apple, but this is just my honest opinion as a consumer who appreciates quality and effort.

    PS: How is Apple going to own Beats and not release a version with a Lightning Bolt connector? I wouldn’t want to see anyone lose their job, but someone needs to be reprimanded for this oversight. It’s basically stating that even one of the most recognizable headphone companies that YOU OWN isn’t adapting your tech. It makes Apple look stupid and sets up the iPhone 7 with “no audio jack” for instant failure. The whole marketing of those headphones should have been, “hey we have these new beats with the lighting bolt connector! oh also, you can get these analog versions as well.”

  6. Agenda Much?

    We get it, Paul, you don’t like Apple. Ever since their contracted third party apparently took issue with you pointing to pirated Frank Ocean content, you’ve been on the war path with these transparently vitriolic articles containing factually inaccurate accusations about it’s products and services. You should stick to writing about digital music as opposed to trying to make your site a poor man’s Gizmodo. At least then you can write about topics you marginally know about, as opposed to things you know nothing about. Not sure what you’re hoping to achieve, there’s not one tech blog or credible news site that would quote your “observations” about Apple hardware. The hedge funds aren’t exactly consulting DMN to inform their investing decisions. In short, no one cares. Get over it.

    • Bingo

      News? I come here for the plethora of advertising scripts.

      It’s a great test bed to benchmark your CPU.

  7. Momager Cherie

    I used to love reading your articles, but there are so many ads now, I don’t think I can stand to do it anymore!