Breaking: Coachella Officially Canceled Amidst Diarrhea Outbreak Fears

Coachella attendee suffering from what appears to be an acute case of diarrhea.
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Coachella attendee suffering from what appears to be an acute case of diarrhea.
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Coachella attendee suffering from what appears to be an acute case of diarrhea (Malcolm Murdoch, CC by 2.0)

The Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival has now been sidelined by a serious, anticipated diarrhea outbreak.  This morning, festival organizers decided to cancel the event in ‘an abundance of caution’.

It’s the public health disaster that Coachella organizers have feared for years.  Now, amidst fears of a possible widespread epidemic involving diarrhea, Coachella organizers have cancelled both weekends.

Coachella organizer Majid Jordan broke the official news in a press conference this morning.  “In an abundance of caution, we are cancelling both Coachella weekends,” Jordan relayed.  “Although there is a relatively small risk of a widespread health epidemic involving this issue, unexpected disasters can occur and we’ve decided not to protect everyone accordingly.  Thank you, and we appreciate your understanding in this situation.”

At present, local officials and festival organizers have not detected any unusual cases.   But the cancellation closely follows a decision by local officials to issue a ‘possible warning’ after Denny’s renewed their lease in nearby Indio, CA.  “As a proud community member, we applaud Denny’s,” said Coachella mayor Christopher Cruse.  “But in the abundance of caution, we want to avoid large amounts of customers from trafficking this particular establishment.”

‘Strong Warnings’

Typically, Coachella attendees crowd the Denny’s location on CA-111, with few eating pre-arranged salads or organic sandwiches.  Although that is great for Denny’s, local officials have been ‘doubling down’ in pain after eating multiple Philly Cheesesteak Omelette, perhaps the ultimate challenge to the human digestive system.

Local Denny’s owner Ezra Furman also pointed to a few Grand Slams that ‘didn’t make it out of the park’.  “I cannot tell people not to order something,” Furman noted.  “I can only issue strong warnings.”

The festival is not offering any refunds, because of something in the contract.  Plus cancellations sometimes happen.  So there’s that to consider.

If you are still interesting in learning more about this situation, the development was first reported by the Coachella Courant & Times.   Thanks for reading, and we’ll be sure to update with more information as it becomes available.