I heard the Fyre Festival is getting sued for $100 million. Bring on the HATE!
After four grueling days of all-out tropical survival, I finally found out where the other Fyre Festival ‘adventurers’ went. Home! Looks like anyone can wire $14,000 for a pampered vacation, but not everyone can survive the rigors of a serious, extreme survival festival.
Wait: you didn’t get the memo?
Contrary to all the fake media, Fyre was actually an all-out extreme death survival challenge wrapped in a ‘luxury music festival’. Guess Ja Rule and the ‘festival organizers’ had to spell it out for you seven-figure ‘disruptive’ types.
Anyway, Digital Music News allowed me to share my adventure log with you. So here it goes if you have the guts to read it!
(Pardon my typos, this rusty 2003 Nokia I found in a pile of beach trash and hospital waste doesn’t have the latest ‘auto-correct’ update)…
Day 1: the ‘VIP luxury jet’.
Ja Rule you got us good!
Perfect ruse to slap us out of our pampered, first-class cabin bubble and raise us to the next level!
Here I thought my deep six-figure salary meant no more extreme airport challenges. But a 6 hour wait at Miami International Airport Terminal G (with no Wi-Fi or Starbucks) and the challenge was on!
Wait, what? Just when I thought I’d hit my extreme limit, I find out it’s crowded coach class.
Could I survive the ultimate test?
I’ll be honest. One more screaming baby and the progress from my last 17 shrink sessions would be wiped out. Luckily that didn’t happen!
Arrival: the ‘Luxury Airport Shuttle’
How much did that authentic, Caribbean ‘luxury shuttle’ put Fyre Festival back? It was completely vintage!
Seriously, no detail was left unattended at Fyre Festival, right down to the shock-less pounding and vague throw-up smell. I clenched my teeth on the plastic bench as we rollicked through the rough terrains of the Bahamas backwoods.
Where they hell were they taking us? After a 24 hour ride, we finally arrived…
Day 2: Fyre Beach!
Where were the luxury tents and tiki torches? What about the decorated stages and edgy music?
Oh I get it. Another card well-played, Mr. Rule!
It was on. Could I survive the night surrounded by washed up toxic waste and needles? Or would I desperately pound my iPhone 7s pleading for a prop plane back to Beverly Hills?
Of course, I chose the path less traveled. The tough spiritual journey. And that’s when the Ja Rule Fyre Gods rewarded me.
But wait: looks like I had some competition!
Time to wolf down this feast before the real wolves arrived. But wait: was there a tetanus shot in the pre-festival kit? This was about to get hairy!
Anyway, I’d love to keep ‘adventure blogging’ for you, but I’m a little busy. Off to the next ‘luxury tent’!