Greetings from Fyre Festival In the Bahamas (Wish You Were Here)!

Scenes from Ja Rule's Fyre Festival! Maciej Lewandowski (CC by 2.0)
  • Save

I heard the Fyre Festival is getting sued for $100 million.  Bring on the HATE!


After four grueling days of all-out tropical survival, I finally found out where the other Fyre Festival ‘adventurers’ went.  Home!  Looks like anyone can wire $14,000 for a pampered vacation, but not everyone can survive the rigors of a serious, extreme survival festival.

Wait: you didn’t get the memo?

Contrary to all the fake media, Fyre was actually an all-out extreme death survival challenge wrapped in a ‘luxury music festival’.  Guess Ja Rule and the ‘festival organizers’ had to spell it out for you seven-figure ‘disruptive’ types.

Anyway, Digital Music News allowed me to share my adventure log with you.  So here it goes if you have the guts to read it!

(Pardon my typos, this rusty 2003 Nokia I found in a pile of beach trash and hospital waste doesn’t have the latest ‘auto-correct’ update)…

Day 1: the ‘VIP luxury jet’.

Ja Rule you got us good!

Perfect ruse to slap us out of our pampered, first-class cabin bubble and raise us to the next level!

Here I thought my deep six-figure salary meant no more extreme airport challenges.  But a 6 hour wait at Miami International Airport Terminal G (with no Wi-Fi or Starbucks) and the challenge was on!

Wait, what?  Just when I thought I’d hit my extreme limit, I find out it’s crowded coach class.

Could I survive the ultimate test?

Photo: Matthew Hurst (CC by 2.0)
  • Save

I’ll be honest.  One more screaming baby and the progress from my last 17 shrink sessions would be wiped out.  Luckily that didn’t happen!

Arrival: the ‘Luxury Airport Shuttle’

Photo: E. Krall (CC by 2.0)
  • Save

How much did that authentic, Caribbean ‘luxury shuttle’ put Fyre Festival back?  It was completely vintage!

Seriously, no detail was left unattended at Fyre Festival, right down to the shock-less pounding and vague throw-up smell.  I clenched my teeth on the plastic bench as we rollicked through the rough terrains of the Bahamas backwoods.

Where they hell were they taking us?  After a 24 hour ride, we finally arrived…

Day 2: Fyre Beach!

Photo: Brian Gratwicke
  • Save

Challenge: Accepted!

Where were the luxury tents and tiki torches?  What about the decorated stages and edgy music?

Oh I get it.  Another card well-played, Mr. Rule!

It was on.  Could I survive the night surrounded by washed up toxic waste and needles?  Or would I desperately pound my iPhone 7s pleading for a prop plane back to Beverly Hills?

Of course, I chose the path less traveled.  The tough spiritual journey.  And that’s when the Ja Rule Fyre Gods rewarded me.

  • Save

But wait: looks like I had some competition!

  • Save

Time to wolf down this feast before the real wolves arrived.  But wait: was there a tetanus shot in the pre-festival kit?  This was about to get hairy!

Anyway, I’d love to keep ‘adventure blogging’ for you, but I’m a little busy.  Off to the next ‘luxury tent’!

  • Save

Thanks for reading!  And remember: a festival is only as good as you make it!

8 Responses

  1. Anonymous

    that beach is not exuma!!! alot of these pics are not from the disaster

    • Jeffrey Atkins

      What ‘disaster’ are you talking about? First the fake media, now you.

    • Anonymous

      So in that last picture, Tom Hanks wasn’t really at the event?

  2. Simone

    Obviously a spoof blog, but FYi there’s no tin roof houses on the beach.

  3. Happy Camper

    Oh, come on people! Have a sense of humor. This is hilarious! Someone had fun, in spite of the fact that people got ripped off. LOL

    • Jeffrey

      Happy Camper, it’s interesting that you find humor in this spiritual journey of intense extreme-death survival. My old, pre-Fyre Beverly
      Hills self would have litigated against you, now I find only peace in your words.

      I just hope that I make it off of this marooned patch of plastic where somehow the pollution has enabled a WiFi connection.

  4. Anonymous

    Paul, hope you didn’t pay for this article.