Why Kanye West Just DOUBLED Next Year’s Grammys Ratings

Thanks Kanye. Sincerely, the Grammys
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Kanye West is now threatening to boycott the Grammys because Frank Ocean wasn’t nominated.  Here’s how the Grammy Awards can use this drama to DOUBLE their ratings.

As the global panic subsides following robbery of Kanye West’s girlfriend, another drop-shipment of drama has arrived.  During a recent tirade from his suspended stage on the Life of Pablo tour, Kanye West threatened the unthinkable: a Grammys boycott.

The reason?  Frank Ocean, despite dropping two well-received albums this year, will not be eligible for nomination.  And the reason for that is that Ocean not only missed the deadline, but showed zero interest in even participating in the Grammys at all.

“I’ll tell you this right now,” Kanye decreed to the audience beneath.  “If his album’s not nominated in no categories, I’m not showing up to the Grammys.  As artists, we gotta come together to fight the bullshit they been throwing us with.”

Perfect.  Here’s why the Recording Academy, the committee overseeing the Grammys, has just been given the juiciest ratings gift imaginable.

Now, follow these steps Recording Academy to DOUBLE your ratings for the upcoming February awards.

Step #1: Don’t budge on Frank Ocean.

Ocean is almost guaranteed not to show up, anyway.  And you’re supposed to apply if you want to win.  So should the Recording Academy just apply for him, and nominate someone that’s folding his arms?

No way.  Don’t back down, Recording Academy.  In fact, it’s time to issue an open letter directly to Kanye West on why Ocean won’t quality.  Make sure to speak down to Mr. West as you invite him to attend, as to provoke the greatest retaliatory sh&tstorm imaginable.

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Step #2: Raise the drama, raise the advertiser bids.

This may already be boosting advertising interest!  Because if Kanye doesn’t show up, or threatens to not show, that creates a fantastic lead-in to lure attention.  And what’s better than a juicy, drama-filled plot narrative to stimulate interest?

You know how much free advertising you just received?  Time to bring the entire oil rig to the fire.

But how?

Step #3: Nominate Kanye West, for multiple awards.

Total high road, with a tinge of condescension.  It’s a mercurial gesture that makes Kanye into a puppet for your publicity designs.

The distracted masses will ogle.  What if Kanye wins?  Will he show up to receive his awards?  You might even get a few more petulant diatribes on Twitter or something.


Step #4: Start a rumor that Kanye’s going to show up and deliver a petulant diatribe on stage.

Feed it to TMZ or something.  They’ll eat it up.

Advertiser bids… upward!

Step #5: Don’t award Kanye any Grammys.  Instead, give it to a more ‘quality’ and ‘deserving’ rapper.

You’ll feel the tension, the palpable energy in the audience!  Let’s make this a cliffhanger!

What happens next!?

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Step #6: Make sure that if Kanye DOES show up, he’s free to storm the stage at any time.

The Taylor grab was child’s play.  Let’s get a real meltdown tirade, one that we’ll remember for another 10 years.  Tell security, tell the camera crews: keep the pathways to the stage wide open.  You want a full-blown train wreck on stage..

Step #7: Count your advertising money, and enjoy your bonus in March!

You’re welcome, Grammys.

3 Responses

  1. jDre

    I think this show my age, but can someone please explain to me why Kenye is even relevant anymore? The last tune I can remember him doing was the “Jesus walks” tune from back in the day. Besides that, I just draw a blank, beyond.. the weird-o track he released with Kim on the bike.

    Im not sure what the hell all the hype is about this dude. So what, he interrupted an award ceremony.. stole the spotlight from Taylor ahh that women that sells records to pre-teens.. and wears pants too high on her hips.. Swift … thats it!

    Uhm, if pop culture is suppose to pierce the everyday narrative… its sure doing a shit job at it.. because apparently.. I am clueless, and the on top of that.. I’m clueless of why I am clueless.

    Sounds like a great place to be in considering the state of things!

  2. Frank

    oh my word… his grammar is appalling for a grown man

    “If his album’s not nominated in no categories, I’m not showing up to the Grammys. As artists, we gotta come together to fight the bullshit they been throwing us with.”

    someone needs to explain to him how a double negative makes a positive and so i’m left ‘totes’ confused as to whether he is going to show or not…. but then… who cares…

    • Pete

      There’s no arguing with a man who has no idea of his unimportance. In his pathetic little mind we are all waiting with bated breath his next moronic utterance.